How do you handle a parent's terminal cancer diagnosis?

Her response is very typical of anyone given a "terminally ill" diagnosis. Rather like grief one goes through stages of anger, and fear before coming to acceptance and peace. You can only support her at this time, listen and try to re-assure her in ways you know have worked in the past, I don't think you can keep the mood positive only let her know she is loved and you will be with her. Does she want the drug therapy or is it actually that that is frightening her, the thought of side effects and feeling awful - would she prefer to take no further treatment and have a better quality of life for the time she has - what is causing her fear, fear of dying or fear of the process before hand? Get her to explain to you what she is afraid of (you may have to suggest possible things that may be causing her fear), perhaps hospice or a chaplain would be appreciated by her, When she gets to a stage of acceptance then you can talk about it and you have to accept her decisions even if you don't like them and work with her to plan how she wants to live her life for the time left to her. AT the moment it sounds as though you are trying your very best to do what you feel is best for her, but just maybe she needs to have her own needs teased out to help you both.

Dearest Clarlady: I am so very sorry that your mother's cancer has returned. I recall your posts from the past. Even if she is not religious, prayer may be some measure of comfort to her.

You wrote on your profile: "I am caring for my mother Muriel, living at home with alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, cancer, and hearing loss." You also wrote: "I am getting very stressed out in caring for my 84 year old BP/NP mother. I have an anxiety disorder myself, but cannot tell my mother this. I do have a therapist, but I need more help with setting boundaries and not letting her run my life."

That's quite a lot with which you are dealing!

I for one cannot understand why anyone would want to prolong the life of someone with Alzheimer's dementia whose already 84 years old.

Palliative care nurses are some of the most compassionate people on the planet. Perhaps your mother is afraid of a painful death and a consult with palliative care is in order.

You cannot "keep the mood positive" because that would be disingenuous and dismissive of her very real fears. It's also a huge burden to put on yourself when your mother is BP/NP.

The posts here are filled with great advice. I would not encourage her to get treatment if she decides to stop. The pain you go through for just a few months isn't worth it to me. But, it is her decision. Let her cry, Follow a lot of the advice you have received here.

I agree with others, stop trying to be positive, there is no point. Cry with her if you want to. She is not going to live. If she has a religious belief, that can be a comfort. I have held the hand of my father, mother, 2 aunts, a sister-in-law, and several close friends when they died. I like to think of it as passing from this life to the next.

My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer after experiencing no symptoms other than his abdomen filling with fluid which he thought was just from not exercising. He died six weeks later.

My dad had had cancer twice before-- at age 19, age 65, then his final time at 88. None were related to each other. When he was given his diagnosis, he turned to me, incredulous, and said, "This is the first time anyone ever said I could die of cancer." It literally had never occurred to him that it could be a death sentence.

He immediately got to work, and we got the rest of his affairs in order. Then he turned to two tasks --completing his autobiography (really a bunch of random memories he wrote down, not an edited book), and he started contacting friends and family to let them know how much he loved and appreciated them.

That was my dad, though. He just decided what he felt was important, and he took care of it. His doctor told him he could have months or up to a year, but privately the doctor told me it was likely a month or two. My dad wasn't going to waste precious time mourning what he wouldn't have. He said his only regret was not being able to see my son get married.

Everyone handles this differently, and I'd say your mom is going through the standard stages of grief. She'll probably get to a better place in her head, but you might gently tell her that time is fleeting for any of us, and if there's anything she wants to do or say to people, now is the time. Ultimately, how she spends her remaining days is her choice, and it's what you'll have to accept.

My dad did ask me one night what happens as someone dies, because he'd never been with someone at that time. I had, so I was able to tell him that he'd go to sleep before he actually dies and wouldn't know. Death is a slow process, with the heart beating more slowly, the breathing also slowing, and eventually they just stop. It brought him comfort to know that, so perhaps be ready with some of that information if your mom asks.

Well, we are all terminal. None of us are getting out of here alive.
But just because she has been TOLD that she is terminal, does not mean that she may not outlive others who have not been given such a diagnosis.
One doctor told my friend that predicting how long a person has to live is the Height of medical arrogance!

NO ONE knows that timetable. People beat the odds all the time.
There is a book called, "Close to the Bone", about facing life threatening illness.
It's written by Jean Shinoda Bolen, a Jungian analyst, and it gives beautiful case studies of people with serious diagnosis.
Essentially, it addresses the terror that a person initially experiences and talks about how they might understand and take a different view of the situation and their own feelings.
When I had to face chemotherapy, I was terrified.
A friend gave me the book and the first few pages turned my terror into resolve and gave me an understanding of what I felt and why.
The book said, when you are faced with a situation that you feel you simply CANNOT endure, and you have no choice, your Ego has come to the limits of its ability to guide you. (That's the part that's terrified).
You now have to drop down into Spirit, a wiser and steady part of yourself, and trust THAT part to take over guiding you.
You will make a connection with a very deep part of yourself, where you will meet and claim whole parts of yourself that you never knew existed. And you will emerge from this process more whole than you've ever been in your life.
This book changed the whole complexion of what I was about to embark on. I realized that I was going on a journey with my own Spirit and I was going to gain, not lose, in this process.

It may sound glib to say that this changed terror into excitement, but that is truly what happened.
I went , in a matter of a few minutes, from terror to a profound send of anticipation and confidence that this was going to be OK. Better than OK.
I hope this helps you both.

My sister had cancer and came to live with me her last 3 months.
We prayed every day for her Healing. It seemed to help her s lot just getting closer to God by reading, listening to Cd's and music.

See if there is anyone who could come to your home to talk to her. I doubt they will but you can ask. In the meantime, steer away from conversations about what is happening to her but if she insists, just let her talk and listen and love her. She is scared and knows no one has the answers but your presence at this time will help to comfort her.

Dr. Kubler-Ross outlined stages of loss. These may be helpful for you.
Stage 1 - Denial - can't believe reality
Stage 2 - Anger - frustrated and outbursts about situation
Stage 3 - Bargaining - doing anything in hope of different outcomes
Stage 4 - Depression - sadness and mourning loss
Stage 5 - Acceptance - finding peace with situation

Trying to keep your mom or yourself positive all the time may not be helpful. Ask your mom how she feels. Allow her to "feel her feelings" and let her be able to share those without judgment or trying to "fix" them. Gather family and friends who can be those good listeners and strong shoulders for you and for her.

Since you are concerned that your mother may be running out of time, consider engaging in activities that create good memories. Do things together that you both enjoy. I always am thinking about how can I engage all my senses: touch, smell, sight, hearing, and taste in activities that I can enjoy with another.

My husband likes dancing while my mom prefers walks along the beach or in the woods. My husband prefers spicy flavors while my mom prefers bland food. My mom loves lilies while I prefer roses and carnations. My husband prefers disco music while I prefer contemporary Christian artists and my mom loves the old hymns. My mom and I play Solitaire and Bananagrams together. My sister does crossword puzzles with my mom. Hopefully, this will spark some ideas.

Does she have a religious belief or preference? If she doesn’t, maybe she would be open to it now. A minister can make home visits that could help to give her more peace, along with attending services if she can. If she does not want that then you’ll need to find other comforts. Physical comforts seem frivolous but they do help-favorite comforting foods (milkshakes, ice cream cones, reames noodles chicken soup, warm breads etc), extremely soft blankets & sheets (chenille, fake fur), cozy comfy clothes (fleece sweatshirts, thick cushiony socks) & pj’s (Walmart sells some super soft ones), and regularly scheduled pain relievers. Books to read on contentment with the life lead, how to come to terms & that we may be reunited with loved ones (near death experience books are good for this. People relay episodes where they died but were brought back & what happened during that time). Let her talk as much as she wants. I hope this helps. Having you there is probably the biggest reassurance of all. It won’t be easy but it’s the right thing to do. Bless you.

This is a difficult subject, and question to answer, b/c for those of us who've experienced the frightening cancer journey, it raises unpleasant memories, and also, for someone like you, it's unpleasant to share and perhaps raise additional anxieties.

 We walked that difficult journey with my mother and my sister, both diagnosed in the same year although my sister was diagnosed first.    And her precious and loveable Chow Chow also was diagnosed with stomach cancer during that period.  There's so much that could be written,  but I'd like to share just some experiences.

1.   Rally your friends; my sister's and parent's friends helped in whatever way they could.  One friend visited, then would take out the garbage, and would also purchase items my sister needed.    Sometimes they took my sister to chemo treatments.   My parent's friends helped in similar ways.  

We had decided that at Mom's age we wouldn't want her to go through chemo, so she just took some anticancer meds.   That is NOT a criticism of either you or your mother though.  Every situation is different.  My mother was already tiring of age related medical conditions, and we felt that adding chemo would be too challenging.

2.   Focus on the bonds you've created over the years and let your diagnosed ones know how much they've contributed to your life, and how much you value them.    I don't have proof or citations, but I think end of life produces reflection and questions on self validations.   Help them realize they are good, worthy people, who've helped others and their families, and will be remembered for those kind hearted actions.

3.   Play their favorite music, especially when they become restless and can't sleep.   One particular night both my sister and I just couldn't relax, so we put on a CD of waves gently lapping on shore.   It was very soothing, and almost hypnotical in the   rhythm of the waves.

4.   Consider exploring Gilda's Club, even if you don't join and participate.    I didn't discover its value until after both my mother and sister were gone, and I wish I had learned more about it earlier.   It is a gut wrenching experience to go to specific meetings though, such as those battling different types of cancer,  as everyone there has some relation to cancer.   But it's also supportive, in many ways more than friends b/c many of the Gilda's Club members have cancer, while friends, family and neighbors don't necessarily have that horrible experience.

5.    Pay special attention to what someone can or can't eat.   My sister at one point only wanted good juices; she just didn't have the appetite for anything else.   That was a challenge as she was losing weight and strength.  It was a challenge I never could conquer.

6.   Make arrangements for everything that needs to be done, including trips to the infusion center, someone to stay afterward, especially during the initial chemo treatments, as well as radiation.   Even if you're not in a cold weather area, carry extra survival gear, especially blankets, water, mittens, scarves, and of course a charged cell phone.

One frightening experience was when my sister had a "bacterial shower" as it was known then.   Apparently even a tiny amount of bacteria can accidentally enter the body in the post chemo flush, and cause rapid reactions of violent shaking and decreased body temperature.   That happened once; fortunately my sister was a nurse and recognized it, so I rushed her back to the infusion center and she was treated, wrapped up, and we stayed then till the reaction stopped.

Post chemo is not only vulnerable to physical weakness, but it's also a very lonely time, and just having a family member or good friend there, w/o conversation, can be comforting.

7.   Consider limited visitation and interaction; it's difficult to try to engage in a conversation when someone is exhausted and depressed.  

Overall, I think just being there is comforting.

Hello. My Mother passed away in 2017 from breast cancer. She was first diagnosed in 1989. She endured chemo and seemingly won the battle, until 2017 when she took a fall that broke her shoulder. For some reason her shoulder would not heal. They did tests and found that the breast cancer had reemerged from its long slumber and was alive and thriving in her bones. She did not want to endure the rigors of chemo again so she accepted her fate with quiet dignity.
After her passing I asked my Dad if she had been afraid of death. He told me that she rarely talked about it but, that on one occasion towards the end of her journey she approached my Dad and starting sobbing, she told him she was very afraid. He told me that he went to her and held her. He told her not to worry and that it will be ok and when the time comes she will be fine and to not be afraid.
When he conveyed this to me I instantly felt a peaceful calm come over me and I imagine that is how he made my Mom feel too.
He acknowledged the inevitable and did not skirt the issue. He tackled it head on and kicked deaths ass!

The only answer is, I don't know why it happened to you. But, we're going to do treatments, pray, and hope you get well. It is quite difficult for the cancer patient to deal with the thoughts that run rampant in your brain. When she is actively working with treatments and thoughts of getting better, perhaps that will outweigh the dread she feels right now.

There's rarely an answer to "Why me? ," but in the scheme of things, it's really " Why not me? ". Bad and random things can happen to anyone, and we are all "anyone's."

Maybe you could contact a palliative care home in your area that would have a counselor that you could talk to and get some advice for what to say , do or answer to your mom, but also for you. Not to move her there if it is not in your plans, but for you to have someone to talk to about your mom. They may also be able to refer you to other associations that would have resources to guide you.

Yesterday we had a string about "anticipatory grief" felt by the caregiver rather than the patient. In this string, the feelings of the patient herself is the subject of discussion--and just as the consensus was that anticipatory grief in the caregiver is valid and needs no apology or excuse, the same is true from the patient's perspective. The frustrations, fears and mental anguish of a terminally-ill patient are completely valid and should be accepted as such. We can sometimes find a way to shine a ray of positive light on it, but in truth we must understand that there is no way the "elephant in the room" can be persuaded to leave.

The moment one is born, it is never too early to die...but an evitability. She will have to sort this through herself and it is okay to express negative thoughts. Just let them talk and *be a good listener.* It is very difficult to face one's own mortality, but will happen. We all only dance for a short time on earth. If she is religious that may help. But not a prerequisite. My father was never religious and had to face dying of cancer at age 68, and he did very admirably.

Consider talking to her doctor about getting her on hospice and
(1) Advanced directives
(2) Will
(3) POA
(4) Estate planning
(5) Prepaid funeral or cremation

If you don't do these things trust me it will be a living nightmare because of the legal quagmire of death called probate. Even things you don't think about like home-owner's insurance if it is in her name will have to be converted to the current owner's name. If you do not have a prepaid cremation or funeral those funeral homes will gouge you. You MUST get these done--if you have not done so already--while she is "with it" to sign papers. Or it will involve attorney's and courts.

Death is a very expensive thing.

I agree with Lealonnie's answer which was stated beautifully. I don't know what your religious affiliation is, but people who believe that Jesus came to earth, died, and rose again so that we could be saved, have more peace. There IS life after death and we can experience a wonderful life with Jesus if we just believe his Word!

I'm with the others in saying there is no need to keep "the mood positive." She deserves to be able to share her feelings, even if it makes the rest of the family uncomfortable. Now is the time to leave nothing left unsaid, and probably time to get hospice involved as well. They will have a nurse come once a week to start, along with an aide to bathe her(if needed) a couple times a week. They also have chaplains that can come talk with your mom, and a social worker for the family. Getting hospice involved now, doesn't mean that you mom is dying anytime soon. It just means that you have help in place to assist her and the family, if and when she does. And if the immunotherapy works, and she gets better, hospice can be cancelled at any time.
I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this now. The thought of losing someone you love so, is hard. I know. Just be there for her, and let her know how much you love her and how much you appreciate her as your mom. God bless you.

I would not attempt to "keep the mood positive". As an adult she will know better, and should be allowed to express herself. When she says "Why me" I would respond, "I know, Mom. I ask myself the same thing. Why MY Mom. I am not ready to lose you. I hope your therapy will give us more time together". Mourn this with her. Allow her to be positive, negative, or whatever she wants to be on any given day. Allow her to plan her death, her last days. Ask her to be honest with you, to let you know what you can do for her. Why me? It is just a random shooting match. Think of the carnivals where those little tin ducks go round and round and round and people try to knock them down. It is not fair. She has a right to mourn and cry; is this not worthy of that? I say that both as a 35 year survival of this dreadful disease, and as a nurse. And if anyone starts all that malarky about how "you have to be positive" please stop them. This puts a further burden upon someone who is already a victim and it implies that she is responsible for healing herself, as well.
I sure am sorry. There isn't a person out there with this diagnosis who at some point doesn't want to shriek "WHY ME".

I am not sure it's possible to keep the mood positive, especially considering your mother's dementia and mood/anxiety disorders mentioned in your profile. Maybe her doctor can prescribe Xanax or another calming medication so you can try to help her work on accepting her diagnosis and the fact that her life is finite, as is every one of ours.

Once she calms down a bit, perhaps she has a pastor or minister who she can speak to? Or you can buy a book called Proof of Heaven by Dr Eben Alexander who was a neurosurgeon who had a near death experience. He briefly died and experienced the afterlife and wrote about it in this awe inspiring book which I highly recommend. The best way to accept our eventual death is to take the fear out of it. If we're able to do that, then we find acceptance which comes with the realization that life is eternal. We just transition from one plane of existence to another.

Since you suffer from anxiety issues yourself, I hope you will be able to take care of YOU during this time of trying to help mom. You can't fix this for her....all you can do is try to help her come to terms with her own mortality.

Wishing you good luck and Godspeed, my friend. Sending you a hug and a prayer for peace.

If she has dementia, I can’t think of any way to rationalize with her situation.

I think you may have to ask her medical specialists if a trial of anti anxiety and/or anti depression medications can be tried with her.

Could you introduce a counselor as an “advocate” or “visitor” or “respite companion”?