Are you sure you want to exit? Your progress will be lost.
Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
✔
I acknowledge and authorize
✔
I consent to the collection of my consumer health data.*
✔
I consent to the sharing of my consumer health data with qualified home care agencies.*
*If I am consenting on behalf of someone else, I have the proper authorization to do so. By clicking Get My Results, you agree to our Privacy Policy. You also consent to receive calls and texts, which may be autodialed, from us and our customer communities. Your consent is not a condition to using our service. Please visit our Terms of Use. for information about our privacy practices.
Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
Share a few details and we will match you to trusted home care in your area:
I agree angels the people who care on here have to have been chosen when I look at my siblings I ask myself sometimes "would I really trust any of them to look after her?" eh NO! Im not overly religious but went to see a medium who told me straight off "forgive your sisters and you will be happy" I was furious after but she was right forgiveness is not for them but for me I will do what I can for mum and they can live with the guilt dont get me wrong forgiving them is not going to be easy but I just want the anger and hatred i feel to stop so now i back away i discuss zip with them and do what i can do for mum i havnt fully forgiven yet but I will but then move on from them. I could look after mum no problem if they were more supportive but they are not so if mum has to go to NH it will not be my choice but the only solution they have given me as heartbreaking as it will be for me I will let them know that mum is in a NH because of them and not me and they will have to live with that! In the last 4yrs things happened to me to stop me leaving here an accident then a burst appendix etc... now looking back it was HELL but I think it all happened for a reason I was meant to be here and get mum the diagnosis and care she needed? honestly I thought at one stage someone had put a curse on me I was having some much bad luck even my doctor felt sorry for me and couldnt believe such bad luck. So yes FATE I am where I am supposed to be for now?
I have been alone for every operation. my sister is NEVER there. you just got to do Like I do and realize YOU ARE SPECIAL. This is what God wants and you and I will be rewarded for our compassion and loyalty to your parent. We can't change people and they are the pathetic ones. Sorry to throw God in if your not religious but I really do believe God or no God we are better people.
Totally agree with hope22 the stress of trying to understand how they could be so selfish its not worth it. Living in mums home is more difficult as you have to let them stay here its not your house. Geewiz I really DONT agree with you I will not be keeping in touch with my siblings when this journey ends the stress is affecting my health now and they couldnt careless as ive said mum is hard work but being disregarded by siblings when my health is deteriorating is unforgivable I could never treat another human being this way and cant wait to "cut them off". I had an angiogram today NOONE called to see how it went? I now have to BEHAVE at xmas when they all come to visit and do nothing? But for my own health and future I have to let the anger and hurt go and as Hope says now you do what it takes for your mum and forget about them and what they are at, its not worth it!
I would also like to add about the part of your comment that this has been forced on you. Others stated that it was your decision. I can relate to how you feel. I may be our decision but that decision came from a place of love and devotion. My mom always since I was younger, made me promise that I would never let her go into a nursing home. It is a promise that no parent should insist that their child make, yet I made it with the exception that if I am no longer able to care for her myself. I don't know where that line is to be drawn though. Is it when her health is to deteriorated for me to do the things she needs or when my health is too deteriorated to do the things she needs. She thinks the line should never be drawn and keeps making me reassure her except she keeps forgetting the exception part and acting like I have cut her with a knife when I remind her of it. I know everyone will say to draw the line at my own heath limits but I am just going to play it one day at a time, whichever comes first. I also want to add that part of the anger I felt and still do, just dealing with it, comes from the thought that I have given up my life for her. I had a child that really didn't leave home until he was thirty. He had many problems and kept returning home. I took my parents in before he left. The transition overlapped, they came in, he left and there was never any me time in between. I think all parents look forward to the day their children leave the nest and then they can enjoy the rest of their time doing things for themselves again. That never happened for me. It was him, then them, now her. It have never been about me and by the time it is, I will be too old and sick to do anything. I am almost there already. This bothers me a lot. I feel like mine and my hubby's lives are just wasting away. Sorry about rattling on, just feels better to get things out sometimes. Anyway, I hope that you find some kind of help or comfort here. Love.
I think I have closed myself off from my 4 brothers and 4 sils. They do nothing. Claim they can't afford gas to come visit her but yet can afford it for where ever else they want to go. Mom leaves with me. 3 of them leave about 30 mins away, but we rarely see any of them. They either can't afford it or they are too busy or they are too sick. I call BS on all of it. I am disabled and my hubby is too. We have very little income and get no financial assistance from mom. I think I have decided to just write them off and stop thinking about them. If they visit, they visit, if they don't, that is their problem. It saddens me when mom talks about their lack of love for her but I can't do anything about it, I tried to no avail, so I just reassure her that I love her and I am here for her. She is not alone in this, even though she feels like she is. As it was with Dad, when she is gone, I will know that I did all I could and yes they will be sad for a bit but then they will just go back to their lives just as they are now. So be it. I suggest you follow suit or it will drive you crazy. Try to find assistance elsewhere. I still haven't found any but who knows what tomorrow holds, only God. Much love being sent your way.
Lizzy48, I know that feeling: the tight-lipped rage and indignation when they give you all that about how they're busy, they've got too much on as it is, they haven't got time. They had time to go to China for three weeks. Time for a week on the South Coast. Time for a week in the country. They had time to go to The Hague in Holland for a birthday party..! It's not about time, it's about what you choose to do with it. If they've got more interesting choices than caring for our mother, that's fine with me and does no harm to her - what I can't stand is the whining about how hard it is for them.
I am in a similar (but different) situation. Bottom line is that I have happily and non-regretfully cut-out my siblings. I have zero desire to maintain any relationship with them at all. I dont feel any sense of loss, only a sense of relief that I dont have to effort to be civil on holidays. Its freeing. I have learned in just over 2 years that they will *never* have the sense of responsibility that I do, and that they are totally OKAY WITH THAT. Your going to need to make peace with that however you choose. And however you choose will be the perfect way for YOU.
Lizzy I quit trying to keep my brother informed about our mom. I figured if he was interested he'd ask. Guess what? He never asks. So it saves me the time of keeping him informed and the anger over his disinterest. I have two female cousins who are more interested in how my mom is doing, so I vent to them and it works well for me. So find some friends who care and quit trying to change your brother. You'll be MUCH happier.
My father passed away 2 weeks ago. My brother and his partner left right after service because of work and other commitments. I am moving my mother to my area in wasington state from california. My problem is i call my brother to discuss some the issues happening with her or to just talk and they dont have time for me. Or they say i am being a martyr. I than see on facebook which i shouldnt look at that they were to busy to talk with me because they were out with friends. I am so angry and resentful and dont know how to deal with it.
My sister and I haven't seen Mother in 10 months. My sister tried to take care of her for 6 weeks and it was nothing but anger outbursts and personal attacks. In the NH, now, mom seems reasonable. I e-mail her and send her packages. She calls me once a week. Whatever my relationship is with mom, is mine alone.
My deceased sister chose to try to put up with Mother, and Mother out lived her. I felt that she needed to back off. She probably felt that I needed to help, more. But, she never said that. My sister hovering over Mother, just delayed Mother being forced to make a move where she could get medical care and nutrition.
DebinRaleigh, the other posters have given good advice about the sibling issues. You can try to influence their behavior, but you cannot control it, and for your own sake you need to let it go.
I want to comment on the "having this responsibility imposed on you," factor.
In some sense you are correct. You did not volunteer for your mother to need care. This need arose with no input from you or any of your siblings. Mother didn't get a say in this either. The need for care was "imposed" on you all. I get that. I did not volunteer to have a dependent instead of an equal partner, and my husband's dementia was "imposed" on me.
But in another sense, the impairments only impose on your Mother. She is the one with no choice. Everyone else in the family gets to chose how to deal with her health. Your siblings -- local and otherwise -- and you get to decide your own actions about this. Your local sibling has decided to not be involved, to focus on her own busy life. You decided to move Mother into your guest house.
No one can impose this kind of burden/opportunity/effort on you without your permission. You DECIDED to let Mom live in your guest house. You DECIDED to give up your job to take care of her. You see it as an imposition and I'm suggesting that you recognize it as your decision. This gives you back your power. It enables you to make other decisions, or to continue this decision. This is not an obligation, a legal requirement, an imposition, or out of your control. It is your decision.
Why did your sister make the decision she did? It doesn't really matter. She has the same rights that you do. She can make her own decisions. You don't have to like her decisions, but you have no power to change them.
Actually, your sister might be making the healthier choice. People who were abused or neglected in childhood are not really expected to take care of their abusers in their old age. Yes, it is the decent thing to see that your mother has good care, but it may not be healthy for you to provide this care directly yourself.
Seeing her in a care center might be best for all concerned -- you, your husband, your sister, and even your mother. I'm not telling you to do this, but I am telling you that is one of the options open to you as you make conscious decisions.
So much great advice..I read it and understand it clearly. But, on a day that I am tired I can't understand why they would not atleast want to give me a break. Blannie you said it ..They really just don't care. One mother can take care of 6 children but 6 kids won't take care of one mother. Assandacch7.......I'm #6. LOL
Wow. I could write a book on this one. The best advice I can give here is to let it go. I have been through the arguing, begging, made to feel like I am being unreasonable for even asking for help when, after all, I am living here in HER HOUSE so what have I got to complain about.....(My home is about to be foreclosed on because I can no longer continue paying on it as I cannot afford a caregiver and cannot work outside the home ...Mom needs constant supervision) so I am the selfish one, the rude one, the hateful one..the one who has changed....I have changed....
"BUT I finally realize, the only one who is hurting to hang on to the anger is ME....They don't help financially, emotionally, etc. and are not going to....I can't explain it, but finally realized I was going to go crazy trying to figure it out. I now take extreme joy in being with and caring for my Mom, knowing that I am here for her, and just leaving them to their own devices....Because in the end all that will matter is that my Mom was very well taken care of and very happy and knew how loved she was...and i will be able to know I did all that I could...and that is the only way I will be able to deal with it when I lose her...which I cannot bear the thought of...It's a hard hard and very lonely road....probably the hardest I will ever have....but there are also such moments of complete and absolute joy and peace of mind and soul that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be....
I have been told that our expectations of things, others gets us in to trouble. Let it go, no one person has all the answers, the reasons why may or may not ever be known. The point is we take care of ourselves and take care of our parent because we want to and forget about why no one else is stepping in, there are many reasons why they don't want to and if we choose to care for our parent then it is our choice, we can walk away too, it does no good to judge why others do or don't do what they do. We just don't know, so I don't think anymore why my sister has chosen not to be involved, I am not angry, I was disappointed but that is because she chose to do what was right for her, that is her right. Pain is a part of life but suffering is optional.
It has taken years of begging, pleading, crying, anger, resentment...and ya know what? I have been the only one in pain about it. It is sad. One bro even said recently-that when I took this on, he thought we all signed up too... Funny, we were talking about a sibling who does less than he does-which isn't much and it almost made me barf that he was thinking he has been any better than this other sib! I won't cause a rift in the fam-well, at least I have tried not to... sibs are all in tack but one sis in law is not happy with me. Oh well. It is our mother. How do you get past the anger? Well, I am still working on it and I have had mom for 13 years with 9 in my home. I think I am coming to the conclusion that everyone in my family, altho blood related-are not all alike. They do not have the same feelings of empathy, love and responsibility for mom. I was sure they did when this all started so I had expectations of them that were not realistic. I am learning a lot about myself, and I like who I am and what I have done for mom. When I am tired and really need a break-I get angry... I guess it is something I have to work on daily. Some days are better than others. More than angry, today I am sad for them. For all they are missing. But all the emails and phone calls asking them how long do they think she will be around-and don't they want a relationship didn't work. I guess I have beaten my head against the wall for too long-but I have stopped asking/begging/suggesting. The anger rears its ugly head here and there but with time, I hope will go away. Family dynamics have changed... and will never be what they were. It is what it is and all the anger in the world isn't going to change it. Please find help from outside services and don't be afraid to send the sibs the bill. If they freak out-tell them you have no other choice. If they would like to come help fine-but if not-you still need help. You are not selfish asking and screw them if they think so. The anger is only hurting you cause they just don't get it or don't care or whatever. You can hang on to it as long as you want...I just hope for myself and you that we can let it go cause it is doing us no good! Good luck to you!
Pixiegirl I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine about my brother's lack of visits to see our mom. He lives in another state and hasn't been here for at least three years. My mom is almost 94. Other people always say, "Oh so and so will feel bad when their parent is gone." I don't think they will. I think some people just don't care now and won't care when their relative is gone either. I've given up trying to understand why. My relationship with my mom is my relationship. My brother's relationship (or lack thereof) is HIS relationship with my mom. That's for the two of them to work out. I can't control it. When I tried, it just made ME angry and sad and frustrated. It didn't affect my brother one whit. I finally figured that out and so changed myself. Now he's happy (and uninvolved) and I'm happy and doing it all for my mom. When she dies, I'll be happy and he'll still be happy and I'm OK with that. And when he expects help from me if he or his wife get ill, he'll be in for a sad surprise. Because I won't care about that.
Assandache7, I know you advice is true. I asked for help and they called me selfish. I am sure if they are ever going to care about Mom if when she is gone.
I accept that they are not going to help but stuggle with why they just don't care.
All you can do is ask for help... If they refuse you have to do what makes you feel good about yourself... They will have to live with their selfishness when Mom passes. You will be able to know you did the best you could to keep her happy and safe...
I've been there and feel the same way some days... But it's been 12yrs with my Mom living with me and any interference from them now would not be appreciated. If I turned my back on my Mom I couldn't live with myself. So I need to continue caring for her... She needs me... Even though some days she doesn't realize it...LOL..
I wish I had the answer to this question. I ask the question every few days when I feel down and out. I get angry because I am working so hard and my sibilings are doing whatever they want to do without a care in the world.
Here is the advice I received when I asked someone the same question: When your Mom is gone, your siblings will still be there. Don't cut them off. AND don't expect much from them, that way you won't be disappointed. Good luck
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Im not overly religious but went to see a medium who told me straight off "forgive your sisters and you will be happy" I was furious after but she was right forgiveness is not for them but for me I will do what I can for mum and they can live with the guilt dont get me wrong forgiving them is not going to be easy but I just want the anger and hatred i feel to stop so now i back away i discuss zip with them and do what i can do for mum i havnt fully forgiven yet but I will but then move on from them. I could look after mum no problem if they were more supportive but they are not so if mum has to go to NH it will not be my choice but the only solution they have given me as heartbreaking as it will be for me I will let them know that mum is in a NH because of them and not me and they will have to live with that!
In the last 4yrs things happened to me to stop me leaving here an accident then a burst appendix etc... now looking back it was HELL but I think it all happened for a reason I was meant to be here and get mum the diagnosis and care she needed? honestly I thought at one stage someone had put a curse on me I was having some much bad luck even my doctor felt sorry for me and couldnt believe such bad luck. So yes FATE I am where I am supposed to be for now?
Geewiz I really DONT agree with you I will not be keeping in touch with my siblings when this journey ends the stress is affecting my health now and they couldnt careless as ive said mum is hard work but being disregarded by siblings when my health is deteriorating is unforgivable I could never treat another human being this way and cant wait to "cut them off". I had an angiogram today NOONE called to see how it went? I now have to BEHAVE at xmas when they all come to visit and do nothing? But for my own health and future I have to let the anger and hurt go and as Hope says now you do what it takes for your mum and forget about them and what they are at, its not worth it!
My deceased sister chose to try to put up with Mother, and Mother out lived her. I felt that she needed to back off. She probably felt that I needed to help, more. But, she never said that. My sister hovering over Mother, just delayed Mother being forced to make a move where she could get medical care and nutrition.
So, all circumstances are different.
I want to comment on the "having this responsibility imposed on you," factor.
In some sense you are correct. You did not volunteer for your mother to need care. This need arose with no input from you or any of your siblings. Mother didn't get a say in this either. The need for care was "imposed" on you all. I get that. I did not volunteer to have a dependent instead of an equal partner, and my husband's dementia was "imposed" on me.
But in another sense, the impairments only impose on your Mother. She is the one with no choice. Everyone else in the family gets to chose how to deal with her health. Your siblings -- local and otherwise -- and you get to decide your own actions about this. Your local sibling has decided to not be involved, to focus on her own busy life. You decided to move Mother into your guest house.
No one can impose this kind of burden/opportunity/effort on you without your permission. You DECIDED to let Mom live in your guest house. You DECIDED to give up your job to take care of her. You see it as an imposition and I'm suggesting that you recognize it as your decision. This gives you back your power. It enables you to make other decisions, or to continue this decision. This is not an obligation, a legal requirement, an imposition, or out of your control. It is your decision.
Why did your sister make the decision she did? It doesn't really matter. She has the same rights that you do. She can make her own decisions. You don't have to like her decisions, but you have no power to change them.
Actually, your sister might be making the healthier choice. People who were abused or neglected in childhood are not really expected to take care of their abusers in their old age. Yes, it is the decent thing to see that your mother has good care, but it may not be healthy for you to provide this care directly yourself.
Seeing her in a care center might be best for all concerned -- you, your husband, your sister, and even your mother. I'm not telling you to do this, but I am telling you that is one of the options open to you as you make conscious decisions.
Blannie you said it ..They really just don't care.
One mother can take care of 6 children but 6 kids won't take care of one mother.
Assandacch7.......I'm #6. LOL
"BUT I finally realize, the only one who is hurting to hang on to the anger is ME....They don't help financially, emotionally, etc. and are not going to....I can't explain it, but finally realized I was going to go crazy trying to figure it out. I now take extreme joy in being with and caring for my Mom, knowing that I am here for her, and just leaving them to their own devices....Because in the end all that will matter is that my Mom was very well taken care of and very happy and knew how loved she was...and i will be able to know I did all that I could...and that is the only way I will be able to deal with it when I lose her...which I cannot bear the thought of...It's a hard hard and very lonely road....probably the hardest I will ever have....but there are also such moments of complete and absolute joy and peace of mind and soul that I know I am exactly where I am supposed to be....
"Out of sight, out of mind"
My Mom doesn't ask about them so they don't ask about her..(that's 4 of my 6 siblings) total 7... I'm # 7
Please find help from outside services and don't be afraid to send the sibs the bill. If they freak out-tell them you have no other choice. If they would like to come help fine-but if not-you still need help. You are not selfish asking and screw them if they think so. The anger is only hurting you cause they just don't get it or don't care or whatever. You can hang on to it as long as you want...I just hope for myself and you that we can let it go cause it is doing us no good! Good luck to you!
I accept that they are not going to help but stuggle with why they just don't care.
I've been there and feel the same way some days... But it's been 12yrs with my Mom living with me and any interference from them now would not be appreciated. If I turned my back on my Mom I couldn't live with myself. So I need to continue caring for her... She needs me... Even though some days she doesn't realize it...LOL..