How do you get your 88-year-old mom to stop driving and sell the car?

If you know and can contact any of your Mom's neighbors then consider asking them to call 911 if they see her pull out and drive. You may want to have her car make, model and license plate handy for them to call it in. This is one way they would impound her car. Then, she wouldn't be able to get it out very easily and you're not the bad guy. She won't know who called the cops.

? Not sure how anyone can negate POA? Giving up the independence of driving is hard. My adult children, and my grandson have said for years that I shouldn’t be driving. At age 82 I hit the car ahead of me in a car wash. This fender bender led to my decision to stop driving and give my car to my grandson. I am lucky as I can easily walk to stores, beauty parlor and nail salon. My daughter has given me gift certificates for driving services which I use for medical appointments. I save lots of money on insurance, registration, gas and repairs. But I was lucky to have that car wash accident - minimal damage to all cars, no personal injuries. I don’t wish that on your mom but it did make me decision to stop driving easy.

Call APS( Adult Protective Services) where she lives, report this unsafe situation and, request their intervention for safety purposes.

Does she live in a retirement community? Or in a single home?
If in a " retirement community" perhaps you can contact them for some assistance until APS can intervene.

As POA you can also call her PCP
( Primary care doctor) and make them aware of the safety issues for both your mother and others.
Perhaps the physician can offer some other direction to go.

I would also contact your personal and her attorney and make them aware of the situation and, that she threatened to remove POA .... get directions and advice and info re her ability to do this or not....and also what they suggest you can do now.

Unfortunately it does sound like you may need to travel to her location and, make arrangements for her there or to a facility/ retirement community near you.

Good luck. Take care of yourself....

In most states anyone can report an unsafe driver to the DMV. Your identity must be disclosed to the DMV but the complaint can be anonymous. You need to describe in detail why that person shouldn't be driving and any related medical or cognitive conditions. Be aware, that if Mom gets her PCP to write a letter saying she can drive, they will take the doctor's word over yours. Did her PCP do actual cognitive testing? Speed of reflexes? Peripheral vision test? Depth perception? Get that information. If it was just the doctor's impression from a conversation with Mom and no actual testing, that doctor can be held liable for endorsing her ability to drive without appropriate testing in the case of an accident with injuries. Threatening the PCP is a last resort, but it will work.

innjup50: Have her physician notify the DMV of the unsafe situation posthaste.

I recall seeing a 20/20 or Nightline show that had adult kids take a ride with their father and videotape the entire time. I don’t recall if the elder was aware at the time he was being recorded. They then returned home, played the video for him. He was actually very shocked how bad it was. I think he tried, at least for a bit, to still argue. But it was a step

might be worth a try. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

have someone pull plugs from her car. If it doesn't start, she isn't going anywhere.

She is a danger to herself and othes, and her driving should be stopped. Ask her doctor to activate your POA (meaning that she is no longer mentally competent to make good decisions). Pull the plug on the battery (or get someone there to do it) and then have the car towed to a service station. Sell the car and let your mother know that it was beyond repair. The fact that she's driving without her doctor's permission. Take over all of her finances. Have the bills and mail from her accounts sent to your address (or better still set her accounts up online and paperless). Is it possible for your mother to move to assisted living near you? Have you had the talk with your mother about how she wants to be cared for, when she is no longer able to care for herself? Tell her that it would be much easier for you to help her if she lives close to you (if that is doable for you). Some people do not know that they have dementia. If she is in total denial that there may be a time when she cannot care for herself you'll have to use the POA on her behalf. Try not to argue with her, it doesn't help and can make things worse. Just do what you have to do. Good luck! All the best to you both.

Regarding calling Adult Family Protection: I don't know if it's the same in other states, but in Washington state they have no authority to do anything the senior does not want to do...not at all the same as with Child Protection Services.

I lived several hours from my 86 year old dad, and tried for months to work with Adult Family Protection, and they were zero help. All they would do was to occassionally (RARELY) stop by his house to see how he was doing....and even then, it was an unscheduled stop in, so sometimes he was not even home. I kind of feel sorry for Adult Family Services folks in Washington...they can't do anything legally, are overwhelmed with requests, and have a lot of families mad at them much of the time thinking they have more authority to do things than they do.

Regarding having a doctor submit a form saying they should not be driving: That did zero good in my dad's case. The DMV did revoke his license (and I even went in with him to get a regular Identification card and watched while they punched a hole in his drivers license), but later he would argue with me either 1. that he still had a Washington drivers license, 2. that they were wrong so he was going to drive anyway, or 3. that he had an Arizona drivers license and he would use that. (he and his deceased wife used to live in Arizona half the year, but he never had an Arizona drivers license, just an Identification card...you can't have drivers licenses in two states at once). He was always really good at coming up with arguments, LOL....and he refused to ever believe he had dementia.

All this was after he had already totalled one of his cars in a single car accident in the middle of nowhere at night after having a couple of drinks and rolling it over in a field. He first was telling people he didn't know what happened, but then his frield suggested maybe a deer came out on the road. Mistake....that then became "the story", and grew to several deer came out in the road. I believe he fell asleep at the wheel, and lost control. Luckily no one, including him, was harmed. Unfortunately he had another car to drive...

Taking away his car would have done no good, as knowing my dad he would have gone out & bought another...and he would have driven his neighbors crazy going to each one of them for help regarding it....he already called his friend that normally helped him 35 times one day [according to his friend's cell phone log] when he (my dad) was having issues. Ditto for disabling his car or taking his keys...he would have had someone fix it or get him new keys.

There is often no easy way to do this.

Ultimately when he agreed to go into an adult family home, the adult family home company picked up and drove him there (over 7 hours of driving for them...I rode with them for this step) & his car stayed at his house (3+ hours away). He would ask about the car, and I'd tell him it was okay. I'm convinced he would have continued driving if we hadn't moved him to an adult family home, even thought he was clearly in no shape to drive (had mentally regressed to a much earlier stage in his life with his memories where he was still working, & even when he was in his own home didn't know where he was sometimes.)

I asked an attorney if i could put 'the club' on his car--they said 'legally no'. Again, he would have either found a way around it, or found a way to buy a new car. Ostensibly a dealership would need to see his drivers license, but I'm not convinced everyone is honest/swift enough to do that, as they want to sell their cars.

I asked about guardianship, but was told that even if I was his guardian I could not dictate what he could & couldn't do. Doesn't sound right to me, but there you go. ...and knowing that I would not be held liable (according to the lawyer) if he was in an accident & killed someone, was not a comfort to me. I still would have felt horrible & that I could've done something more.

Sorry this post was so long.

innjup50,

You can't stop her. She is going to do what she does, she is going to control her space. You are the back stop - you are the reality that she does not want to hear. This will not change. You have POA. You know she is a danger on the road but you do not want to antognize her. It's hard, but put a stop to it now. The longer she drives, the greater the chance she has to hurt herself or others. She could lose all she has.
If I had the ability to give my parents the help they need today (I don't have POA), then I would not have to lose sleep worried about what they will not have tomorrow. I know how hard it is to lose your parents love because they think you are trying to limit or hurt them, but if they lose their financial ability to live, no one wins - EVERYBODY LOSES.
Follow your heart because you know what it is telling you. Call her bluff, let her license expire, and notify DMV. There is a form you can fill out to have her driving ability tested. Get the form, fill it out.
Then hang on for the fall out. She most likely won't pass, but she still may insist on driving - at least that is what I have, parents who care about themselves but not about their neighbors. It sucks-it is hard to give up your independence. Unless you realize that they, your neighbors, are the people who come to your aid when you are in need.
you can message me and I will share my story. You are not to blame and this is not your responsibility - she has dumped this on you and you are not at fault. It is defenately harder to do it as an only child, I'm sorry you have to face this alone. You are stronger than she is - trust your heart.