My mother is 83 with multiple health problems. After a hospitalization, she went to a NH/rehab. Ended up having to stay due to poor progress in therapy. She spent 4 years in this facility located in my home town. She was so angry and complained CONSTANTLY about wanting to go home. When COVID hit the facility, I made the decision to move her back to her home about 2 hours from me. Staying in my home was not an option. Been there, done that. She’s a difficult person. At the time, I was working from home and able to travel there to help with her care along with part time sitters. Here we are 4 years later. I have cut back to part time work. I spend every other week (2 weeks of every month) caring for her while paying private sitters the rest of the time. She does not have the funds to cover this and is on Medicaid. I have a family of my own that I need to be with. This whole situation is out of control and I’m exhausted and becoming financially drained. She refuses to go to a nursing home and I’m not sure if she’d qualify for AL. Nevertheless, I have got to get back to my life. She is very selfish and narcissistic and has been her entire life. I have provided care due to feeling like this was the right thing to do, but at this point, I feel like I have gone over and beyond. I need to be at home and stop living out of a suitcase and return full time to my family and career. How do I get out of this situation? And how do I convince her to go to a facility? Can I make her go? I have DPOA.
Like grandma said, you can't force them to go, unless they're declared incapacitated. I'm just waiting for something to happen. I did send her a Christmas gift.
Best of luck to you. I know it's harder, since it's your mom.🙏🏽
You can help keep her safe but you cannot make her happy. We were raised to fulfill their needs. You must accept the conflicting fact that you cannot do both.
My mother became angry while in the hospital and refused to move a muscle ever again. At her age, you move it or lose it VERY quickly. Sure enough, she has lost so much muscle mass that she can no longer walk nor stand. The PTs tried so hard to get her back on her feet but she sure showed them how nobody was going to tell her what to do!
I placed her (with help from the hospital) in care and became Mommy to my kids and my husband’s wife again. The guilt is easing, now that I’ve had a chance to reflect.
You also say that M “comes from a long line of children taking care of parents at home”. Perhaps 2 generations, but if the line is any longer it’s because there was no alternative. Have a closer look at that ‘long line’. It’s probably not a genuine reason for feeling caught yourself in this age.
You have to convince yourself that this situation isn’t feasible for you to continue.
It isn’t going to be easy because your stomach is probably in knots thinking about the backlash that you will receive from your mom for telling her that her free ride is over.
Your current solution isn’t working out well. So, you may as well be miserable for a short time during the transitional period and get what you want in the end,
Please don’t make the same mistakes that I made. I allowed myself to be the primary caregiver for far too long. It only became harder as the years went by.
This situation is never going to get easier for you to manage on your own. Accept that your mom needs to be in a facility to receive proper care.
Do whatever it takes for you to become self aware of the fact that you deserve to live your best life.
I had outsiders telling me that I would regret it if I wasn’t my mother’s primary caregiver.
Trust me when I tell you that my biggest regret was that I was my mother’s primary caregiver for so long. I can never get that time back in my life.
I wish you well.
Is your DPOA in effect at this time? (legally)
The next time she is in the hospital ask to talk to a Social Worker. Explain that she can not be discharged to home as it is unsafe at this time. You can not care for her and the caregivers she has are not there long enough to make it safe for her to be home.
STOP doing what you do for her.
You do not say what other medical conditions mom has that require you to go stay with her for half the month.
You might want to begin the application process for Medicaid.
You can talk to the local Senior Services Center or the Area Agency on Aging to see what services she may qualify for. (they can also assess her needs)
You say she can not afford AL but if the house is sold the money from the sale would be used for her care. And since there would be no property taxes, homeowners insurance, food expenses, gas bills, electric bills it might end up being less expensive or about the same in AL.
You are absolutely correct that the current arrangement isn't sustainable. My heart goes out to you and hope for your sake that you can get something done soon. Do you have any other family might be able to help you? By that I mean to find a facility for your Mom and those type things. Just someone close to discuss things with, bounce ideas off of, or just vent to might help loads.
Good luck and don't forget your a wonderful child for being willing to do so much for your Mom.
I have taken multiple tours of homes at various levels of care. It's just a one sided tour. She refuses to go and look for herself. She has to be evaluated for AL, but what I've gathered is that she's borderline between AL and NH. Some facilities say that based on what I've told them, she'd need NH care. I've had several say she would likely qualify for AL, but I know she'd be at risk for falling there. So many NH are short on staff and funds, and the care is less than ideal. Just something I'm going to have to accept. I am the only one making decisions on her care. I have friends that I vent to often and that definitely helps. I recently joined this site and love getting responses from people who have experience dealing with elderly issues. Thank you again for your input.😊
You will have to tell her that this cannot go on.
She is not incompetent, so you cannot force this issue, but you CAN stop enabling her to stay in her home.
Your DPOA will not work at present because your mother is not incompetent and you cannot tell her what to do or where to move unless she is.
Tell your mother what you told us, and tell her that at the beginning of the year you are no longer free to help her other than ______________(here list the ways you can help, perhaps a visit every weekend or a weekly shopping trip). Tell her all other help she must hire on her own.
Tell her that you will help her with applications to Medicaid if needed, or with arranging finances and checking nursing homes, Board and Care facilities, ALFs. But that you will no longer be available to her otherwise.
Let her know the truth, that she is doing poor decision making and you are enabling that by coming to help her. Honesty can be delivered gently but firmly, and it must happen.
There is honestly no way around the truth, and the amount of time we spend avoiding it is quite tragic. I wish you good luck and am so relieved you have not moved her in with you. I hope you'll update us.
How was the four years in the nursing home paid for? How was she able to return to her home after that much time and it didn't have to be sold and the proceeds spent-down for Medicaid?
You can have your mother paced. She was placed for four years. Stop paying the homecare bill. The aides will stop showing up there will be no choice but NH placement.
I was a homecare worker for 25 years and operate my own homecare now. I have never known an elderly person that willingly went into a "home". Not one.
Their families just did what they had to do. Have her taken by ambulance if necessary.
There is another possibility though. A live-in caregiver. Depending on what her care needs are, this may work for both of you.
Look for a private-pay one on a site like care.com then start interviewing. It will cost far less than hiring hourly caregivers.
I'm assuming that your mother does not live in an apartment. So her house somehow escaped the greedy clutches of the nursing home. If the place is in your name a loan out on it to pay for live-in caregivers if that would be enough for her care needs.
There are options here none of which involve you paying for anything or being her caregiver yourself.
You may need to formulate a therapeutic fib to get her to go: her house has a gas leak, the furnace is leaking CO2, there's an infestation...and she needs to go to a temporary apartment until the work is completed. The facility admins can go along with any narrative since they've seen it all.
You have done way too much already. Sit her down tell her that you cannot continue to financially or emotionally support her, and that she will have to be placed in a nursing home.
It is no longer about her "Wants" it is about her "Needs".
Start the process now.
Good Luck!
Unless that asset was put into someone else's name. If so, then that person can borrow on it and pay for homecare.
Call your mother’s County Area of Aging , get a social worker involved. They helped get my mother placed in care . If that doesn’t work , step back , call APS .
Try to remember that YOUR needs count as much as her wants.
How to formulate a workable, safe plan & action it may be determined by many factors - how dependant Mom is, how stubborn, her health requirements etc.
Happy to be part of a board to bounce ideas off.
I found the hardest part of withdrawing hands-on care was my own brain. True. Changing my thoughts was the key that unlocked my cage.