My 83 year old father refuses every attempt at linking him to services for my mom and thinks everyone is out to get him or rip him off. I go over 3x week to help out and give him some time away, but he won’t leave until he has wasted a good chunk of time venting about his troubles! The constant banter about his negative viewpoint of the world is exhausting and when he gets escalated he insults me and gets agitated- his latest tirade recently jumped to him grabbing me 3x at which I said ,”No more or 911 would be called.” I left then, but 2 days later left a note stating my condition for return: that he leave the house when I arrive to see my mom. I plan to call him from the driveway so he can walk out the door avoiding confrontation. How sad is that? I can’t stand to be near him, but also can’t stand the thought that he is all my mother has as a caregiver! He has dominated over her their entire 60 years of marriage, so any attempt at getting more help for her, or to get him to consider LT placement only makes him angry. He is fixated on money and it appears to be his motivating force to keep her at home even though she is wheelchair bound due to strokes, incontinent, obese, and has dementia. It’s only a matter of time before one of them gets hurt and I’m disgusted, frustrated, and concerned.
I like your plan to call from the driveway. Keep the car running until he leaves. If he attempts to engage in anything other than a friendly conversation, drive away.
Have you considered that your dad may be experiencing some cognitive decline himself?
You might also consider a call to Adult Protective Services; it doesn't sound like dad is capable of providing the level of care she needs.
Perhaps you should consider that your father is actually sliding into dementia himself? You are assigning reasons for his deteriorating behaviors but at 83 it is more likely cognitive decline. Keep calling APS for your mom's sake. She's the main victim.
It sounds to me as though you are negotiating a difficult situation the best you can. You mind ask to speak to APS personally for advice, but I think sending them at this point could actually endanger your mother more.
You are right in that this will eventually certainly come to a head; your Dad sounds to be sinking mentally slowly into an abyss which, given his personality traits, could be dangerous to anyone in his general sphere.
Just want to offer support, a hug and a prayer because anyone can see that you are in a miserable spot.
I certainly understand how you feel. Wishing the very best for you and your mom.
If your dad has been this way his entire life, I know that you don’t expect any positive change from him.
Yep! Keep your distance as much as possible because he is a time bomb waiting to explode.
His behavior has proven what his character is.
I am so sorry that you and your mom have endured such pain and agony. I wish that your mom had found the courage to leave him.
Long ago, divorce wasn’t common, even though people had valid reasons for divorce.
There wasn’t a lot of support. counseling wasn’t recommended either. It’s sad. Thank goodness, we have evolved and now see the benefits from counseling and divorce when it becomes necessary in order to achieve a better life.
Many women were not working outside of the home and so on. The ‘good old days’ weren’t always good, certainly not for everyone.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care.
My dad would have had a heart attack if he'd lived to see me writing monthly checks for $9,000 for my mother's nursing home. They could well afford it, but it just wasn't something he'd envisioned. Before he died and when Mom was still home, I had to convince him to spend a big chunk of money to make their 1932 home more accessible, too. In spite of that expenditure and Mom's monthly bills, their portfolio is larger than it was before these expenses started, thanks to careful investing on my part.
Your dad is scared, not narcissistic. He's overwhelmed with your mom's care, he's elderly himself, and he doesn't have anyone to talk to now that you've banished him as a condition of coming to his house to "help."
No, he's not fun to be around, but if you empathize with him and try to understand his fears and help him through them, he might behave somewhat differently.
Your mom isn't the only one suffering here. You have an elderly man accustomed to being in control who is no longer able to control everything. I think if you make the effort to see that his ailments aren't as visible to the naked eye as your mom's, you'd see he, too, needs help. It just might need to be more subtle help that maintains his dignity of feeling in control while helping him learn how to ensure his funds won't be depleted. Try not to fight with him and build an alliance instead.