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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Whenever my mother was in hospital or in rehab, I went every day sometimes twice a day. That is just the way I did it. I also wanted to ensure that she was properly cared for and I wanted to remind her that she was loved and not abandoned. When people are in hospital, they still need an advocate. Life is short, and I wanted to keep her positive and keep fighting. I have no regrets. It was very hard and tiring but I did what I always promised her and what I believed. As a caregiver, your responsibilities don't end when someone is in a facility. In fact sometimes it is harder and more stressful because you are always worrying if the your loved one is being properly cared for. I don't think that there is any rule that constitutes a "normal" amount of visiting. I think it is up to you and what you feel comfortable with and what you can cope with. Even if she forgets some visits, you never want to look back with any regrets thinking that you should have done this or you should have done that...Which visits does she forget? How long a time is there between visits? Even if she forgets the visits, is she happy to see you? That is what is important...the time you spend with her. Are the people in the place taking proper care of her? I hope this was helpful.
My mother in law is in a nursing home and since we do not live close, the home calls us on a quarterly basis for a complete review of what is going on. They will also call us on any med's changes or fall or basic change . Our daughter , who lives closer, try's to get to see her monthly. The home keeps her so busy that her time fly's by. We also have the daily paper sent to her which she may or may not read, but it's there.
There is precious little I can add to the great answer above (from Caregivervoice) except this:
YOU will remember how often you visited and how you made her feel, and how you felt knowing that you were there for her.
Some visits will be difficult, some will be memorable. ALL of them should be as pleasant as you can manage.
My mother is gone now,but I asked this same question a LONG time ago on this very forum. I went as often as I could and stayed as long as I could. Some days all I did was sit with her and listen to the birds sing outside. Some days we did crafts, crochet or even just sat and folded towels. Most days she didn't know 'who' I was, but she knew how I made her feel. Wanted, loved and happy.
I listened to her 'stories' and ramblings, held captive for any 'sign' of her before Alzheimer's stole her mind. My mother's last 'lesson' to me was how to 'just be' , be happy, be there and yes, even to 'behave!"
I think "go as often as you can" is a good guideline. As others have stated, it's not so much whether your mother remembers your visit as how much she enjoys the visit while you're there. Joy in the moment is everything (for all of us, really, but especially when memory is gone). Also, the more you go, the higher the probability that you will have moments of sweet joy to recall (to balance out the painful moments that are part of your new reality). I think maybe there's no such thing as normal when it comes to caregiving. Family history, condition of parent, condition of caregiver, other life situations....they're all so varied. You just have to do the best you can. Peace to you.
Yes, and doing the best you can includes taking care of yourself. This is where it matters what happens in your heart when you're with your parent. If there was abuse in the past, for example, then being with your parent now can go either way: it can be an opening for new interactions or insights, or it can re-traumatize. The people who sound saintly in their generosity may have had a very different experience than you in the past, or may be having a very different experience with it than you can in the present. The people who go seldom may be being either very thoughtLESS or very thoughtFUL about their choice to go less often. You can't tell from the outside, from the number or frequency of visits. So no standard "works" and nobody should be successful at guilt-tripping you either way.
Hi--From my experience there is no rule as to how often to visit-A lot depends upon the condition of the person you visit- and also your own personal agenda with family or friends. Having said this-you can also check with the staff at the facility for their input as well.... Take evrything into consideration-and approach this.I also strongly reccommend you do not forget your own health or personal needs... Best, Hap
Dear teriquet06, When each day is a new day yesterday's visit may or may not be remembered. Daily visit are good but a terrible imposition on your own life. I did dailys for the 1st 6 weeks but when Daddy yelled at me with hatred that I had killed mother by putting her there and was doing the same to him just so I could get his money, I changed to once a week. I also don't let him know in advance but call the day of. That may seem insensitive but this way I'm not locked into a day & time in advance so if something comes up he is not disappointed. They spend the time between visits anticipating the next one, often sitting all day in the lobby waiting. Frequency of visits should depend on their health issues and what time commitment works for you. I would say, that from my experience, once a week is average. Many do more, many do less. It needs to work for both your needs. Don't visit out of guilt, for they will use this card to increase the frequency. Go because you want to see them and the whole dynamic of the visit takes on a different tone. They know that you are there for them and not out of a sense of duty or guilt.
I think others have made very good points about how you will have the memories of the time you have spent with her during all your years together, especially the last ones. In regards to her not remembering perhaps you could include a journal (that stays open to the most recent entry) where you could have other guests and yourself add your visit dates and anything special about that visit. When caregivers come in they could even read the notes and may often say, "Hey, looks like your daughter was just here, did you have a nice visit?" It allows them to feel more a part of your mothers life as well to know about her visitors on a more personal note.
I placed my dad in a nursing facility last year and I live with the guilt every day even though he looks better than he did when he was home. He needed 24/7 care and being there and seeing the improvement in his well-being makes it all worthwhile. I used to visit every day until he took it for granted that I should be there even if I couldn't so now I visit 2-3 times a week. I take him out of the facility and bring him home so he can have the memories he used to have. He was very bitter in the beginning for being placed there but now, when I bring him home, he always reminds me that he has to be back before dinner time. Do what is best for you and what your conscience can live with. If you can't make it often just call and let her know you are thinking of her.
Teri, I think being in asst living versus a nursing home makes a big difference too. The asst living place where my mother-in-law is has all kinds of stuff going on for their residents, so if she wanted to she could socialize. I try to see her 2 to 3 times a week and take her out, drive around and do dumb stuff with her. She loves running around with me, so I just take her on my usual errands that day if I don't have a movie or something planned. The nursing home however is a whole different thing. When she was there for rehab after she broke her hip, I tried to see her every single day cause it was pretty depressing. I also made sure they were taking care of her in the process. But every single Friday I brought a plate of cookies from the bakery to the people taking care of her. It was the whole, get more ants with honey than vinegar thing I thought.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
YOU will remember how often you visited and how you made her feel, and how you felt knowing that you were there for her.
Some visits will be difficult, some will be memorable. ALL of them should be as pleasant as you can manage.
My mother is gone now,but I asked this same question a LONG time ago on this very forum. I went as often as I could and stayed as long as I could. Some days all I did was sit with her and listen to the birds sing outside. Some days we did crafts, crochet or even just sat and folded towels. Most days she didn't know 'who' I was, but she knew how I made her feel. Wanted, loved and happy.
I listened to her 'stories' and ramblings, held captive for any 'sign' of her before Alzheimer's stole her mind. My mother's last 'lesson' to me was how to 'just be' , be happy, be there and yes, even to 'behave!"
God bless you.
Take evrything into consideration-and approach this.I also strongly reccommend you do not forget your own health or personal needs...
Best,
Hap
When each day is a new day yesterday's visit may or may not be remembered. Daily visit are good but a terrible imposition on your own life. I did dailys for the 1st 6 weeks but when Daddy yelled at me with hatred that I had killed mother by putting her there and was doing the same to him just so I could get his money, I changed to once a week. I also don't let him know in advance but call the day of. That may seem insensitive but this way I'm not locked into a day & time in advance so if something comes up he is not disappointed. They spend the time between visits anticipating the next one, often sitting all day in the lobby waiting. Frequency of visits should depend on their health issues and what time commitment works for you. I would say, that from my experience, once a week is average. Many do more, many do less. It needs to work for both your needs. Don't visit out of guilt, for they will use this card to increase the frequency. Go because you want to see them and the whole dynamic of the visit takes on a different tone. They know that you are there for them and not out of a sense of duty or guilt.
When she was there for rehab after she broke her hip, I tried to see her every single day cause it was pretty depressing. I also made sure they were taking care of her in the process. But every single Friday I brought a plate of cookies from the bakery to the people taking care of her. It was the whole, get more ants with honey than vinegar thing I thought.