I find myself so annoyed and irritated with my mom... and it seems like for no valid reason. She’s not demanding or super needy— she really just sits there and watches TV. She can’t really take care of herself with a broken shoulder and being a huge fall risk, so she does need some assistance... but I find myself getting so upset and angry with her. Mainly when I’m asking questions about how to handle her past due bills or what’s going on with this account or her house payments... and it’s like she’s not even worried about it. And it’s like she’s either not listening or can’t follow what I’m talking about. I’ll ask a question and she’ll respond but it’s like she didn’t understand what I asked or when I tell her she needs to find out something she instantly say “I don’t know “... I know you don’t know, I’m saying I need you to find out”. At this point I’m infuriated and I catch myself raising my voice... it’s like dealing with a toddler some days. It’s not every day but still.... And I don’t know how to handle it!! Why am I so angry and hateful?? and annoyed?? Why do I not understand that she’s 71 and aging?? What’s wrong with me???
Is she mentally cognizant? If yes, maybe she needs to handle her bills. My dad does the same thing with stuff he doesn't want to talk about. Uurrrgghh!
71 is not old, so take a close look at what she can and should be doing and let her do it.
Isn't that the truth??!! I try to get me mom to do her exercises and take better care of herself, etc. It's like she just doesn't care and is only 76, but an old 76. She doesn't want to do any work to help her physical issues but COMPLAINS about this all the time. Very frustrating.
My best advice (but also the hardest) is to try to detach a little and treat her as you would treat a stranger, if that makes sense. I also found a little meme online about memory/Alzheimer's and I keep it on my phone as the lock screen so I can look at it quickly (and often) when I am with her -- reminding myself of better ways to interact with her (Divert, never reason; Repeat, never say "I told you", Distract, never shame; etc.) But, honestly, many days, it is still hard.
Is she in a place where you can just take over those bills (do you have POA to do that?), then you can just pay them, sort of behind her back? She may be having some mental decline so that paying the bills and worrying about them just isn't something she is capable of, so you taking over might be a relief. If and when she notices or asks about a bill, you just let her know that it got paid (maybe show her the receipt)? Maybe she will be relieved to not have that burden anymore, and that's one less thing for the two of you to fuss over??
Her brain just has lost its ability to understand the impact of what she is or is not doing. And it will probably get worse for her and you.
If you can, I woud suggest that you take charge of of reding and planning on how to pay her bills. Develope a plan and try writing the checks and have her sign them.
You may eventually have to do the same thing with her shopping, dressing and bathing.
My experience with the TV and sitting was that she is engrossed with the animation of the TV. Everything else is sitting still except the TV.
If she is still capable of signing a POA for fianancial and medical, get it now. After she reaches a certain point you may have to take over everything for her.
And when concidering the POA be sure to visit her bank and find out just what they may require. some will not accept a POA unless it is on their forms and conditions.
Start looking into social security about being designated payee or whatever they call it.
Just remember that there is help and information available here whenever you may need it. Even if it just to blow off steam.
I would suggest that you begin now to plan for the future. Just about anything you can think of may happen.
This will include planning time for yourself. so start looking into companion care for her so you can take a break for yourself.
Finally we could tailor our responses if you could provide more information about what has been diagnosed with? What are her needs and how do you handle them?
Have you inquired about how to help her without injuring yourself?
There is just so much to learn and here is the best starting point.
Good luck and keep us up to date.
It’s like she automatically gets lazy as soon as I show up and she expects me to do everything but when I am not around, she can handle things with ease. It can be very frustrating.
He tried to cooperate, but he could not. I saw he was trying, sitting down facing me. I was frustrated. The information we needed was to help him. After 1/2 hour, I had to make the decision alone, without the information. It was after so much misinformation, and going down a rabbit hole of false directions.
1) Change your expectations.
Of your mother, and of yourself.
2) If you have to be someone's caregiver, expecting to do it in a professional way without getting upset at times is just not possible because you are human, and you are family. Venting your frustrations here and finding others who are going through the same will help you over time.
After our conversation last night, we both were in the kitchen, nibbling on some parsley. Do not eat too much (due to vitamin K issues), but it helps with blood pressure. Imo.
Do you turn off the t.v. first, get Mom's attention?
Bring her a glass of water, a cup of coffee, or juice?
Is there a time of day she is more alert?
She is a young age to be having these symptoms.
Will physical therapy help for her shoulder?
Is she in a lot of pain?
I have a family member who will default to this whenever she feels pressured or backed into a corner; it can be a way to buy time or a way to disagree without actually coming out and saying so, a way to deflect confrontation.
If you think your mother isn't dealing with her bills competently then rather than trying to force her to do so you can either shrug your shoulders - que sera - or you can step in and take over. "Mom, is it OK if I contact the power company about this bill? I'll need you to sign this form giving me permission if it is" (as you hand her the pen....).
I burned out and I don’t even think I recognized it completely or even saw it coming. I kept thinking that I could handle everything.
It wasn’t until I was away from caregiving that I saw the true destruction that it caused in my life.
I am relieved it’s over and working with a therapist to settle things in my head and heart.
of the kids wants to go see a movie, or I just drive down the backroads and pull over for a good cry. Prayers for you...even the best relationships are hard to keep together, forever.
So glad that you do get out and get some relief.
Short answer is that you are perfectly normal! Completely normal reaction to become annoyed.
I hope things get better for you in the future. Take care.
Your mother is getting on your nerves. It is not her fault, but... unless you're holding yourself to extraordinarily high moral standards, it's not your fault either. It's all part of the fun of acclimatisation and adjustment.
I hope you will get through this phase a LOT quicker than I did. Oh my goodness, if I knew the answer to the question of how not to be annoyed with something that just is incredibly annoying, even when you are rationally aware of all the reasons and trying your hardest to be sweet-tempered and make allowances, I would bottle it and make millions.
I used to try to listen to myself, and think how I would react if somebody *else* spoke to my mother in the way I did (I'd have ripped their heads off!); and that mental trick sent me out to the utility room for a few deep breaths sometimes.
You can only reflect, forgive yourself, and keep trying. You will get better at it; and - sorry about this - bigger and more important problems will eventually overtake the petty bugbears that do so get under one's skin at this stage.
As far as her bills, I came up with an effective plan. Take one of her credit cards, hopefully with a high credit line. Call as many "billers" and have them link her bills to the credit card. That way you pay one bill a month, the credit card. This will free up a lot of time and worries for you, and if things do progress in dementia, you will have a new world to deal with and need all the time you can muster.
My parents are significantly older however I understand the frustration. It seems strange to be taking care of them as if they are children. Whenever I find myself getting frustrated, I think of my earlier years that the parents made happy. Like birthday parties, vacations, scouts, Christmas, Easter. You did the right thing to reach out to this forum.
In my opinion it is a bad idea to take on the responsibility of caregiving without the authority. Take her to an elder attorney in order to get her important paperwork together ASAP i.e. durable power of attorney, living will, etc. so that you can get her budget together and manage her IADLs (instrumental activities of daily living). If she refuses, step away because things are only going to get more messy/complicated/frustrating.
The fact your mother no longer is concerned about day-to-day expenses is frustrating to you and you don't know how to handle it.
Take Ten for yourself and breathe deeply. You can talk to your doctor as they have medicine which will help your stress. Personally, I didn't want to be on any drugs - so I listened to a holistic friend and started Ashwagandha and never looked back.
If you belong to any church or temple - talk with the preacher as they can help you to see the broader picture. I went directly to God myself and prayed daily and constantly for patience and guidance. Reach out to find comfort for yourself.
But there's nothing wrong with you. You are a daughter being put into a parent position and it's scary.
Oh how I can relate to this! Mom called once to ask me to cancel her card, as she couldn't find it. They were willing to do that, but would not issue another unless I called from her phone and let them ask her. Hearing issues made that fun! I was at least 3 feet away and could hear everything the woman said/asked. Mom's standard answer was 'I can't understand you.', not I can't hear you. I kept telling mom she just wants you to say it is okay for me to talk to them. When she finally understood that, she loudly said 'Oh they're assholes!' She didn't have the phone at her head, but I know the woman could hear that. I did apologize and at the end of the discussion when asked if anything else, I said be sure your supervisor knows how understanding and gracious you were! Problem with them is my access, despite POA, was extremely limited. The next time she called about "losing" the card, I waited, because when there to request a new card the first time, she had the old card in her hand! After a week or so, during a call, I had her check her purse. Sure enough, it was in there, just not tucked into the wallet where it should be!
Even more fun with SS. She had it going to a different bank, closer for her to access, but with no longer driving and me taking over, I wanted it all in one place (plus none of us were on that account - used POA later to close it/move the funds.) She has to okay changing the SS direct deposit. Same deal, but every time I repeated what the woman asked, she reduced her volume, which didn't help mom with her hearing issue! Finally she had me take the phone and rudely told me I would have to go to an office and hung up. I think she believed I was trying to scam mom, because mom would only say 'I can't understand you', not I can't hear you. I was able to change the direct deposit through the credit union (they have methods/forms and I used the POA to make request.) After we moved her, I could get her statements/paperwork from her mailbox, but couldn't change the address (federal items don't forward and don't accept POAs.) When we decided to sell the condo, I had to set up as rep payee - required to go to SS, didn't need mom with me and was approved. The worst part was getting the special account set up. Technically anyone managing a LOs SS should do this. I was just letting it go to her account and paid bills from there, but SS doesn't approve of us "managing" anyone's SS this way. In our case, I had to make the change because I would need all the paperwork, W2, etc. sent to me.
Sounds like it's time to manage mom's financial affairs. I hope mom already has a will and POA. If not, get her to a lawyer and have those drawn up while she is still lucid enough to give you permission to handle her finances and medical needs, Gather up all the bills and info on all the places mom deals with financially. Create a chart so you know where the money goes, how much and when. Also gather up all her medical information: medical history, surgical history, allergies, current medications, DNR and/or living will. Keep everything in a folder in an easy to access place so you have it on hand for any situation that comes up.
I have POA for my mom's medical affairs, 1 sister has POA for mom's financial affairs. Youngest sister is executor on mom's will.