He lives with us. He is 84 widowed for 4 years, met her at church, 3x divorced. Has spent over 500K on this woman in the last year. Home, trips, credit card, etc. He and my husband have had several arguments haven't spoken in a month. He knows it's not appropriate, doesn't care. Doesn't care he is burning through his life savings. His expectation is we will pickup the pieces if he doesn't have any money. Our retirement plan did not included supporting 84 year old fool and his girl friend.
Actually, having him move in with you in the first place sounds like a huge mistake. The man has no respect for your feelings or circumstances. Better to nip it in the bud now than later when he's disabled and you two are full time caregivers to him. You were very caring and generous to offer your home. He is the abusive party in this picture.
There are some real gems in the world, but there are too many faux ones who can on some level "pass" as the real thing, until after they wrangle their way into your life and take over, then their falseness shines through when it is too late!!!!
Either way I would tell him to move into that house. He bought it, who cares what anyone thinks about "living" with her. I bet if the house is in her name she won't want him there - perhaps that might be the light needed...
Does he go there to "visit" her? When he does, box up his belongings and deposit them outside the house and change your locks. Not so subtle hint...
Getting a background check on this "chick" might be a good idea. IF she has a record or is a known elder abuser, you might be able to have charges brought - of course he could be the monkey wrench, saying he WANTS to do these things for her. It is a dicey situation.
As for the rest of the issues, unless he is declared incompetent, he is free to spend whatever he has on whatever he wants, good bad or otherwise. Hubby (with you as backup?) needs to make it clear that you do NOT approve of his behavior, this woman or with him living in your home and demand that he make other arrangements as this is not what you all agreed to. He wants to be "free", then GO be free somewhere else. You are afraid of how living with her looks? Get an apartment. We signed on to help you and care for you, not you and some bimbo.
Although you are in a filial law state, for the most part not too many enforce the laws (yet), and they usually take into account whether someone can afford to pay. If you are retired and on fixed income, they are not likely to impoverish you to pay for his care. I WOULD consult with an EC attorney, to protect yourselves and your own assets (set up trust for any liquid assets, put house into living trust), then you have nothing they (state, Medi-Cal, bimbo or FIL)can bleed from you.
Medicaid (or in your case Medi-Cal) can do the lookback - according to online, they are looking for people who give their assets away to their family, so as to avoid having to pay for care AND being able to leave family with early inheritance. In this case, she isn't family and family is not benefiting, so he may or may not qualify - during your consult with EC attorney, you could inquire about how this would be handled. Perhaps this attorney might be able to knock some sense into his head (whichever one he is currently thinking with!)
I would also ask him if it is inappropriate to live with this woman, how appropriate is it for someone to spend their life savings on someone they barely know, however "young" she makes him feel and how INAPPROPRIATE it is to blow all this on someone who is not family, but then expect family to pick up the pieces when you've spent it all and she takes off!!
Too funny 😂!!! I love your wicked sense of humor.
You never answered the question of why he’s living with you in the first place. But I guess that’s none of our business. Show these answers to your husband. The two of you need to be on the same page about moving dad out into his own place.
You aren’t responsible for him and before you get yourself in even deeper you need to evict him. Come back and tell us how you’ve handled this.
sold or pawned. In addition, she changed her will to leave him her house when she died.
Unfortunately I illegally have no options because she gives him permission to do these things and is questionabley of sound mind. What money she has left is not in my control. This is called exploitation, but because she begs to do what she wants too, I can't stop it. Help
Recall how Jackie Kennedy had to get permission to remarry in the Catholic church? Every church is different.
Does the church lady tithe on the $6,000 per month income?
If FIL is thinking it "inappropriate" to move in with his church lady friend, and they are members....bringing this buying her a house to the pastor's attention may bring some type of accountability that FIL will acknowledge, or, what is the terminology used? Be excommunicated?
Disclaimer:
No matter what any of us believe, accountability exists, and it still exists in the church. I know I have said too much, please don't shoot the messenger.
Pastors must hear all kinds of things. I’m sure they have heard it all, huh? Surely, they offer prayer and support and in some cases, practical advice or solutions to help. Not always, though.
Let’s hope her pastor has experience, education, training for dealing with life situations and compassion for her.
I know a friend of mine who went to her pastor about a particular family matter, her husband committed suicide in their home (over money issues) and their eight year old daughter found him. It was awful. The pastor at her church told her that he was not qualified to help her, nor did he have the time to counsel her. He told her to seek professional help with a psychiatrist, so she and her child went to a family therapist.
I guess it depends on the pastor. Some churches have pastors that don’t even have a theology degree, let alone any other degrees or training.
😶
But. Does he mean because "it would be too public"? Does he imagine that he and she are not already a topic of considerable interest in his community? I think I agree with SendHelp, that asking his church's pastor for guidance might be productive.
The first time we heard my FIL call her by the pet name he called my sweet MIL, we wanted to throw up.
My FIL was down right cheap before being with her. Didn’t spend a penny more than he had to. She came along and he emptied his pockets.
MIL didn’t even have a housekeeper when she was dying from non Hodgkin’s lymphoma. He was too cheap! I cleaned for her. But he hired a housekeeper for her. Sickening!
Oh wait, he was very frugal with grocery shopping. She comes along and buying organic everything. That is, produce for salad, she made it clear that she wasn’t going to cook. They ate out all the time.
It’s so interesting to see a true character change in some men when this happens after being with women like this.
Thank God he saved money for assisted living because he sure as hell isn’t going to be staying with us.
We have my mom living here now. One parent is enough. Plus mom has always been in our lives. She is deserving.
He checked out of our lives to be with her. Glad he found a place to live. If money runs out at the ALF, oh well...My husband already said that he would not be willing to take him in even if my mom wasn’t here.
FIL wanted to marry her. She refused because she didn’t want him to have access to ANY of her money from her deceased husband. She left everything to her kids.
Louisiana is a community property state so she wouldn’t marry him. She could have done a prenup for her house.
Anyway, fast forward, there were problems all along in the relationship. She was a piece of work!
We didn’t care if he moved on in an appropriate relationship at an appropriate time. He was vulnerable. This relationship was far from healthy. I think he may have felt trapped.
My husband and his dad were close before she stepped in. MY husband and FIL eventually became estranged.
This woman ended up isolating him from all friends and family by threatening to leave him if he didn’t do everything she wanted, go out dancing, dinners at expensive restaurants, extensive traveling, a new house in a different state that wasn’t a community property state, jewelry, a new car, designer clothing and accessories, etc.
Money was important to her. She asked him to pay for everything, which he gladly did. It was his business but it cost him his family and friends. I hope he was happy with her and it was worth it for him.
Money doesn’t buy happiness. Some of my happiest times in life was when I was first starting out and struggling. I had goals. I met them. Part of the journey of life that makes it meaningful. People and relationships are more important than money.
God knows we tried to resolve and heal issues but FIL was like your FIL refusing to listen to reason.
They moved to another state (not a community property state) threw us out like yesterday’s garbage. She never did marry him, even after they moved to a non community property state. The woman died 25 years later and now he wants to make peace with my husband. Not sure what hubby will do. He did call his dad because I told him that he may not want to have regrets later. He has not seen his dad and I told him that I will support whatever he decides to do.
It’s a little too late to be a father and grandpa now. My kids are grown and don’t know him. They support their dad. Perhaps they can have a civil relationship in some way. We forgave him ages ago. None of us hate him. No grudges. Not worth the time and energy to hold grudges. We don’t want bitterness in our hearts. We were forced to move on. I personally sought therapy to help work through it.
Life can get so complicated. FIL missed seeing his grandkids grow up. They would cry and ask why did grandpa forget about them. Tragic for innocent children.
He’s basically a stranger now but has returned to Louisiana and is living in an assisted living facility. He is 96 years old now! I am glad that he at least saved enough money for a facility.
I surely hope hope it works out for your family. It’s tough! Everyone has a unique situation. I hope there is hope with your FIL.