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Last night I was relaxed and unwinding in my living room with my mom and the doorbell rings and knocks loudly, it's mom's friend calling out her name to answer the door! I know she was fibbing when she asked her, "Did you call me? My phone AND my cell phone are both not working and I just wanted to let you know." I think that was an excuse to pop in and stop by unannounced. She was here nearly 2 hours. I intervened by pretending mom had an important phone call to take. I think her friend is lonely and it has become a habit to just pop over at any time. How to handle this?

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Just ask her nicely to call first before dropping by, and tell her that you don't have visitors after a certain time. No need to be nasty -- she probably IS lonely.

Once upon a time, people used to drop in on each other all the time.
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aging44 Oct 2023
Thanks. This woman is actually a younger senior in her early 60's. (my mother is 79) We know her for many years. This behavior just came about from her and it seems now she's having some mental issues. Shes become clingy. She is my moms only friend/companion. I told my mom get the door because i was indecent. My mother is unbothered by the suprise knocks at the door. She is not the type to send someone away..she'll just usher them right in. I think next time I will just pop my head out the door with my phone on my ear and politely tell her I'm on the phone and mom is in her bed cause its cold and lying down or something. Or better yet Ill turn up the tv or radio and let her think we didnt hear the doorbell? :/
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When I was watching my mom I was always hoping that somebody would stop by, just to break up the monotony.
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You do not let her in the door.
You stand at the door and you say "No, Mom did not call you". "Mom and I are relaxing now and don't wish to have company".

Honesty is ALWAYS best.
Honesty is always EASY.

If this occurs as many as three times, or if Mom says that this is occurring more than she would like then you will have to give your phone number to this person and request a call to you before visiting, and that if she cannot reach you and is truly concerned she should call the local police for a wellness check. As you can imagine, more than a few calls would result in her being stopped by the police themselves.

You can also try hanging a sign on the door: "We are relaxing. NO VISITORS at this time, please." You can put a notepad and pencil there with a little box to leave a message.
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There were times I should have been firm. One of those was a married couple who came and brought their seeing eye dog. They stayed for four hours to visit a LO shortly after LO's surgery. They seemed to have no idea that I was exhausted and we desperately needed rest. I was honestly so tired I wasn't thinking straight, but afterward, I realized I should have stopped refilling their iced tea glasses and told them that we'd been up all night with pain issues and needed to rest now.

We don't want to be rude, but people who have never had a caregiving issue don't get it. I concluded that asking them to leave isn't being rude at all - it's self-preservation and education of the visitors.

Long ago it was people who wanted stop by and "see the new baby." Then they'd stay for two hours. That's very hard on a new mom.
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LilyLavalle Oct 2023
My mom, who is bedridden, feels she has to entertain guests. Not only does that mean her caregivers are helping, but also that mom will skip meals and worse, hold it (not use the bathroom) until people leave! I told her that her true friends should be here to help if anything, and others should at least be able to handle being asked to step out of the room for a few minutes. She’ll even do this when hospice people are there!

it’s starting to make sense. She has no boundaries, so of course she doesn’t expect ME to have boundaries around my time and life.
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Before you turn the lady off, find out whether your mother values the friendship. If she does, you might think again about cutting it down. Being too blunt may mean it stops dead. The lady may indeed be lonely, and your mother may also find herself feeling lonely in the future.

There may be other options, like for the lady to call in advance, requests for visits only in certain hours, a separate place for visits (eg in the kitchen). Or having a dressing gown to grab if there is an unexpected ring at the door.
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Aging, try to see if you could handle this differently. It may be difficult in the geography or your house, but try to set up a corner where M could talk to a visitor, without taking over the kitchen. You shouldn’t be confined to your bedroom just because someone is talking to M.

Don’t get annoyed because someone says that they don’t mind if the place is in a mess. That’s exactly what I would say. A visitor can’t expect ‘showplace’, whether or not they call first. And you can say “I going to have to ask you to leave in a few minutes, because we need to blah blah blah’, without it being said in (suppressed) anger. There are far more regrets on this site that people DON’T visit, than that visits annoy the carer. See if you can look at it all differently.
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Well, it looks like the woman could read between the lines. Usually this type of person you need to be more direct with then hollering up the hall.

Yes, people used to just stop in, but that does not happen now.
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aging44 Nov 2023
I did tell her her directly, i used psychology by pointing out that the kitchen was in disarray and I had wished she'd call first. When I walked away she kept blurbing how it doesnt bother her if the house is in disorder so out of frustration I had to make it clear again, that's all. Bottom line, she's become a pest and this is not normal. If she'd just call first there wouldn't be any issue.
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You are right, the friend is probably lonely. How is your Mom taking it? Is your Mom happy to see that friend or is that friend wearing out her welcome?

If your Mom is happy to see the friend, then let it continue to happen and you need to be able to find another activity that you can do by yourself.

If your Mom is not happy to see the friend, then get up the guts to discuss some parameters of when she can visit. Your Mom should deliver the guidelines to her friend.
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aging44 Nov 2023
Yes, my mom likes her company but realizes that she has become a nudge and it is upsetting the both of us. She is younger than mom and has no social life..she is unstable mentally, talks mostly negative which would agitate anyone and that is not good for my mom or I. This too is a factor in why I don't like her or want her around my mother. She's toxic. Also i hadnt mentioned that she once brought up an idea to my mom of moving in with us so she could be of help to me with caring for her. My sister warned me that that is a red flag.
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This is still difficult to relate to. “My mom likes her company” and “we know her for many years”. BUT “she’s become clingy”, “she is unstable mentally, talks mostly negative” and “she’s toxic”.

This seems to be the first visit in three weeks, since your first post about it. That is hardly being clingy, an imposition, or showing evidence of mental instability. You say “it is upsetting the both of us”, but I wonder if M is upset at your reaction, rather than at the visits? Who else visits your mother? Surely it’s not just you and her all the time?
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aging44 Nov 2023
Correction..she WAS popping up in between my first post and my update. I'm not going to document each time. For example, once was to tell us the elevator is out order which was unnecessary because a notice was placed on the elevator door..she sat here half the day. She left and came back again later that night, walked up several flights to tell us it's still not working
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Stick your head out window & tell her she’s sleeping now. You’ll give her the message. Say, “Have a good evening!” Hugs 🤗
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aging44 Nov 2023
❤️
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