Brother is mentally retarded, very strong, lives at home and parents won't let him live elsewhere. I am also living at home to try to help parents without causing brother to go to jail as he threatens suicide if jailed. I recently confronted him on another issue and he was taken to a local hospital for a psych evaluation, but he was diagnosed with "stress disorder", not the OCD that keeps him in the bathroom washing constantly. Parents are afraid of him and mother won't call police ever or back up my stepfather or my claims. Any ideas?
Since it's your parents house they can't move and your brother probably can't live on his own perhaps you can take a small apartment nearby. You can still look in on your parents but not have to live with your brother.
Please don't move out just yet. Try to get otuside help for the situation. I know how horrible it can be when family tries to take care of things.... the only answer is OUTSIDE help. There is too much history, too many fights, feelings, resentment, etc. for you four to work it out. Good luck finding the right person/agency to help!
She gives him answers like, "well, we'll have to build a ramp for the stairs," as mom is in a wheelchair. When we ask her why she gives him this false hope she shrugs and says, "Oh, he'll forget I said it."
We, on the other hand, are always very direct with dad about mom's condition and why she has to be in a nursing home. Of course dad favors his daughter who visits with false hope. Very frustrating! I say we ignore it; my husband says it is wrong of her and gives us added stress.
I guess the other comment is best. Get out of the situation immediately and maybe you can take your dad with you!
Seems like your mom and brother have painted you into a corner and once you are risking your own safety it is time to head for the hills.
Please let me and the group know how you are doing in this situation and what you decided to do...
You can come back to this post anytime and write again...
I have a few suggestions that you may or may not have thought about :
(1) If you can afford to secretly video tape conversations on a video recorder or video several conversations on your camera with your mother and seperately with your step-father regarding your brother's behavior regarding how they are afraid of your brother, this may help you when you talk to mental health professionals since your parents wont say anything bad about your brother to a case worker. Tape a private conversation your brother as well regarding why he does certain things and if he thinks anything is not right about himself, etc.
(2) As a precauction - since things may get worse before they get better - you must protect yourself from your brother - even if it means locking your door or putting a slide lock on the inside of your bedroom door to protect yourself when you sleep at night. Also think about getting rid of -or- hidding sharp objects or blunt objects such as a hammer - if you can. Try to do this gradually -over a week- so that the objects may not be missed by your brother.
(3) You should also consult with a lawyer about possibly getting power of attorney over your mother's affairs and what this involves since she is not totally in her right mind. If you have control over your mother - then you will probably get control over your brother's guardianship.
(4) I dont know what state you live in, but you should continue to locate additional state and county services for help assigning your brother to a mental health facility for a long period of time - if not permanent. If one agency does not provide a lot of help to you, try another - and another - and another until your brother is out of the house.
(5) Take care of your health ! Eat right, take multi-vitamin with iron tablet, try to get plenty of sleep and take walks to keep fresh air in your lungs.
(6) Seek out other family members- relatives- and explain the situation to them. Invite them over to your house so that they can see the situation. You may need to invite the same relative(s) over to the home several times throughout the month ( maybe once a week or once every two weeks). They may also be able to provide help and /or ideals. At least they will be aware of the situation and may come to your aide when needed or can give social services a statement of their experience as proof to what you are saying.
(7) And most of all - Pray, pray, pray to Jesus for guidance and deliverance in your stressful situation and somehow, He always reveals the best solution. Prayer has always worked for me !
Stay strong and God bless you for hanging in and trying to best resolve a situation where most family members , now-a-days, would have turned their back on.
Arkaren, I think you should put down all of the information about all three of these very vulnerable people, send it in writing to APS expressing your concern about an imminent crisis, and perhaps copy it to a specialist attorney if you have access to one. Your brother needs provision for his later years, when your mother isn't able to look after him; and the sooner the ball gets rolling on that the better. Meanwhile your father is at risk, and in that she's trying to manage a situation that is now beyond her so is your mother. This is all about to blow up in your face.
So I totally agree with Foxxm. and AlwaysLearning that you have got to get objective professionals to work on this. You cannot do it alone.
The other is that your brother is a danger to you and your father, and is preventing your father from using the bathroom. This might be considered elder abuse. You could become your father's POA if he would like that. Again, continue to report incidents between your brother and father. Have them explain which types you should report. Individually they may not be significant enough to create protective investigation, but collectively they might.
Where I live the county has an agency for intellectually impaired, I don't remember if there is an age limit, but if there is then the individual with a mental illness also would be managed by a mental illness related department, probably still in the county of residence.
Your poor mother. Having two sons with cognitive/mental/emotional impairments is a huge emotional burden. Having lost one of those sons it is perhaps understandable she is in denial about the other. But that isn't good for her or for him. I hope you can take the steps that need to be taken without losing compassion for her. She is making matters worse, but not intentionally.
Your poor father. One son dead, one son cognitively impaired to the point he is dangerous, and a wife in denial. And it sounds like this has been going on for years.
And poor you! You are the ray of hope in this dismal picture. You can only do your best, and that may not be enough to fully overcome the complicated dysfunction in this picture. But your best can make a difference. Your love can change things. They are all lucky to have you on their sides, even if they don't recognize that.
Protect yourself. You can't help anybody from a hospital bed. But keep up the good fight. Right now it is you or nobody ... but work to change that so that you are coordinating a team of people working to make life better for all involved.
Ultimately, which is more important: trying to care for people who are as messed up as brother in their own way or your safety. (this thought occurred to me before I saw the posts recommending it: got a very bad feeling).
Also, brother has been allowed to get away with things his entire life, I'll wager a paycheck on that one. You will not get past that: both your parents have been enablers of this individual. I also do not buy that these people cannot control their behavior. Some can't, but I see far too many will change behavior when faced with REAL punishment.
I reiterate: get out now
two cents ¢¢
two cents ¢¢
If it's just hand washing that your brother is obsessed with, can he be induced to wash his hands in the kitchen sink? You could give him a little reward each time he does it, until it becomes a habit.
On the other hand, if it's more than the lure of washing that keeps your brother gravitating to the bathroom, in other words, if he's going in there to have fun with himself, then maybe you could talk to his occupational therapist, if he has one, or someone from social services. But yeah, call APS right away. Brother and mother might get mad at you, but it sounds like someone's going to get seriously injured if this situation continues.
The police will not let your brother commit suicide. He makes this threat to avoid a scary unknown change. Don't worry about this when you ultimately will have to call the police in for help.
So here's some info gaps -
Who doctors your mom, brother, and stepdad? They have a responsibility here to help you out, to connect to services and assistance. If there is no doctor, that is a HUGE PROBLEM. GET DOCTORS.
How has there not been a caseworker involved yet? My God, you have TWO maybe THREE vulnerable adults under one roof! If APS has their finger up their exhaust pipe, demand to speak to the next supervisor up the chain until you get somebody out there NOW. This home enviornment is wholly inadequate and dangerous to all.This is what they need to document. They need to help you out by providing the paper trail on conditions, mental stability, and recommendations for placements.
You are going to need this paper trail at court to get guardianship & powers of attorney of everyone. Or to get the state to step in and provide a guardian and conservator.
StepDad must go to a facility intended to care for Parkinsons patients ASAP. Immediately. Yesterday. To leave him in place will ensure his quick demise. The situation is DANGEROUS to him and no judge in their right mind would make him stay.
Brother needs to be placed somewhere appropriate for his disabilities. He is a danger to others and himself and is being woefully underserved in this setup. From what has been described, he has not ever gotten therapy, or been in programming geared to develop skills in people just like him. Poor guy.
Mom-wow - she needs a psych eval PRONTO.
You need to step back, call in authorities, even if you have to be a total butt to get attention on this. Get the neighbors to call APS too. Create a paper trail thick as War & Peace with them so it's inarguable that you have tried everything.
At the same time, connect with your local advocacy groups - they will probably help out more and faster than APS. Here, it's called ARC (formerly Association of Retarded Citizens). There are lots of others, like Hammer.org, arcgreatertwincities.org, etc. who do advocacy, case management, support planning. These places are INVALUABLE. Use them.
This is going to take some persistence on your part, but step one is to MOVE OUT.