My husband’s mother is a narcissist and has an extreme lack of empathy for anyone or anything to a scary degree. Husband says she has always been that way but now, aging and possibly beginning of some sort of dementia has been exasperated. She has no sense what is clean or dirty, not bathing regularly or washing hands, etc. She is never happy in any way, with any subject. She lives in a home most would be very happy and wants for nothing. But, she will only speak of her needs and desires, medication, etc. she can never, ever be positive about anything, ever. she will debate anything. She cannot do the simplest task to help keep up after she or her shedding dog. She flips everything on me in every situation. I cannot walk thru my own house without being caught for hours. I feel like a stranger in my home and the mental and physical beat down after only three months is immense. My husband has just begun retirement process from a very stressful job. He has had some health concerns that she is not even yet aware of. That and other issues take precedence over trying to resolve this serious problem. Holidays have always been so
special to me. She gets great satisfaction in preventing celebrations or destroying them. Really anything important to me she tries to laugh off or criticize in some phony, passive aggressive manner. My husband seems blind to how adept she is at manipulating him, doctors or just about anyone who doesn’t spend lengthy periods of time with her. She has no
feeling at all for anything outside of herself but demands her needs met at the precise moment she wants them to be. I don’t know when I became the “caretaker and maid.” I have been walking this thin line, trying to keep husband from stressing and to keep her “happy” and cared for. I am so mentally and physically rundown, that I don’t even want to look at her. I have nowhere to find peace in the house. I feel like a prisoner in my own home at a time when we should have been able to plan to begin enjoying retirement. How in the world do you reason with someone who doesn’t care to do so? When confronted, Her answer is always, “I don’t know or No one told me.” She brags that she got thru life by saying “I don’t know” so people wouldn’t expect much of her. She just continues on her way with no regard for the way she affects our lives, marriage, house or anything else. My mother has passed. This woman is not my mother, and I have all but lost any feeling for trying to care for her. She doesn’t have enough for AL and her monthly income in this state is too much for government assistance. I adore my husband but he will not really ever stand up for me or against his mom. I am so lost and staring at the new year with no relief is incredibly daunting.
If MIL has 'always been this way', a 'narcissist' and all the rest of it, why on earth would your husband move her into your HOME and thrust her upon YOU to care for? I'd issue the man an ultimatum: it's her or ME, buddy. If he has this little respect for you and your feelings that he'd move such a dreadful person into your home where you have no life, no privacy, and she ruins even your holidays, why are you even married to him???? Marriage needs to be based on mutual respect. Not where one person lays down the law & the other person has no choice but to say Okay Honey, No Problem, and then suffer every day of her life thereafter.
I see this as a marriage problem, not a MIL problem. A man who won't stand up for his WIFE and can't/won't say no to his momma. A wife should come first in a man's life when he says I Do. Otherwise, he Does Not and the wife loses out. How is it you don't see this?
See a lawyer or two. One who can talk to you about divorce and another who can talk to you about how to get MIL out of the house and into managed care of some kind where she can tell others "I don't know" and see how far it will get her. It's worked all these years b/c nobody's had the chutzpah to stand up to her B.S. That gig is up now, IF you or DH have the chutzpah to say it is.
Good luck.
It does seem as if Bad MIL has some dementia, and it may be more than a mild stage. You can't reason with people who have dementia, and counseling might not help because her brain may lack capacity to understand. From what you tell us, that seems to be the case now.
If you have a big enough house, claim some corner of it that can be locked and go lock yourself in there at least once a day for as long as you can. One hour, two hours? Your bedroom would do. Make it clear that you're not to be disturbed because you're meditating or practicing yoga or taking a nap (but being by yourself with no activity is fine; you don't need to say that, though). And then don't come out unless she's set the house on fire.
I hope you can make a plan to help yourself and find peace in this new year.
Dutifulntired, would recommend getting out by yourself as much as you can, scheduling counselling for you & your husband, and getting a dementia diagnosis from a neurologist for your MIL..
Have you checked to see if your state Medicaid allows for Qualified Income Trusts aka Miller Trust?
This is how you would get her qualified for assistance. It really does require an attorney to set up but, well worth the money, MIL would be paying, of course.
You have to be honest with your husband, this kind of stress could kill you. He is ill and he would be stuck with this situation solo, if something happened to you. What would happen to his health then?
It is okay to tell him that you love him dearly but, you can't live with his mom and she needs to go. I wouldn't threaten to leave, I would say that if he feels obligated to be her 24/7 caregiver then he has to do it some place besides your home.
Have you ever stood up for yourself with the old battle ax? It is okay to tell her to wait, get it herself, leave you alone and shut her mouth or whatever you feel needs to be said. You DO NOT need to be her servant. If she can't do anything then she needs a nursing home and since she's just miserable anyways, who cares if she likes it or not.
Start today standing up for yourself and telling her no. It can't possibly be any worse for you and maybe, your husband needs to deal with her to understand what a miserable person she is.
You matter too, please do not let his health concerns destroy you by carrying the load for both him and his miserable mom.
Duti,
Now DH is retiring, you need to turn the reins over to him.* He needs to see what a pain Mom is and how she is going to effect his retirement. With everything you have said, she needs to be in a NH. If she has no money, then apply for Medicaid. You need to set boundries for yourself because she will try to cross them. Its your house that she has been welcomed into. She needs you more than you need her and she needs to know this. She should be doing what she can for herself otherwise you are disabling her. There is a book, Christian based, called Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. My daughter says its very good. Also, look up the "Grey Rock Method". You literally ignore her. You do what needs to be done, but you ignore her. You do not engage with her in any way.
I would not have called my MIL a Narcissist but she liked things to go her way. She was passive agressive and tended to tell lies. (My DH said she exaggerated) I think her sons learned early on to just say "yes" and then do what they wanted. I will tell you, my DH never said no, but he never said yes. Actually by not saying no, she took it as a yes and I usually was the one who said no. Just think the boys found it was easier just to let her think what she wanted. They married women who used the word no. She would have never lived with me and TG we never had to make that decision.
*I know your husband has health problems. Could they be caused by being raised by this woman? He needs to see what u go thru 24/7 with her for him. You cannot take care of the two of them if his health worsens and maybe it will improve if she is not living with you. I don't think you need therapy, I think he does. All he owes this woman is to be safe, clean, warm and fed. That all can be done in a NH so you both can have your home back. Right now he can handle his Mom because he works and has you doing the rest. He needs to see that living with Mom 24/7 is not going to work.
Find out as much about her financial situation as you can (social security amount, pension, assets, investments). Last year's tax return is a good place to start.
Investigate, starting with the local Area Agency on Aging, what resources are available to older adults. Adult Day Care, Senior Centers, meal assistance.
Find out what Medicaid programs exist in your state. Make sure you look at "long term care" Medicaid and "Waiver programs". Find out if Memory Care can be paid for via waivers.
Ask the AAA to come to your home to do a "needs assessment". Be there for that assessment. Correct any misinformation Mil gives.
Get MIL on every waiting list you can for low cost senior housing.
Make YOURSELF an appointment to see a licensed therapist to talk about your dysfunctional living situation. I am struck by the fact that you "adore" a husband who is at once a coward and a bully.
Stop explaining, justifying or defending your actions. Any attention you give MIL is fuel for her narcissistic tendencies. Look up Grey Rock and put it into action.
Stop providing "services" for her.
Give that all a shot and let us know how it goes. Actions speak much more loudly than words...
The question is WHY did this happen? Why did mil move in with you? What other family members are there? Were the expectations of you laid out from the start? And, did you agree to this arrangement?
"I adore my husband but he will not really ever stand up for me or against his mom."
Then that is a big problem. Would he choose her over you? Because it may come to that. Would he go to couples counseling? The goal would be to make him see that this arrangement isn't working out and that mil has to leave, NOT to make you accept your caregiving slave situation.
Narcissism causes an adult to act like a demonstrative 2 yr old, that's 20's---50's etc. Something gets broken during 1st couple yrs of development. Most mothers like this raise their children to be their slaves, doormats, etc, if you can imagine that. They see their children as extensions of themselves, existing only to serve their wants & needs. They also see their children's wives/husbands and their grandchildren just as they do their own son or daughter, as extensions only there to serve them. Weird right....
Psychologists have the hardest time getting narcissists to even come to their office. Even harder for a return visit because all narcissists are completely convinced they are fine, better than fine, all that (See Donald Trump, Madonna etc.) Real truth is their ego's (internal souls) are so fragile they created an entire world view of themselves that has nothing to do with reality you see & experience. She lit may see herself as a loving mom & mother-in-law, believe it or not. Thats what makes it a personality disorder ie psychological mess dumped in your yard to clean up endlessly.
My mother causes me & my wife of 33 yrs problems w/a phone fr a nursing home, she never quits with the demands, games etc. My mother 4me is a trigger, "THE TRIGGER!" For last 41 yrs all we have done is fight, never giving into her. Wasn't until my early 40's figured out what we were dealing with exactly: a narcissistic personality named mom.
#1: She is never going to stop, she can't... #2: You will never be able to reason with her. She couldn't see herself except thru the "Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, telling her she's the fairest one of all", in her 20's fwd. How can she with dementia and her decline? That's the real of it. Investigate narcissistic mothers via the web, tons of stuff. Reasoning with her is futile!!!!! Hoping she will eventually chill out is futile!!!!!
Not to disparage your marriage one iota, just going to say this. My mother is my mother, my wife does nothing to take care of her, it's my responsibility 100%! She doesn't even go in the nursing home, take calls nor buy her clothing etc, all that is my responsibility. All her bills, care of any sort is my duty...
If your husband wants her cared for w/minimal effort fr him, put her in a nursing home near by. Elder law attorney's can fast track such things. Her doctor can help fast track that as well. Get her on Medicaid if your state allows. Taking a toxic person w/narcissistic personality disorder into your home is going to break U or your marriage or both. That is its very design. The queen rules, U and your husband are but the court jesters as has been myself, my wife and son. My son stopped speaking to his grandmother 15 yrs ago, he is almost 33 now. Has zip to do with her, thinks I am crazy for taking care of her, even in a nursing home environment, limited contact as that is.
Hope this helps sum. Sorry your being dragged thru this hellish nightmare. My nightmare is now 51 yrs and counting. Know the drill all too well. Grew up under that constant drumbeat till I left at 17, joined Army in 1988.
if can help you or your husband any further
https://www.google.com/amp/s/narcwise.com/2018/01/20/break-free-from-abuse-by-emotionally-unhooking-starving-the-narcissist-heres-how/%3famp=1
We will have some concrete suggestions, but need some clarification.
1. Has MIL moved in with you, or you with she?
2. How long have you been married?
3. Who has Power of Attorney for finances and healthcare for MIL?
4. What state do you live in?
This is a soluable problem. You cannot "convince" MIL of anything: YOUR actions are what will need to change.
I am so sorry that you have found yourself in this miserable situation. You’re clearly at your wits end. I don’t blame you for being exasperated with this situation.
I understand that you love your husband. Surely, you must be disappointed in his behavior though. He has allowed his mother to have control of your home. There hasn’t been any boundaries established. Have you tried speaking to her yourself or would your efforts be in total vain?
How long have you been married? Was this living arrangement with his mom supposed to be a temporary situation or was it an open ended offer?
How long has your mother in law been living with you? Does she have any major medical issues? You stated that she has mental issues and that your husband has said that she has always behaved in this way.
So, are you saying that he invited her into your home in spite of her behavior? Or did she ask to live with you and he didn’t want to say no to her? I’m trying to fully understand your situation.
Did your husband ask if you minded her moving in? Is he bothered by the way she treats you? Are you at the point of leaving if she stays?
You are not obligated to care for her. You married her son, not his mom. Have you told your husband exactly how you feel about this situation?
I don’t care if she has gotten by all her life by ‘playing dumb’ and saying that she ‘doesn’t know’ anything. It’s your husband’s place to ‘educate’ her on the fact that she has made a nuisance of herself by living in your home. It’s his place to tell her to leave.
Your mother in law will have to figure out her financial and future living arrangements. Your husband could assist her in coming up with a plan.
It must infuriate you that your husband doesn’t stand up for you. He is married to you and not his mother.
I hope that I wasn’t too blunt but this is what I see from your posting.
I would say that you need couples counseling but I don’t have much faith that he would attend. That shouldn’t stop you from going though to gain a better perspective on your relationship with your husband.
Wishing you all the best.
Do you want strategies for dealing with MIL's behaviour?
Or are you re-thinking living all together?
Plans need to change & adapt too.