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My 87 yr old mother with dementia moved in with us 10 days ago. She started getting hostile, withdrawn and resistant on day 3. She thinks that she is stranded and that I've tricked her. She has been in 2 nursing homes in 4 months and lost her husband 6 weeks ago. I want this to be her last move. How long will it take her to adjust? @witsend

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I had my 83 mother with Alzheimer's move in with my wife and I 40 days ago. We have had good days and bad days, and different modes throughout the day. One thing is she gets confused about where is she some days. I have kept my iPhone with me most of the time and I take photos of her eating, relaxing in her bedroom, petting the cat, doing crafts, and sometimes I take those out to remind her that yes, she is living with us and she is not in some "new place." That seems to help her remember a bit.
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We've had my mom with us since the first of October. Some days she seems to have adjusted and then other days she is confused about where she is. She doesn't know what state she is in half the time.
A couple weeks ago we had a really bad weekend with hallucinations and delusions.
Now she is "typical", in and out.
I'm not sure my mom will ever feel she is at home. I just tell her that we love her and that we want her here and that we can take good care of her.
Like Jeffrey, I take lots of pictures with my iPhone. I don't show them to her at the moment because most days she isn't that bad. I want to remember her as much as I can before she completely forgets me. She can't remember my husband's name and believes that my father is still alive (he passed in January).

Give her time and love and I'm sure she will begin to feel more at home. Surround her with some of her personal things in her room.
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My alz dad and frail mom moved in about 5 months ago.Mom was in hospital and then rehab. Dad dosent remember any of this. We have to remind him at least weekly that he has lived her for so long. He is normally ok with this, we just remind him he is "helping is out"
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FIL has been here 3 1/2 years and I doubt he will ever fully make the adjustment. He wants us to do things his way and it is a constant battle. We are in our early 60's, our home, should be our rules.
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Water stone - I have my 96 year old mother living with me since September 2012. She lived in her own home since childhood. It has taken her over a year to feel somewhat at home. She hasn't adjusted fully. She has dementia and is confused often. Her bedoom is on the first floor and yet she tells me she's going upstairs to go to bed. Sometimes she can't remember where the bathroom is. I have a small Cape Cod house. It is a huge adjustment for our parents to be uprooted from their homes. My mantra is patience, patience, patience.
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Sorry for your mom's loss and yours. It has only been six weeks since he is gone, and she has been through the wringer, two nursing homes, the loss of her spouse and now living with you. I'd say she is spinning emotionally and mentally, wouldn't you be too, even without dementia. Make sure she does not have UTI or any sort this will exacerbate the issues. Perhaps some Seroquel to calm her for a bit till she is settled in your home. It is going to take a lot of time, and then it may not work out for you and her, but you are trying all you can. Work with her doctors to get her comfortable would be my guess, and keep on searching for the right fit in a residential care setting, she will get harder to care for not easier.
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As you can tell, the answer is "it all depends". It often is not an easy transition regardless of whether it is in the early stages or the middle stages of dementia. It took my MIL a few months to feel like she lived with us and that it was home. She had to shift from "my home is broken and I can't go back" to "this is where I live". As she progresses it is not unlikely that she will forget she lives here, try to go to "her house", look for her childhood home, etc.
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I moved my mom with dementia in with me 7 yeras ago. I found that the biggest help is to maintain a very tight schedule. If she is off her schedule is the slightest she is confused and afraid. Takes alot patience and photo albums Good luck
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Hi WaterStone. Are you there with your Mom all day? Has she been hostile before, in the nursing homes, and was that why she had to move? Two nursing homes in four months is a HUGE disruption and confusion factor, like Madeaa pointed out, made worse with the loss of her husband just six weeks ago. She is having to go through a major adjustment, and the hostility could stem from complete fear and loss of control. Also, agree w/ Madeaa, make sure she doesn't have a urinary tract infection, which will make their behavior strange. My 88 yr. old Mom has lived w/ us for three years now. I go with GinGin's mantra: patience patience patience!!! It's very difficult. A toddler's behavior, which is ME ME ME, and even though my Mom is very sweet and good natured, she forgets within 5 minutes time what I tell her and is constantly shadowing me, calling me, wanting every minute of my attention. A tight schedule is essential in my house also. It helps when they have a sense of what to expect, and when to expect it. Good luck to you, and hang in there. I hope things straighten out a bit for you so she doesn't have to make another move.
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Oh my gosh, this is so hard and at first I thought it would be easier.Time is not longer relative to your loved one only to you. Live, love and learn. My mom with sever dementia is 86 today and has been with my husband and I since June of 2012. She can't remember past a few seconds at times. She still thinks she has just been here for over the weekend and will be leaving to live and have a full time job at the (Adult Day Care where she goes a couple times a week) She lives in her own world and has a great imagination though (from years of being an avid reader). I was told or read somewhere that Alzheimer and dementia sufferers live in their own Bubble. They can't really get out and you can't get in. There is no use in trying to convince them to see your reality and will only make then more confused and upset. I am not saying that I haven't tried. If I do try to correct her she just says I am "full of it" not in a nice way and she hangs on emotionally to any confrontation and is in a bad mood all day. Her filters are gone, as well as her memory. You see I am still trying to learn and figure things out myself. Try to live positively, be happy even if you have to fake it sometimes and maybe your loved on will pick up on that emotion and everyone will be happier. My hubby is always pleasant around her and she acts way better for him than for me. True he is more detached from the situation but he spends lots of time with her when I am gone to work or shopping for the family. He is also smarter than me and tells me all of the time you can't change her or the situation you can only change your attitude and reactions.
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I never realized how important a "tight schedule" is to those with dementia, I just could not give my mother the attention round the clock she craved, the strict schedule, breakfast, church, rosary, tea, music, lunch, rosary, meetings, etc, dinner, every day the same way, I was tired from sleeping with one eye open and from up and down, I was exhausted from her constant shadowing, attention seeking, not allowing me to use the bathroom without getting hostile. In other words, as much as I wished I could do all for her, I could not, it made me SICK, I see the difference in the few weeks it has been in myself. My point is that it takes a village to take care of someone who has dementia, and if you don't get the help you need, you will turn into the village idiot for sure, mumbling to yourself, unkempt, sick, tired and ready for a hospital stay.
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It does take a village and that is why we have nursing homes. As you can see in these posts it is very difficult to take care of a demented parent alone. Nursing homes have strict schedules because it gives the clients a feeling of security knowing what is coming next. However these are paid individuals that get to leave after 8 hours and go home to a life of their own. Not so when our loved ones live with us and are dependent on us. Other cultures have extended families that take on their elders as a group- not so in the good old US where everyone has to work 2 jobs to maintain their lifestyle so it is usually one family member that gets the job of taking care of the demented parent. That means their lives are now given over to help the parent while the rest of the family goes about their merry way - giving unwanted advice. Sorry to vent so much but that is what happened to me and I accept it but still feel pissed at my sibs for being so selfish. Looking back now 2 years later I should have just put her in assisted living but that window of opportunity is now gone as her memory is just too poor. I just try to do the best that I can - good luck - your heart is in the right place.
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Waterstone, a big pat on the back for taking your Mom into your home! I did the same thing when my Mom was 86. After 7 weeks she thought my home was her home. They go through so many stages that I wouldnt ever call them adjusted in the beginning stages. My Mom went through a year of "I am going home!" and pulling on the chained doors and windows trying to get out, it was horrible. It was like a 20 minute sundowning fit which ended with her sitting and falling asleep 5-10 minutes and then woke up a new person, very strange. She got up all night and it was a year of exhaustion for me as I worked fulltime and she went to daycare the first 2 years. I finally took her to a neurologist and he treated her with depakote sprinkles, what a life saver for us and for her. I since retired (had to), and weaned her almost off of those pills as that stage passed. My Mom doesnt walk or talk (barely), cant see much, is incontinent, and I have a hoyer lift, its along hard road. You will fall into a schedule and be okay, you just need time off, like mornings and weekends when you can. I take pride in always being here for her, as she was for me. I have morning help when I can and I last year hired weekend help which is a life saver for me.(when she shows up) I can get my Mom to laugh and shake her arms and legs to music some times and she wakes up often laughing. Shes priceless, makes funny faces and I wouldnt trade this experience for anything. Adapt her with things she knows and can see in her bedroom, she will always be different throughout her disease. Remember, time off makes it like a fulltime job with weekends off, in a way(?!?!) As her doctor told me, just keeping her warm, fed and comfortable with a hand to hold is the best you can ever do, they are afraid and dont want to be alone. Good Luck to you!
ps my siblings dont do jack s--- either, I gave up on them and hired help on my own, their inheritence is gone, oh well, too bad, they should have helped.
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My mom had dementia for the past 6 years and passed a couple of weeks ago. Reading these posts are just fascinating to me, because some of the traits are exactly alike. No one could talk mom out of anything once she got something stuck in her head and she couldn't find "home" anywhere. Even before we moved her into a group home and she was in her own home she'd say "I've got to get out of here, the people that own this house are coming back". It was so sad. I can't believe how people with dementia can pick up on emotions. I'm feeling guilty because I remember so many times I could have been more compassionate and patience, but she was so frustrating and mean at times that I wasn't.
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the loss of independence when a loved one moves in to someplace for care is so difficult on them. Each person is different, based on so many factors, so there is no right answer to your question. I do agree that a schedule is helpful as is creating an atmosphere of calm. If you continue to have problems, try to enlist help from local resources in your community. A support group for you can be invaluable because you will get all sorts of advice and support from people just like yourself.
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Sounds like an elder mind/emotions on overload, from what you described.
Moving thru 2 nursing homes, losing her spouse in such a short time frame--that's a lot to deal with for an old lady!
There is something about going through doorways: for people younger, they may forget why they went into the other room to do; for elders who may have tenuous hold on mental connections between things, going through doors can be very confusing; moves can put them over the edge farther.
What you describe is fairly common.
Nutshell:
==Moving elders often causes increased confusion, sometimes also combativeness; this may, or not, resolve & return them to their mental state that existed prior to the move [or any state in between].
==The more extremely stressful Life Events in a person's life in a short period of time, & the older they are, the harder it is for them to cope; they are just not as resilient as they were when young.

Being able to return to familiar room or spaces after going thru those darn confusing doorways, can help restore things some. But since she's moved twice and lost her spouse, that's gonna be harder to do.
Try:
=Make her room resemble what she's most familiar with before.
=Familiar foods, meal patterns, table decorations--whatever's applicable.
=Verbal reassurance--sometimes it gets repetitive!
=Routines that are as familiar as you can do.
=Have familiar people visit, if possible.
=Familiar music & TV available--especially older entertainment such as what she would have listened to in her youth/teens/young adult life. [[Interesting study showed: older people placed in an environment that duplicated that of their youth, would seem to regenerate, feeling happier, livelier, be measurably healthier]]
=Try to figure at what mental level she's dropped into; there is surely fear of strange surroundings, processes, not knowing what to expect--she needs reassurance.

Hope things work out soon.
It is hard to watch an elder deteriorate so fast.
There is potential she might regain the level of mental status she had before all these events took place, but it takes time and some help to do it,
IF she can.
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Thank you so much everyone for your thoughtful remarks. I am happy to report that we have had 2 good days in a row. I have developed a firm but gentle voice to insist upon the necessaries. We are developing a routine that includes her own ability to make some decisions, which is very important to her. I am very mindful of UTIs and suspect that she has one, calling the MD today.
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I live with my mother IN HER HOME and she becomes confused at times and she has not been moved. She has become hostile at times as well and I think it is out of fear and frustration. She keeps asking me if I remember when we lived down in a small town in Arizona and when I say, Gee Mom I'm sorry but I have never been there she becomes upset, so now I just say Oh Mom I'm sorry my memory isn't that good anymore and she is okay with that.

I have to say if your loved ones are not on medication, please look into it. I had not put Mom on anything until about a month ago and it has made a WORLD OF DIFFERENCE!

God Bless You All!
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It is not easy. My mom has her own home but I took her to live with me 6 years ago. Even though their are other siblings, no one was there for her. Only me. From she was diagnosed with dementia 10 years ago, I have been her primary caregiver. When I moved her initially she was confused, she kept opening the doors all night. I kept her with a consistent routine and she found a favorite chair and she was all right eventually.We are losing so many young men from acts of violence.
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