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For the past 3-4 months my 93 year old mother (with stage 5-6 dementia), says that she wishes she was dead every time we visit, often, many times during the visit. I have answered, "God will take you when He's ready for you." I asked what I could do for her to help her not think this way. She can't think of anything to make her want to remain living. She eats and sleeps well and has no medical problems. She's lived alone for the past 30 years before the dementia, so is not very social with the other residents.
She's aware that her memory is gone, that she can't figure things out anymore and that she's confused at times. I've asked the staff at the memory care facility if she tells them she wants to die and the nurse said no. I asked the nurse to get in touch with the doctor to ask about anti-depressants but, knowing how poorly very elderly people metabolize medicines, I'm not sure that would be the best answer either. She was always a drama queen in her adult life and bordering hypochondriac.
Is she fishing for more attention from my husband and me or is she just expressing her real opinion to me, something she wouldn't say to the caregivers.
I've tried diversion (good for about 5 minutes) and explaining the benefits of living (waste of breath). What's the best way to respond?

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All the 'signs from Heaven' really ARE comforting Nasmir! I remember when my Dad was nearing the end, and I kept questioning everything I was doing for him, and I'd see 1:11 or 11:11 on the clock when I was feeling the most stressed out. I know that was my loved ones and guardian angel sending me a sign that everything was on track and going as planned. When I'd see those times on the clock repeatedly, I'd feel very comforted and calm. Right after he passed, I kept finding dimes & pennies everywhere, especially when I was feeling sad. The 'eleven's' kept right on coming, and still do nowadays, but not as frequently. Some would poo-poo it all away as 'nonsense', but me? I take it as true signs from our loved ones that all is well. Embrace those chills and keep looking for more signs from above.
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Nasmir, that's quite interesting about your sudden chills/feeling cold........try Googling "Spiritual Chills", and you may be surprised by what you read.
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Nasmir --
Your experience of suddenly feeling cold may be caused by what you believe it to be. I believe that when I felt sudden deep chills after my husband died, it was caused by one of my body's many responses to grief.
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No problem Nasmir, we say and do things in our grief that come out in a different way than what we meant. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mom. In my belief, she is still alive but in the spirit realm. Unfortunately, we are not able to communicate with voices in that existence until we're there too. But, since the soul/spirit is the "essence" of the person inhabiting the body, your mom is still loving you just as she did here. And you can love her back. I'll pray that your pain be replaced with comfort and a closeness with your mother in her new place of being.
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Thankless Job,
No need to apologize. It is a thankless job. We are used to being thanked,appreciated. But the dying are not always able..if ever...to thank a person.We are not aware how grateful the patient is but cannot express it.
In fact,what you are doing is a most loving act on your part because there is no thanks.
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Thanklessjob
So happy this worked for you and your mom!
I laughed when you said you painted her nails. My sister painted by aunt's nails recently; every 5 minutes... "look at my nails, they are beautiful!" It's the little things...I hope someone will polish mine!
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Every visit, (today included), I hear,"What happened to my rings? I want my rings." But the facility forbids any real jewelry. I've tried explaining this rule to her but to no avail.
So I followed the advise of vivstdr2 and bought a set at Wal-Mart. I really broke the bank, paying a whopping $8.00 for a pretty nice wedding set somewhat close to what she had. After we painted her nails, we presented the rings. It was a hit! She was really pleased and I intend to return and get another one for the other hand. Thank you vivstdr2 for your suggestion. Sometimes the solution to a simple (but annoying) problem is right under our noses. How easy this was to pacify her! You have my undying gratitude. Now I won't be badgered every visit.
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Thanks, lealonnie, for saying what I was thinking.

Nasmir,
Along with many others on this board, I am having a difficult time navigating through my mother's dementia. My mom and I were never "best friends". However, it will not be a "relief" for ME when she dies. SHE will be relieved of the agony of knowing her mind is only partially functioning, not being able to think straight, make decisions, remember people and events, take care of her own hygiene, making repetitive statements and being aware of her own confusion. I am sorry she has this disease and wish things would have been different for her.

I think I hit a nerve with you when I made the statement that my mom can manipulate a situation, even with dementia. She did that during my childhood too, nothing new.
My husband is Mexican. In his culture, all moms are on the same level as the Virgin Mary. In the beginning, he was telling me that I should go along with whatever my mom said and to move her into our house UNTIL he saw how she treated me. Even he had to concede that she could be pretty tough but he wouldn't come out and say it, like I did. For him, it's a respect thing. I, on the other hand, had lived with her for 18 years and can call a spade a spade. That doesn't mean I don't care about her or that I'll be relieved when she's dead. I pray for her daily. But, if you think I like hearing that she likes my husband better, that she doesn't like me at all and that she thinks I'm mean to her...I don't. It hurts me because I never "did it right" as a kid either.
I've done everything I can to make her comfortable, safe and happy, but, unfortunately, in her state of mind, there is no "happy".
I guess I don't conform to your image of a "good" daughter but my mom never conformed to the image of a "good" mother. I'm glad your childhood and relationship with your mom was a good one. Not all of us have that.
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Gosh, my heart goes out to you with all of this.

Someone asked once if there is a positive side to memory loss and there is: my mom now doesn't even remember any of her stuff--furniture , jewelry, none of it. And just a year or two ago, she was constantly reminding me how valuable everything was, who was getting this and that. (I never told her about the bottom falling out of the antiques market.)

Now it is all a non-issue. She is relieved of all that stress.
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Nasmir..........just wondering how you saying "Seems that it will be a relief when your mom dies" could be considered a 'helpful answer'?
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Let there be rings! Buy a bag of rigs at the craft store- Michael's. You can even pick up a few at the $1 store. Small pleasure.
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Ah, the 'stolen jewelry issue' that seems to be rampant in care facilities. I bought my mother a sterling silver heart necklace with some of Dad's ashes in it, which I knew was a mistake b/c she hates everything I give her. Well, about 2 weeks later, it 'was stolen' by one of the thieves who works at the ALF. Mom got a whole group of women all worked up about the 'theft', to the point where they too had 'jewelry stolen'. One of the women brought it up to the Executive Director, who told her he couldn't do anything about it, but she should feel free to call the Sheriff. That's exactly what the woman did......she called the Sheriff. Both the Sheriff and the Executive Director knocked on my mother's door (since she started the whole thing to begin with) for a statement. Mom, of course, was horrified and told them she had NOTHING to say, PERIOD, and closed the door. None of the women had any statements to issue, in fact, so the 'jewelry theft' matter was closed. At least until the next 'theft' occurs. Two days later I went over to her apartment and pulled out her jewelry box. Guess what I found in the drawer? Yep. The 'stolen' necklace........right where she put it.

Thanklessjob...........I do believe that even with dementia, these women are in possession of enough of their minds to still create drama & manipulation. Old habits die awfully hard.

JessieBelle, I agree with you. I try very hard not to take offense at the remarks my mother makes, or take it to heart that all the other daughters/sons bend over backwards to do nice things for their folks (leaving it unsaid that HER daughter does squat), otherwise, I'd be angry and resentful 100% of the time. Not worth it.
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Thanklessjob, your mother is a jewel. I know exactly what your talking about. Mine will do the same thing. My mother still has a lot of her faculties, but can contradict herself in the same sentence. And just because she says something one time doesn't mean anything. For example, she asked me to buy a lotion for her dry hands. I did. Then she asked me what possessed me to buy the terrible stuff. That was okay. I now have some wonderful lotion for myself.

One thing I've learned is to not take issue with some negative remark made. If I take issue, it makes it stick in her mind, with her version becoming fact. If I let it pass, then it is more likely forgotten. This is easier said than done, since some remarks can really make me angry. I have to remind myself not to react to some indictment she is making except maybe to make light of it. It's almost like she saves the hot-button issues to use when she wants to push my buttons. She seems to enjoy doing that. Why, I don't know, so it's better not to have any buttons to push.
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I guess I wasn't aware that dementia patients could be confused BUT still have enough of their "old selves" left to manipulate a situation.

My hubby arrived at her room first today and she started bad mouthing me. He was trying to tell her how nice I was but she told him, "I like you much better, I really don't like her. She treats me badly." I was standing outside the door and heard it all. When I went in, hubby brought up what she had said and she vehemently denied ever saying that. I told him (in Spanish) that she's not going to admit to saying it in front of me. Even though she asked me how old she was and how long we've been married at least 8 times in the hour we were there, she still could get out of admitting what she just said when she needed to. Manipulative.

Now she wants me to bring her rings to her (worth a substantial amount) but the facility (of course) says no. I've tried to explain the policy to her but that does no good. Today she told me that the lady she sits with for meals stole her 2 rings (there were no rings to steal). Her next sentence was that she wanted me to bring more rings. I got out of it with logic (for a change). "Mom, if the lady just stole your 2 rings, then why do you want me to bring more, for them to be stolen also?" She was speechless. 1 point for the underdog!

Scott,
I'm sure you had a great mom, who showed you she loved you very much. She would not want you to be living with guilt, as I'm sure you did all you could. That said, if you have read any of the stories on this site, you'd realize that some (many) of us grew up with less than stellar parents. Some were down right rotten. My mom falls in between those two. My mother never liked women, perceiving them as a threat, and I am a woman! Her words of not liking me (above) are TRUE. And I have never done anything to deserve that, it's just how it was/is. Even in stage 5-6 dementia, she'll deny what she admitted to my husband in front of me but the truth comes out when I'm not there. She would not want to live with me and I certainly would not want to live with her. I have done the absolute best I can for her and I will suffer NO guilt when she passes because I know how she really felt about me and, in spite of that, I did the best I could do for her.
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Thankless.......LOVE IT! If we play our cards right, we can turn the manipulation games around quite nicely!

Scott....if I moved my mother in with me out of guilt, I'd wind up horribly resentful which would benefit nobody. I do what I can for her, and spend time with her, even though it never feels like enough , no matter WHAT. I am not sure ANY offspring is ever left totally guilt free after they pass, or feeling that we did "enough". I'm so sorry you lost you mom, and hope you can realize you did plenty.
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I can only tell you I lost my mom at 89 this past year to a urinary infection and I regret things I did not do with her now more than ever and I did alot with her but the guilt is still there,Dont put yourself through this,same guilt,Do whatever she wants mayve even moving her in with you..
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I visited Mom last Sunday. When she saw me, she went into theatrics that she was "dying". I told her that she didn't look like she was dying and that we had come to take her out to lunch.That was the end of her dying!
The car trip and the lunch went well but, on the trip back to the facility, she started telling me that she didn't like where she lives. I cut to the chase and told her that she needed the care a facility offers and that I would start looking for another place. She thought about that for a minute, then said that she'd rather stay at the home where she lives. I, feeling a bit frisky, I played the devil's advocate saying she shouldn't stay where she isn't happy. She told me that she didn't know if she'd be happy anywhere else, but I persisted.
(Me) "But you just said that you weren't happy here, so I'll move you somewhere else."
(Mom) "Oh, no, maybe that's not a good idea."
(Me) "I only want your happiness, Mom."
(Mom) "No, I don't want to move anywhere, I don't mind it here."
Wow, a complete 180 in 4 sentences. Manipulation?

In regards to the baby doll, my mom isn't confused enough for that. She wasn't a warm, loving, nurturing parent anyway, probably like that grandma was. She never had pets and would find them annoying. It would be nice, however, if I could find something that could "engage" her. She said "no" to puzzles, games, crafts and the like. She can't read anymore and she's not able to concentrate on TV programs. I'm at a loss for what would enrich her life.
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I think it's really sad that people can't choose to die medically when they get to a point that they are in so much pain or bedridden, just existing, wanting to die every day...making life soooo difficult for everyone around them! i for sure am going to take my life and just go to sleep with an overdose of medication!!! there really is NO reason to live at that point for anyone!!
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I just read through the responses. My mother says "I just want to die" quite often. When she says it, it is anger. She doesn't really want to die. I never know when to expect it. Sometimes she creates situations in her mind that make her angry. Sometimes she just feels like she's lost control of her life. When she says it in anger, I know it is a dart she is throwing, so don't pay much mind.

Occasionally she has said it when she is frustrated or sad. I answer her by asking if she wants to die today. She ponders and says no. Well, okay then. I've heard the words enough times now that I'm immune to them. I realize that there will come a day when she says them and means them. I don't know if I'll still be alive on that day, since I'm starting to wonder which of us will pass first.
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My 95-year-old Mom has MCI with short-term memory loss. She has CNAs in the home 24/7 because she is very frail and has a history of falling. She needs a walker to get around the house. Her biggest problems are recurrent UTIs and the need to get up to the toilet every 2 hours or so during the night. I visit for 7-14 days once a month and take care of her most of the time. She tells me every day she prays to God to take her during the night. This is very hurtful to me, but she is miserable, sees no end to her condition. Getting up during the night, with constant thirst, calling for water, etc. means neither she nor I get much sleep. For a while, I kept reminding her that her grandson and wife were about to have a baby and didn't she want to live long enough for that event (baby was born May 31), but now there's nothing more to live for. She doesn't have chronic illnesses such as heart disease, diabetes, etc., so she could live to 100! My brother is pushing to put her in a NH ASAP, but I'm sure she'll be unhappy, left her a wet diaper overnight and go downhill quickly. But I can't continue to make the monthly visits indefinitely. Thankfully, I'm headed to Hawaii this Sat. for a few weeks. Dread getting phone calls or emails; she often ends up in the ER for minor problem when I'm away.
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I just googled it and the video came right up. Interesting, may be something you want to try.
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I just watched a video on facebook about a grandmother with Alzheimers who said to wanted to die and her granddaughter brought her a baby doll. It was so cute and it seems many people have tried this with good outcomes.
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Nasmir --
You've brought up a good point. During the time my mother with dementia was just "existing" in our family room, my 14 year old began acting out in school and I was afraid I would lose my new job for taking off so much time from work. I finally found a good family run group home for her.
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Bringing in animals to a nursing home, or children - I can't begin to tell you how much the residents love that. Their faces postively light up. It is so touching. I wish I had a dog or a child now, I would bring either along on my visits.
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You already have great insight into your situation. My mom just passed away from Alzheimer's at 82 years old earlier this year. I was her primary caregiver and kept her in my house for the last 5 years with some help from my 2 siblings, but it was mainly me and my daughter since she was 18 y/o. I've wondered many times what we should learn from all this. The Bible does tell us to honor our parents and being there for them is a big way to do this. My mom would sit on my couch and say "I just don't understand what's happening to me." I would try to explain it to her best I could and just tell her to try not to worry because we were going to take care of her. I think you're right about learning patience, empathy and compassion. There are so many things in the last 5 years I wish I did differently. I wasn't as patient as I feel I could've been. It wasn't my mom's fault she was going through what she was going through and at the same time, I'm not a healthcare worker and was just trying to fumble my way through each new situation at it was arising. I'm still trying to figure out how to get through each day without her because she was such a big part of my life. Now for sure I do have more empathy and compassion for people going through the same situation because before I didn't fully understand it. The Bible also says that we go through trials so we can better understand how to help others. But trials are painful, if they weren't I guess we wouldn't learn from them. God bless you!!
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Well, I followed the advise (to open up conversation) and I was mildly surprised with the answer. When she mentioned it again last Sunday, I said, "Mom, why do you say you want to die?", she was speechless. She didn't say a word for a good minute and a half. I think she would have let the subject drop but I pressed on. She said she was unhappy because she has a chronic headache that nothing can cure. (That's true, the doctors have tried absolutely everything. It's from the dementia and it's more auditory noises and voices in her head than an actual headache. If Morphine doesn't phase the pain, then it's not real pain. Also, don't forget, this is the hypochondriac speaking.)
When I asked what I could do for her, she said, "Oh, I don't know." Then she said, (smiling) "Sometimes I say that but I don't really mean it." I asked her if she was trying to make me feel bad and she said, "I have no idea." Same answer to why she doesn't tell the staff at the memory care facility that she wants to die. "I don't know."

Seems to me like this is a way to get attention/sympathy. The smile during the confession that she "doesn't mean it" says it all. Sure Mom, do anything you can to get more sympathy, more attention, make me feel bad/inadequate. At least I know the truth now and won't respond the next time it's said. Once a narcissist, always (even in Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's) a narcissist. Glad I didn't waste a lot of emotional time on this "problem".
Even though I found the reason why MY mother says such things, I'm not discounting that other dementia sufferers (or just the elderly in general) may mean something different and may need different intervention.
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Thanklessjob has posted that her mother has advanced dementia. If I were in that condition and I was telling my daughter that I wanted to die all the time, I think I would appreciate a medication that could lift my mood. I wouldn't want to feel low all the time and if meds could help with that, I would welcome them.
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Can't remember if I weighed in on this--my mother used the threat of suicide all my life as a way to "control" us kids. 5/6 of us ignored her, I took it seriously and, wow, still in therapy to get through some of the residual anxiety and drama of that (b/c she'd tell us "You'll find me dead somewhere and it will be YOUR fault"--put that on a 5 year old and see how they turn out....) Anyway, now she's 86 and slowly crumbling, she has no desire to die, in fact states quite openly that she plans to live another 20 years. Go figure.

If she said to me now "I want to die" or "I am going to kill myself" I would respond either . "Yes, you will die someday" or (to the suicide threat) "Please don't leave a mess". Sounds heartless, I know, but she does not have much dementia now--just a general forgetfulness that is getting worse (my 64 yo hubby is WAY more "demented" than she is).

IF she had dementia, I would be much more understanding. She's a drama queen and we're all tired of her antics.
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When I spoke to my mother this morning, she told me she 'wants to die' yet again, so I pulled out one of the comments used here and said, "You're talking to the wrong person, tell God" to which she started crying & saying " I DO, every single day and night." I went over there during my work lunch hour (lives in an ALF) and she was holding court and stuffing herself with lunch. These comments of hers are designed to get a rise out of me, nothing more. And again, I rose to the bait and went over to make sure all was ok. It's alright though, I do it out of concern, but oh brother, I guess I'm the biggest patsy on earth. She spent the entire lunch time talking about the other women (and in Italian, so nobody would know) and complaining they forgot to toast her bread.

Certain behaviors are reserved for certain people. Her mask falls off with ME and me ONLY, now that my Dad is gone. I will try to remember that the next time she's crying and telling me she wants to die.
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By the way, during the day, like now, when i tell her how she behaves in the evenings, some of them, she thinks she's an asshole and admits that she does not really want to die and is grateful for being here with me.
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