The most embarrassing question ever! My mom has dementia & we recently moved her & Dad to an independent senior living for extra care & family support a month ago. She has been asking & wanting sexual intimacy with my 82-yr-old Dad. (They haven’t done that in at least 20 yrs according to Dad) He is organically impotent & frustrated my mom is suddenly having desire for him! Apparently they tried & she feels rejected & upset with him because he couldn’t perform. They have been married for 59 yrs… I was thrown off that he even shared this private info with me & told him to try EXTRA kisses, holding hands, & compliments throughout the day. His response was “I think that might get me into more trouble!” Lol! Any suggestions for my Dad? Appreciate the feedback to my awkward question!
No old woman who's been married for 59 years and very likely has dementia, needs to get a vibrator or have a prostitute hired for her. No 82-year-old man should have a 'strap-on' suggested to him by his daughter. Or anyone else for that matter.
The people on this thread who have made such suggestions should seriously think before they comment.
This lady hasn’t had sex in two decades. Given natural atrophy, it’s possible she can’t have POV for physical reasons. Getting a male stranger to come in for that, no way.
She may also be thinking she is a 20 year old newly wed in her dementia?
Is his physical attention for hugging and kissing helping her feel security or is it only leading her mind to wanting sex? If she needs close reassurance with hand holding and hugging and he is willing, then it is ok. If it frustrates her to just want sex, then discuss with the dr some options for her libedo.
After Dh had a terrible motorcycle wreck and then a couple years later 2 massive heart attacks, he totally lost interest in sex.
It makes me feel awful and lonely, as he won't even touch me. But I believe he's impotent and embarrassed about it.
Had a very low sex drive since about 1 year into marriage. We've been celibate for 9 long years. If I try to bring it up, he leaves the room. Or gets mad. Either way, it keeps me feeling alone and lonely. It's amazing we had 5 kids as we only had sex once or twice a month.
“Wearing…strap-on harnesses can allow folks with penises who have erectile dysfunction or who have had their prostates removed to have sex with and please their partner in the way they are used to,” explains sex and relationships educator Sarah Sloane…”
Whole article from Healthline:
https://www.healthline.com/health/health-sex/finding-harness-dildo-pegging
It is just part of the disease as inhibitions are destroyed, and along with it went modesty, and any sense of inappropriate sexual behavior. I caught him trying to fondle cute young nurses attending to him, and when I challenged him he just grinned; he thought he was cute. All of this from a man who had always been a perfect gentleman, and who never even cursed, and would leave the room if something too racy occurred on TV or in a conversation. It broke my heart, but you just know it it the disease, and try to show affection other ways. Lots of hugs, lots of I love yous and reassurances .
Blessings to the husband; he deserves his privacy, and should just gently reassure her he loves her and try to divert her attention. No great answers like with so many behaviors care takers deal with.
I have been married to my husband for over 56 years. We enjoyed an active and satisfying physical relationship for 55 of those years. When my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and his constant sexual advances made me ill, I had to distance myself from him physically for me to survive and to continue caring for him. Moving to a separate bedroom from my husband has enabled me to function as a caregiver to my husband.
When I can no longer care for my husband, I am moving him to a Memory Care facility. If he finds a consenting female resident in Memory Care and she and he mutually "comfort" each other, I will be thrilled. But as long as I am cognitively competent, it isn't going to be me.
If someone just has no desire for intimacy with a person with a broken brain, they should have the right to say no. Brain disorder driven sex drive is a real turn off. If it was reversed, and it was a man wanting it against the woman's wishes, nobody would be trying to force this on her.
This is a very tough situation for both your mom and dad. I understand your dad’s feelings.
Or maybe start with hand/forearm massage, or foot soak and lotion to feet.
Someone with dementia is touched by care staff to provide care, but the focus is cleanliness and not comfort. Good for you for being able to hear your dad's distress and reach out for suggestions on how to manage this rarely mentioned topic.
Hoping this stage passes quickly.....
We're caregivers, who are so often told, "Oh, you need more help, blah, blah, blah..." annnddd.....ya know if even a smidgen of this were followed through and we got the help we so very, very desperatly need, it would be amazing. So, here we are, and I will try to help as best I can, cause it certainly gets crazy in the wilderness of caregiving.
I think that the important aspect is to continue to hug and kiss the spouse and make them feel loved but their inhibitions are gone. They are sick. It would be inappropriate to pursue this aspect of the relationship.
Your dad sounds like a sweety and your mom a horny old lady, lol Kinda like me and my Mike. I wanted him but because of a glandular problem, there was nothing we could do so we did alot of cuddling watching TV and holding hands and I was quite happy with that. Your mom probably will respond well to that and maybe flowers, perfume or candy the odd time? It never hurts. lmao.
My two cents.
Temper
If your dad can no longer perform sexually, I think that he(regardless of moms dementia)should at least try and pleasure her best he can. There's a lot he can be doing without the actual act of intercourse you know. Or does he just not want to as if he can't be pleasured, he doesn't want her to be either?
I understand that most children do not want to know or even think about their parents having sex(or as I like to call it making love)but the romantic in me likes to think that most if not all still do regardless of age.
I am 62 years old and was not able to make love to my husband for 24 1/2 years of our 26 year marriage due to him having a massive stroke. And now that he's gone I look forward to(in a loving relationship)making love for many years to come, and if I'm lucky until I die.
So it's not just people with dementia that enjoy sexual pleasure, but it's us every day Joes(and Josephine's)as well.
I'm hoping your parents can get things figured out, and just enjoy each other best they can.
The dad already is upset about this new fixation by his wife. If it was as easy as him pleasuring her only i am sure he would have taken care of it.
Why is this cool with everyone when a demented person wants unlimited sex but their hallucinations, obsessions, etc are all not cute and fun?
This is not a gift from god it is a curse of a broken brain in this woman's case. So sad that me and Tchamp and a few others can see this.
What makes this not "normal human sex" if 2 humans are having sex? If one has dementia? You seem to classify dementia patients as some sort of sub human species, based on your heartless comments plastered all over this forum.
Sherry, are you planning to forgive yet another masterpiece of a comment? 🤐
I’m startled by the references to lubrication. Dryness is absolutely common as you age, and lubricants are in every supermarket (top shelf next to the condoms) and chemist. I’ve needed them since the menopause! I’d be genuinely surprised if any of us older posters in a functioning relationship DON’T need them.
As for the lubrication I was pointing out that it probably would not occur to a woman with dementia to use a lube before hand. At that stage they have deteriorated to an almost animal like state where they just obey their urges without considering all the mechanics.
This is more proof to me that human beings are programmed creations at the mercy of their brains defective or not.
I don't get the whole rah rah mentality of sex when a person is 80 plus years old. Why the obsession with getting off at that advanced age? As if getting off is some kind of accomplishment.
And as to the dryness question about mom. She has dementia so it's not like lubrication of that area has probably crossed her mind.
Maybe it's time to separate mom and dad from each other in different living arrangements.
It's very common for folks, male & female both, to have a heightened sex drive when dementia comes into the picture. There's nothing 'abnormal' about it except if it becomes an obsession with mom and/or she's demanding dad 'perform'; then you have a problem. If that scenario happens, dad needs to contact mom's neurologist and let him know mom is exhibiting ISB or Inappropriate Sexual Behavior; meds can be prescribed to calm her down a bit. If a man were acting aggressive towards his wife, such a thing would be unacceptable; same goes if a wife is acting aggressive towards her husband. Same rules apply. Even if that's not the scenario now, it COULD be down the road, and it's something dad should be aware of. Ariadnee gave you a good link to the topic in your first response.
Best of luck!