My dad was once a caregiver for my mom, but after she passed away his health has been horribly declining. He has had Crohn's my whole life (I'm 26), but it got worse a few years after my mom passed away.
He is on disability and has a nurse that checks in on him once a week. He ends up in the hospital twice a year usually and I don't know what else to do.
I'm an only child, so I don't have any siblings to lean on. Thankfully, my extended family (his siblings) have been a HUGE help to me.
He refuses to get trash and recycling services (I'm about to pay for both services because I'm tired of him hauling trash in his car all the time, especially when he is ill). He also refuses to get on food stamps. He lives in my childhood home (3 bedrooms) and he can barely clean it (usually I'm the one that has to).
My mom got sick when I was 14/15 and looking back, I don't think my dad was a great caregiver. He refused to accept help until the very end and I had to witness a lot of things a teenager shouldn't.
I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like any time I try to set a boundary I can't stick to it and he constantly throws the fact that he has helped me recently in my face. Saying things like, "We help each other," or "I helped you, now I need you to help me." But my needing help from him is borrowing money and then paying him back. The help he needs from me is grocery shopping, cleaning, taking care of his dog, etc.
I want him to downsize and I think he's slowly coming around, but he keeps having these grandiose ideas about where he wants to move to (the Bahamas or Florida) when we live in the Midwest and he can't even afford trash service...
I feel stuck. I feel like I can't even live my own life and I just have to put up with this. I have been frustrated for YEARS and sometimes changes are made that make things better (ex: installing a water purifier in the sink so he doesn't need me to constantly buy him water bottles).
If anyone read all of this, thank you. This is a rant, but also a cry for help. Does anyone have any suggestions? I feel like I'm too young to be dealing with all this...
Second, quit feeling sorry for him as a 55 year old. He should be working to provide the trash service, or selling his house, or having a housekeeper at that age. This is not on you to fix, it's on him.
Do not ask him for more loans, paid back or not. That is just more ammunition for people like this. If you want to go to university, this is the time. And if you don't, this is the time to get a paid skill. Or both.
My ILs sit there in their curbside appeal house, and inside it's immaculate, but like something out of the 1970s. Wanna know how much they pay two caregivers, one of them "family" (she's an in-law, sorry I won't call her sister)? $170K. And that's on the cheap end.
Do not keep taking care of this man who knows well that he can take care of himself and is probably younger than most regulars who post here.
You're only 26. He's gotta not even be 60. Live your life and MAKE HIM live his.
1. He is definitely disabled from his Crohns. He has an ostomy bag, has to plug into an IV, and also has issues with his gallbladder.
2. I've graduated college and I have a full-time job. However, I've been having money issues lately (I think the holidays drained a lot of my money). Because, surprise, I'm usually the one that tries to make our Christmases "normal."
I think there's a lot of codependency going on that makes it hard to set boundaries. I still love him because he's my dad, and I like when he helps me but I don't like how it seems like I can't receive help without providing something in return. And then when he helps me, he brags about being the greatest dad ever (not sure how much he is kidding).
There's a lot of conflicting emotions.
Your role is as an advisor and overseer, if he will have it. Not as a nanny-slave. Do things that reinforce this role, starting with not paying his trash (???) and not cleaning his house no matter how messy it gets. He can hire housekeepers, and he can hire aides. As a college graduate, presumably with a bright future, the next 15 years starting now is when you can maximize your earnings and potential.
Do it. I would actually move. Away from him.
many of us are in similar situations:
please don’t let him drown your life. many elderly people don’t mind at all destroying their child’s life (child - not children, because normally ALL the stress/problems are dumped on 1 child). some even intentionally want to destroy your life.
you have a whole life ahead of you.
some people are jealous.
don’t want you to have a life.
want you to drown with them - maybe be even more miserable than them.
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“But my needing help from him is borrowing money and then paying him back. The help he needs from me is grocery shopping, cleaning, taking care of his dog, etc.”
that’s very wrong.
MONEY IS PAID BACK WITH MONEY.
otherwise it’s not called borrowing. otherwise your father should have said, “you can ‘borrow’ this money from me, but it comes with a condition: for the next years you are my slave.”
the terms and conditions of borrowing money from him, should have been made clear - and i bet you wouldn’t have accepted the money.
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money is paid back with money.
whether you help with favors is a different matter (also it depends how many favors). it can’t be a mountain - you’ll drown.
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hugs!!!!
Phrase of the week! ⭐⭐⭐
People many not mean to ☹. Unfortunately their illness, cognition etc mean they get very narrow focused.
Yes, families help each other. But there are 'rules' for want of a better word - someone once described that 'I help you-you help me' as a *social contract*. So yes I get your Dad saying we help each other BUT there must be Commonsense. Also Reasonable Limits.
Eg: I volunteered to drive a family member to medical appointments. Helping family - of course, no probs. BUT..
Soooooo many appointments... doctor, dentist, podiatrist, physio, plus more just in one week! Not just drive but mobility assist, ensure payment made, detours for shopping on & on & on. Basically a fulltime job...
See what I mean? So I had to put in *reasonable limits*.
Unfortunately some folk lose insight, lose ability to see how dependant they are becoming.. is this your Dad??
#2 The Chat.
Talks about downsizing, about adjusting to aging, about the change from independant to semi-dependant are really hard. But you know, hard, but really worth while.
A councillor told me it often takes more than 6 times to have 'The Chat' about downsizing to even begin to sink in. Then many more for action... So keep at it!
Your Dad sounds like a really independant don't-tell-me-what-to-do guy. So basically, the SMALLER his home - the longer he will stay in control. A 3 br house will need a team of maintenance, yard, cleaning folk. But a small unit? Maybe just him.
My Grandma got this concept easily. Moved herself into an IL unit, then AL, then (eventualy) chose to stop eating. Stayed in control till the end - with dignity.
What's the long game here? Will you be his 24/7/365 slave when the time comes? Just move in with him because Daddy won't go to a facility? Because that's where you're heading.
What are his finances. Will he become Medicaid-eligible? (I'm assuming that's very possible, since he's refusing food stamps.) So now you're going to pay for trash services, because he won't. What's next?
You write that your extended family has been very helpful. How so? What do they say about your situation?
Stop borrowing money from him. "However, I've been having money issues lately (I think the holidays drained a lot of my money). Because, surprise, I'm usually the one that tries to make our Christmases 'normal.'" You are borrowing money from him to make HIS Christmases "normal"? What?
He's your father and you love him. Sure, we get that. But take a good look at what you've written here, and beware the future. Do you want your own life or not? As Daddy gets older, you will be doing more and more for him, if he has your way (and I really do foresee your moving in with him at some point -- I'm sure that is what he will eventually expect you to do).
Do you have his POA or HCPOA?
Your father has a disability but one that can be managed to a degree and while not curable from what I read it is not usually the cause of ones death. I can appreciate it is no fun for him or others. Not trying to discount his situation.
He has limited funds yet not to the degree that he feels he needs food stamps and evidently he knows how to manage his money well enough that he can bail you out when you go over your own budget. There are many sources out there to teach you how to manage finances. Many are loan sharks so be careful. Best to learn about a “hard rock candy Christmas” if that’s the only time you get in trouble.
So this reduces the problem to the ordinary parent/child situation that many caregivers fall into. The parent wants free labor. If he actually “needs” help then he needs to spend some time at the senior center to see what help is available.
Google Area Agency on Aging for your county, state and see what services are listed. If he doesn’t qualify now, he may in the future. Many communities have senior centers where he can pick up an inexpensive lunch and find companionship (depending on covid in your area).
You could assign yourself the reading of a book called “Boundaries” by Townsend and Cloud. It could help you with your bargaining. We are never to young to learn how to protect ourselves when dealing with others.
If you set good boundaries and learn how to manage your money, dad should be able to decide all on his own what size home he can manage and whether he needs food stamps.
Be careful of enabling dad into not taking care of himself.