How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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I am going to ask this outright. I couched in another thread. But I am asking outright.

I can't be the only one dealing with this. This is a form of PTSD. My cousin said so. A grief counselor did.

How do you get past the end of life very graphic images? These are haunting me, quite frankly.

I am not special by any means. There are so many of us who just muddle through. Like the old pinball games. Bump into this, bump into that. We don't get any points for it.

Does this ever get better? Is it time limited? Mine is real fresh. Not yet 24 hours. I want to know there is an endpoint here, or what I should expect.

End of Life Grief

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USCG: I feel for you and am so sorry that you're in pain. God only gives us what we can handle even though it sometimes seems like a MOUNTAIN. Believe me, I've hurdled some mountains myself so I know that it's not easy.

Please do not take this the wrong way, but I hope and pray that the following may help you. 3. Romans 8:17-18 And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later

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I think about this. My mom is home with me. This could be me.

I am so sorry for loss and your suffering. Have not read all of the answers so if you said already, forgive me. Have you spoken to a grief counselor? It helps. Even with counseling it takes time to work through grief.

I hope you find peace very soon. Hugs!

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tlhanger, I can picture that. The image brought tears to my eyes.

I'm sorry for you. But try looking at it this way. She saw something beautiful before she died. What more can any of us ask for during our last moments.

((((hugs))))

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One year ago today, mom died in our living room set up by hospice. That night she struggled to turn around and look at the sky or the lake. When I heard her I went to comfort her and change her and found she had taken off all the skin on her shin and it was bleeding. I laid the skin back on and tied it up with gauze. She wasn't fully awake. I sat there for awhile and walked back to the end of the room where our bed was. When I woke a few hours later she was gone, but had totally turned herself around again to see the sky or the lake. She died like that.

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My sons father passed in August of 2015 he had oral cancer I kept with his sister at her house. We had not been together for about 20 years but to me we still shared a 24 yr old son. My father passed on Dec 25 2015 in Miami I hadn’t seen him in 10 years, my mom was in No in Miami they were married 65 years. I moved mom to ohio I had to put her in nh she needed hoyer lift she needed 24 hr care. My healthy brother who was my rock really paid for me to bring home, brother had massive heart attack passed on March 23 2017 Mom passed on March 29 six days later. Hospice was a great help to us. Please please trust me it gets better. Remember God never gives us more than you handle. I will pray for you

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Thank you for your helpful replies. I have had to take a break from this forum for a bit. No. I will not be sharing the graphic images. I don't want to traumatize anyone else. This is something we all have to muddle through. As some other posters have said, there are so many things you have to do at the end, that the grief bomb can't prevent you from doing what you have to do. Hospice will provide the counseling.

Thank you all.

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Time is a great healer but so is getting our mind on something else. I suggest going through the old family photos and using them to relive more pleasant memories. Try to remember the day the photo was taken, how you felt on that day, what did you or the family eat? I use Microsoft's OneNote to take a photograph and write a story about it. The kids love it now and I think they may love those "documented" photos more in future years. For me, the process transports me out of present pain and allows me to release stress.

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It does feel like a nightmare and then there is the shell shock. Then there are the things that have to be done immediately to get you through the funeral service and take care of your loved one a final time. I didn't go to counseling immediately; I didn't have the time. But the process of having to do some of these things helped me to move through my feeling of helplessness at the end and focus on the bigger picture of a live well lived. 3 months later, I may be ready for grief counseling. Yes, everything fades with time.

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My Mom suffered more than one stroke. As they kept coming, my Dad and I knew she wouldn't recover. We made the decision to take her off life-support after we have gathered the few other family members to say goodbye. I had to be strong for my Dad. We took things one day at a time (per his 'program') and for the first few weeks only did what was necessary. I lived in a different state at the time, so after awhile, I came and took him to stay with me during the first holidays without my Mom. He returned home, 6 months later, a little stronger once he and I had dealt with things together. We each still miss my Mom in our own way but it's much better together. Find a friend, counselor, neighbor or family to help. When my grandfather passed away and my grandmother was winding down, she said of the people you love , "You never stop missing them, you only get used to it." I know now what she meant.
God Bless you on your journey,

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Dr Bach Rescue Remedy will help you. A few drops in each cup of juice or just rubbed on wrist or behind ears every hour or 2. Its available at most big pharmacies and supermarkets in the vitamin dept. Also on Amazon. You can read about it online.. All natural. It will help you to regain your balance.

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Yes it does help. Also the hyland brand of homeopathic remedies work very well.

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Think on the things that make you glad,
Not on the things that make you sad.
Bring your thoughts into captivity,
Remember the happy times.
This works for me.

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You go to Lord, thy God in prayer.

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Sone of us don't feel the same as you or believe as you. If he is so great why have I lived in pain for years and nothing medically can be done now even the pain medication that gave me some peace is being taken away because the government is trying to run the Medical profession.

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Try to focus your thoughts away from those painful images. Do the best that you can. This is easier said than done.

These memories could bother you for a long time . . . But they will recede somewhat.

Death is frightening, but you were there for her. She was comforted by your presence. This is why we are called “survivors.” Because they get to go and we have to go on. It is a real blessing for her that you were there to see her through. What a wonderful angel you were when she needed you.

Several months after Mom died I had to run out of a movie theater when confronted by a comedic representation of something that happened during her death. It wasn’t funny to me.

Every once in a while, now several years out, I will be startled and upset, triggered by some image.

Do your best to be kind and understanding to yourself. What makes you feel better? Be gentle and thoughtful to yourself. Take comfort in knowing there are many of us going through the same thing.

I hope someone is there there for me someday like you were there for your mom.

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I am very sorry for your loss. However your mind is going through so much right now. You need to give yourself time to grieve who you lost. Grieving is a huge process it’s a very complicated experience to go through. I am still going through it and it’s been almost three years now. I have a horrible image in my head that is never going to subside I don’t think. No matter how many therapists I talk too it’s not going away. One therapist did tell me bc I suffered a trauma that maybe I every time I remember the horrible things I snap a rubber band around my wrist. To snap away the bad thoughts. I tried it but it didn’t work for me bc my loss was catastrophic in a nature it’s very hard for me or anyone that was with me to process.
I really try to remember the good times we shared the funny things we laughed about. The nice photos not the horrible experience of her death and her dying.
You have a long way too go before you may be able to see a little bit of a light. Grief and seeing death is one of life’s greatest challenges. You have to give each day as it is given to you and TRY to push through.
Seek a therapist now rather than wait. Getting help long before you really need it is key.
I wish you the best.

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HI there....here is what helped me... reliving how bad it was and how much suffering I saw made it possible to say that my 98 year old mother was truly better off when it was over. I think nature shows us these horrors to take some of the sting out of the ultimate end that comes to those we love. I got any of the pix I took near the end off my phone, did not have any viewing or big funeral , and then put together an album of pix of my mom in better days. I think working on that album really helped. Hospice was great too... Keep busy, get your life back, and know that all of the pain and misery you witnessed is over. The body afterward is just an empty vessel and someday we will all find out what happens next m.j

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I work in medicine, and often tell older patients when they explain they don't care to live a healthier life as they are close to death that 'death is merely a passing from one room to another...its the suffering one wants to avoid . And living a healthy lifestyle will help to minimize suffering"
You are a positive person, i am sure you uplift many

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I had the same problem as you after a co-worker committed suicide and I saw him before the emergency crews arrived. The images going through my mind kept me awake at night and made it difficult to concentrate during the day. A counselor was available and I took the time to speak with her. Her advice was to push aside the traumatic images whenever they appeared and replace them immediately with images of happier times with the person. It took a concentrated effort to do this, and it really did work. Just be persistent with it and I hope you'll find relief faster than you think. 'Sending a big (((HUG))) to you!

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PTSD from watching your loved one suffer and die can be crippling. Fortunately, I found a great counselor who treats ptsd with a method called EDMR (if I got order of initials correctly). I don't understand exactly how it works, but it has for me. It sounds like that your painful memory is lodged in the part of the brain where the emotion is. With some hand movements and eye movements, it "feels" like the memory jumps from that part of the brain to another part of the brain that has the memory only, no emotion. The memory is still there, but I am not terrified as I used to be when I recalled it. The emotion attached to the memory is so lessened that in my case, I don't panic anymore
I would highly recommend you look for a therapist who is well versed in this treatment and get more information on it. I'm sure you can also google more information about it. And a good counselor can always be a helpful source for you to vent and get some good coping strategies. Blessings
Bottom line, you don't have to paralyzed by your nightmares. Blessings.

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Segoline,

Since I am new to these forums, I am just going to just jump in here. I have not faced what you have yet, my mom is just in beginning stages of dementia and decline, so I am reaching out to prepare for what is to come and came across your post. What I want to say is thank you and congratulations for your willingness to share your struggle. I spent some time as a trained lay counselor for my church, and I can say without a doubt that sharing your struggle with others can help you, but it also helps others like myself to prepare for what may be to come before long. It takes strength to reach out, so my biggest encouragement to you would be to know you have that strength, and that it will help you to get past this. One of the things I learned in my counseling times were that there are some things in life we cannot go around — we must go through them. As we do, we find ways to grow and to help others if we look for them, which while it will not take away our pain completely, it can help and be used for the positive for others. You have already gotten great advice here, but remember to celebrate you mom every chance you get. Life is so much more than just what happens in the end of it.

Thank you for your example — even amidst your struggle.

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Thank you for your excellent response, DennisRice.

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I won't be as eloquent as others, but the first thing I thought when I saw your post was that every time the thought of my Mom in that last horrible month comes to mind, I just immediately try to replace it quickly with one of her in earlier years.

I just tell myself, there were many more positive months and moments and activities . Pretend to be looking at old photos and you are choosing the happier ones to look at.

I lost Mom in March after a stroke, 10 yrs of vascular dementia and a major heart attack in between. We sort of starting " losing" her when the dementia began, so in some ways it was a slow loss, but that last month was the worst. Without going into details, it involved strife in sibling dynamics, complete difference of opinion with physicians, inept caregivers, age discrimination, etc, etc.

Anyway, I hope you can try to load your mind with happier times. It sure isn't easy.

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Great advice! I do the same. I've trained my brain to instantly think of a happy memory when my loved ones were healthy. It works. Hoping you find peace soon.

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Everyone's situation is different, but there are some good suggestions here. The bottom line is, it DOES get better. We don't forget but time eases the sharp edges and pain somewhat. I was with my Dad when he passed and it took me over a year to remember what "normal" Dad looked like. Even when I dreamed about him, he was sickly. I think the suggestion about having old, happier photos of the person is a great idea - wish I would have done that. I used to wish that the world would just stop for awhile until I could catch my breath! There is no time limit and don't ever let anyone try to guilt you into one - everyone grieves in their own way and in their own time. Best wishes

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This sounds very difficult, but I'm sure these haunting images will lesson more and more over time.

One idea I have would be to display, carry or just look at photos from earlier times.

I have lately been thinking about different times in my mother's life. She was a vibrant and sometimes difficult person who loved her children fiercely. She's still alive but compromised by dementia, and it's not the same mom. It's very hard to accept all of this, at any stage.

But I do think that displaying some photos from happier times in the past could possibly help you to start replacing those traumatic images.

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So true, I'd forgotten about how daring & motivated my mother was, (even in her 70's). Then I got out some photos, of her rollerblading & snowmobiling...now I feel even stronger myself!

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What I do with horrific images of my loved ones is draw them. It's a relief. You don't have to be good at art, just getting it down on paper seems to help people. Also, I think it is good to have expressed it here, but also to talk about it with others. We tend to hide away death experiences because they are difficult. I think these are important moments in our lives and they don't go away for that reason, kind of like a recurring dream. So sorry you are going through this.

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So interesting, drawing is a great idea for some.

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It's been 37 years since my dad pasted away. He died at home, and I stayed with him to the end. (Yes, I was daddy's little girl) It wasn't a very pleasant end for him at first, body thrusting, etc..,but then came the clam, and silence. I was wetting my father's lips when he opened his eyes and looked right at me. I have not forgotten that look till this very day. It was so haunting! It's hard to explain, but it was very disturbing, and I wish I could forget. But I haven't.
Yes, I spoke to my pastor about it, but I really didn't get much comfort from his comments, that our eyes are our souls, if that's the case, my dad looked petrified. Not very comforting. I pray your experience wasn't that painful, and peace comes to you and your family soon. ❤️

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Gosh, I'm so sorry for that image you have of your dad. Maybe try talking to hospice workers about it, or grief counselors. They may have met others with similar experience, & could offer you comfort.

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It's been 11 months and I still struggle, but not as often. I have been assured to just let time take care of it, but the images come back of better days for mom, and how she struggled at the end, and it hurts.

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It is sooo hard and I feel your pain. Try not to let others push you back into the rat race until you are ready. That is what happens these days. Take comfort in caring friends and family. I think the one thing I realized after my Dad passed was I would have to learn how to live with the loss and images and it takes a while. I had to own it. I don't know if this helps. sending some cyber hugs. Take care of yourself.

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My dad died in 1987 & I still have bad images in my head but not as often.
when it happens to me I try to think about him talking to me & laughing with me then it seems to overpower the bad thoughts @ images. Be patient with yourself.

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I thought it was just me...yeah, I keep thinking of how my dad looked. He was orange and the death rattle was brutal. Luckily, the whole ordeal didn't last too long, but it seemed like FOREVER. And Cleveland Clinic kept treating him, even though it was OBVIOUS that he was going to die very, very soon! (He was only in hospice less than 8 hours. And WE - the family - are the ones who insisted they send him to hospice. It was very traumatic.) It has been a year and a half. Sorry I don't have any advice, but just wanted to commiserate.

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Any hospital has to treat unless the responsibility party says stop. In our case, the palliative care team ,Hillcrest CLeveland Clinic were fantastic but because my mother refused to agree to stop treatment and go with comfort care, after both they and all of my stepfather ‘s doctors suggested it, they had to continue aggressive( and worthless) treatment. Eventually, the time Medicare would pay , since he had no chance of improving, ran out.

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First of all I want to say I’m so sorry for your loss.
I was there when my mom died in the ICU. Everyone’s experience in those last hours are all different. My mom was very lucid in her last hours. Telling me all the things she wanted to say to me. She reminded me to take good care of my handicap brother. It was hard for me to see her in bed and knew that she knew her time was coming. I have a lot of images in my mind of how she looked in the bed. While she was talking it was like a blur to me. So sad that she was well aware that she would not be going home.
So when I moved into her home to care for my brother everything was so sad. I quickly took out pictures of her when she was younger. Of her and her 10 children, happy times. But still those images flash before my eyes. Sometimes, I think I see her in her chair.
I take it one day at a time and think of the happy times and focus on that, as hard as it may be.
All my love and hugs go to you to give you the strength to carry-on one day at a time . ❤️

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I think this is impossible to answer as everyone will have their own images to deal with. Maybe you should be more blunt and tell us what images it is that are distressing you, perhaps speaking them and getting support would help. Maybe it wouldn't that is a "gamble" only you can decide on whether you want to take, being open and saying what the images are as a way of not having them bottled in your head. I have been fortunate in that the two people I have sat with as they died both passed after long illnesses in a relatively peaceful manner and I never think of them as they were then but as I knew them. I totally understand this is very fortunate and others have terrible memories mixed with guilt and other parts of grief, I do send you my deepest condolences on your loss, but can only suggest you are completely open and let those images out.

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Good idea TaylorUK.

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There are so many questions I would like to ask, such as what your relationship was like prior to the illness. My husband died of frontal temporal lobe dementia last November. He was 84. . I mourn for two men-the first was the strong, handsome, loving, thoughtful and rational man, and the other, a confused, irrational and often violent man who frightened me and whose intimate needs were overwhelming. I was his 24/7 caregiver-exhausted and not in great health myself. I still grieve for both. I am terrified of the same thing happening to me and what that will do to my family. Yet I mourn daily and have sudden waves of the deepest sorrow, that are devastating. But-I am learning, through Hospice counseling, which has been free of charge, and by reading two books that have been particularly helpful, to give myself permission each day to shed my tears, to quietly mourn. The grief can hit me at times that are least expected and can sometimes be paralyzing. Please read "Permission to Mourn" by Tom Zuba and "Healing After Loss" by Martha Hickman. You are on your own path and no one can tell you how long that path will or should be. I find that spending time outside helps me, and talking to him. I am feeling so guilty, angry, sad, lonely and many more emotions. Let them flow over you and one day they will flow through you. Warm hugs.

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Another thing I did to get the bad images out of my head was immediately picture my MIL holding our baby on her chest at her farm. Think of her cooking fried green tomatoes on her massive cast iron skillet. You get the idea. Photo bomb you're head. It helps!

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How do you get past the end of life very graphic images?

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