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By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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You can't change her, as was mentioned in the comments to your previous post. You can only change yourself; your reactions to her, your exposure to the toxicity; how long you stay in her presence, etc. Learn to set boundaries for yourself about how much negativity you will tolerate before you leave the room, or the house, etc. Let your mother know why you're leaving, too, because all the negativity is depleting your inner resources and bringing you down. Be prepared to have HER deny that she's being negative, too, as my mother does. Women like this hate to own their own negative behaviors or take responsibility for them; it's always 'someone else's fault' that they're being negative nelly's and they're 'entitled' to feel that way, in spite of how it's making US feel.
If your mother wants to be in your presence, she'll soon learn that ugly talk from her will only force you to withdraw yourself, so unless she's okay with that, she may back off a bit with the negativity. My mother is truly incapable of saying one nice thing about another person, so I quit expecting it from her. I limit my contact with her to short spurts of time as a result.
If you are the caretaker for your parents, the best thing to do is hire outside help to come in and give you respite. Surrounding yourself with negativity all the time and having no escape from constant caregiving will give you burnout VERY soon and can affect your health dramatically. It's easy to say 'just ignore it' but that becomes impossible after a while, let's face it. Think about yourself here too and realize that YOUR life is just as important as your parents lives.
This is hard. No doubt about it. But if she has always been this way, then I think you already know that it is not going to change. What you can change is how you deal with it.
Negativity can bring you down. But do not let it. Accept the fact that your mom is negative. Don't let it in. You know she's going to complain about whatever it is that she likes to complain about. Let it go in one ear and out the other.
I can see why you would not be thrilled with this. Don't feel bad. My mom can be negative and complains about everything too but I just have given up on it and, in my head, say whatever. I don't engage when she gets like that and just go about my business.
If she's like my mom, she probably has just about no interest in fixing anything, just likes to be negative about all kinds of things. Ignore it, do what you are willing to do with her and your dad and don't let it get under your skin. Or try to set some boundaries. Especially if she's negative towards you.
Unfortunately I feel the same way about my own mother. Thankfully i have a therapist who helps me try to change my reaction. I haven’t been able to change my reaction yet so I limit my time with her. Fortunately I have other siblings who see her regularly. My question is - are there a lot of men on this site who are in similar situations?
I'm male 57 and my mom is 88 and very negative. She has been negative her whole life and when I was a kid it was more less "normal negative". After 65 or so she has declined and now everything is negative. I tried working with a therapist about this and could not adjust to this and stopped going to therapy because I could not make the therapist understand. Do some research on "enmeshment" and adult children and elderly parents. You might also try researching "emotional incest". I think you might have a better understanding of what's really behind the negative behavior. Until I found this forum I had never heard the terms, and now that I understand it and how my mom views our relationship, her negativity makes so much more sense. Not that it's any easier to deal with but you will understand it better.
You don't. She can only change herself. If she's bringing you down, walk or stay away. Perhaps the next time she starts being negative, try saying... mom when you can be more positive, I will be happy to stay and talk with you. But if you can't, I'm out of here. And then leave. It really is as simple as that. Maybe when she realizes that you're spending more time away than with her, she may rethink her attitude choices. Good luck.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
If your mother wants to be in your presence, she'll soon learn that ugly talk from her will only force you to withdraw yourself, so unless she's okay with that, she may back off a bit with the negativity. My mother is truly incapable of saying one nice thing about another person, so I quit expecting it from her. I limit my contact with her to short spurts of time as a result.
If you are the caretaker for your parents, the best thing to do is hire outside help to come in and give you respite. Surrounding yourself with negativity all the time and having no escape from constant caregiving will give you burnout VERY soon and can affect your health dramatically. It's easy to say 'just ignore it' but that becomes impossible after a while, let's face it. Think about yourself here too and realize that YOUR life is just as important as your parents lives.
Negativity can bring you down. But do not let it. Accept the fact that your mom is negative. Don't let it in. You know she's going to complain about whatever it is that she likes to complain about. Let it go in one ear and out the other.
I can see why you would not be thrilled with this. Don't feel bad. My mom can be negative and complains about everything too but I just have given up on it and, in my head, say whatever. I don't engage when she gets like that and just go about my business.
If she's like my mom, she probably has just about no interest in fixing anything, just likes to be negative about all kinds of things. Ignore it, do what you are willing to do with her and your dad and don't let it get under your skin. Or try to set some boundaries. Especially if she's negative towards you.
Good luck.
Perhaps the next time she starts being negative, try saying... mom when you can be more positive, I will be happy to stay and talk with you. But if you can't, I'm out of here. And then leave. It really is as simple as that.
Maybe when she realizes that you're spending more time away than with her, she may rethink her attitude choices.
Good luck.