Last night I was relaxed and unwinding in my living room with my mom and the doorbell rings and knocks loudly, it's mom's friend calling out her name to answer the door! I know she was fibbing when she asked her, "Did you call me? My phone AND my cell phone are both not working and I just wanted to let you know." I think that was an excuse to pop in and stop by unannounced. She was here nearly 2 hours. I intervened by pretending mom had an important phone call to take. I think her friend is lonely and it has become a habit to just pop over at any time. How to handle this?
Once upon a time, people used to drop in on each other all the time.
You stand at the door and you say "No, Mom did not call you". "Mom and I are relaxing now and don't wish to have company".
Honesty is ALWAYS best.
Honesty is always EASY.
If this occurs as many as three times, or if Mom says that this is occurring more than she would like then you will have to give your phone number to this person and request a call to you before visiting, and that if she cannot reach you and is truly concerned she should call the local police for a wellness check. As you can imagine, more than a few calls would result in her being stopped by the police themselves.
You can also try hanging a sign on the door: "We are relaxing. NO VISITORS at this time, please." You can put a notepad and pencil there with a little box to leave a message.
We don't want to be rude, but people who have never had a caregiving issue don't get it. I concluded that asking them to leave isn't being rude at all - it's self-preservation and education of the visitors.
Long ago it was people who wanted stop by and "see the new baby." Then they'd stay for two hours. That's very hard on a new mom.
it’s starting to make sense. She has no boundaries, so of course she doesn’t expect ME to have boundaries around my time and life.
There may be other options, like for the lady to call in advance, requests for visits only in certain hours, a separate place for visits (eg in the kitchen). Or having a dressing gown to grab if there is an unexpected ring at the door.
Don’t get annoyed because someone says that they don’t mind if the place is in a mess. That’s exactly what I would say. A visitor can’t expect ‘showplace’, whether or not they call first. And you can say “I going to have to ask you to leave in a few minutes, because we need to blah blah blah’, without it being said in (suppressed) anger. There are far more regrets on this site that people DON’T visit, than that visits annoy the carer. See if you can look at it all differently.
Yes, people used to just stop in, but that does not happen now.
If your Mom is happy to see the friend, then let it continue to happen and you need to be able to find another activity that you can do by yourself.
If your Mom is not happy to see the friend, then get up the guts to discuss some parameters of when she can visit. Your Mom should deliver the guidelines to her friend.
This seems to be the first visit in three weeks, since your first post about it. That is hardly being clingy, an imposition, or showing evidence of mental instability. You say “it is upsetting the both of us”, but I wonder if M is upset at your reaction, rather than at the visits? Who else visits your mother? Surely it’s not just you and her all the time?