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96yo Mother with dementia has been emotionally manipulated to not speak to any of her family with the exception of my late brothers wife. Reason being, us family members who were executors, recently tried to monitor her accounts, as precaution with how close the caregiver has gotten. Once caregiver got wind of this, she convinced my mother to remove my sister and I as co-executors and now has my late brothers wife (a friend of the caregiver) listed as the new executor. The caregiver, my mother and my ex sister in law have convinced my poor mother that we are the enemy because we want to fire the suspicious caregiver. Our calls and mail go unanswered and we have all been told (bullied) that if we try to remove the caregiver (per our mom supposedly), the rest of us will certainly be removed from her will entirely. We are all well off on our own and aren't looking to gain too exuberantly from mom's future passing, but find it very suspicious that we have been labeled the enemy by her in home caregiver, which is way out of character and we are worried. Although we don't want to risk getting cut out entirely and now having been removed entirely from the executor process (done with her attorney while we were out of town....no coincidence), I fear for my mother believing and loving so much in her caregiver- more than us, that in essence she doesn't even remember when or why she even changed the executor and will in the 1st place due to dementia. My fear is that the caregiver has brainwashed our mother into giving her everything, instead of her own family, who loves and misses her very much. But we are denied and shunned every time we want to visit or call. It's literally scary how quick this all happened within 2 months. Looking for help on how to handle this.

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Wow. I'd either get a lawyer or call adult protection (?) services and get them involved.
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
Both, call APS and get a CELA by going to www.nelf.org and finding one in your area.
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You need an elder law attorney and possibly APS. A person with dementia isn’t qualified of sound mind to change legal documents, changes aren’t valid. Mom needs protection from this caregiver, possibly a change of residence for mom to memory care to protect her from vultures like this
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ElenaMaria, just curious as to who is giving you this information about the caregiver.... is it your Mother? Please note it is not unusual for those who have dementia to create "stories" due to the fact their brain is not working correctly.

I recall my own mother telling me stories about my Dad and her own Dad. It was rattling to first hear the stories until I realized it was the dementia talking.

And as mentioned by Daughterof1930, your Mom wouldn't be able to make any changes to legal documents. Attorneys are trained to notice if a person is having memory issues. Usually the Attorney tries to speak with Mom on her own, or if Mom insists on having another person in the room, the Attorney will watch to see if the other person is speaking for Mom or trying to convince Mom to change the documents.
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First, as executors have no rights until Mom dies. Before that its POA or guardianship. Has a Dr. said in writing that Mom can no longer make informed decisions? If not you need this. Then you need to talk to the lawyer who made the changes. He had to have noticed Mom being prompted and not go along with it.

I have never heard of coexecutors. Lawyers usually do not recommend more than one Executor. Are you really talking about POAs?
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Isthisrealyreal Mar 2019
It is an option to have co executors. But that doesn't come into play until you are deceased. It's a will responsibility.
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Oh yeh, call APS.
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Who has POA? Why weren’t they involved at the outset? In my state! The role of “executor” doesn’t take effect until death.

You certainly need legal clarification, and the last thing I’d worry about is being “bullied”.

Once you determine who, if ANYONE, has legal responsibility for your mother’s welfare, you can engage the backing of legal authorities to determine who is and who is not functioning in your mother’s best interests.
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When you say you "tried to monitor her accounts" what do you mean, exactly?

You repeatedly refer to "executors." An executor is a person who carries out the instructions in a will after someone has died. So I wonder if you perhaps meant some other kind of authority to act on your mother's behalf, such as power of attorney or trustee.

You and other family members became concerned that your mother's caregiver was forming an unusually close relationship with your mother. In what way? What made you think so?

You tried to monitor your mother's accounts. What did you do? Did you have any authorisation to access information on these accounts?

You suppose that the caregiver talked your mother into ostracising the monitors and giving more authority to your SIL.

You have not been able to visit or call your mother for two months. Hmm. How hard have you tried to see her? And how often have you normally seen and called her before that? I'm not questioning this for no reason: my sister once explicitly accused me of isolating my mother, when I called her to postpone a visit. She said that I kept putting her off and it was very suspicious. The visit had indeed already been postponed twice, once because of a fall and the second time by my sister: presumably it had slipped her memory that she herself had been the one to cancel. So I know it doesn't take much for people to start thinking the worst - when you say you have been denied and shunned, what do you mean?
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I'm surprised this doesn't happen more, people have become so greedy and heartless. You often do see instances in the news of a caretaker scamming their client. Her attorney, however, should have known better than to change a legal document for a woman with diagnosed dementia. You may want to talk to your mom's doctor. If he has given her a mini mental status exam in the last few months, he may be able to provide the proof you would need of your mom's inability to handle her affairs and you and your sister could get guardianship or POA. There are different types of POA. In my mom's case, her trustee has financial POA and I have medical POA. No reason why you and your sister couldn't get either or both. You might want to get in touch with the Office of the Aging to see what they suggest. I'd get that caretaker replaced ASAP.
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APS. Today.
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First of all, I am so very sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, stories like yours are becoming more and more common as the caregiving and assisted living community is becoming a breeding ground for negligence, manipulation, and overall abuse.

The first thing you need to do is get in contact with Adult Protective Services who will launch a full investigation into the situation, run a background check on the caregiver, and can help you to get in contact with your mother. I would highly suggest you hire an attorney who specializes in Medical Malpractice and Disabilities. The caregiver is abusing your mother in terms of reckless endangerment due to her manipulation and preventing you and your family from having contact with her. As a caregiver, she is supposed to only be involved in personal care, not legal or family matters.

Is this a private caregiver or is she part of an agency? If so, get in contact with her agency and report her immediately and explain that she is in violation of HIPPA law, which means she cannot violate your mothers rights, which includes using her disability as a means for manipulating her into doing things she is not completely aware of. Since your mother has dementia and the caregiver is aware of it, she is committing Disability abuse and it is considered a hate crime.

You can also contact your local Ombudsman as well, they handle legal issues concerning the elderly and can surely assist you as well. There are many Ombudsman programs depending on which state you are in.
Basically, it is better to have a team of professionals that specialize in Disability Abuse and Malpractice in order to really turn the tables on this caregiver, who will have to answer to the law for what she is doing.

Again, I am so sorry this is happening to you and your family. Keep fighting and do everything and anything you can to get that caregiver out of there.
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Call the cops and have the caregiver arrested. They can charge her with elder abuse. Then change the executor back to you and your sister by way of an elder law attorney. File a complaint against the attorney who changed executorship with the BAR association to review his/her license to practice law. They may revoke it. As to the bullying, you can make it stop by removing the bully with the sheriff in tow. Good luck.
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Isthisrealyreal Apr 2019
Just that simple.
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Sure sounds like elder abuse not to mention a criminal case as well. This “caregiver “ needs to be fired immediately. You go to bank manager too & explain what is going on & that this thief not to have access to mom’s a/c s . Also get in touch w area on aging. Contact that attorney immediately & file complaint against him if he does not declare null & void the inclusion of criminal caregiver. You have a lot of work to do. Also file police report & have criminal caregiver arrested. Hugs 🤗
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OP has not been back
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This is elderly abuse- report it.
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See an attorney.
There is a legal term I heard once, called:
"Alienation of affection". I do not know if this applies here.
There are also 4th amendment rights securing "family's rights to association".
There is also the fact that with dementia, a person is deemed incompetent to execute a POA, assign an executor, etc. The caregiver and ex-sister in law likely did all this after your Mom was not able to do this competently.
There is also a likely conflict of interest in caregiver's involvement beyond the scope of an employee.

Imo, the very least you, as family, should do is require accountability, and make a visit to the attorney consulted.

If I had these concerns, I would phone the district attorney and ask some questions.

Disclaimer: Not an expert, not an attorney.
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MargaretMcKen May 2019
'Alienation of affection' was a 19th Century 'scare' action that husbands used to take against the wife's lover. Probably not relevant here!
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This question was first asked in March, there were answers through March and April. The old answers have been added to this apparently new question asked today. The OP did not post again after the question, and there is absolutely nothing on the OP’s profile. There is no point in repeating all the suggestions given in March and April if OP is not involved. Very confusing!
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