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I'm at the point where I feel fear, panic and anxiety whenever my phone rings. Of course when the group home calls it is never a good thing. They called in September that my Dad was not feeling well and needed to go to the ER. Turned out he had a UTI. This past weekend they called to say he fell, but nothing was broken, and he seemed under the weather. Or when my Dad calls its never to just say hello, he always wants something. How do you guys deal with it?

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Can relate and empathize with so many of you having the jitters when you hear the phone ring. My parent passed away a few months ago, yet I still get the jitters when the phone rings. One posting stated it took over 2 years to get over that feeling. Wow!

My parent's "weapon" was the phone. This went on for decades and was directed at many folks. In the last few years it seemed that my phone# was what she recalled best, so "tag, I was It." I had to let many calls in the last 10 years go to voicemail and as the one posting stated -- I would replay to grasp the situation first so would be prepared. It helped! I also asked for a specific time for a weekly call so I could fully focus on the conversation. Homecare aides would try to make a list on a pad of paper for her. Often there were still random calls; I'd check with the Homecare agency to try and sort out the truth/facts before I called back.
Two points to make that I hope will help others:
(1) If you hire a "pendant alert" service, request up front if they will set hours for calling for "emergency vs non-emergency" situations. If they won't, find another company. My parent's pendant-alert company would persistently call until they got me on the phone -- they said it was their policy. Also, their operators spoke very fast and it was difficult for my ears to catch what they said. I had to get blunt and ask the person to slow down and repeat. I also spoke to company supervisors and asked a note be put on my phone info to try and speak slower and more clearly. If it was hard to hear at my age, imagine what it sounded like to the person who has fallen and is trying to talk with the pendant-alert response person.
(2) When my parent moved to a nursing home, I did not install a phone which cost $60 a month. That gave her free rein to call me whenever? -- No! However, I did arrange for her most consistent Careaide to have 2-3 hours a week for a visit to take care of personal errands, check clothing and personal items, ect. The aide was willing to loan her phone for a call and would dial up my ph# on the smaller handset. She would text me first to make sure I was available for the call. Much more workable solution.

I hope that some day I'll get over those "phone jitters" but decades of calls are pretty deeply ingrained. I actually did go camping last month and left the phone in my purse some of the time . That is an accomplishment. Hugs to all of you!
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Caring42, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Just to follow up on my earlier post - shutting off the phone overnight to set sleep boundaries. Without going into all the details, this scenario came true on Thanksgiving night when I missed an 11 p.m. and a midnight call that the home agency had called 911 to take my mom to the hospital because she had been throwing up. Long story short, everything seems fine and she was not admitted. For those 3 hours when I was unaware, the helper did a great job overseeing things and my mom's demeanor was OK. So I think all in all the approach seemed to work - although I still did have a little guilt for not being on scene immediately.
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My 90 year old dad used to call a lot....and most of the time that was fine; I would read aloud to him and we had many wonderful conversations. I had to keep the laptop handy to look up information pertaining to our deep discussions However, sometimes Dad didn't realize what time he was calling. I worked out an arrangement. The number he called was my home phone. The ringer to the landline next to my bed was turned off, but I would make sure that the nursing home knew to call my cell if there was an emergency. So, he could call me anytime up to 10:30 at night. After that, he would get the answering machine and know that I was asleep. I could sleep better, because I knew that the facility could still reach me.
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I do a lot of texting - most of my calls are from mom and my aunt for whom I am partly responsible, both of whom had cancer this year and are bored and lonely and looking for support a lot. I just get to a limit of how much I can handle of the negativity and discussion of illness and death. Thanksgiving went sort of OK... I just change the subject as often as I can - would give anything if more of our family paid attention to them.
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Just flew back home after a trip to respond to the last calls from the nursing home. Broken hip; surgery. Returned to nursing home. Pneumonia; loss of swallowing response. Hospital, hospice, funeral home.

Even though his pain has ended, I so miss the calls for and from my dear Dad.
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If they do not call, there can be problems. The nursing home doctor changed my mother's meds and no one called to let us know. He assumed it was for something she didn't need, but it was really to keep fluid out of lungs and off heart. She ended up back in the hospital, and not for the original rehab she'd been there for. My brother read them the riot act, but it was too late. She went somewhere else later.
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My mom is in an assisted living facility. I programmed my home phone so that they have their own ring, same with my cell phone.
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My mom has a phone, but doesn’t call much..her sisters call her. Mom isn’t in her room much, so the sisters can call the floor and mom can use one of their phones when she’s out and about on the floor. My mom’s ringtone is Crazy Train (one of my favorite songs and sometimes my mom makes me crazy) my family knows to answer the phone if I’m not near my phone. We all work for my husband. So it’s either the Nurse calling or my mom. The nurse was kind enough to call at 7:00 AM to let me know mom slid to the floor around 4:00 AM but she was okay...she didn’t want to wake me at that hour, I was grateful.
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Yep, have to agree with prior comments. When Mom went into the SNF, her phone "broke."
So we can't "fix" it. I know my sister and I would get 3am calls, and when she has her anxiety attacks,(we are still adjusting her meds) she wants anyone nearby to call the police, because "they" are holding her captive. (She's getting good care in a quality SNF) I'm sure the 911 call centers wouldn't appreciate it either. One or both of us visits her every day,she is NOT neglected.
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You get yourself a low dose of Diazepam.
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Both of my parents were sick at the same time and they just passed 54 days between each other. I was literally jumping out of my skin when the phone rang and they were home. It got worse when dad went into an ALF and mom was in the hospital, rehab and dialysis. The calls I got for both of them were incredible...I will spare the details because they end up getting me upset and I'm working on moving forward. I turned to anti anxiety agents, in particular Xanex, at the advice of my physician . It really helped me to be able to calm down and helped me to think clearer. Yoga would have helped me as well, but with two sick parents, I really didn't have the time to practice. Sometimes a glass of wine would help me in the evenings, especially when things happened close to bedtime. It's going to take me awhile to not have the feeling of craziness with the phone. We are leaving on a cruise in two weeks and I was arranging for care for my mother while we were gone at another dialysis facility as we were going to leave her at an ALF....the dialysis place called today about her care as I forgot to call them (lots still going on) and I jumped when the phone rang. It's going to take time to lose the feeling.
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It's nice to know I am not alone. I know the group home by law has to contact me. When she called on Sunday, she said nothing was wrong, but then proceeded to tell me he fell and didn't feel well. Doesn't that still mean something is wrong? Since he still has his mental faculties taking the phone away is not an option. He had it before he went into the group home. He was calling me all the time at work. I couldn't avoid talking to him because I answer the phone. I told him to only call me at work if it is an emergency. If he wants to just tell me something call my cell and I'll get the message after work. I have a special ring tone for him so I know when it is him calling. I mute the ringer when I am at work and I check it a few times and make calls at lunch if I need to. I'm exhausted just typing that.
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wi57twin

I could have written your response. That is exactly our situation.
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Oh, I should have included this: one thing that helps with my phone anxiety is that I've assigned a different ringtone to many of the numbers in my address book. I don't think you can do this on a landline, but it's pretty easy with a cell. I've come to know from the first note of music whether it is my boss, my mom, my best friend, or the renal unit!

There are lots of places online to get ringtones, including free ones. If you are an experienced computer user, you can make your own with a free program like Audacity - you don't need to know how to use the whole program - the music shows up as a spiky graph on screen, and you just highlight and then delete everything after the first 30 seconds or so, then save it as a new mp3 file. That's what I did. It's helped my anxiety a lot!  (I even made a silent one, and every time a new telemarketer calls, I save their number with that ringtone so I never hear their calls again!  Lol.)
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An answering machine may help. Gives you a chance to delay immediately receiving a message, and prepare yourself. I found that it can shield you a bit from experiencing a jolt.
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I agree with the phone thing. My Mom forgot how to use one and never did understand a simple cell phone. but, if she was calling me all the time and being demanding I would have taken it away. My daughter is an RN and says they have to call as soon as something happens. When she worked 11 to 7 she tried to save the unemergency ones till the end of her shift. I don't sleep well. If I am finally in a dead sleep, I am disoriented when I'm woken up by the phone. My heart starts beating faster because phones only ring that early if something has happened. Then...I can't get back to sleep.
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It can get scary when someone with dementia has their own phone and begins calling people in the middle of the night. My Mom had a neighbor who went into AL and they gave her a phone...when my Mom was in a nursing home for rehab I would go to Mom's place and check the answering machine. This old neighbor had called my Mom's number 9x and left messages, some in the middle of the night, cussing my Mom out for not calling her about a condo meeting....this lady had not been living in the condos for 3 years and there was no meeting! They must have taken her phone away as the calls stopped before my Mom returned home from rehab. I would hope that when things get this way, the AL will do the calling for the person.
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My mom has home care in her own home. I have learned to establish phone boundaries, which I have shared with the home care agency. Most important: I cannot count on getting decent sleep if I know the phone could ring at 2 a.m. So...I have told them that unless my mom is dead or goes to the hospital, do not call me before 8 a.m. Then - I turn off the ringer overnight. I usually go to the bathroom once or twice during the night and will check the phone screen to see if the phone call icon displays - so far it hasn't. I have to be able to count on getting sleep as I get up for work in the morning. So this lets me do just that. Yes, I know I could conceivably miss something during these hours, but that is a chance I take - mom is relatively healthy at age 91.

During the day, if I feel the need, I will turn off the ringer and again just check the screen every 2 or 3 hours for missed calls. Like all of you, I was just getting too nerved up with calls. A lot of times voice mail gives me the update I need and I don't even have to call back. Decide what you are comfortable with and make the phone/technology work for you, not the other way around.
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AvaC42, oh my gosh, my heart skips a beat whenever I hear a phone ring on TV, and my last parent had passed over a year ago. It's interesting how at times we just can't shake sounds from the past.
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It sounds to me like it's probably time to move him to a nursing home if he can't live on his own. I don't know who's handling his money if he's always wanting something, but maybe he should be given more of an allowance or maybe even some time out of the group home to do fun things and to be away from the environment
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While my Mother-in-law just recently passed away, we, too, had those looks of dread between us whenever the calls came from the Assisted Living Center! We both took a deep breath, then answered the phone. On the consistent side, we already knew it wouldn't be good news whenever they called, but we were the adults left in charge of her care once she lost her ability to reason! So it was our responsibility to answer the call, and man-up, so to speak!  Instead of dwelling on those negative calls, please try to remember the days when your Dad was his normal former self, and dwell on those things.

"Whatever is true, honest, just, lovely, pure, of a good report, or virtuous, think on these things.". Philippians 4:8
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It is extremely startling. I always will with the punches. All great adive in comments here. I always turn my ringer volume lower and just pray for patience. I know one day the calls will stop.... Then I will miss them. God bless you and prayers for strength.
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It's good that you now only get the calls from the facility about your mom. The only way that I can handle it, is I just have myself prepared for the calls from the MC. I know my LO's condition. She could pass away or suffer some serious illness or injury at any time, so, I am prepared to hear that she has passed or is sick or injured. The injuries are less now that she is wheelchair bound, but, she still sometimes will fall trying to walk. She's been really healthy though. Blood pressure and heart are good, but, she looks feeble.

It may sound morbid, but, I run over in my mind how it will go. I have to do this, to prepare myself. So, that call that I know is coming will not shake me to the core. There is still anxiety, when I the phone rings at 3:00 a.m., I know who it is. The only question is how bad is it.
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OK, get ready for a cold-blooded answer: when I put my mom into the beautiful retirement center she now loves, I did not sign her up for a phone! She had become a nuisance and, in her dementia and delusions, was calling all sorts of groups and threatening to call a lawyer.

At that time, she was nuts and directing all or her ire at me, the one who was doing everything for her. So, no phone. When we get her on the right meds (including an anti-delusional), she calmed down and is now her old self. In the meantime, she is completely used to having no phone. I don't think she eve knows that others have phones.

When the "place" calls, the first words they say are "Mom's ok." Then I am at once calm and receptive.

Great topic, BTW!
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I know the feeling when my phone rings and it's my dad's assisted living. They start the conversation by stating it's not an emergency but still the heart rate goes up. My dad though has declined significantly over the past few months and now I'm worried I'll get a phone call that I've been dreading.
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I completely understand and am glad to see I'm not alone! I am actually relieved when I see it's a telemarketer on the caller ID and not Philips Lifeline. I think Freqflyer is absolutely correct - it's a fear of what will come next - not only how we will need to handle an emergency but if the person we care for is hurt. My anxiety level even goes up when I get a text from my brother since sometimes it will be to say that Mom isn't feeling well. I breathe a sigh of relief when it ends up being something mundane like what size long underwear he wants for Christmas...haha! And Katie22 reminded me of how I break out in a sweat when a cell phone (which has the same ringtone as mine) goes off on a TV show I watch. Geesh! I also wasn't sleeping and getting really run down so I tried an over the counter sleep aid which has helped me tremendously. At least I wake up refreshed and more ready for what the day might bring. Hugs to you!
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I basically do what Dorianne suggests...let it go to voicemail and then deal with the call accordingly, either ignoring it or calling back when my mind has processed the problem. I had terrible anxiety for a long time when I would hear a phone. I only pick up when it is very important or someone I want to talk with. I had the double whammy of the calls for my Mom from hospitals and rehab places, and a business partner, now gone, who had frequent meltdowns and a greed issues. My anxiety got to the point where I would actually yell "no!!!", if the phone rang. I learned to screen those calls. It took two years after my Mom passed away to not feel dread when I would hear a ringing phone...even in a restaurant when I knew the call could not be for me, just someone harmlessly calling the place to order take out. Voicemail is a necessity!
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Jolt of adrenaline for both myself and my husband!
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Oh also....when I first (apparently) took over my mother's health management, I got tons of phone calls all day long from all kinds of health care professionals. This drove me absolutely bonkers!! And sometimes it was for ridiculous things. (For example, the day a nurse phoned me asking if I could drop everything and run a snack over to the dialysis unit for my mom because she was hungry - it's in a hospital, I KNOW THERE'S FOOD THERE!)

I had a bit of a meltdown with the renal unit social worker, one day after receiving 4 phone calls from a nurse in the span of an hour, all to ask me to pick some meds up for mom that day because of a change. Which I could have done the next day. (Plus when I got there, they weren't supposed to be for pick-up - I was supposed to bring in mom's blister pack so they could remove one of the meds....which I could have done myself....yeah, it was a bad day. I illegally parked in a taxi zone to get to the pharmacy before it closed, too.) The SW did some intervention with a bunch of people on my behalf. I maybe get one or two calls a week now.

So if there is someone you can talk to about reducing the number of calls, it can help.  I doubt you even have to have a meltdown like I did. 
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I have always had phone anxiety. Basically unless it's my mother or my closest few friends, I normally let it go to voicemail....unless I'm expecting the call. (And before I began staying here, I had even started letting my mom go through to voicemail sometimes too, when she was getting demanding.) I almost never answer numbers I don't know. I check the voicemail right after the call. I call back as soon as I can if it's important or urgent. This way if there's something terrible going on, I have a few minutes to catch my breath and think before I return the call. If it's urgent they WILL leave a message. If they don't leave a voicemail, it's not my problem.

I'm an introvert (not really shy - just need periods of time to recharge after using up my "other people energy"). One thing I really hate about the cell phone era is everybody has this expectation now that you will be available 24/7!!! And some people get really annoyed if they can't reach you immediately! I like having a phone with me wherever I am, but I really hate this availability expectation. My "system" is designed to discourage it, lol.
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