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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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It becomes not what they want but what they need. You have already done what you could over the years probably sacrificing for Mom. You can't do it any longer. Your Mom needs to realize ur a Senior taking care of a Senior. Your health is such, you no longer can give her the care she needs. Not without it effecting ur health. So, start looking for a nice home and if money is the problem start the Medicaid application.
You have determined that selling your house and downsizing is the sensible thing to do. Kudos to you because too many people hold on for too long until they have run out of options and then decisions are made for them. Your profile says that you're finding it more difficult to care for your mom too.
Does she have friends who are living in a senior community?
It's your house. You don't need permission to sell your home, downsize and retire. Start by hiring a realtor. Getting a realtor will make it real. Make finding your mother new living arrangements that work for both of you as much of a priority as getting your house ready for sale. What can she afford?
I would keep the conversation matter of fact, something like: "Mom, I've decided that in # months I want to retire and have hired a realtor to sell my house. I want you to know that we have plenty of time to get you settled in a new place. We have made many good memories here and I'm selling this house while those memories are still good. I've gone over the numbers, and there are # retirement communities that fit the budget. We have appointments to go see them next week."
It's not an easy conversation to have. It's not a one-time conversation either. You need to stick to your message and keep saying the same thing over and over again to anything your mother says that tries to derail you from your decision to sell your house, retire and downsize.
Thank you. I know this won't be easy for her or for me. I have tried to hold on to my home for many years beyond d what I could afford to keep her comfortable but it's getting hard and if I dont retire, medical problems will force me. Without work I cant afford my house
I think there may be two separate issues here: (1) your need to downsize in order to retire and (2) your need to convince Mom to move into a care environment.
Have you identified somewhere you want to move into and there's just not enough room for Mom? Would you want to continue caring for Mom if you had enough space and some help? Or have your own issues reached the point you can no longer meet your mother's needs?
If you haven't already, I strongly suggest you contact your Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and see what services are available. Perhaps with bathing assistance, adult day care, and/or some in home care hours, you would to able to continue caring for Mom in your home if you prefer. Alternatively, AAA may be able to find a facility your Mom would like, maybe an AL instead of a NH. AAA may also be able to help you find an affordable apartment.
Older people worry about being abandoned and your mother may see NH placement as a form of abandonment. Reassure your mother NH placement is for her safety and direct care needs; that you wish you could continue to care for her in your home but that your own aging and finances are making that very difficult; that you will visit her often in NH and make sure she receives good care.
I am 72, mom is 96. Medical problems are starting to creep into my life and I am finding it difficult togive her the attention and care she needs. As ard as it will be I can't see another way. I am exhausted and sick. I just had surgery and day two I was up cooking for her. Which I wasnt supposed to be, but she needed to eat. If I dont work, I wont financially be able to keep my house. I have to sell to survive
You've gotten some great advice here. I just wanted to add that it's time for you to look after yourself and your health now, at 72. And you've taken care of your mom for long enough now, with her being 96, it's time for others to do the care giving. She will be fine in her new environment and you'll be happy you downsized. You are an amazing daughter to have done all you have for so long! All the best of luck!
Thank you. I don't feel amazing She belittles me all the time and hates me and wishes I'd die. She always had narcissistic traits and it's getting worse.. I feel guilty for having to get to a place where I can't care for her but you are right. Thank you for your comments
Is your mother able to comprehend your situation? Does she need the care of a nursing home or could she move to her own apartment? If she can understand that you are no longer able to care for her, honesty is the best policy.
No she could not live on her own. I have medical problems that have come up and it is ore and more difficult for me to care for her and myself. She is 96cand I am 72. Financially I cant keep my house once I retire or risk losing it after all the years I've struggled to keep it.
It sounds like ultimately you will be doing what is best for both of you. Your mom lives with you, she needs care that you can no longer provide. You can feel loving from that place, take the action to help her find a new place to live, and you can then take care of yourself knowing you did the best you could! Hugs and strength!
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Does she have friends who are living in a senior community?
It's your house. You don't need permission to sell your home, downsize and retire. Start by hiring a realtor. Getting a realtor will make it real. Make finding your mother new living arrangements that work for both of you as much of a priority as getting your house ready for sale. What can she afford?
I would keep the conversation matter of fact, something like: "Mom, I've decided that in # months I want to retire and have hired a realtor to sell my house. I want you to know that we have plenty of time to get you settled in a new place. We have made many good memories here and I'm selling this house while those memories are still good. I've gone over the numbers, and there are # retirement communities that fit the budget. We have appointments to go see them next week."
It's not an easy conversation to have. It's not a one-time conversation either. You need to stick to your message and keep saying the same thing over and over again to anything your mother says that tries to derail you from your decision to sell your house, retire and downsize.
Saying "mom, I can't do this anymore" is hard. But clearly, it has to be done.
Have you identified somewhere you want to move into and there's just not enough room for Mom? Would you want to continue caring for Mom if you had enough space and some help? Or have your own issues reached the point you can no longer meet your mother's needs?
If you haven't already, I strongly suggest you contact your Area Agency on Aging (AAA) and see what services are available. Perhaps with bathing assistance, adult day care, and/or some in home care hours, you would to able to continue caring for Mom in your home if you prefer. Alternatively, AAA may be able to find a facility your Mom would like, maybe an AL instead of a NH. AAA may also be able to help you find an affordable apartment.
Older people worry about being abandoned and your mother may see NH placement as a form of abandonment. Reassure your mother NH placement is for her safety and direct care needs; that you wish you could continue to care for her in your home but that your own aging and finances are making that very difficult; that you will visit her often in NH and make sure she receives good care.
All the best of luck!