How do you get your elderly parents to accept free housecleaning services and Meals on Wheels? They think it's charity.

I think I would explain that what he is doing is "providing jobs" in a time when people are having difficulty surviving, often working two jobs because they need to eat and keep a roof over their heads. I think that I would tell him that our government has decided they SAVE money with meals on wheels and keep seniors in their homes. That if people do not make use of this program it will soon disappear and all who are depending upon it will go down with it. If that doesn't work, well, then likely not much will.

Is the reluctance to accept charity a real reason, or do you suspect that it's the intrusion of strangers that puts your father off the idea more?

What I'd suggest, either way, is that one or more of you "children" be present when the cleaner or the MOW driver arrives so that you can make introductions and mediate the first contacts to see that all goes smoothly. Once he knows the people personally he may feel less apprehensive about them. You can but try.

He may also fear the "thin end of the wedge" scenario: that accepting this help is the first admission he can't cope which leads ultimately to their being "put in a home." But the opposite is true: it is by accepting practical support that he and your mother will be best able to stay in their own place.

If he still won't hear of it, what about organising respite care for your mother so that your father gets some real time off rather than an hour or two here and there? Remind him that a significant proportion of caregivers die before the person they look after, and that your mother would be utterly lost without him - he owes it to her to take proper care of himself.

It sounds like you have perhaps already tried this route but I would continue to reinforce the idea that these are things every "retired" worker has earned by paying their taxes. It isn't charity it's like paying into SS so they have that income now or their retirement, like insurance in case you need it and he and your mom need it now so they shouldn't have any hesitation using the services they have been paying for for years. Assure him that if it were charity they wouldn't qualify for these services, people only get the befits they qualify for nothing is "free" so it's not charity. Then you might keep emphasizing how important this is if you all want to be taking the very best care of Mom you can. Dad too but something tells me he will give in more to doing necessary things to take care of mom than he will to take care of him.

I use to deliver Meals On Wheels, the people we delivered to, paid $5.00 per meal. Many also donated money to our local distribution point, perhaps you can suggest this so they won't feel that they are a charity case. I had the same issue with my mother in regard to cleaning, I'd hire, she'd fire them, round n round we went, so I let it be, then she decided she needed someone to clean and she hired them.

Mother DESPERATELY needs housecleaning. She think she is maintaining the 'image' of herself as fairly independent, but in truth, she needs one day a week DEEP CLEANING and probably a quick touch up 3 times a week. Putting yet more towels on a urine soaked recliner does NOT make it 'clean'. Having 4 air spritzers going off all day and night does not make a room 'clean'.

I made the mistake of introducing her to Marie Kondo's 'clutter free' life that I had partially adapted. She thought it was a great plan and I offered to do her place.

EPIC FAIL.

In my haste to finally get my hands on her hoard, I didn't pick up that she was well and truly a hoarder. The first night she went out to the huge trash bin and retrieved everything we'd agreed to throw away. I came the 2nd day and soon found out she'd had a panic attack thinking of her 'treasures' just being tossed. I was unable to retrieve anything from GoodWill and she still mourns it.

It not only ended the 'deep clean' it ended ANY cleaning.

My niece borrowed $1000 from her so she could go on a choir trip. She is 'paying' mother back by cleaning every week. Good thing mother's vision is so bad....niece is kinda odd and a lousy cleaner. She flips a feather duster around the house and shakes some comet in the toilet and flushes it. Done!

This place needs a complete, every drawer, cabinet and shelf overhaul. She keeps getting YB to build her more and more little rolling cabinets for her 'stuff'. I queried her a few months ago as to what was IN one of these and she shouted "DON'T OPEN THAT' just a second too slow. Out tumbles 20 years' worth of TV guides. She would not let me toss ONE.

She won't PAY anyone to clean and she won't take 'charity'. Sometimes she can get my favorite brother to wash the windows, but no actual cleaning has really taken place in 3 years. The place stinks to high heaven--she has a cage of cockatiels that has not been washed in years. Poop piled up to the ceiling of the cage--feathers everywhere. It makes me sick to go in her place, literally.

She did get MOW when she was 100% laid up after a knee replacement. Hated them. Hated letting strangers in the house. Hated paying $5 for 'crap'.

You cannot force people to do the smart or right thing. This becomes more and more apparent as I watch my mother become what she so hated when she was younger: Smelly, dirty and old. We can rectify all that---but obviously she doesn't care anymore. Charity or 'paying' someone--if they don't want your help., you may as well forget about it.

I feel you. My mom same way. I think they don't want to see themselves as that needy, one of " those people"

They get weird. Particularly if depression era generation.

Ok. Mom or dad. You have helped so many others, now they are going to help you.

Most often, they don't GET that you can't do it. It does not get through.

I hope this is helpful. I dont know that it is.

Try to redirect the meaning. It is your turn now, because you did for so many others. I had limited success with that.

My mother cleaned my grandmother's house and did the laundry for years. I took the tack that I was not going to be able to personally help her the same way she had helped Grandma because I had to work a job, but that job did provide enough money to hire someone to do the heavy housecleaning chores that were hardest on her back. I stressed that she needed to take better care of herself if she was going to continue taking care of my father with vascular dementia. I told her how awful I felt when certain chores I "should" be helping her with went undone. I said she might not really need the help now, but that she would eventually and it was better to start now and find someone she really liked. I clearly stated I would feel so much better if she accepted some help. I found with both my parents that stating things would actually help their spouse or me was more effective than saying it was something he/she needed.

Ask him what he is willing to pay and get him to make it as a donation to the senior centre who will be delighted to receive it no doubt. You can negotiate amount with him such that he is paying something but not what a different service would cost. Let him keep his pride and you feel happy that necessary things are getting done, and your parents provided with a decent meal.

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas. Will have a heart to heart with Dad on Sunday. Cross your fingers and pray for me!

When Mom pased few Months back, Dad was Lucky enought to get my Sister to be his POA and his Caregiver. He electd for Meals on Wheels, For He was Eligible, Due to his Emphysema, And with Donna Doing Everything Under the No Fun Sun for Dad, he wants no one else to Intervene..I love Hundreds miles away.
Your parents are Stubborn and being Cheap, Let them Learn the hard way but what you do NOT want, Is Elderly protective Services one day, TO Intervene....

I would sell him on the housekeeping. Meals on Wheels here is only Monday-Friday and only lunch. Then you have 2 choices for main meal. Mom can't eat lettuce salads or hard fruits like apples or pears and that is often the selection. She can't eat corn which is often the selection. I would suggest some form of cook and freeze and then allow the companion to heat up.

Being elderly , but not yet at your parents age , I come at it from a different angle . I am my husband’s caregiver . He has Alzheimer’s and it’s tough to lose your love , your friend , your sounding board etc . I have children and grandchildren who help and are always here for us but I know we will soon need a bit more help ,with housekeeping, as I still love to cook although husbands tastes have changed so I’m adapting. My children feel that we do need more help now and possibly they are right . Thank God tho they don’t have a “let them learn the hard way “ attitude but realize that this is a great adjustment for us . I am blessed that they know me well enough to realize that I need to process these changing circumstances . Being treated as a competent adult goes a long way in helping reach the right decision . As it’s my husband who is the one that doesn’t want cleaning help what we have decided is that instead of the usual birthday , anniversary , mother’s day etc gifts from our family they would gift us with a maid from time to time . In this way he would not be able to refuse the help as he would hurt his beloved children’s feelings .
believe me I know how hard it is to deal with “stubborn “ parents as I too dealt with my own aging parents but taking away our dignity and treating us as children makes it worse for everyone . Do what needs to be done but please do it with kindness , compassion and empathy because one day you will be us .

Been there and my mom didn’t learn until her health was affected. She was in denial about the truth of the situation when my dad’s health was going downhill. She tried to maintain life as usual. But of course, there was nothing usual about their life anymore. When she ended up with pneumonia and a bad back, reality hit. Upon the insistence of me and my sisters, we sent in the cleaning ladies every two weeks and meals on wheels. Although she complained about it, she was relieved to have the help. My dad ended up in a nursing home because my mother just couldn’t care for him at home anymore. We all worked at the time, and I lived 350 miles away, so we couldn’t offer much help other than some common sense and reality checks for my mother.

Her health is what changed the dynamic.

Can you explain that charity is love. Maybe addressing it from the true definition would help him be less defensive of accepting the love offered.

Meals On Wheels also serves as a well-check. It's always good to have someone stop by to make sure all is good. As far as housekeeping is concerned, just be there for the first couple of visits I helped mom work up a list of chores that she felt comfortable letting a "stranger" do and kept it posted on the refrigerator. Overtime, we added a few more things to the list. At first, the housekeeper came once a week for 2 1/2 hours. What a difference it made! Tell him that after a long productive life, he deserves a little pampering or explain that it would help mom. My parents were not open to these services at first but with a little effort, it worked out very well. It's not charity; it's people caring about people and with a little patience and direction, you can get them the help they need.

It has more to do with the era he was raised in. You didn't get free things, you worked for what you got or did some kind of trade for it. It is a mindset (and a respectable one). In his time, you were raised to live within your income and be very frugal. You didn't go buy an expensive car and then expect the government to buy your groceries. My own grandmother refused a senior citizen discount on a bus ticket because she thought it was charity.

You might start small. If you and the siblings are going to pay for the in-home caregiving assistance, don't tell him you're paying for it. Might be easier to say the doctor ordered it and let him think medicare or insurance is paying. (Be sure to tell the caregiver not to discuss payments). If he goes along with it, then you might be able to add the meals as well.

Have you thought about Taking dad out for breakfast and having the people come clean while hes gone? That would also be a good time to bring in a care giver when hes not there and then if your mother likes the care giver what is your dad going to say you can't have friends? Please care givers become of close and friendly with the elderly. It's natural for them to resist at 1st

Several of the suggestions made could be tried.

Be there when the cleaning is to be done, introduce them as your friends coming to help YOU. Stick around the first few times, maybe "lending a hand", and gradually extricate yourself once they get used to the person (hopefully it will always the same person.) Stress how having your friends do this helps YOU AND allows him to focus on caring for mom, not dreaded housework!

If that doesn't work, see about getting him/them out for a few hours each or every other week and bring in the cleaners while he/they are out. Probably only need to get dad out - have someone take him out for a nice long lunch!

MOW, as noted, can be paid for if they would feel better about it (I inquired about MOW and it would have cost $2, but in mom's head the food was crap, so she wouldn't even try.) Again, focus on how this frees dad up to dote on mom rather than trying to cook up meals and leaving her alone. Like the cleaning, tell him that Medicare and his taxes pay for this - why should others benefit from what you paid all those years for and you don't???

Maybe call it take out food, and they can pay for it when it is delivered?

Another approach is to focus on it as a BENEFIT not a charity - again, pass it off as something SS/Medicare now provides, just like doctor visits and medicine (perhaps similar approach can be tried with cleaning - SS/Medicare wants to help, using the money YOU paid for it while working!) We did that when hiring aides for 1hr/day to check on her and see that she took her meds from the timed dispenser - Medicare is paying - she thought that was great! When checking out the MC place we chose, she said it was nice, but who is going to pay for it - I said the VA (we were going to apply, long story not for here) which helped, but by the time we got her back to her condo, she forgot why we were even there!

Anytime she did ask, I passed the buck off to someone else paying for it - not charity, but a benefit that makes it FREE to you (she was all for getting FREE stuff, within limits.)

I was surprised at the nerve I touched, altho I shouldn't have been, I guess. Mother is so very 'typical' of her age and attitude. She thinks she is still the 18 yo 'Sweetheart of Sigma Chi'..and I GET THAT. Nobody at the age of 90 (or 63!!) is looking in the mirror and thinking 'oh yeah, I am something! I am a stunner!' My mother is convinced all the men at the Sr Center want her, esp the married ones.
(sigh)

But this post was about taking help of any kind and this is a hill I'm not willing to die on. Since my cancer dx, I am not allowed to even GO into her place. Describing it to the oncologist--he said "you DO NOT go in her house. Period." I know APS has been called on my brother (she lives with him)...and nothing happens. Her place, to my mind, is gross and filthy. To her, it's her little nest.

Brother has also fought us on having anyone come in to help---yet he doesn't do it. There's 4 sibs and he will not allow us to come near her. She has money for outside help and simply, flat out, refuses anything. Brother acts all martyred, but he set that up for himself. Funny thing is, I cannot figure out why he won't let her have help? It's not like he's standing to inherit millions: we will all get $9,850 if she ever dies.

I try not to think about how bad it smells, how filthy the carpets are, how urine soaked the big recliner is....I have see worse, for sure, but she's a pile of old newspapers away from being on 'Hoarders'.

There is in-home care that will allow you to pick the services you feel your parents need.
Right at Home is one. Their CNAs will help with light housekeeping, cooking their meals, take to doctor appointments (they need to use Mom/Dad's car or you're charged mileage), take them to grocery to shop.
#1 BE SURE THAT THEIR BANK IS AWARE THAT SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU WILL BE BRINGING THEM TO THE BANK.
The bank will place a special code to override a transaction or required to call you first. They may place what is called a "9" hold on the account. It's not a big deal, it is a code that the account has special instructions. No one will be able to use the ATM or use the debt card for purchases. Stores will be required to call the bank for instruction for handling the situation. PROTECTS your parent's money. I should have had it done with my Mom's account being a former banker but I thought I could trust the ugly step-siblings, MY BAD!!
The caregiver SHOULD NEVER BE WITH YOUR PARENT(S) during the transaction at the bank/teller window....EVER. Have the banker place a dollar limit per day for cashing checks i.e. $100. That way if there are transactions everyday, every other day RED FLAG!
#2. Get your parents to place you on their account(s), change the mailing address to yours AND open an on-line portal to review transactions.
**remember, if you are on their account(s) you will ALSO BE UNDER SCRUTINY BY RELATIVES WHO CAN REQUEST INVESTIGATION(S) SHOULD THEY "THINK" YOU'RE TAKING MONEY.
TRUST ME, my ugly step-sister did this to me even though the bank's Legal dept had given me special dispensation. The ugly step-sister USED MY MOM'S PERSONAL INFO TO OPEN AN ON-LINE PORTAL AND MOVED THOUSANDS OF $$.
I passed the investigation with flying colors, but she has placed herself in the position of ID theft, elder abuse for financial gain.
I told my attorney that these and a few more fraudulent issues WILL BE HELD OVER HER HEAD as she wants, tried to get more of Mom's sole/separate assets forcing me to file an asset divorce to protect Mom (they both have Alzheimers).
Talk with their banker, take photos of EVERYTHING i.e. Mom's expensive jewelry. Missing checks from the checkbook. Their physical condition(s). Take them to a TRUSTED attorney to make sure their Wills are current with probate (you cannot be part of this discussion), full or limited POA financial/medical. I'd go for full POA as many States, limited may only last a few months.
LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS WHEN THEY TALK WITH YOU. They could be trying to tell you something in "code" that things aren't good.
It doesn't matter whether in-home care companies have surety bonds/licensed/insured, background checked employees; that doesn't make the person 100% trustworthy. Even nursing homes/group homes. YOU are their eyes and protector.
Yes, make sure you go with the person many times as a "friend" who wants to help. Help this "friend" several times like preparing meals, cleaning kitchen, laundry, going to the store with them. It will take about 2-3 maybe a few more weeks for your parents to become confortable.
The person should be the same person every time and the same time each day scheduled. If that person cannot come by, the person should tell them that they will be back in a few days due to vacation or whatever, otherwise the person substituting should be brought in with the other person AND you so the confidence bond is not broken.
Hope this helps you in some way.

So who is doing it now?  You?  Or your dad?  Couple thoughts:  1 is that it is a city provided service that he has paid for via his taxes and that is the blessing of living all these years where he has and he should take advantage of it.  2 is that he needs to take care of HIMSELF so he can take care of mom longer.  Try the "let's just try it for an afternoon" angle.  BUT please please be sure to do all your homework and get an agency that REALLY hires good people and does a background check.  3 If you are helping take the burden...say it's too hard for you and you can't keep doing it because you are exhausted.  In our community Meals on Wheels is not free so people do pay for it.  You may look into other home delivered meal services, which can be costly but may resolve that problem and for sure is cheaper than assisted living.  Nutrition is important for good health.  Tell him if he wants, if it is free, he can make regular donations to help keep the program into the future.  You might have to wait...but with the holidays coming put a nice card/gift certificate in a box for the holiday gift from all you kids for housecleaning for a year.  If it makes you crazy to wait that long, figure out a time/event to get them out and have a cleaning company on standby to do their thing quickly.  If all else fails, you'll make yourself crazy fighting it...I've been in the business 25+ years and yet to see dust as a cause of death...and as for food, hungry people always find something somehow to eat.

You can try telling them that the Senior Center operates on limited funds (true in my area), and that accepting services provides funding which helps them help seniors.     If they run out of funds, a lot of seniors will suffer.

My father's Senior Center charged a nominal fee for MOW, holds races, sales and other fundraisers.    That funding is absolutely critical to their operation.  

Your parents help not only themselves by accepting services, they help the Senior Center provides services to other elders, so your parents are performing charitable work themselves when they use services that generate revenue.

Does their Senior Center publish a newsletter?  If so, can you download it and print it out for your parents?   If it's like others, it'll have requests for donations and identify other ways people can participate and help support the Center.

My late mother insisted on paying the $12/week for her town's Meals on Wheels service. She, too, was a proud Greatest Generation woman and always wanted to pay her way in life and she did!

Tell him that they took care of you for 18 years, now you want to return that care by lending him a hand.
If he says that it was his duty just say it's now your duty....

If the folks can't cook for themselves, what about using Uber Eats? Even in my little backwater burg we now have this service for most fast food restaurants. They could call Wendy's or McD's for take out... not the healthiest options, certainly, but at least they'd be eating. Don't dismiss frozen dinners, either... 4 minutes in the microwave and you're eating hot food.

My in-laws tried MOW and hated it, too... not only because they also though it was welfare, but they generally did not like the food (FIL is finicky).

Change to one's routine is hard... I find myself growing more set in my ways with every passing year, so now I'm starting to understand my dad a lot better. While the idea of maid service sounds like a fantastic idea to me now (I'm still working full-time), and I wonder how anyone could say no to that (tried the same thing with my dad, too) I may not feel that way in 20 years.

Not sure of your situation, but with my dad I'm just blatantly honest with him, and he appreciates it. If something needs to be cleaned or food tossed I tell him and then we clean out the fridge together. He's in charge of his house, but I'm there to help make sure he doesn't have any kind of biohazard developing in the fridge or his potato chip drawer :)

In my area services for assistance are on a sliding scale and in some cases clients pay full price. There are very few who get free services or a large discount. Cleaners average about $10.00 an hour. Meals on Wheels for 21 meals averages $40.00 a week.

I would be very firm and very blunt. Tell them these are the New Rules because of their medical/physical/mental conditions and their ages. You and the family are now in charge of what is going to be. Give them an option - cooperate or they will lose everything and be placed into a home where they have no say so. And be prepared to stand up and have the guts to do what you need to do. I know people like this and there truly is no other way. You must get very, very tough with them.

We donate for the Meals on Wheels meals. They ask for $1.50 per meal, if the families want to make donations. They like the food and feel like it's not charity knowing they donate (pay) for the meals. The visits from volunteers who deliver mean as much as the food.
Letting a relative get paid to light clean worked for our parents. She was doing it anyway, so they decided to pay her.