Last year I moved in with my mother because she lives alone and her health has deteriorated a great deal. She fell a few times in the past, and is afraid of living alone.
I don't want to go into great detail and make this a very long post, but a few salient points as background--my mother is a VERY intelligent woman (former attorney), widowed when I was 5 (I'm now 54). She is also very well-off, and has been extremely generous financially, paying for my son's education, etc. I'm divorced, and I'm ashamed to say that at this point it would be very difficult for me to start up a career again and be financially independent, so in many ways I've put myself in a vulnerable (and perhaps selfish) position with her. She is generous, but she very often uses her money as a tool of control (again, I blame myself for allowing this to be the case at this point in my life, but there it is).
I do love her, but we have never gotten along and in general I find it very difficult to be around her. She can be hyper-critical (I was determined not to let her treat my son the way she treated me as a child) and is prone to rather childish temper-tantrums. I believe she's had depression all her life; a few years ago I was able to persuade her to go on antidepressants. They helped (she became somewhat more pleasant), but it's a really low dose and I've asked her to increase it but she refuses.
She can also be very kind, but any conversation with her is like a minefield--I never know what I might say to set her off on a critical tirade.
I could go on, but I want to get to the main question. My mother has always hated any kind of exercise, and her biggest pleasures have always been sleeping and eating incredibly unhealthy snacks and desserts. When she retired about 20 years ago, she literally said (she says I'm making it up, but I am not) that she basically didn't plan to get off the couch ever again.
Not surprisingly, at 84 she is now overweight, diabetic, with high blood pressure and heart problems (she had triple-bypass about 15 years ago). She is in constant pain because of back problems--I"m quite certain it's because her main activity all day long is sitting on the couch watching TV (which she keeps on 24/7, even when people are trying to have a conversation with her) and, with no muscle left to support her frame and her weight, her skeletal structure is just shot. Her doctors have called her "deconditioned" (again, she denies that they have said this) and have pretty much given up on telling her that she needs PT or some form of exercise because she becomes abusive with them about it.
I certainly understand that pain (which is considerable--she's on all kinds of painkillers to which she's developed a tolerance) makes her even less willing to exercise. But I also know (and I checked with her doctor again recently to make sure that I wasn't just being mean) that her condition and her pain will only get even worse if she doesn't do something other than lie on the couch all day, and doesn't make real changes in her lifestyle. I keep telling her that she could live many more years, but that she will be bedbound very soon if things don't change.
At home, I do help her keep the place neat and clean (she has become very careless about hygiene and cleanliness), drive her to appointments, shop for her, etc. I do sometimes cook for her if she's especially tired or not feeling well (for health reasons of my own--long story--I don't really eat dinner any more). But much of the time I don't do it, because I'm thinking that at least if she gets up and moves around the kitchen, etc., it will at least get her off of the couch and keep everything from atrophying completely. She gets petulant about it, implying that I should do it all, but I just don't. And of course I feel guilty and conflicted.
So the question is--am I just being unkind? I know that I have anger issues about her just letting herself fall apart and become so slovenly (aside from our usual disagreements), and it really just depresses me to see her loll around all day with the damned TV going. I see a lot of her neighbors, all about her age, and some with very serious medical conditions, doing a lot of physical activity.
I've really been on my own about this, and the resentment AND the guilt and uncertainty about what to do (or not do) is driving me crazy. She has money enough to get someone to come in and work with her, and a pool where she could do water exercises in privacy with a trainer, but no.
Any insights/advice/whatever would be greatly appreciated, and sorry for the long post here!
Charlotte
You don't say how long your Mom has been on pain meds but with her having a tolerance to them she sounds much like my Mom was before she passed away. My Mom had always been a strong loving Mom but at times could be a Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde. (that is a story for another time) She was always very active until her arterial sclerosis came to light and she had to have part of her right leg amputated and was in a wheel chair. (she would not use any type of prosthetic as she said they hurt her. Note: this was in the late 1970's/early 80's so prosthetics were not as good as they are today). Anyway she was taking a number of pain killers and unbeknownst to us she was getting the pain meds from three different doctors at the same time and none of the doctors were aware the other doctors were giving her rx's. (we did not find out about this until she passed away.) Though you have said that your Mom's attitude is basically the same... the combativeness, petulance and refusal to do anything remind me of my Mom's addiction to prescribed pain medication. We did not know she was addicted as in the early 80's this type of addiction was not widely known or talked about. But when she passed away we found huge bottle after bottle of pain meds she had hidden in her closet. Have you considered that she may be addicted to the pain meds?
Also with your Mom's heart problems, have they checked her for edema. With her inactivity it is a strong possibility. My honey, after his surgery in December, just refused to do anything or any type of exercise and sat on the couch or in the bed from that time on. By April 1st edema had set in and by the time he was hospitalized May 12th he had gained well over 74lbs in fluid and was unable to do anything literally or care for himself at all. He stayed in the hospital and then was moved to a rehab facility (I refused to allow him to come in the condition he was in as I could not lift on him and give him the care he needed due to my health) and by the time he came home, he had lost over 74lb and he has stayed active since. His blood has been extremely thin for the last week due to coumadin level and this caused him to have to back off on his exercise. This morning as I changed his IV (he has it 24/7 due to his heart issues) we noticed the edema returning. By the way I can tell when he is getting the edema or has it as his attitude changes from a loving person to a real pain (verbally combative and mean, goes into depression as well acting petulant like a spoiled child). Severe edema (fluid retention) such as he had before rehab put pressure on the muscles and his organs and cause a lot of pain.
Please keep us posted and feel free to vent any time. There are a lot of wonderful people on this forum. They have really helped me since I joined whether it was just allowing me to vent and the advice that they gave me.
With your Mom's heart issue, I hope that she decides to change her lifestyle before she reaches the point that my honey was at. But being cognitive and able to make her own decisions there is not much you can do. Don't feel guilty and keep your boundaries of what you will allow or will tolerate in place.
She would rather die doing what SHE wants and not what YOU want. It's amazing to me how many children feel their opinion should be followed.
So, as some have said, each case is different and should be treated as such.
Another thought about getting dependent on a high pain med level is that the drs have to give you more pain med than that if you have surgery or rehab to overcome the pain, and that can be dangerous and can't be continued indefinitely.
As far as my sleep problem goes. I think its anxiety that causes the sleep problem. I've gone to cognitive therapy for the anxiety. As I stated earlier, it helped a bit but I still need to take sleep medication periodically. I do not have an addictive personality so I am fortunate in that way.
Yes, if your doctor prescribes pain medication YeeHa! Unfortunately not everyone is responsible. Thus why pharmaceutical drugs are the new addictive drugs being sold on the street. Case in point: Oxycontin etc. Also, anyone with teenagers out there should lock up their sedatives, antianxiety drugs etc.My niece was addicted to oxycontin so I have first hand experience with this.
As far as sleep medication thank-you for your advice but I am well aware of the addiction risks etc. Trust me...........I've been there and am still going there.
does not believe in sedatives/anti anxiety pills of any kind. I've suffered with anxiety/insomnia that sometimes gets really bad. Sometimes just knowing I have something I can take to relieve it helps and I don't even have to take anything.
However I do have to go to a walk in clinic where there is probably the only doctor in all of this city that doesn't lecture me and gives me what I need.
I believe people owe it to themselves to investigate and seriously try other options before they go get that prescription filled. I have tried cognitive therapy for my anxiety and it works sort of but its still good to know if I'm just so tired and I need something that relaxes me that its there for the taking.