Let me preface the situation by saying I live VERY far away and can't control the situation. I'm also an only child and have offered as much help as I can afford and she will accept. I have power of attorney but Mom threatens to take it away if I do something against her wishes... Having said that... She's been told to stop driving by her doctor. She complains of her vision and dizzy spells, her reflexes are extremely slow. I've taken the keys, she made a new set. I have offered to pay Lyfts and practiced doing it with her and she will use the service sometimes to appointments... When she does drive it's not far but she does and to make matters worse, I just found out she hasn't registered the car in over a year and a half. (It's no longer possible to register it online because its so past due, there's a huge fine and if she's caught driving it, a felony in Florida.) When I tell her this, she says I'm exaggerating and "it's all politics" "They are trying to scare you." She's also ending up in the ER 2x a month for anxiety and she has a co pay of 250$ for each ambulance visit. The sale of the car would help finance this and the Lyfts but she won't let me do it. I'm allowed to pay for everything but I'm not allowed to have help to do it. Her license is going to expire in January of 2023, but I'm guessing since the registration doesn't matter to her the license expiring won't either. To begin with, I've been scared she's going to hurt someone but now its also a financial thing. I know she's scared and alone but I cannot keep this up. The car could also help to pay for some more care for her.
You write that you help her pay for things. Why? Are you going to finance 24/7/365 help if/when it comes to that? Pay for a lawyer for her if she ends up injuring or killing someone or gets a felony conviction (long-expired registration) while she continues to drive?
What are your mother's finances? Do you have POA/HCPOA? Is she deemed to be mentally competent? I'm guessing yes. What would happen if you stopped enabling her?
What is your mother's financial situation
I’d contact the lawyer who drafted her POA and get his input.
In our situation, my LO’s “anxiety” (severe) was the result of her intense and unsuccessful desire to keep her cognitive loss a secret. Once we had a professional diagnosis, everything began to fall into place on her behalf.
Her desire to threaten you with the POA seems like it may be evidence of her desire to maintain control while suffering a reduction of her ability to think rationally.
Whether that’s the case or not, that’s something you have to consider.
Sometimes the early stages of getting a diagnosis are the hardest part of care.
Do your research and always put her safety first. Good Luck.
This is state laws... Doesn't do much for u. In WI doc not required to report to DMV... Any driver can report an unsafe driver.. then I know DMV will require a written test to be passed a road test to keep dl. Dad driving ok yeti don't think he could pass the written test. so it won't ever get to a road test.
But when time comes he will h like ur mother an refuse to give up.
When he was recovering from sepsis. I had a friend with automotive knowledge take the fuel pump relay out so the car wouldn't start. Then I had to call his mechanic tell him why it wouldn't start. Because he would have figured it out in a minute.. his mechanic had to be in the game too. Mechanic kept saying he was too busy to fix... But that wi and a child living close.
I think you need to report to DMV police and they will impound the car for expired registration...tell them also that doc says no drive she is not given option to pay fee.
My action will be to just report to DMV and let them deal with it....
God grant me the serenity to do the things I can. Accept the things I can't and the wisdom to know the difference.
Ill try to get the doctor to write that note. They told her but her answer a week later is they never said that. So in writing might help ...Thanks again.
The DMV sent her snail mail directing her to come in for a retest. My silly cousin drove her for this test. She couldn't pass the eye test, and it was apparent that she had dementia when the staff was talking to her. Her license was revoked. Then my other cousin took over control of the car to remove it physically so she couldn't access it.
You have the benefit of having a doctor's "order" to stop driving. Scan it and send that to the DMV too. Also, try calling the local police to explain that her car is unregistered and she is unfit and that you're in the process of getting her off the streets. Maybe they can do something at their end. Or a neighbor, or relative who lives closer.
My very elderly uncle should have had his license and car removed by his cowardly children and then one day he drove right through a red light and was t-boned on the passenger side, killing his wife and dog, and injuring the other people who hit him.
I'm also an only child and have 3 elders for whom I'm a DPoA. I recommend that you start lining up rides for her on a regular basis. Start by asking neighbors or anyone local to her that you trust. Reward them discretely by sending them gift cards. Have her groceries delivered by InstCart. Send her necessities through Amazon Prime.
Then, as her PoA sell her car and cancel the insurance. It's can't be cheap at her age. You may want to consider having her mail redirected to your home. Doesn't sound like she can even pay bills or has a grasp of finances. IMHO you should move your trip up to go there sooner.
When my Dad stopped driving and I was now the designated driver for my parents, my folks kept forgetting I was still fully employed. They were just so use to leaving the house 3-4 times a day back when Dad could still drive. Mom wouldn't ride with strangers, so taxis were out.
Dad had a brilliant idea. He would have Mom drive. Since my Mom [96] was now legally blind, Dad said he could tell her when to stop, when to turn, etc. I had to remind Dad that Mom was also now deaf. Oh.
They kept the car in case of emergencies. It wasn't easy reminding them that they could call 911 in case of an emergencies, fire and recuse also have vehicles.
I would make an appt now with a Neurologist in Moms area so its set up when u visit. It can take a couple of months to get in. You need a formal diagnosis. Moms Neurologist sat down in front of her, looked her in the eye and told her, "you cannot drive anymore" and why. We put the car up for sale, out of sight out of mind.
Its your POA immediate or do you need a Doctor/s saying Mom is no longer able to make informed decisions? Those suffering from Dementia, in early stages, can "showtime". Meaning the get get up enough energy to seem normal.
Is Mom living independently?
I would report her to the DMV myself. Were she mentally disabled I perhaps would physically see to it that the car is not in running condition by having a mechanic disable it with my POA. But you are correct that as long as your Mom is able to give and take away the POA, and as long as she is not considered mentally incompetent, you don't have legally the power to remove or disable the car and she does have the power to drive it illegally.
I was POA and Trustee for my brother. I have to tell you I would not act as same for anyone who acted as your mother is acting. The state could take on that duty as they do for anyone without family. It is a onerous job, and one that is daunting as to learning curve, and to do it for someone who isn't organized and agreeable? I cannot imagine. And I wouldn't do it.
If this were simply your mom refusing to take her meds, or not being able to manage money--something that DOES NOT affect others....I'd say my bit and let it go.
35 years ago we had just bought a brand new van. My FIRST and only brand new car. It was big and wonderful and on our maiden voyage as a family, an elderly man ran a stop sign right in front of us and my DH t-boned this guy. We were super fortunate in that the roads were wet and instead of slamming in to him--we spun his care around in circles. He had 4 very elderly passengers in the car. To this day I remember my DH yelling 'hang on, I am going to hit this guy!"
It was only through the grace of God that no one in either car was killed or much more than a little banged up. My kids were absolutely TERRIFIED and that just made it so they never, ever rode or ride in cars w/o seatbelts.
Driving is a PRIVILEGE not a RIGHT. How would your mom felt if she hit someone? And it sounds like that's already happened.
Her car is un-registered, probably uninsured and she's a danger on the road.
I would go to where she is, talk to her and if she's not agreable to selling the car, I'd call the police and give them all her info and let them know she's out there. That may seem mean and all--but could YOU live with the guilt that would come if you do nothing and she causes a terrible accident? You could also disable the car to the point it could not be driven. BUT she may still have it towed to a shop and 're-abled'. The car really NEEDS to be gone.
You can, if you are with her, set her up for Uber or Lyft and have her take a couple of 'trips' using the APP and teach her how easy it is.
This isn't a situation that 'annoying' it's your duty as a caring person to protect the world from a bad driver.
One day I asked to borrow the car so I could take my 94 y/o mom for a pedicure 3 blocks away. He refused to allow me to drive the car and insisted that he’d take us. I told him there was no way in hell that I’d get in a car with him anymore and we would take a cab which we did.
I spoke to my sister about this and she said her daughter needed a second car. So we decided to have her ask my dad if she could buy it. We then encouraged dad to give it to her so that he could feel good that he helped her out.
it was a win for all concerned.
She needs to get off the road before she kills someone. Ask her primary if they will call the DMV.
don’t think she realized real ID as different than a DL when at the dmv as we even talked if she needed real ID as opposed to just reissue. As my sil got the mail the day it came she played along pointing out it was a ID not DL
You are not alone in this struggle. His neurologist said it’s the number one issue for most caregivers with the moderate stage of dementia. The car is freedom and independence. People are very resistant to give that up. But in NYC you don’t even need a car! I live in the city too. Haven’t owned a car since I left CA 30 years ago.
I also have POA for my father, but your POA doesn’t necessarily give you the power to take over every aspect of their life. For that you need conservatorship or guardianship. I have wrested my father’s financial life away from him without him knowing I’ve even done it using my POA. But I can’t use it to keep him out of his car.
The first thing I did once I had the diagnosis letter was to call his attorney to tell him so he knew what was going on. He said now that he knows he would not allow my father to make any changes to his trust should he come in and try to alter it.
Fyi in my state of ei the doctor is not required to report to DMV... But anyone can report an unsafe driver.... The DMV will send a form to surrender ur driver's license within 30 days. Or get a doc signature that u can drive . The doc must have done a physical exam with the last 30 days and be licensed in the state of wi.
Once the doc signs the form, the individual must pass the written test to keep license if they pass that the must pass an one road driving test with DMV. If they pass that they can keep their license for 3 more years. 2 years of over 60. Then after 2, 3 years they receive another form the dmv has to sign or they must surrender their license.... Fyi caus I have multiple sclrrosis and was in a relapse.. I wasn't driving but my license had to v renewed.. Ms is relapse remission disease so I was totally capable of driving when in remission.
They were sending me forms to have the doctor sign every 6 months so I would have to see her Evert 6 months... The meds reduced relapsed.. but I had to have an appointment I didn't need every 6 months to keep my driver's license.. she got so frustrated she wrote a letter to DMV that she would notify them when I can no longer drive...
So I have been thru this for wi.
The doc is not required to notify the DMV. .the doc is required to respond to a request from DMV for ability to drive safely when the DMV request... In WI since anyone can report an unsafe driver to DMV... The DMV can help in a different way... Anyone can notify of driver being unsafe then the doc must respondvto DMV or surrender their dl
My mom joined the heavenly choir 9/3. The memory care center we found was her SAFE home and it was the best decision we ever made! She was able to have her quickly failing needs met, she had her "apartment", she had 2 best friends, and we got to spend time with her in HER world every day💜
Not sure of state laws, but here as soon as there is a dementia diagnosis, they are no longer able to sign ANY type of legal document anymore.
It didn't go well at first but he knew. Now he gets people to pick him up and take him places, He's with me so I do all the Dr runs and church, etc. I had to remind him of when we started driving as kids and what he said to us that hed rip our license up if we messed up. My wife laid it out, "we are not going to lose our home if you hurt someone.
There are services out there to help pick her up to go places, check with your eldercare in your area or churches.
Your situation is hard as you live at a distance. Take the keys, pull the battery, and or move the car. I totally understand your situation. I wish you the best.
In April, a new neurologist reported her as having Alzheimer's to the DMV. She received a letter that her license was revoked. I quickly filed paperwork with the DMV to gain the deed to her vehicle. I sold her Honda CRV for $17,500 and put the cash into her savings, which earns interest. Of course she was absolutely beside herself. I haven't really heard the end of it since May. But things get better and then they get worse, and then better. She feels that she can drive, but she is incorrect. She doesn't have the reflexes. She doesn't have the clear mindedness. She could never pass a DMV test.
The loss of my mom's independence has been very traumatizing for her, and she is very depressed about it. I have tried Lyft and Uber, but she doesn't like them. The cars are "filthy." I got her approved for Sundial transportation, $1.50 per ride, but she doesn't like that either. And she can walk, but she doesn't. It's really up to her to figure out what she wants to do to be able to go somewhere. I'm here to facilitate rides. But in the meantime I'm the one that takes her to all of her doctors' appointments and once-a-week shopping. Because she has Medicare Advantage HMO, no doctor has approved a beta amyloid pet scan; they all have an excuse that it won't be covered, so no point in requesting one; so we don't even really know how bad her condition is, which is frustrating. She lives alone, and she feels trapped and imprisoned. Unfortunately, in the summer it gets up into the 100s every single day. So that's a problem for at least 4 months a year. But now it's nice and she can walk 26 minutes each way to the corner strip malls. She's a schmoozer and loves to chit chat with everybody. She feels like a person when she can interact with others. But how do I get her to get dressed and leave the house? Just not motivated. Ugh! I wish that she would at least go and look at some of the AL facilities so that she can have a more social environment.
Does your mom own the house she lives in? What is the resistance to moving to assisted living?
Others have suggested talking to an attorney about the POA and the situation. Make sure you are documenting incidents you know about showing that she is not capable of driving, handling bills, etc.
Definitely check with DMV in her state. I've heard that some states will cooperate with the family in taking away her license. You might try to find out how many accidents have been reported. When we sold the MIL's car, there were accidents we were unaware of.
* Is your mom deemed mentally incapacitated? If so, you can do what is necessary. If she isn't diagnosed, get her diagnosed.
* If you cannot manage her care, you need to get a manager in there to assist - in ways that you cannot due to distance/travel.
THE CAR . . . yes, she could kill herself and/or others . . . Have someone
* take out a part.
* stuff something in the key hole like cement
* do what you have to do to make the car unusable.
* you notify the local police dept of the situation.
Gena
Touch Matters
When they've come through for you, get her to a Geriatric Psychiatrist. It's time to move her near you, but not in your home.
A last resort would be to hire a guardian service.
We had hinted around, made suggestions and assorted offers for years before Mom finally gave up her car. The thing that made her give up her car was when my brother was injured in an accident caused by a different 90+ year old who was not fit to drive. Mom then realized that she did not want to risk hurting somebody simply because her reflexes were not as good as they should be.
Of course, there were a lot of other carrots in this trade. I agreed to buy her old car, my sisters and I agreed to take her to all her regular social events and take her to buy groceries every week. I also agreed to take her on an outing every week to include a drive and lunch. These were sometimes difficult to live up to, but most of the driving we did for Mom helped us to make her last years of life a time when we got to know each other better and also gave us opportunities to get to know her friends.
It may be that you might be able to point out to her that SHE may have benefits in giving up her car. It may also be that you will simply have to wait for events to force the issue. It can be of some help to your own mental health to acknowledge that you have only limited powers here and that your mother is primarily responsible for her own problems and solutions. It might seem easier if you could just take over and mandate all your preferred solutions, but you just can't. Do what you can, by getting in touch with senior services, then back off.
Watching a parent age and make their own mistakes is really hard, but knowing when you cannot force your own will in a situation can help your own sanity.