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No. No. No.

I couldn't possibly do that. No

No.

No.

No.

Mom needs more care, there are some lovely facilities that provide 24/7 care for people that have that need. How about all 3 of us pick 2 that we really feel will meet mother's needs and work together to pick the best one.

Live with me? No.

Quite frankly they both could care for mom, you just have been chosen by them for this. It makes it easier for them. Don't buy into their wants. This is your life and you need to stand up for yourself and not be browbeat into doing something that you don't want to do.

It takes a village to care for an adult that can no longer care for themselves. You are not a village.
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jacobsonbob May 2020
Yes. I was thinking that the brother, just because he is in his mid-70s, may be just as capable as "Momsgoto" and the sister is probably already at home with her disabled son (who, depending upon his disability, might not require as much hands-on care as their mother would). I'm just adding this because I think the siblings are simply assuming the OP, because of the age difference (but how old is the sister?), etc., is the logical candidate to take on this task.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2csSPkBEKus

Play that for them. Gradually increase the volume and play again each time they ask.
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kdcm1011 May 2020
Hahahaha......thanks for the chuckle!
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One of the best things I ever learned was that I don’t owe others an explanation for my decisions. As a fully formed grown up I have a right to my decisions and don’t have to justify, explain, or defend. Please give yourself this freedom. Ignore all talk of your mother living with you and when you’re directly asked, say it won’t be possible. No discussions of why, but you can offer to help her find a suitable place to go or help in her own home. It’s one of the joys of being an adult, we get to decide! I wish you the best
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disgustedtoo May 2020
Yup. NO excuses needed or required. We don't answer to anyone but ourselves. Doesn't matter if it is family, friends or people on this site (there are a few) who think it would be better for you to take this on. It is NONE of their business and we don't owe them ANY explanation.

As Daughterof1930 says, the discussion should be focused on WE need to get EVERYTHING in order to ensure mom is cared for properly. If she has a home and/or savings, these need to be handled in a way that the funds will cover her care. Elder Care attorney can assist with this prep, and can also help if mom has no assets (Medicaid.) naela.org can help find EC attys in your area using your zip code. Research places with available space. Draw up all questions for EC atty and the facilities you call to inquire about. They all, including the attys, have different rates, different services covered by those rates, extra charges for services beyond the "basics", and TOUR the ones that interest you, when you can of course. Ask questions - facilities will talk their places up, so you'll want to see it for yourself. Usually EC attys will allow a first limited consult for free. Go with the one that makes the best impression, not just the best price!

By getting prepared NOW, hopefully when the time comes (soon enough!) everything will be ready to go. If moving is delayed because of the virus, you could explore hiring help - you might have to accompany them initially, until she becomes used to having them there.

Any assets mom has should be used to cover costs (aides, facility, EC atty.)
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OMG..Do not do it.Please say NO and find other options for people who have dementia.It is your time to enjoy your life not to have a high stressed mental life.JUST SAY "NO"...and it is OK.
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OMG..Do not do it.Please say NO and find other options for people who have dementia.It is your time to enjoy your life not to have a high stressed mental life.JUST SAY "NO"...and it is OK.
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What "little things" are your brother and sister saying?

Seems to me it's time to stop dropping hints and have a frank conversation. Your part in that conversation, by the way, is to make it crystal clear that you do not have the space, training, money or inclination to provide your mother with full-time care. A better option can and must be found for her.
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Like said NO should be enough. Tell them to start considering other options.
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How do you say no?

"I'm physically and mentally unable to care for mom in my house 24/7."
"Mom's needs exceed my ability to care."
"If one of you (dear brother and sister) want to do it, go ahead."
"I work full-time. I can only help mom with xyz, for __ hours __ days a week. Someone else has to help her with the rest of her needs"
"Mom is incontinent, which of you wants to clean her lady parts, cuz I don't."
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cherokeegrrl54 May 2020
Excellent response!!
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You are not saying no to helping your mom. You are saying no to shouldering the total complete burden of her care. That is what you need to tell your siblings. Of course, your siblings don't like your honesty but it is not their lives that will change if your mom moves in your home. Yes-they want you to take her. Caring for an aging parent will quickly consume your life. Incontinence and dementia are not easy to deal with and will get worse. I agree with FloridaDD look around your community for care options, consult an attorney for Medicare availability. Do these things before it reaches a crisis situation.
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disgustedtoo May 2020
"You are not saying no to helping your mom. You are saying no to shouldering the total complete burden of her care."

I concur 100%!!! We moved our mother to MC, but despite what the brothers think, there is still a lot of time and effort put into ensuring her care, getting supplies not provided, visiting, etc. It just takes the heavier burden off and allows you to ADVOCATE for her and VISIT her, allows you to be her DAUGHTER, not her nurse maid.

Although I realize the siblings have issues and think this is okay because OP doesn't, that doesn't cut it. It is still a huge undertaking. Some might remain meek and mild-mannered, but in general that is not the case, and all the extra work, lack of sleep, etc WILL take a toll.
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Well, I don't think you should have to explain the 'whys' to your siblings. It just won't work for you, PERIOD. You don't need justification, you don't need reasons or excuses.............you just can't do it. I would never in a million years care for my 93 y/o mother in my home! No two ways about it. She lives in Memory Care and it's always something over THERE. I can't even imagine what it would be like over HERE! On Monday she had a 'huge corn' on her pinkie toe that was KILLING HER. When the nurse came and saw absolutely nothing whatsoever on her toe, she suddenly let go of that story. On Wednesday, she was 'throwing up and throwing up and throwing up' and had to use a plastic 'puke bucket' all day, but meanwhile, she was REALLY having some acid reflux and regurgitating about a teaspoon of fluid. Her doctor comes into the ALF once a week which is a GODSEND. Being wheelchair bound, there's no way I could possibly get her back & forth to a doctor's office, especially for fabricated problems. And that is just ONE tiny detail out of 1,000 details to deal with on an ongoing basis at home. Let's face it.

My cousin who lives in Staten Island NY is fond of telling my mother she'd LOVE to have her come live with HER!! Um, then why hasn't she come to get her yet, after being in Assisted Living for 6 years now? You know why? Because talk is cheap, that's why. It sounds good for my cousin to make those noises but not mean a word of it. It's very very difficult to care for a demented elder inside of one's home. And, at your age (and my age), we should NOT have to be doing it! It's just too much, the incontinence issue alone.

Remember: it doesn't have to 'go down well' with your siblings that you are not taking your mother into your home. If they don't like it, too bad. See about getting her placed in Memory Care Assisted Living, or into Skilled Nursing with Medicaid. And if that doesn't work for your siblings, THEY can take her in their home, regardless of their reasons why they can't.

Best of luck!
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disgustedtoo May 2020
LOVE the cheap talk! Both my brothers, after their "introduction" to facility costs, said "Gee for that kind of money, I'll take her in." Sure they will. Never happened. Which is a good thing. OB is clearly abusive and has ZERO patience for ANYTHING, never mind a person over 90 with dementia. YB is still working, no room in his GF's condo (and has done nothing about separating from his wife about FOUR years ago - bit scatter-brained.)

I had done some research, knew a bit about what to expect and had a rough idea of costs, and already knew BEFORE dementia that living with me wasn't going to work! Note that like lealonnie1 says, even living in a facility requires our time and effort to be advocate and ensure they are cared for, just without the struggle of hands-on. Thankfully mom and dad had saved, and there was enough still to ensure she could afford a nice place. Her money, not ours, so it *SHOULD* be used for her care, not for us to inherit!
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If your mom has a medical and financial POA in place it would be that person’s job to handle everything. I think you should all talk about it and come to some type of agreement but if you feel that you’re not able to take her in, stick firmly to your “no” response.

If you’re against it now it won’t get any better in the future if they guilt you into taking her in.
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What was your mother's plan for her old age?

This was HER job, not yours.

There are public funding programs for the indigent.
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I have to agree. Undertaking caretaking when you are ready, willing and able is hard enough; going into it because you're being guilted into it is a recipe for disaster. Is there any reason why mom can't go into assisted living if she needs help? I think you should tell everyone, gently but firmly, no, this is not a job you are willing to do. You deserve to have a life, too.
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I am so sorry.  NO is a complete sentence.   The family should consult an eldercare attorney regarding Medicaid availability and a geriatric manager if necessary regarding options.   I would start looking online at nearby facilities.
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