I find myself so annoyed and irritated with my mom... and it seems like for no valid reason. She’s not demanding or super needy— she really just sits there and watches TV. She can’t really take care of herself with a broken shoulder and being a huge fall risk, so she does need some assistance... but I find myself getting so upset and angry with her. Mainly when I’m asking questions about how to handle her past due bills or what’s going on with this account or her house payments... and it’s like she’s not even worried about it. And it’s like she’s either not listening or can’t follow what I’m talking about. I’ll ask a question and she’ll respond but it’s like she didn’t understand what I asked or when I tell her she needs to find out something she instantly say “I don’t know “... I know you don’t know, I’m saying I need you to find out”. At this point I’m infuriated and I catch myself raising my voice... it’s like dealing with a toddler some days. It’s not every day but still.... And I don’t know how to handle it!! Why am I so angry and hateful?? and annoyed?? Why do I not understand that she’s 71 and aging?? What’s wrong with me???
Short answer is that you are perfectly normal! Completely normal reaction to become annoyed.
I hope things get better for you in the future. Take care.
of the kids wants to go see a movie, or I just drive down the backroads and pull over for a good cry. Prayers for you...even the best relationships are hard to keep together, forever.
So glad that you do get out and get some relief.
I burned out and I don’t even think I recognized it completely or even saw it coming. I kept thinking that I could handle everything.
It wasn’t until I was away from caregiving that I saw the true destruction that it caused in my life.
I am relieved it’s over and working with a therapist to settle things in my head and heart.
I have a family member who will default to this whenever she feels pressured or backed into a corner; it can be a way to buy time or a way to disagree without actually coming out and saying so, a way to deflect confrontation.
If you think your mother isn't dealing with her bills competently then rather than trying to force her to do so you can either shrug your shoulders - que sera - or you can step in and take over. "Mom, is it OK if I contact the power company about this bill? I'll need you to sign this form giving me permission if it is" (as you hand her the pen....).
Do you turn off the t.v. first, get Mom's attention?
Bring her a glass of water, a cup of coffee, or juice?
Is there a time of day she is more alert?
She is a young age to be having these symptoms.
Will physical therapy help for her shoulder?
Is she in a lot of pain?
He tried to cooperate, but he could not. I saw he was trying, sitting down facing me. I was frustrated. The information we needed was to help him. After 1/2 hour, I had to make the decision alone, without the information. It was after so much misinformation, and going down a rabbit hole of false directions.
1) Change your expectations.
Of your mother, and of yourself.
2) If you have to be someone's caregiver, expecting to do it in a professional way without getting upset at times is just not possible because you are human, and you are family. Venting your frustrations here and finding others who are going through the same will help you over time.
After our conversation last night, we both were in the kitchen, nibbling on some parsley. Do not eat too much (due to vitamin K issues), but it helps with blood pressure. Imo.
It’s like she automatically gets lazy as soon as I show up and she expects me to do everything but when I am not around, she can handle things with ease. It can be very frustrating.
Her brain just has lost its ability to understand the impact of what she is or is not doing. And it will probably get worse for her and you.
If you can, I woud suggest that you take charge of of reding and planning on how to pay her bills. Develope a plan and try writing the checks and have her sign them.
You may eventually have to do the same thing with her shopping, dressing and bathing.
My experience with the TV and sitting was that she is engrossed with the animation of the TV. Everything else is sitting still except the TV.
If she is still capable of signing a POA for fianancial and medical, get it now. After she reaches a certain point you may have to take over everything for her.
And when concidering the POA be sure to visit her bank and find out just what they may require. some will not accept a POA unless it is on their forms and conditions.
Start looking into social security about being designated payee or whatever they call it.
Just remember that there is help and information available here whenever you may need it. Even if it just to blow off steam.
I would suggest that you begin now to plan for the future. Just about anything you can think of may happen.
This will include planning time for yourself. so start looking into companion care for her so you can take a break for yourself.
Finally we could tailor our responses if you could provide more information about what has been diagnosed with? What are her needs and how do you handle them?
Have you inquired about how to help her without injuring yourself?
There is just so much to learn and here is the best starting point.
Good luck and keep us up to date.
My best advice (but also the hardest) is to try to detach a little and treat her as you would treat a stranger, if that makes sense. I also found a little meme online about memory/Alzheimer's and I keep it on my phone as the lock screen so I can look at it quickly (and often) when I am with her -- reminding myself of better ways to interact with her (Divert, never reason; Repeat, never say "I told you", Distract, never shame; etc.) But, honestly, many days, it is still hard.
Is she in a place where you can just take over those bills (do you have POA to do that?), then you can just pay them, sort of behind her back? She may be having some mental decline so that paying the bills and worrying about them just isn't something she is capable of, so you taking over might be a relief. If and when she notices or asks about a bill, you just let her know that it got paid (maybe show her the receipt)? Maybe she will be relieved to not have that burden anymore, and that's one less thing for the two of you to fuss over??
Is she mentally cognizant? If yes, maybe she needs to handle her bills. My dad does the same thing with stuff he doesn't want to talk about. Uurrrgghh!
71 is not old, so take a close look at what she can and should be doing and let her do it.
Isn't that the truth??!! I try to get me mom to do her exercises and take better care of herself, etc. It's like she just doesn't care and is only 76, but an old 76. She doesn't want to do any work to help her physical issues but COMPLAINS about this all the time. Very frustrating.