I have 2 out of state siblings (C and E) that feel "Mom's wishes need to be respected" when rare discussion comes up regarding Mom moving out of home to safer, closer to me environment.
I am the primary caregiver of elderly mother-90+, who lives 20 minutes away. I'm on call 24/7/365, tend to her needs, get her to multiple appointments, go over for whatever whenever, etc. She is declining in vision, hearing (aids help), stamina, mobility, exhibiting depression and declining in thinking process and cannot smell.
She had a fire in her home a couple years ago and didn't smell it, couldn't see the smoke because of her macular degeneration and heard fire alarm and saw flames only because repair guy was there and alerted her. At that time I tried to tell siblings of unsafe situation, but got same answer and no help, support for cleaning, sorting through mess and insurance paperwork. Asked C later why she didn't come help the weekend after it happened and she replied "What would they have done and besides were busy ". Told her she could have helped sort and give support.
I call Mom every morning to be sure she is alive and awake.
My own family life has been sacrificed tending to her. I don't begrudge taking care of her as I've been entrusted with her care. I do resent that siblings, C-3hrs away and E-15 hrs away, do not see that it believe me that Mom is not safe in her home, my hours of caregiving and not willing to encourage Mom to live in same town as me-so would be easier to care for. They always say, we need to respect Mom's wishes.
C always has to have the final say and have her decision be the decision. E is the peacemaker as long as Mom gets what she wants. Me, I'm going through another caregiver distress episode.
I recently sent an email expressing my concerns, to my siblings, with Mom living alone and my breakdown.
C is going to have Mom come visit for a week-which is huge! She won't see the true picture because Mom with be right there with them, if they go to do something it's just jump in car and go, no allowing extra travel needed, etc. But at least I'll have some time not having to worry about if I'm going to be called to tend to something or "fix" something and know Mom will have someone close.
When she returns, it'll be back to focus on her and sacrifice my family life again as always.
E called to discuss my email and bottom line "We need to respect Mom's wishes". I said what about the caregiver's? No response. C will support Mom as well because she has no concept of tending to anyone but herself or her husband and grown children.
Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom, try to make her aging life the best I can. I'm just wore out, feel disrespected, taken for granted and try to accept this is how it is. I'm trying to not fall into the guilt trips, but when no one else able or willing to help, I feel almost like I'm trapped.
I'm on antidepressants and started counseling again.
So this week of reprieve, I'm hoping to regroup myself and be able to start stronger next week again.
Thank you for letting me share as I hope I am able to help someone else feel they are not alone as well.
Wait until your mother is in C's care, then "resign", sending your weekly care task documentation. Allow C to respect your mother's wishes and find someone to provide Mom's care when she returns to her own home. When Mom and C are ready to admit Mom needs help and discuss options, email your care plan and hold firm to the requirement that Mom agrees to enter AL within 1 month and signs the POA documents before you return to any care giving role. Anytime C calls and is in any way disrespectful, tell her you would love to discuss Mom's care when she has better control of herself and hang up. Don't answer the phone again for at least 4 hours. Use the do not disturb and call blocking features of your cell phone; the ringer and an answering machine on any land lines.
It's easy to talk about respecting Mom's wishes when you have no skin in the game; give your siblings the opportunity to put their skin in the game too.
i bet they hire full time, live-in caregivers within a week, or begin to arrange moving her to a NH.
I have seen this time and time again....someone, who will be doing NONE of the work, demanding they call the shots. OK...call’em all you like since YOU will be the one doing the work it requires.
My next email to C and E would be a resignation one. Or a partial resignation anyway. Either they pitch in or you will continue your plans to move Mom closer to you. Mom will be upset of course. But, it’s a matter of your own health as well as her’s.
So what if your Mom moved closer to you? That would resolve the third issue at the risk of making the first two issues worse. I lived two doors down from my mother for a year or so and that was not actually a good solution. For one thing, it made my mother even more demanding. She could call me over at a moment's notice for the slightest thing. It also gave my siblings even more confidence in the belief that Mom's care was totally covered and that nothing was needed from them at all. I had to move away again just to manage my mother's expectations and get my sisters to pitch in a little more. The worst case could evolve over time that your mother could not be left alone overnight and you, being right there, would be expected to stay with her or bring her to live with your family.
When I read your story, I immediately think about alternatives. Can your mother afford assisted living or paid help? Is there enough space in her current home for her to have someone live in?
I ended up crafting an unusual but ultimately very successful solution for my Mom in her last few years. I had a female friend in my mother's neighborhood (from when I was living there) who needed a place to live after her housing went south. I talked both her and my mother into having my friend move into Mom's spare room on a trial basis for no rent, in exchange for helping Mom around the house and watching over her. It was a rocky start, but eventually they grew to get along famously. She was there with my mother the night my mother's heating unit caught fire, and she was able to call the fire department, calm my mother down, bundle her up with extra blankets to keep warm, and generally take care of the situation without even involving me until the next morning.
I think the idea of respecting a parent's wishes can only go so far. Your Mom wants to be independent. She'd like to be 30 again. It can't happen. We respected my mother's wishes to the extent we could, but it may not be realistic for your Mom to go on living alone in her own home, regardless of what her preferences are. Moving her closer to you may create more problems than it solves, in my experience. I would look for other solutions, even if it means selling your mother's house to pay for care.
Her home would have to be sold for her to receive AL or NH cares.
I doubt she would be willing to have someone live in her home with her, but something to keep in mind.
Tell your siblings that you guys will split the year in thirds. Each child gets mom for 1/3 of the year. Whether they take her to their house, or they move in with her in hers can be left up to them.
Make up the schedule starting now. And add to them that, since you've been caretaking the most recently, you'll take the last 4 months.
KatieKate is right, I'll bet that gets them looking to hire caregivers/NH placement.
I'm caring for my mom, who lives in the apartment in my house. I also have 2 siblings who live a distance, but they are both savvy enough to never, ever criticize the way I take care of my mom, because they know I will tell them they can always take over the role of caretaker should they believe I'm not doing a good enough job.
Sometimes, although it's not comfortable, blunt is the best way to be.
I hope you can find the help you need for this problem. Hugs and prayers!
What you are willing to do is extra. You have no moral or legal responsibility to contribute to this "charade of indepenence".