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Nothing seems right. Food is always just okay, so I stopped asking. She is not thankful, not even showing gratitude by smiling. Nothing. I feel like she waits for me all day to finish work. It came to the point where I just leave the house by myself so I can get away. My house used to be my favourite place, now I run away from it.

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Welcome, Only!

Is this YOUR house we're talking about?

If so, then why is your mother living there? Did you invite her to move in with you?

It doesn't sound like a good arrangement. Have you considered the alternatives?

Is there a reason that she can no longer live alone?
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Onlychild196901 Aug 2023
The reason she is here is that she left my abusive father finally after 55 years of marriage. Yes, it is my house where I live with my husband. My kid is married and moved out few years ago. Life was just beginning to look nice and this happened. So hard to have one person watching me 24/7.
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You doin't say what her age is? Dementia involved? That has a lot to do with answers u get. Does Mom have money for her own place or an Assisted living. Why is she living with you.
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Onlychild196901 Aug 2023
No dementia. She is 77 and I am 54. She came from eastern Europe and her pension is not good enough to cover costs living on her own here. She could live alone back home but I don’t think that would be safe. The reason she is here is that she left my abusive father finally after 55 years of marriage.
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It’s hard to share a home with others. Even if you have the best relationship, it’s still hard at times.

I don’t know what to say about it other than I am sorry that you are going through this.

I see that she finally left her abusive husband. She may be depressed but she isn’t able to discuss it with you.

Do you think she would see a therapist? Or perhaps be open to taking medication for depression?

She is adjusting to her new life. You are adjusting to having her under foot. It’s difficult for each of you. How long has she been in your home?

Is this new behavior for her or was she more cheerful in the past?

Best wishes to you and your mom.
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Onlychild196901 Sep 2023
Hard to tell because we lived separate for a long time. Language is a barrier here and she couldn’t be able
to see therapist. What drives me nuts is that she smiles when someone else is around and I get all the sighs and negativity. I feel so down it’s affecting my life now. She is here since December 2022. I see and hope it might be an adjustment but I also had to stop unsolicited advices for anything I did. For heaven’s sake, I am a grown up woman, don’t need advice on cooking, cleaning and gardening.
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Find an assisted living place for your mom. You need to live too.
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This is a difficult situation for you. What's the long-range plan for her. Is it you? Does she have health insurance? Or is that going to be you?

What does your H think about it all?
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Onlychild196901 Sep 2023
I have no clue what the long range will be. Too expensive to have separate house. Paying for emergency health insurance but the rest is not covered. The plan is if she gets sick she goes back to her country to nursing home if it comes to that. My husband is fine, he gets out for work and is not too involved. I am the one who has to see all the sad faces and non appreciation.
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How about you get a job to get out of the house and let her cook and clean.

Two women trying to be the alpha in a home never works.

Your mother could live another 20+ years are you up for the challenge?
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It sounds as though your mom is unhappy here.

Have you looked into having her go back to her country and living there?

The current plan sounds quite unsustainable.
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Sounds like unless you want mom to go back to her home country you are stuck with mom living with you. She has language barriers that preclude her going to adult day care but maybe you can find a group in your area that connects seniors based on ethnicity that she can go to where people speak her language? I don't know just throwing out ideas on getting mom out of the house a few days a week. There's got to be something, right?

My parents always complained that my grandma wasn't happy enough or her emotions and responses weren't grateful enough, happy enough, or this and that when she lived with them. But grandma was just being grandma and my parents were just being themselves too. Had my parents accepted that they couldn't change grandma but could change their own expectations and reactions to grandma, life would have been better for them and her and grandma lived with us for 20 plus years. And my grandma was the same way with being more happy and smiling and sweet around strangers just like your mother.

If you are going to have your mother live with you until she gets sick and needs to go back to her home country for health care then you need to change your expectations about what your mother's reactions should be. Sure a smile or a thank you would make you happy and make you feel like your mom is happy but that's probably not going to happen.

I am sure you have tried talking to her about this and nothing has changed so the only thing you can do is have her move back to her home country or somehow try and accept that your mom may always have a permanent case of resting b--ch face when she is alone with you.
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Onlychild196901 Sep 2023
Thank you for honest opinion, I think you are right!
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I guess I will start by asking you-- given that you KNEW and have always KNOWN your Mom--why you thought it would be a good idea to bring her into the sanctity of your home?
Truly, for me, for most of us--I think-- a home represents the single bastion in the world we can treasure and take TOTAL COMFORT in. And now that has been thrown away.

So why did you do this? What was your thinking at the time? I think your answer might help others.

Once that is answered I guess I will say that one of the single most difficult things we see on Forum is the outcome of someone taking an elder into their home. I have yet to see someone say it has worked for them. Perhaps some will answer here to tell me I am wrong?

Two choices really. #1. Live with it. Perhaps for decades on a long slow slide down. Or #2. The dreadful honesty of saying "This cannot work for me; I must ask you to leave. I will help you, but there is no other option". This latter choice works on the relationship, on the parent, and on the child just a horrific hardship in every single way there is. But for me it would be the only choice.

We see posts like yours almost daily. And there is simply no good answer to it. None that is painless, certainly. I always say these posts serve as a warning to others. But that is so little comfort in your own suffering. I am so very sorry. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will update us on your journey whatever your choices are.
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Onlychild196901 Sep 2023
My problem is probably in thinking that once she moved in with me she will be finally the mother she was never before. Because she always catered to my abusive father. My bad, that did not happen. Maybe if I work on getting help for my mother hunger feelings will make situation bearable.
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Some people will hurt the ones that they are closest to before hurting someone else. You’re the one that she will take her frustration out on.

I hope that you will find a solution for this issue soon.
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I don’t see that she has any social interaction. Could she just be incredibly lonely and bored? Like others have said, is there an appropriate group where she could sit and be around people who speak her language? Loneliness is just such a devastating experience, even when your kids do things for you, you know it’s because they have to and you can’t do it. That doesn’t make a person "happy", it's just existence.
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Onlychild196901 Sep 2023
I understand but the language barrier is making it hard to find a social group. Plus living with controlling man for 55 years and now she doesn’t really wish to go out and meet new people at 77. I will have to figure something out at least with people from church. Wish me luck!
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My friend had her mother move in after her divorce to help with the kids (dad had already passed away). Friend worked outside the home while mom cooked, cleaned and did laundry. They each had their own sphere.

Also, maybe your mom’s unhappy faces are more a reflection of her years of abuse, moving from her home country and feeling a loss of control. Us daughters tend to take things pretty personally (I do). I wish you the best as you work through this very difficult situation.
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Onlychild196901 Sep 2023
It’s different I guess when you are busy with kids. In my case I don’t need help plus I love my life the way it was. Just me and hubby, no stress about things. Adding someone to change my whole routine seems unfair to me. I am trying to give her safe space to live in, unlike the one she had. Maybe subconsciously thats all I want to give her since she didn’t give me any emotional support when my father was abusive towards me.
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I’ve been where you are with my mom. I moved her in with me when she became disabled. And during the worst COVID year, I was stuck at home caregiving and working. She was grumpy, uncooperative, complaining, and hated when she couldn’t watch me. My office is upstairs which was inaccessible to her. Anyway, when she became further disabled, I put her in a nursing home. She was angry at first but 3 years later she’s doing fine.

You didn’t mention if your mom is disabled or has memory issues. Have you tried having a direct conversation with her about her mood and living situation? Is there someplace else she’d rather be (that can be realistically achieved)? Are you doing something she hates?

If the response is that she wants to return to your abusive father, take her back to him.

In the short term, look for an adult day care center convenient to you that can look after her while you work or maybe just on Saturdays to give yourself a break. Granted, there’s the language barrier, but so what. She’ll see new faces, she’ll have lunch and snacks and games.

Don’t underestimate the damage this is causing you. If my mom had stayed with me another few years, I probably would’ve had a stroke. Make it clear to mom that if she is miserable with you, you have to find another place for her before it kills you.
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Onlychild196901 Sep 2023
Thank you for your reply, it makes me feel it’s okay to feel this way and not guilty about it. Yes, I am yet to have a talk with her what would she like. No, she is not disabled and her mind is okay too. Feeling pressured to make someone happy is a lot and we all know that doesn’t work. You have to work on happiness by yourself. Thank you all in this conversation, your replies mean the world to me.
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Hey it’s Friday here! I would usually be happy but now I have someone waiting for me to finish work so she can stare at me. Some days I really question my decision to move my mother in with us. Yikes!
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