My husband’s mother is a narcissist and has an extreme lack of empathy for anyone or anything to a scary degree. Husband says she has always been that way but now, aging and possibly beginning of some sort of dementia has been exasperated. She has no sense what is clean or dirty, not bathing regularly or washing hands, etc. She is never happy in any way, with any subject. She lives in a home most would be very happy and wants for nothing. But, she will only speak of her needs and desires, medication, etc. she can never, ever be positive about anything, ever. she will debate anything. She cannot do the simplest task to help keep up after she or her shedding dog. She flips everything on me in every situation. I cannot walk thru my own house without being caught for hours. I feel like a stranger in my home and the mental and physical beat down after only three months is immense. My husband has just begun retirement process from a very stressful job. He has had some health concerns that she is not even yet aware of. That and other issues take precedence over trying to resolve this serious problem. Holidays have always been so
special to me. She gets great satisfaction in preventing celebrations or destroying them. Really anything important to me she tries to laugh off or criticize in some phony, passive aggressive manner. My husband seems blind to how adept she is at manipulating him, doctors or just about anyone who doesn’t spend lengthy periods of time with her. She has no
feeling at all for anything outside of herself but demands her needs met at the precise moment she wants them to be. I don’t know when I became the “caretaker and maid.” I have been walking this thin line, trying to keep husband from stressing and to keep her “happy” and cared for. I am so mentally and physically rundown, that I don’t even want to look at her. I have nowhere to find peace in the house. I feel like a prisoner in my own home at a time when we should have been able to plan to begin enjoying retirement. How in the world do you reason with someone who doesn’t care to do so? When confronted, Her answer is always, “I don’t know or No one told me.” She brags that she got thru life by saying “I don’t know” so people wouldn’t expect much of her. She just continues on her way with no regard for the way she affects our lives, marriage, house or anything else. My mother has passed. This woman is not my mother, and I have all but lost any feeling for trying to care for her. She doesn’t have enough for AL and her monthly income in this state is too much for government assistance. I adore my husband but he will not really ever stand up for me or against his mom. I am so lost and staring at the new year with no relief is incredibly daunting.
Some OP’s post, never show up! Lots of yada, yada, yada for nothing.
I stood my ground, he has never really forgiven me for not accepting a woman who hates me with all her heart into my home.
Because, the truth it, he can't stand her, but now that I have zero contact with her (and I mean ZERO) he has to step up occasionally and help out with her.
My 'presence', in fact, that I am ALIVE is irritating to her. I haven't seen her in 3 years. I don't plan to even go to her funeral. She is not in my life.
But DH still brings it up--how selfish I am.
Narcs are a breed apart. You cannot win with one. Sad, but true.
I never hated her. I always wanted a decent relationship, but it had to come from me, 100% and she would decide if she would 'accept' me. Mostly, she wishes that cancer had taken me. And she told me that, in front of DH, who is so clueless he didn't even GET it when she said it.
IDK why she's like that. Or why ANY Narc is like that.
Thank God that you told him that you would leave first before taking her into your house. She would have made your life hell on earth.
Then off you go to a friend, sister, residential hotel.
This is why my man will not stay here. He comes by nearly every day but he will not stay here because he will not share a home with my mother. He's a good man and has let a lot slide with her over the years to keep the peace. He was as tolerant of her as he could be, but always limited his exposure to her. He also saw what moving back here and taking up her caregiving did to me and this he cannot forgive. He doesn't have to.
I choose him and our boy over my mother. I hope the OP's husband chooses her over his mother too.
This is why there can be no possibility of my mother living with us. She thinks she's moving with us and will be in for a very rude awakening when I go if she doesn't get over the nonsense denial and start accepting the help I put in place for her. I hope she will but I don't think so and in which case I am leaving the responsibility of her on my sibling's doorstep. I've had enough years of it.
husband probably blocks some issues for his own sanity since childhood. I totally affirm how awful a narcissist can be. I felt with my abusiveness mother .
I do agree with the post below as to literally ignoring her words to you. Walk away or continue your task. It did work for me .
KEY behaviors from you:
* Ignore her; do not engage at all. You want to avoid any confrontation or arguing, which is exactly what she wants.
* If you walk away, she has no one to 'fight' with (but herself).
* If you feel inclined to respond, say "I hear you feel xxx" then walk away (as she will immediately substantiate her position / feelings to keep you engaged. Do not allow this). She is baiting or bating you like a fish on a pole, reeling you in.
Do not allow yourself to be pulled into this exchange.
You need to find yourself again.
HUSBAND
* If your husband doesn't support you / stand up for you, then let him handle his mother. Take yourself out of the equation.
* Question yourself: How can you 'adore' a man / husband who treats you like this? This sounds like a dependency kind of love - he is not supporting you, his wife.
* You need to find the strength inside you to feel good about yourself - without his support and regardless of how his mother speaks to you.
* Once you decide how you want / need to be supported by him, have a serious sit-down discussion outlining your needs.
* See if he actually understands how you feel (he may not (?)
* Depending on his response, you must decide how involved you will be - while his mother is in the picture.
FIND SUPPORT
* You need to vent / gain support from family / friends - wherever you can find it (besides here).
* You need to shift your in-the-moment toxic experience to:
- Going out in nature; focus on trees, flowers
- Go for a walk
- Write in a journal
- Do ANYTHING to shift when you feel belittled or beaten down emotionally and psychologically.
- Do healthy behaviors: walk, exercise, meditate. Don't turn to self-destructive behaviors such as stuffing in feelings with over-eating or whatever you might be inclined to do. This is a time when you need to FEEL what you FEEL. Do not judge how you FEEL. Make a DECISION to change your behavior(s) to change the situation.
DO KNOW / REMEMBER
* If you allow this / these scenarios to continue, it is what you are doing to yourself.
* You need to take responsibility for your own reactions / behavior. If you do not change, the situation will not change.
Gena / Touch Matter
Well said and exactly right. Self-destructive behaviors are often the 'Go-To' when a person is is abused or bullied.
I "stuffed" my feelings and smoked like a house on fire for a long time.
I let my mother's abuse and belittling go out of control when I moved back in here. I played into her games for a long time and ate myself up to 250 pounds and smoked two packs a day.
I lost just over 100 of those pounds and haven't smoked in two years because I stopped playing her games. When she acts up she gets ignored completely. She now doubles-down on the verbal abuse and attempts at guilt-tripping and belitting because she knows the clock is ticking and I'm leaving soon. She's in denial and thinks that in the end I'll take her with me to live back with my ex-husband and son.
Not happening.
If you don't want to continue living this way, keep this little phrase on your lips, "nothing changes if nothing changes." BE THE CHANGE!
I'm all for people seeking out mental health services, but elderly people do not change.
A manipulative narcissist who also has dementia is not going to benefit from anything a geriatric psychiatrist can do for them.
They need to be placed and cared for by professional caregivers.
Consult an elder law attorney to see what your options are and the financial picture to place her elsewhere. They may have additional insight about paying to place her in assisted living. They are used to both the legal aspects and the family issues of caregiving. Our elder law attorney also recommended a great assisted living facility. With this knowledge you can approach your husband with a game plan. You cannot continue this way. It isn't healthy for you mentally, emotionally or physically. There is a 63% higher mortality rate for caregivers with all other factors being equal. If you issue an ultimatum, be prepared to follow through even if it's a month stay in a suite in long term lodging. He may discover he can't ignore the situation anymore.
Zero Tolerance! MIL needs to be moved out of Your Home, no exceptions! Have her placed into a mental hospital or care facility.
If you requires financial assistance if forced to leave your own home for sanity and safety reasons, ask an attorney or county for assistance. Good Luck!
For your own wellbeing and sanity you need to immediately get your MIL out of your home and into an affordable apartment of her own and have aides come in a few days a week to assist her. If you do not get her out of your home you will end up getting a mental breakdown. I have experienced what you are going through, and I can relate and empathize with you.
For your own sanity, do not make your MIL break you or your marriage. I urge you to do what’s right for YOU.
I work from home and have an office across from her room. She never really worked herself and one of my frustrations is she doesn't respect what we've asked of her, if my door is closed do not call me unless it's urgent, if I am on a Teams or Zoom call, same thing. She still calls me so I have stopped jumping up each time she calls. Typical requests are food, help to the bathroom, change the TV channel (lady you've been using a remote how long?), wanting to change or bath. I've set some clear boundaries but will be setting more, like I do not help her bath unless my husband is home. She is a fall risk. Like you if she asks me to take her to the store, or to go get her something I tell her no and we will have to do it later. Once she came out of her room and went to the front door, her friend was there and she was demanding he take her out. He told her no because her mobility is bad, he doesn't want to make my husband mad, and he doesn't want to be responsible for if her health fails.
I told her kids I was going to make her a shirt, it's too hot, it's too cold, it's too soft, it's too hard, it's too sweet, it's not sweet enough, I want it, no I don't want it. These all get old with her. I'm looking for other boundaries that I can set with her, lately she's feeling better and seems to becoming more of a diva and I feel she has been competing for my husband's attention. It is very frustrating as she is pushing more now for her own wants and expectations.
Was your husband a 'mama's boy'? Some men never really cut those apron strings, and the Narcissistic mothers are fine with that constant attention/ownership of their offspring; and some women resent any woman who comes into the picture to divide the son's devotion, making the 'interloper' miserable, feeling like an outcast in their own home. You are not a 'squatter' in your home; it is your home; MIL is essentially a Guest.
Put your foot down, after you find out all your legal protections. This is not deceptive, this is sensible self-protection. You and your husband must be a united front with his mother; otherwise you are 'odd (wo)man out.' Your 'adoration' of your husband might be affecting your seeing your predicament accurately. This also looks like almost classic 'triangulation'...a setup whereby the 3 parties are co-dependent and no real growth can happen; someone always gets the 'raw deal.' Wishing all the best for all concerned.
I think your MIL should be moved into a facility, far away from Your House!
With all that said, would your husband even consider placement? If not, you and he can talk about hiring some help with her 'too much' money to help YOU. You clearly are at a breaking point dealing with someone else's mother - he/she need to participate in a plan to allow others to handle some of the chores you do for her. If he's dead set against that, too, then make a chore list and assign things to him. Tell him you want and need help.
I would tell dear mother in-law that she has two choices: stop the bullying or look for a new place to live. I can't believe that your husband brought this burden into your life to deal with! If all else fails, send her to a nursing facility.
Heck, I'll get mad for you.
She has to go.
The flipping everything on you and trying to make the blame for everything fit you means she's in competition with you for her son's attention. This is more common than people think.
You don't have to let this miserable, petty, negative, narcissistic, manipulative a$$hole ruin your life, home, and marriage because she's old and happens to be an in-law.
Your husband will have to decide that either he wants to live with mommy or with his wife because it's not going to be both. She goes into assisted living or managed care. Find somewhere for her to be placed then drop her off.