Hi all. I take care of my 78 y.o. mother, not full-time but becoming more and more often, and she has no one else. She's estranged from her sister and my brother lives far away plus they can be like oil and water and he's not patient. But her illnesses, the complaining she does all day, the repeat questions, it's becoming too difficult for me. Also adding to the situation: she's a hoarder and we're constantly in fights over her requests for me to "help" with the house (I say 'help' because she can't handle the decluttering and cleaning, mentally OR physically, so it falls to me, which is ridiculous. My questions (feel free to answer any and all of them) are:
1-when you are faced with rage from your care recipient (CR), how do you calm them down and/or manage your own stress?
2-how do you deal with the feelings of anger, frustration etc.? I have a therapist and support groups but is there anything you do on the spot?
3-if you take care of a parent, what do you say and/or do to indicate that you’re in charge now?
4-If you have aides and a care recipient (CR) who said they won’t accept outside help, how did you make it happen?
This is my first time posting but I’ve read many of the posts here and you all amaze me both what you do for your loved ones and in how you help others here. TIA for your feedback, and my apologies in advance for the long post!
You learn to walk away and not take anything said or done, personally. You will find nothing but frustration trying to reason or explain to Alzheimer's. It cannot be done. So explaining you are in charge is futile.
She could live another 20 years. Best to establish boundaries now.
Why is she in the hospital? This info would be helpful.
"She thinks she's going home..." Is there a chance she may not? If not, why?
"3-if you take care of a parent, what do you say and/or do to indicate that you’re in charge now?
4-If you have aides and a care recipient (CR) who said they won’t accept outside help, how did you make it happen?"
Both these questions are interrelated. Your profile says she has dementia/alz yet she is in IL? Does she have an actual medical diagnosis by a doctor, or do you think she has it based on observed behaviors? The main question is: who has actual legal authority to make decisions for her? If she has not been diagnosed with cognitive impairment and she has no PoA, then you're not in charge and she gets to call all the shots for her life. You have no power.
If she does have a PoA and a diagnosis, then the PoA is the one who is her legal advocate and manager. If she is now in the hospital, then the PoA can talk to her discharge nurse or hospital social worker to make it clear she is an unsafe discharge. She can maybe then go straight into a rehab facility rather than back to her house.
If she's currently in the hospital and she has no PoA, then maybe suggest to the medical staff she be tested for a UTI, have her thyroid checked and given a cognitive exam. Also show them pics of her hoarded house. What happens after this depends on the results of any of the tests. You seem to want to provide her care and keep her in her hoarded house (and btw no aid or agency in their right mind would want to work in that type of environment). She can't handle "decluttering and cleaning" because hoarding is a mental illness and requires therapy for her to work towards recovery. If she has dementia and you have no PoA and she has no money to pay for care, it won't go well for either of you. Please read the many posts on this forum about caregiver burnout so you don't become a victim.
And yes, I know that hoarding is a mental illness; sadly she's unwilling to talk to a therapist, about anything; says she doesn't believe in it (insert eye roll).
Anyway, thanks for your input, I appreciate it.
"3-if you take care of a parent, what do you say and/or do to indicate that you’re in charge now?"
Oh yeah? Who put you in charge? Agreeing to provide care for a person is by no means the same thing as taking control of her life.
A medical professional (and a caregiver) need to try every means to allow the Care Recipient to feel in charge, retain their dignity, make choices, etc.
raynak26
New York, NY
I am caring for my mother
About Me
I'm a very frustrated caregiver; my mother shuns many medical professionals and, for example, is currently in the hospital and thinks she's going home before being cleared. How do people deal with such situations? Thanks.
So if she is in a demented episode don't try and reason with her - it won't do any good - her brain is now vastly different and nothing you say will change that, what is in her brain is HER reality. You can learn techniques to deal with her and sometimes it will work but sometimes not so much. As previously said learn to pick the battles and try and keep the battles to the bare minimum. Learn to go along with her where you can(and give the answers that will calm her agitation - with my father it was to assure him his fictional debts had been taken care of already) and when to put your foot down when the issue regards her health and welfare. I believe there is a lot of fear and trepidation at work in someone with dementia making it even more difficult to help them. Try not to take her anger personally.
Yes, while the child becomes the parent - the parent - who can act like a petulant child is in reality an adult - so don't treat them as a child; give her dignity and respect but stand firm as gently as you can when needed (there may be times when gentleness may not work, but do the best you can).
She should also no longer live on her own and should move to at least AL or an AL MC facility where there are people trained to deal with difficult people and will be cared for 24/7 leaving you to be her advocate and make sure her needs are met.
While she is in hospital talk to the social worker and have mother evaluated - then you can always blame it on the doctor for her need to move to where she can get more care. Only heaven knows how many docs have been blamed for the parents having to move.
Good luck.