My 91 yo MIL lives in an in-law suite in our home. She needs increasing help like shopping, cleaning managing meal prep. We want to get some weekly help but she refuses to agree and agencies won't come in against her will. My husband and I work and he is feeling the strain, we both are. How do we approach this? She does have a small amount of money since she lives with us and has very little living expense.
Since your MIL lives in part of your home, there should be ways around bringing in outside help. Our mother lived alone, 1.5 hours away, making it hard to assist, or even know how much help she really needed! We tried the home aides, initially just one hour/day, mainly to check on her and ensure she took her meds (we put in a locked dispenser.) Mostly they would just chat, but one tried to do some minimal cleaning for her. The plan was to increase what they would do and how much time was needed as her dementia progressed, but this was not to be. It only lasted a few months and then she refused to let them in. So, we had to work on getting her into MC (refused help, refused to move ANYwhere, felt she was independent, could care for herself and cook!)
I would suggest having the cleaning/meal prep person come while you are home (the suggestions of calling this person a friend who is helping YOU is one I would also recommend.) Since you both still work, unfortunately that would have to be on a Saturday when you are home (it will likely cost a little more being on a weekend, but worth it to get started.) Aide comes to YOUR entrance, gets introduced as YOUR friend, here to help YOU - then you can "work" a little bit with the person while they clean and perhaps eventually prepare a light meal. If you can get her going with this, eventually you can wean yourself out of the picture, keep drifting off to take care of something on your side of the house. Once she is used to this, have the person say they cannot come on Saturday, but will be free on another day and see how that goes.
As for shopping, you have to do your own, just pick up what she needs while you get yours. That should be easy enough to do. It might take a little more time, but really does not incur a huge impact - probably less time than if she went with you to pick out her own! Also, many stores do have that order/delivery option now as well. Just having a person to take over the cleaning and maybe some meal prep will certainly help reduce your stress. Start slow, work slow, see how it goes! One other option for meal prep - include her in your meals when possible, or make enough to set aside some for her later (refrigerate for use on a subsequent day or freeze for a later day - I make meals as if I am still providing for family and then freeze most of it - doing this randomly over a week, I end up with enough meals that I do not have to cook for some time!) I did try doing this to help mom too, putting some in her freezer so she was not always eating those nasty frozen dinners, but she would not remember that she had them in the freezer, so that really did not work well for her!)
Hope something we have suggested helps! Best of luck!
The way I got around it was to tell her home support was for ME, because I have a disability now, and I was exhausted and couldn't do all the things she expected me to be able to do. And I did start small as well....AND on the premise that it was just till she was well enough to do things on her own. Now I am about to expand the home support hours we receive, because she is worsening and I am at my wit's end....but she's already accepted the workers, and likes the cheerful help she gets from them, so she is able to accept more of that help.
Later as she developed dementia I needed a break from food prep/shopping/meds/etc for her. So we started having someone come in from a service a couple times a week. At first she didn't like it and sort of pouted. But the service matched up a really great person with her and after a few times she seemed to enjoy the company.
Shortly after that though we felt her dementia was such that taking on her care was more than I could do or wanted to do. So my siblings and I found a very nice assisted living place. She wasn't happy about moving but trusted us kids to make the right decision. I am very glad she moved when she did (2 months ago), because she has become physically weaker and things are set up much better there for her. And I don't think I would have slept well with worrying about falls/periods of confusion/etc.
Good luck figuring things out. Mom pouts and gets grumpy about her loss of her life. But we kids think it is more about the fact that she wants her brain and body of 10 years ago that she is most grumpy about.
You could also try things like having groceries delivered, that is getting popular.
Have a house keeper come in and do the entire house... Hers is now just a part of what is being done?
For my former mil, who still lives in her own home at 83, about 10 years ago we had issues with grocery shopping. I would invite her to come along with me, but she only wanted to on the rare occasion, then would complain about not having any food in the house. I told her about a service offered through one of the local grocery stores, that shops on day and delivers the next. It took a couple years to get her onboard, but now she loves the service. She gets a call every Monday to get her order, the person who delivers on Tuesday puts there perishables away and leaves the rest on the counter (once a new person left the bags on the floor) for her to put away.
It was far easier to set up prescription delivery. She is fearful of running out of medication
In your case, perhaps the dementia has progressed to the point where food shopping to food prep is confusing, and she is no longer capable of managing it? Even if you buy her groceries, does she know what to do with them? Would Meals on Wheels be an option?
How long are you prepared to 'keep her at home'. are you and your husband in agreement as to what point her care will be too much to handle at home?
Has she had her dementia reassessed recently? Is she capable of understanding that if she does not accept care at home, you will have no choice but to find an A/L, M/C or nursing home for her? That may change her tune.
Edited to add: Also, START SMALL!! My MIL refused to believe they needed any help. After asking her several times and being rebuffed over and over again, my husband finally decided to stop asking and just tell her who was coming. The biggest thing she fought us over was driving, but it sounds like your MIL is beyond that already. All the other things we finally learned she would be OK with if we just did them — med management, bill paying, housekeeper, morning helper, etc. She’s finally to the point where she’s feeling SPOILED with so much help!! Which goes right along with her selfish personality. 😏
Lastly, have a talk with your husband and see if he thinks Mom is still able to live on her own. He may not want to say anything to you if he feels you wouldn’t agree. This may be causing him stress.
Good luck and let us know.