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My NPD/bipolar mom asked me today to do her a favor & send her mail. I go up every week to see her (2 hrs away). I won't do this as she hoards mail, even junk mail, in a BIG way. She binge watches TV & reads. That's pretty much it. She will drive down to pick up a few groceries around the corner. A neighbor drops by as well, and I take her shopping when I come up. I told her to read out on her patio or drive down the street (amazing shopping nearby) & walk around. Sit & have a coffee & read. Change up her location. Does your parent also complain about being bored/lonely & yet refuse to be physically active? Have they never been into self-soothing activities/hobbies?

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How your mother chooses to spend her time is up to HER. Nothing you say or do is likely to change her mind, so all your suggestions are falling on deaf ears. The answer for you isn't in getting HER to change her habits, but in getting YOU to change your expectations of her. If/when the chronic complaining starts, then you change your behaviors by cutting down your visits from once a week to twice a month and then once a month, etc. You're not obligated to be a sounding board for all that negative energy she's sending your way. Let her know that when she's ready to change her attitude or do something that brings her happiness, THEN you'll be more prone to spending extra time with her. But for now, you'll limit your exposure to the toxic fumes.

Good luck!
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I would say that our parents remain just about exactly who they always WERE. My father was ill with an unknown blood dyscrasia taht made him mostly tired in his 90s. He, my Mom and the doc decided that, since he would not TREAT anything there was not a lot of sense to testing. My Mom thrived on caring for him the little he required. He died peacefully. They were the GREATEST LOVE STORY I ever knew for all their time together. In my own mind I feared my Mom would mourn all the rest of her time, and pass herself; she was then late 80s.
And she DID have to have a pacemaker soon after.
But she thrived. She got a smaller place, went to library often in her Senior complex, made friends, walked, told me "If I can stay WELL I would treasure a few more years of life". Over a glass of wine she could become weepy of an eve when we were visiting. Good memories recounted. Missing Dad. But she did well until her own death.
This was my experience as a nurse also. I think the brave die bravely, the kind die kindly, the non complainers without complaint, the complainers complaining and etc.
I think we often don't change a whole lot. Not that we CAN'T change. We can, but it takes work, courage, insight, determination.
My take only. Those of us who enjoy a good book, a good podcast, a good reality series, a good game of solitaire, a good walk, a plant we nurture, for the most part are content. Those who are not content often never were.
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Abby2018 Feb 2022
Much wisdom is attached to the words "those who are not content often never were". Thank you for sharing that observation.....it is so true.
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Its not your problem to solve.

My Mum is 87, she walks her dog, works in her garden, volunteers, dragon boats, belongs to a book club, belongs to a social club that meets twice a month, on Zoom during Covid, just back to in person. She has friends over for dinner 1-2 times a month and dines at friends houses too. She does make up for local theatre productions, volunteers as an usher at the theatre, helps her elderly friends and much more.

My mother in law on the other hand barely left her house for years.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
LOVVVEEE & OMGGGGG to:
"My Mum is 87, she walks her dog, works in her garden, volunteers, dragon boats, belongs to a book club, belongs to a social club that meets twice a month, on Zoom during Covid, just back to in person. She has friends over for dinner 1-2 times a month and dines at friends houses too. She does make up for local theatre productions, volunteers as an usher at the theatre, helps her elderly friends and much more.

My mother in law on the other hand barely left her house for years."

*Might I ask: Did you Father pass some years ago? Your Mom is mentally strong?! No Dementia? Can you pls tell your Mom I am a FAN of her!
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You've described an elder in my life, and it's very frustrating because she's relatively young and healthy, but will do NOTHING when by herself.

My grandmother was the opposite. Married decades, just like my m-i-l. After a period of mourning for a few months, my grandmother got involved in all sorts of volunteer activities. Almost one for every day of the week. She made friends everywhere she went. Got more involved in church. She'd take her dog on long walks and just strike up conversations with younger people. Gardened a ton. Drove her (younger) neighbors to the doctors. People her age couldn't keep up with her. She was a whirl of activity into her mid-nineties. Sometimes I'd visit and realize I was keeping her from whatever activity or social visit she'd had planned for the afternoon!
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
I LOOOOVVVEEE all this! "After a period of mourning for a few months, my grandmother got involved in all sorts of volunteer activities. Almost one for every day of the week. She made friends everywhere she went. Got more involved in church. She'd take her dog on long walks and just strike up conversations with younger people. Gardened a ton. Drove her (younger) neighbors to the doctors. People her age couldn't keep up with her. She was a whirl of activity into her mid-nineties. Sometimes I'd visit and realize I was keeping her from whatever activity or social visit she'd had planned for the afternoon!" ***We should all aspire to this!!!
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Ok, this is not about a parent but me.
My Husband died over 5 years ago.
I volunteer. I volunteer with the Hospice that helped me care for him for 3 years.
I keep myself busy.
I am not bored.

Does your mom have friends that she can make plans with?
The best thing, if possible can she make a "standing date" with someone? Something to do EVERY Wednesday for example. That would give her something to do, a "purpose" if you will every week.
An Animal Shelter that needs dogs to be walked, cats to be played with. Yes litter boxes to be cleaned and kennels to be hosed out, that is part of it.
A Hospital needs Volunteers.
Hospice needs Volunteers, some office work or some patient contact if she wishes.
The local Senior Center, activities and maybe even Volunteering there.
Adult Day Care, would give her something to do and connecting with others.

But if she does not want to get involved, if she wants to complain there is not much you can do. It is not your job to entertain her or see that she is entertained. When she complains about not having anything to do all you can say is..."Gee mom, that's a shame" and leave it at that.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
Unfortunately my Mom has never had a friend base. She is an angry personality type.. She isn't physically active, so not able to drive anywhere outside of down the street to the grocery store. She has an old friend who lives few blocks away. Hasn't seen her in decades. Gal had a stroke and cannot talk. My Mom said would be too difficult for her to see her. She has a terrific neighbor who checks in on her.. I stay in contact with her.. Also, struggles walking more than 50 yds & does not handle stairs well. This is what happens when you don't make exercise a priority in your lifetime & are sedentary. Appreciate your response. The last paragraph is relatable.. I am there tomorrow. Light a candle for me ;-)
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The complaints of boredom drive me crazy. One day comes to mind when she was still "independent" and I desperately needed her to locate within her home and give to me a particular financial/legal document. I told her I'd be on the run all day doing WAY more than one person should, but that I'd stop by (at some point) to pick up the much-needed document we had been discussing. I showed up, out of breath, and was greeted with her complaints of boredom and her proclamation that she "didn't do nuthin all day." I asked about the document she was supposed to focus on finding (which would have given her something to do....). Her reply was a blank stare and a giggly "I forgot." Even when I gave her a "purpose" she still chose to do nothing. I do not believe it that she forgot. She doesn't want to say she is lazy, so she says she is bored. This is lifelong. Lack of goals, etc. But, to be fair, I think it did increase once the spouse died.

Her weight has been out of control for decades and I always wanted her to get a healthy cooking/eating guide and make that her hobby. I even made an attempt to teach her myself what a "portion size" really is, and I was her "cook" for a period of time until I realized she was lying to me about food she was sneaking behind my back.

When she was "well", she would go out and get fast food because she was "too busy" to cook and "it's too hard to cook for one person." Nevermind my coaching on portioning.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
Thank you for sharing as you did/responding! I can relate soooo much, with the exception of my Mom is 5'5"...115 .. But she eats poorly....a ton of sugar. Think Will Ferrell in "ELF." My Dad was a FAB Doctor who was athletic & social. Lived for his pals he would meet with in the AM. ARGH to "She doesn't want to say she is lazy, so she says she is bored. This is lifelong. Lack of goals, etc." I could've written this. Do you mind my asking: does she have any Dementia? Her age? How close you live to her? How often you see & call her? Thx... Helps me so much.... PS I had to dig thru the garage to locate military documents so we could have them come to his Memorial. She said the papers were gone. Must've been tossed years ago. Told me she hadn't seen them in over 20 yrs. Took me an hour..but I found them in the garage. I have cried so much since August...his decline... & passing 7 wks ago. Better now.. little cries. Stay strong-keep the boundaries..
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eat-pray-love: My late mother did extremely well after being widowed in 1967. She sought a much better paying job and went on to work to 2 months shy of turning 80 (she would have worked past that, but she broke her femur and her boss jokingly said "N, you have a job here as long as you can get over the threshold.") She successfully paid off three quarters of her remaining mortgage loan. She managed to take trips with senior groups. She made fudge (amazingly) from the age of 15 to the age of 94 (even though she was a legally blind woman) when she passed away from an ischemic stroke. She accomplished so much in her lifetime.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
I love all of these fabulous memories you have & details you shared. Thank You! She carried on & created even more for herself. Did she ever suffer with Dementia? Was she physically active after she turned 80? A Walker? Did she live independently for some years? And just Wow! to continuing to make fudge even though legally blind. Fabulous! Made my night reading this. :-)
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My widowed mom is sedentary (was before his death 5 years ago), watches TV, folds the laundry, complains a lot, is not fulfilled. Also had mild/moderate dementia.

Complains about being bored/lonely yet refuses to do anything about it. Not physically active. But she's in PT right now so she's being forced to be more active than ever. Therapist comes twice a week and an additional private aide coming twice a week to do the prescribed PT with her.
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eat-pray-love Feb 2022
My Mom is the same. I know she is lonely. I tell her I would be. Tell her-her feelings are understandable. We are designed to be social. But, she has never cared much for friendships.. She says not a priority now.. When she asked me to send her mail the other day, my eyes bugged out (over the phone). She is hoarding mail & I am not going to contribute to the piles.. I can't be the solution to all. I will continue to do what I do for her + what feels best for me... I am better last few days bc of all these responses. I am up tomorrow & back tomorrow night...
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I love your reply. Thank You! I commend all the over 70's who have built up a friendship & exercise/hobby base over the years... Balance & enjoying life.. at every age!
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My Mom lived out on a small acreage when my Dad died. She was in her late 60's. She still had good health & vision back then. She enjoyed taking care of the land, even rode around on a John Deere Tractor. She enjoyed satellite TV, radio talk shows. (This was before the Internet was available where she lived.) She painted her basement and redid the floors by herself. She painted her barn. She wallpapered her kitchen, an 1890's Victorian and she and I worked hard on various home repairs.. (I lived about 10 miles away, and worked full time then.)

I'd drop by on my days off, and would take her to garage sales, and we'd hit the thrift shops. Occasionally go shopping together. On one outing she bought a few baby chicks and had fun with them when they started laying eggs. She built her own chicken coop, and became interested in cement work and bought some bags of cement and made a little sidewalk.

She also fed and took care of feral/stray cats that would mysteriously appear out in the country... Mom climbed up a tree to rescue an abandoned kitten, and fell out of the tree injuring herself - and that slowly started her decline. I kept the kitten and the kitten had a wonderful long life.

Mom wound up becoming interested in politics and became a political delegate for a Presidential Caucus. Her neighbor who lived 2 miles up the road was an elected official and they got her interested in politics. Being a delegate was very exciting for her.

She lived a great life until she started having strokes and then eventually lost her vision many years later. Now she's with me, she can't walk, can't see, and is often quite irritable/short tempered as she continues to decline in her late 80's. She has white matter disease which I believe has caused the change in personality.
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