After several ihss workers were fired or walked off the job of taking care of my mother and father I became their ihss worker. I manage the bills, health care, cleaning, and assistants to help care for the home.
Dad passed away recently and my mother wants to die at the home they lived in for 20 years together. My brother is a constant teammate with my mother who has become more and more angry and eager to belittle me at every juncture.
I am the POA and health director and take this seriously only to have this man who lives 9 hours away constantly work against us and her wishes. She loves this drama and thrives on the controversy. The workers who come once a day are afraid of her and her nastiness.
I sure do wish you the very best in these tough times.
When you have a formal diagnosis, check ur POA to see how many doctors are needed for diagnosis, your POA is now in effect unless you have an immediate one. Then you have to tell yourself, I am the POA and the final decisions are mine. You must be willing to take the heat. The brother 9 hours away has no idea what is going on. Your Dad was probably able to cover up alot when it came to Mom. Now you see how bad things really are.
Its no longer what she wants, its what she needs. Depending on where she is in her Dementia, you may want to sit her down and tell her if she wants to stay in her home, then she needs to except help and be nice about it. I am not beyond a little threat. Also tell her if she doesn't allow help then the State could come in and take over her care and they will not allow her to stay in her home. She will be placed somewhere of their choosing.
Dementia is so unpredictable and there is no rhyme or reason to it. In the early stages the person loses the ability to reason. Short-term memory is lost. And eventually longterm goes too. They become like small children. They go back in time. This all falls on you and because of that you need to take you into consideration too. You need to ignore this brother even going as far as blocking him or not answering the calls. Mom assigned you her POA for a reason. Your responsibility is not to do the physical care but to keep her safe and if that means an AL or LTC then so be it. To spend her money on her and her care. When its gone, then you apply for Medicaid. Never use your own money if u can help it. Get siblings to help in that area. You should also keep good records. For me, Moms bank statement was my record. A check was written for everything to do with Mom. You saw the money coming in and going out. My bank, for a fee, has copies of my check printed on my statement. If I bought something out of pocket, I reimbursed myself once a month by check and kept the receipts for that month in an envelope with the ck# on it. I will bet the brother 9 hrs away will one day question your spending.
Mom will not be able to stay in her home forever. She will need 24/7 care that may go beyond what you want or can do. With u 2 hrs away, what you are now doing for her is going to become too much for you with running 2 businesses. You are going to start, if not already, feeling resentment. Your best choice would be to get her in a nice AL near you. Do what is best for you. If brother thinks he knows best, tell him he can take over and walk away.
It is so hard to be the realist in a family situation. Call local elder care support for help.
The biggest problem here isn't your brother, it is your uncooperative mother -- assuming that your PoA authority is now active per the requirements stated in the PoA document. If you don't know what that is, please read the doc today. If there needs to be 1 or more medical diagnosis of impairment, and she has this -- you are over one big hurdle.
If there are no medical diagnosis, this is a problem if you can't get her in for an appointment. You can make the appointment for her and use a "therapeutic fib" to get her to her doctor. Then discretely hand then a note outlining you are her PoA and she is exhibiting XX behaviors so please give her a cognitive/memory exam and test her for a UTI. At this same appointment ask for the Medical Representative form (HIPAA form) and have her write in your name and then she signs it and then her doctor at that clinic can disclose her medical results to you without needing her permission or presence. This is what I did for my MIL. The staff is usually happy to help you.
If none of this seems do-able then I would consider resigning the PoA and telling your brother she is all his, and let the chips fall where they may. Both of you will have to watch the train wreck happen and wait for APS to acquire guardianship. Then she will finally get the care and protection she needs, legally.
If you have 2 people fighting you, your burnout is imminent because "helping" or "managing" will be 100% unproductive. Please read other posts on this forum regarding uncooperative LOs.