I recently had a baby in my thirties. My great aunt who is 74 would always tell everyone in the family that I wasn’t going to have kids because if I was I would've had them by now and I have been sent here to look after her.
I previously visited her twice a week. We have a huge family, so she is always with someone and she has a live-in boyfriend. She has recently been checked by a doctor and she has no dementia or physical problems.
It all started when I was 6 months pregnant she decided she had to be with me all day every day and when she couldn’t she had to be on the phone to me constantly. She keeps saying she’s has no one, which is not true. She lies about people visiting her to make it look true. She makes up false emergencies to get me to go round. She says she is suicidal and the only thing that will help is if I take her out in the car everyday to cheer her up. And she wants me to buy her flowers. I have a newborn baby and have had a c-section so can’t walk or drive. She lives 10 mins away and walks to my house trying to get in my house everyday. My husband tells her I’m in bed recovering, which is true. She bombards me with phone calls all day.
I have a huge family and they have been with her everyday but she doesn’t want them she only wants me?
How do I make this stop? Please help!
Stand firm. So glad your husband runs interference if she shows up.
When people live their life having others give and share and help, they get dependent on it. She is being unreasonable. Stand firm
I had a guy I was dating say he was going to commit sucide if I broke up with him. I broke up with him because it was scary that he even said that. I was 21. No, he didn't do it. He went on to marry someone else and have 2 kids. He was really a sweet guy and we saw each other around town and would stop to talk.
For now set those boundries. Now I have a child, this is the way it has to be. Call before she visits. If she doesn't, she may not be let in because its not convenient for you. There is no law you must pick up the phone. Like said, she has to except changes.
“ (Boyfriend) has been pressing buttons on the thermostat and broke it the heating won’t work and the house is freezing” I will go round and the heating is on there’s nothing wrong boyfriend totally denies touching it. I will say “ there is nothing wrong it’s been on the whole time and he says he hasn’t touched” she will say “ aw sorry I panicked there I’m glad I have you, I would lay down and die if I didn’t have you. Do you fancy taking me to the shops/ for lunch/ for a walk along the beach in your car.”
And then you say what?
Because: a) this is not an emergency. You have two functioning adults who, in the event that their central heating really did break down, would be perfectly capable of calling an engineer, buying a portable heater, or both. And b) if that were me I would then have a few well-chosen words to say about being called round to their house on an obvious pretext. I think I might even allow myself to sound *annoyed.*
And you? What did you say?
I know this is wrong and I made a rod for my own back but when I would leave she would say all different things to make me feel sorry for her and she would sometimes say she was suicidal. But I would feel so guilty.
she always has a way to make things in her life that are not bad sound bad for example she would say “I’ve got no one. I’ve always been alone.” But was one of 9 siblings so she would say “ yes but there was an age gap and I was the youngest so I’m like an only child really”. That’s just one example of many things and I would just get exhausted. I know it’s partly my fault for giving in.
Yes, I agree she is being selfish and manipulative but I do not agree that you should slam the door in her face as many advise. She is a human being who inwardly is panicking that she has "lost" you. My approach is a combo of luaneZ and Countrymouse's advice. Have everyone over (loving family intervention) to discuss how things have changed in your schedule from now on. Let Aunt know she will always be special to you and you would love for her to visit every Monday/Thursday (obviously whatever days/time YOU decide) for an hour or two (YOUR choice). After a couple of weeks this will hopefully become her new routine. She just needs time and assurance that she hasn't been shut out and that she is still important to you.
Bottom line: Setting boundaries - with love - is the first approach you should take. I say this because you obviously do love this woman and I don't think taking a hard line will fare well with either of you. Keep us posted!
I chatted to her for over an hour this morning on the phone and my mum went round at lunch time to sit with her and she came to my house this evening trying to get in like she does every day saying she wants a cuppa and a chat my husband told her I was bathing the baby. Got a knock on the door shortly after it was my neighbour (yes my neighbour not her neighbour) saying sorry to bother you but I just bumped into your great-aunt and she told me she was feeling suicidal cos she really misses you.
I rang my family to deal with her and apparently she thinks I’m in the wrong because she has anxiety therefore I should just let her in because she’s ill. Got the impression she thinks her anxiety trumps my newborn and c-section. this love and patience approach is not working sorry.
my mum has just called they are calling someone to intervene due to her mental health and suicide threats thank goodness.
In the meantime, decide with your husband on firm ground rules for dealing with her. Here are a few ideas:
1 - No coming over unless you invite her over. If she comes over, say something along the lines, "We are not allowing people into the home right now. We'll invite you when we are able to have you over."
2 - Allow phone to go to voicemail. Answer her calls when the time works best for you - certain time of day, weekly, monthly...?
3 - Remind her firmly that you are a new mom and the doctor has strict orders about your rest and not allowing visitors right now.
First, you are not old age insurance for elderly relatives. You have a family. Your family comes first. You aunt sounds very unreasonable. I wouldn't allow her to guilt trip you into unnecessary drama and temper tantrums. Ten and twenty phone calls are entirely too much. When do you find time for yourself between answering all those calls? When the baby sleeps, you should be resting yourself.
You owe your family no explanation for taking care of yourself and your newborn.
Next time she comes by, see if you can ease a transition on her - ask her to do something for you. Something very simple. Bring you something to drink, a sandwich, etc. Tell her your feet/legs/whatever are hurting and just sit w'feet propped up. She may surprise you and be able to help fold some clothes or some little task that gets harder as baby needs get bigger. Might turn out to be that favorite aunt and kids bond with.
You need to deal with this now. It could get a lot worse. You have your own family and own life, and you are NOT her care plan. She’s only 74 and she has a boy-friend and lots of friends and relatives. It isn’t clear if you are married or a single mother, but it might be best if someone close to you goes to see someone close to great aunt, and pushes the fact that it’s time for her to work out her own future, residence and care plan. If possible, spread that information around her own friends and relations.
Block her phone number and keep your door locked!
It isn’t going to get better. I would block her phone number and move if you can or just don’t let her in. She isn’t your responsibility and with a new baby, you won’t have time to deal with her. Talk to family about it and tell them you’re going to have to get stern and then talk to your aunt and tell her to quit calling because if she doesn’t, you’re going to block her and quit coming over unless you invite her.
This new family member is about to steal their thunder and is your new priority and like a jealous sibling they work to get it back.
Part of being a mature adult we step aside and make room for the next generation, some of us did not mature. Those with personality disorders etc.
I would take a bullet before I would disrupt my daughter raising her family but her Dad had no problem doing it to get the spotlight back on him.
When he passed away in their living room it brought the whole house down, get those type people away from your family.
Stop answering the door or phone you can say later you were busy with the baby bc you were.
When adults can’t control themselves you have to do it, nothing comes between you and that new baby not now not ever.
My second. Took 2 naps a day at 2 hrs each. First night home, slept 6 hours. As she gained weight, she eventually became a 10hr sleeper never waking up in the middle of the night.
The first year your attention should be the baby. This is the time you bond. You want to enjoy it not have a great Aunt interfering.
Don't cut her off completely because it sounds like she is very attached to you.
Your priority is recovering, caring for your newborn and your husband.
I had to do this with my mom and it did work because otherwise 10-15 calls a day for all kinds of non urgent needs. I limited my visits and shortened them.
Put a sign on your door "do not disturb".
You seem like a kind person but aunt needs to reach out to other family members.
Take the fake emergency. She calls and says help help the house is on fire. And you said or did what?
Your aunt has shown no previous sign of being a nut job, I take it. She has no dementia or physical problems. She has a boyfriend she lives with, she isn't that old, and she has plenty of family and plenty to do.
The only remaining thing I can think of is that she is over the moon to the point of deranged about your having had this baby, and that you are overwhelmingly her favourite young relative, and she has formed what we must hope is a temporary obsession, possibly with some sort of jealousy or quasi-sibling rivalry mixed in with it. It does happen, without there being anything sinister about it, that an older generation person can feel a much stronger attachment to one individual than to the others in the family. Be honest with her, tell her your life has changed, tell her it won't stop you loving her but it does mean she needs to give you and your family more space.
Presumably she never had children herself?
She has no kids by choice.
with the emergencies she will say something like “ (Boyfriend) has been pressing buttons on the thermostat and broke it the heating won’t work and the house is freezing” I will go round and the heating is on there’s nothing wrong boyfriend totally denies touching it. I will say “ there is nothing wrong it’s been on the whole time and he says he hasn’t touched” she will say “ aw sorry I panicked there I’m glad I have you, I would lay down and die if I didn’t have you. Do you fancy taking me to the shops/ for lunch/ for a walk along the beach in your car.”
a new one is “my pipes are exploding aw sorry it must of just been the noise will you taking me to the shops now that you are here?”
Is there a family secret here that needs to be revealed? Can your mother give you some insight?
This came to mind because of someone else's experience that was recently told to me. This person found out that her aunt was actually her birthmother and the birthmother's sister raised her as her own child. I know this is far-fetched, but it could help to explain your aunt's obsession with you.
You should be enjoying your new baby and taking care of yourself as you recover. I'm glad your husband is running interference, but you also need to stop taking her phone calls, once a day is more than sufficient.
Just No.
Block her calls for a while if you must.
This is crazy behavior by her and it needs to stop right now.
Few things piss me off more than someone threatening suicide to manipulate and get their way!
Its time to set boundries for you besides her. Make family aware that you will not be able to do for her. You now have a baby that takes up your time 24/7. That when he/she naps, so will you be. Or, trying to get things done. Block her calls. If you have a cell, use do not disturb. It gives u the option of only calls and text you want go thru. I would ask DH to be the bad guy. Every time she tries and visits, he tells her your busy or sleeping. When she calls, have him pick up and ask her to stop calling that you will call when u have time but don't count on that being soon. He needs to be firm and blunt. People like ur Aunt don't read between the lines.
When you are yourself again, which will take over 3 months at least (Babies don't sleep thru the night till at least thenl you will need to sit Aunt down and tell her you are not on this earth to care for her. That there are family members that can help her and her boyfriend. That you are now married and have a child to care for. They are your priorities. If you have a job, another reason why you just don't have the time. Maybe have ur DH present to confirm everything u say. That you will visit when you can. That if she wants to visit, she needs to call to see if the visit is convenient for you. Its called being courteous.
If you cannot resolve this problem with her, then u may need to move. You are entitled to your life and privacy. Grandchildren and Great nieces and nephews should not be made to feel they need to care for grandparents and great Aunts and Uncles. Especially when there is other family. I think its nice you visit, but if that becomes a problem, you may need to back up.
I feel this maybe a cultural thing so probably won't be easy.
No is a one word sentence. No explanation needed.
When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction.
My new montra...I am here to help people find a way, not be the way.
PS, I am 72 and do not consider myself elderly. I have Aunts I would not have cared for, so a Great Aunt not excepting borders I would not have felt I owed anything either.
I would tell her in the kindest manner possible that you are not god, but a human being with limitations. You will tell hr you are a new Mom. Then you will tell her what you CAN do, and you will need to stick to that. You will have to be willing to tell her that you hope she will no do anything foolish, but you cannot prevent it. I would add this "Aunt, I must tell you, and I am sad to have to, that the more you carry on in the manner you have, the less I will be able to come to see you; I now have a child and my obligation is to her, to make myself available and healthy for her. I would grieve having to withdraw from you, but I will do so if I must".
Then stick to it, because it is the TRUTH. You train people not by what you say, but what you do. You will have to enforce your best intentions for your family because that IS where your obligation lies.
Read the book, Boundaries. An easy read full of anecdotes of people in positions like you.
Of course she should be checked out by a doctor, but if she was perfectly fine up until you were six months along, it may not be dementia or a UTI. It could very well be that she's jealous of you having a baby and wants to make sure she will always come first in your life. Your aunt thinks you will be her nanny-slave in her old age. She needs to be corrected about that.
Call her out on her lies about no one visiting her and having no one. Ask the family she does see to back you up on this with her. If she calls you and claims to be "suicidal" call 911 and send the police there.
Stop allowing her gaslighting and manipulation to control your life.
As for her only wanting you over the rest of the family. That's only partially true. She wants the other family for her socialization and to enjoy life with.
You are her emotional dumping ground. You are the one who will handle every crisis (real or fabricated). You'll be the one who gets all the complaining, the one she fights with, and every other negative possibility. You don't deserve that. Your aunt is what is called an emotional vampire and you're the one she chooses to feed off of. That has to stop. Even if you have to cut her out of your life completely for a while (which would be a good idea), do it. Best thing for you both.
Aunt is jealous, needy & way past pushy. Appears mentally ill.
Her past behaviour of 'grooming' you to be her caregiver is entitled & very selfish. It could stem from anxiety. Regardless of cause, her life is hers. Yours is yours & yours is now as a new family unit.
I second having your Husband as a gatekeeper. Block her calls, don't answer the door. That kind of harrassment must stop, either you or your husband tell her, another family member tells her or the law does. Seriously.
Threats of self-harm should be reported to her Doctor (if you know her Doctor). Even if you suspect it is said as a tool to manipulate you I would take it seriously & report this for her own safety.
I would be locking my doors. If she arrives trying to get into your house, has been told to leave but does not, I would be calling EMS for a mental health emergency. She may be experiencing some sort of breakdown, but could be many other medical causes not yet diagnosed eg stroke.
She needs to choose and assign a wiling and able and appropriate PoA. No one should agree to be her caregiver without having this important legal authority they will just inherit her hot mess and burn out. There are other solutions for her, but she won't like the thought that her original plan isn't going to happen. Many on this forum are in her position and have created other solutions for themselves. Perhaps cultural issues and assumptions are at play -- no matter, the answer from you to her is still no. Congrats on your baby, may you gain wisdom and peace in your heart.
Also, a sudden change in mental status can point to the possibility of her having had a small stroke.
Is her GP recommending treatment for her anxiety or any investigations?
Make it clear to your family that you are taking time to recover (6 weeks, minimum) and to bond with your infant and that you expect them to corral her for you.