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I have been caring for my wife through all the stages of her dementia until this past week she was admitted to a hospital for evaluation to see if they could help her with agitation and delusions. Anyway her daughter has taken no interest to help or even call her regular in the past several years. She came to visit one time in 5 years and only lives 3 hours away. Now that her mother is in the hospital she is all of a sudden interested. Should I be impressed or tell her to but out that she does not need her now. We have been married 38 years and I am still obsessed(inlove) with my wife. We never had any problems until this journey with my wife started. By the way her son has not been to see her in 10 years. We even moved real close to them a couple of years ago and that did not help either so we moved back so she would be in a familiar place. I'm kinda at a loss for what to do.

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See if her daughter will help with aspects of her care that do not involve money or making decisions about her care. Her interest in helping in those tasks will help you determine how much you want/need her assistance.
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Maybe at this point in her life she is looking to redeem the relationship with her mother so I would let her be as involved as she wants to be - as long as your wife seems okay with her visits and her involvement doesn't include interfering or telling you how to manage your wife's care.
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What would your WIFE want you to do? Surely in all those years these things were discussed?
If you feel that seeing the kids now would work against her health, would confuse her, would be upsetting to her, would be a cause for distress, then tell the daughter that right now is not the time, that her Mom is very unstable at the moment, receiving medications that must be evaluated, and that "new things" (like HER) can't be thrown into the equation right away. Tell her that when Mom is more stable you will let her know, and make arrangements to visit with her.
You are in charge and giving your wife your loving care. Let your love for your wife be your guide. Do what is best for her, do what is least distressing.
Be certain to visit WITH THE DAUGHTER, and let her know you are doing so so that you can evaluate if this visit is a happy circumstance for wife, and if it causes distress. Let the daughter know that you have handled this for your beloved wife on your own, that you are determined to do WHAT IS BEST FOR HER regardless of your own feelings in the matter.
Stand firm, but as open handed as you are able.
This is always very tough. I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you.
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AlvaDeer Apr 2022
It may also help to discuss this with the Social Worker involved or the managing nurse, or the physicians dealing with your Wife's case. They may have guidance considering that this visit of hers involves a mental workup as much as anything else.
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You should never tell your wife's children to butt out of her life, no matter how little interest they've shown in her life up till now, in my opinion. The last thing a step parent should do is stand between a child and their mother! Your SD may prove to be a huge help to you when you need it most, because most people cannot manage dementia alone. Put your anger aside and come together now, for your wife's sake, most of all. Hopefully, the SD will be helpful loving and supportive towards both of you now.

Good luck with all you have on your plate.
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Nothing brings out family drama like terminal situations. My advice is to discuss proper care and ways to proceed with the professionals, and then give your wife's children the opportunity to help, if they wish, but only within those parameters. Be firm.
I have a son who's a major exhibitionist and likes to visit my husband in his memory facility, with his dog, and stroll among the other residents. And if I am unfortunate to get there when he is, he orders me around, insinuating that he is much more adept and loving than I, I guess. But when I asked him recently if he would supply one round of Depends and other supplies on a visit, he refuses. How do I react? Very depressed that I so badly raised this son, but accepting that at least he visits, and otherwise, try to ignore the not-so-veiled periodic stream of invective.

And this also has made me think ahead, so I have planned my own future care very thoroughly, with no reliance on him.
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OP, only you know the full situation, the personalities of all involved. Some adult children are vultures and only appear when they think the parent might die: they want to make sure they’re not disinherited. Later, if they’ve been disinherited, they can try to sue, showing they “cared” and did “show up sometimes.”

I hope your wife will be OK.

I wish everyone a great Easter Sunday!
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geddyupgo Apr 2022
Have to agree with you Poodledoodle. In my career in senior healthcare, can't begin the count the family members who suddenly appeared like hovering vultures when a person suddenly became ill. And frequently they were all over the long suffering caregiver trying to give conflicting directions and orders. I hope this is not the case here and that SD is suddenly trying to be helpful and supportive but I won't be surprised if she has an ulterior motive.
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I am a step daughter, his daughter, her daughter but, never treated by either step parent as their daughter.

It makes it very hard to be in a relationship with your own parent when their spouse has their face in every conversation, takes every comment as an insult or jab. So, I can relate to your wife's children.

I can imagine telling one of my parents spouse's, you don't need to visit tonight, (thinking, I am giving them a chance to get a good night's sleep because they must be exhausted and I am here) being taken as a control issue and them cutting me off from getting the facts from the hospital.

That you use the term obsessed and think it means in love, concerns me and actually answers why her children steer clear.

I never interfered with my parents choices but, I guarantee you, had their spouse's led me to feel cut out when one of them was laying in a hospital bed, I would have moved heaven and earth to protect my parent and I would have done everything in my power to ensure the controlling spouse was no longer able to isolate my parent if they were no longer mentally capable of deciding for themselves.

One thing I know for a fact, parents have to work really hard to drive their children away, standing up for a spouse that is less then ideal, being extremely nice with that wording, can do this.

If you truly love your wife, stop alienating her children that she loves.
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Christine44 Apr 2022
It's too bad that your answer comes up first here, because I find it offensive (to the spouse) on numerous levels, while several of the responses below are much more kind, and understanding of this husband's heartfelt dilemma. (Although employing the term "obsessed" may not have been the best choice of words). You write: "One thing I know for a fact, parents have to work really hard to drive their children away..." You don't know ANYthing "for a fact" and based just on this one statement I would be suspicious of almost any of your opinions. Parents do things all the time, every day of the week, every hour of the day, every minute of the hour to "drive their children away." Some parents (perhaps most -- I'll grant you the benefit of the doubt, which is probably being overly generous) are wonderful to their children and would do anything -- even die -- for their offspring...and then there are "others" who aren't fit to raise anyone, who should never be allowed to have children because of both the physical and emotional abuse they reign down on small beings who usually can't fight back. Do you read the media, by any chance? If you did you would find numerous stories -- every day of the week -- of parents doing awful things to children, killing them, beating them, selling them to the sex trade, etc. I urge you to wake up to the real world. If some children had wonderful, kind, loving, parents -- I salute these folks. Many children have NOT benefited from this and it's called "reality."
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A lot depends on what the daughter is trying to do -take over, get money from you and the like. Presuming she seems to be trying to help deal with her mother, than let her - She can help give you an opportunity to get some relaxation and recovery time to help take care of yourself. Sometimes it just takes a shock seeing one's mother in real stressful times to realize that parents are mortal too and don't live forever.

We don't know what caused the lack of involvement nor what their relationship before the problems started, but I believe the best thing is to let her [your stepdaughter?] and mother reconnect as long as there is no disruption for her mother. You might also consider letting the son know what is going on and give him the opportunity to reconnect. If he chooses not to, than you will always know that you did all you could
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I am sorry your wife is in hospital. Not knowing the entire story of why her children have stayed away, I can understand the weight of being there for everything day to day (bills, appts, med setup, getting home aides, bathing, cooking for, changing the diapers, cleaning up the accidents, washing the clothes, keeping them happy and content). Now that your wife is in the hospital….. you have nurses and staff that makes the everyday tasks a little easier. Then here comes Janet and Johnny come lately!

I can understand that frustration because the only help I have in taking care of my dad is my 22yr old daughter. My mom passed away 18yrs ago, my only sister passed away 22 years ago, her children and my dads family lived several states away, and the last time my 40yr old brother (who lives in same city as we do) came to visit my dad was Oct 2020….. and I paid him $100 to sit with him for 5 hrs while I ran errands…. He called me complaining! My dad was HEAVILY involved with church….a good family man…. The church members don’t even call \visit.

All of that to say, yes…. The kids may have stayed away all these years as some have commented because of your relationship with them…but if they loved their mother and realized she was with someone they didn’t care for, they should’ve BEEN involved years ago once they knew she had dementia. I do think of it as self serving when a person shows up years later and all of a sudden once the family member is hospitalized….. they want authority, say-so, got opinions…. whether it was because they didn’t want to be bothered with the day to day care, they are selfish, they are expecting a soon to be inheritance or they had a “come to Jesus” moment of guilt…. Johnny come lately should be treated as such.

I would let them visit their mother, but hopefully you are the health care proxy and the will is already set up. You have already done all of the hard work before your wife went into the hospital…. So you have every right to set up the boundaries!
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If you have been married for 38 years and the step daughter is now 52, there has to be some past history about what went on when you and your wife first got together. Did the children live with you or their birth father, and where does he fit into the picture now? Did the son and daughter dislike you and vice versa? When and why did they both drift away?

You say that mother “has never lost her love for her children” but if I understand your post, she doesn’t think that they love her. As your wife has dementia, understanding what she ‘really’ thinks may be difficult or impossible. She may be remembering her love for them when they were small, rather than wanting to try for a new loving ‘adult’ relationship. A meeting could be quite confusing (and upsetting). Or it might make her very happy – you just don’t know!

It may be that you have some baggage from the past that makes you a bit suspicious of this new approach. Would it help if you met your step daughter yourself (you have known her for 38 years, she’s not a stranger), and tried to understand what’s happening? And being there in the background if the visit does take place sounds like a sensible idea, in case it’s upsetting.
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