Having always been a "good daughter" one that was truly close to my mother, the one who always heard, " we wouldn't know what to do without you." The accusations and hostility have put me in a place I never dreamed I would be. I have become a pariah to my mother. She has moderate stage Alzheimer's and everyone knows this but her. She has absolutely no self awareness that she has greatly impaired short term memory and that a great deal of her executive functions are misfiring. She has a diagnosis of Alzheimer's but further testing was not possible due to her complete unwillingness to even acknowledge the slightest possibility that she has some "issues". She has blamed me all along for everything stating that were it not for me telling a bunch of lies to doctors she would be just fine. She is angry and depressed and it has now escalated to the point where she outright accuses me of stealing and hiding her jewelry, hiding her personal belongings, rummaging through all her drawers, closets, cabinets, pantry and taking all sorts of things. Her house is a disaster (she is what we call a obsessive compulsive "germaphobe" hoarder") She has years and years and years of stuff crammed into every single inch of her house and somehow she has completely forgotten that it's her mess and thinks I have sneaked into her house and created mayhem. She goes on rummaging tangents late at night that the caregivers cannot distract her from taking everything out of drawers and cabinets then the next morning flipping out ranting how I came into her house and created the mess. She lives in her home of over 40 years and it would take an act of God to get her anywhere else and boy would there be hell to pay if we even tried. I have tried every strategy in every single Alzheimer's or dementia resource I can get my hands on (books, tapes, youtube videos, support groups) .Absolutely nothing diminishes her compete hostility towards me to the extent that I now don't go over to her house at all unless accompanied by my husband and at that I only sit on a chair in the kitchen, with my hands in my lap.
What I am not able to do is disengage from the vitriol she spews bad-mouthing me to anyone who will listen. She is surprisingly articulate, fast with the point-counter point conversations and appears quite rational other than the fact that she is 100% delusional and paranoid and making up complete falsehoods about me. Everyone in the family knows she is making things up (she believes them obviously) but it still hurts. I have literally done nothing wrong, taking the very best care of my mom, tending to all her needs (social, physical, emotional) and now this is where I find myself: the rest of the family and her paid caregivers (the two she will tolerate in her home) are treated lovingly, warmly and welcomed. I am scowled at, barely spoken to and berated. When I call her attempting light hearted conversation she rudely and curtly answers and hangs up with a goodbye. She refuses to tell me she loves me yet tells the caregivers she loves them and would "like to adopt them". I know all the textbook answers but this is so unfair and like I said, it hurts and is like a black cloud over my life. Intellectually I know what I am supposed to be doing. Although emotionally I feel like a child who's been falsely accused. Part of me is outraged at the injustice of it all; part of me understands she has a sick brain. BUT why or why is this sickness aimed solely at me?
Please advise how to get my heart and head in sync and to what extent should I hang in there allowing my mom to denigrate me or do I just turn the other cheek? How do you set boundaries with a person who is demented? I don't get this. Thanks for your insight.
So sad. So fricking unfair. SOOOOO AWFUL!!!!!!!!!
Caregiving someone you love with dementia who makes you the "designated bad guy" is a terrible path to walk.
Some choose to step off it, at least temporarily, in order to heal.
Some can laugh it off and push on, declaring "well, maybe TODAY she'll remember that she loves me."
There are no easy answers here. What is happening, I think, is that the little kid that remains inside us all is always easily hurt by unfairness from our parents.
We can tolerate treatment that is less than wonderful by others (bosses, co-workers, even our own kid), but unfair treatment from a parent has an ability to wound us in our tenderest places.
You may find it helpful to hang out here and vent, seek solace and help others who are on the same journey.
You may find that talking to a therapist or counselor is a comforting thing to do (I certainly did, as my mother progressed).
I wish I had better answers for you. Again, welcome and (((((((hugs)))))))).
The individuals with dementia that do this kind of thing usually demonize the ones who are closest. You're handy. They see you the most. Their damaged brain contrives that you are the cause of all their problems.
I've been there. It hurts like nothing else. The lies. The criticism. The rejection. Your head says: "Ignore it. She doesn't know what she's doing." Your heart says: "Don't you know who I am? I'm your daughter! Why are you treating me this way???" (Primal scream)
I don't have all the answers, but I can tell you what I did. It's called "low or no contact." It sounds harsh. But harsh circumstances call for harsh measures.
Step back. It will give you breathing space and relief. If and when you do decide to place yourself in the line of fire and she starts to act out, just walk away. If she's in the car with you, take her back home to her caregiver. If you're sharing a meal with her and she starts up, just get up and walk away. Conversationally, you might respond, "Mom, you seem to be having a bad day. I'll come back (or call back) when you're feeling better." Look up "gray rock" on this forum or online for a helpful method to maintain when you're around her. I would not, under any circumstances, move her in with you. Ever. Prepare yourself: there always seem to be clueless people ready to criticize. Ignore them and take care of yourself.
If you're lucky, as your mom progresses into her dementia, she may stop this behavior (as mine is gradually doing). In the meantime, count me among the many who have walked the same path. It hurts like hell. It isn't fair. Come here and tell us how you're progressing (or not!) (((((Hugs)))))
Here's a little insight to how cagey and manipulative she is that makes it so hard for me to get into my head (and heart) that this is all the Alzheimers: one day last week when I had called her in the evening (as I have done my entire adult life) just to say hello and see how her evening was going. We used to have nice chats and even if she was complaining or seemed depressed, we always ended our conversation with an "I love you". She was obviously mad at me, the conversation was one sided with her responding in short curt answers. So I finally wrapped it up saying, "Well, I will let you go. I hope you have a good rest of your evening, I love you!" She hung the phone up without saying so much as a good bye. The next day, her caregiver told me: When your mom hung up the phone last night, she said to me, "She will be calling me back. I didn't tell her I loved her. She will be calling me back".
The funny/sad thing is, I almost DID call her back! But I knew if I did, I would have to listen to a rant about how I didn't really love her or I wouldn't be stealing from her, putting strangers in her house, destroying her closet, taking her car from her, making her a prisoner in her own home!
So she intentionally did not tell me she loved me, counting on me to call her back and she would have pounced on the opportunity! THAT is manipulation. How is it that someone with significant Alzheimer's can be so manipulative with just one person?
That's the sort of thing I having the hardest time dealing with!
So I will keep on being the person I want to be and use your great words most likely frequently! Thanks for your wisdom. And truly sorry you've walked this path.
This will pass. Your mother is very angry, and she is also very frightened. Making herself believe that somebody else is causing her life to disintegrate around her gives her temporary relief - she has a scapegoat. And because you were the closest to her and the most involved... you're it.
How can she believe that somebody who loves her so tenderly, that she has always loved so tenderly, could be the villain? It would be monstrous. But because what is happening is so dreadful, even that makes a certain sense. Only something really terrible could cause something this terrible.
It WILL pass. Think of this as your mother going through the worst stages of a physical illness.
Then, how do you protect yourself from having to witness and experience the worst of it? Your mother has caregivers - who is providing this service? Are you in touch with other professionals experienced in dementia care? I'm sorry to note that you've tried support groups and found it didn't help - would that be worth another go?
Then the day to day contact: it's grim, but set yourself a schedule of visits and calls that you're happy with, and for the time being don't expect to enjoy them. Look on them (for now) as a duty: you're doing this partly to check up on her, and partly to maintain her recognition of you. I mean, you could back off completely and wait, but if you were to do that it might be harder to reestablish your relationship later.
Meanwhile. If you have HIPAA authorisation, and a strong relationship with your mother's care providers, ask for advice on pushing forward with investigations. Your mother will not consent, okay; that's an obstruction for the time being; but ultimately her loss of mental function will become so apparent that her consent won't be an issue. Are you in touch with the specialist who diagnosed her Alzheimer's? Do you have that person's initial report to work with?
I am taking baby steps to do what needs to be done. As an example up until recently I would take her to the grocery store which she insisted on doing. Talk about an exercise in patience!! Then I finally just started to go the store myself for her once a week. Well that blew up in my face: she accused me of swiping things out of her pantry while I was putting groceries away. So then I would bring the groceries in, sit down and let the Caregiver put them away. That didn't work...she would claim she saw me "pilfering" in her cabinets! So ta-dah! Just now when the caregiver called me to give me the weekly grocery list, I am ordering them on-line to have delivered by Safeway! My daughter with four kids loves their service. They bring it right into the kitchen and will not even accept a tip! Baby steps!
I also have to follow up on a few dental appointments and hearing aid audiologist appoints within the next few weeks. I will be making sure the one daytime caregiver whom she still likes (praise the Lord!) accompanies us.
Serenity prayer, one day at a time and I truly think I am going to start going to daily mass (it helps keep me centered) and BACK TO THE GYM!!!
Thank you for your on-line friendship!!!
Thank you for the hugs. I REALLY need them. I swear, having such warm replies with insightful advice is like having answered prayers and Grace raining down on me. I am sorry that this is your experience too. We all have this somewhat innate sense of fairness. How many times do we say as a child, "that's not fair" or hear adults say "play fair". We talk about Fair Housing, fair employment laws...etc., etc., etc.,! So we profoundly hope (and expect) our most beloved relationships will "be fair". I have to get over this. Life is not fair! I used to tell my own kids this when they would complain about our not having a pool in the backyard (we live in Phoenix) and all their friends had pools. I would say, life is not fair. Such and such is driving a new Escalade and we have an old Suburban and such and such just got back from Hawaii and we're stuck in Phoenix all summer .I would point out to them that we were still better off than 99.99% of the world's population. So I guess I better get back on my own mental "soap box" and give myself a fairness lecture!
Big hug to you in Brooklyn!!!
"who put LaraLu in charge?"
Er, you did, mother! And signed it, right here. Hugs to you both.
I've said the, "mom, you don't seem to be feeling very well today and are not acting appropriately towards me. I'm going to leave and come back when you're feeling and treating me better." IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM!!!!! I figured she was being well cared for, there was no longer a need for me to be there, and I was being verbally abused which I will not stand for so I left!
It's hard I know. But until you go through this situation you will never understand. As I've said here before, it's for all these situations that you never know what people are going through that I will never judge someone else's situation ever again.
Please know....you're not alone.
The real question now is not really whether or not you recognize that what she is doing has no basis in reality. I am certain you DO recognize that.
The question now is safety and placement of your Mother. She needs to be in a safe place receiving care. If this means calling EMS or adult protective to get her into placement, this is what you must do.
The question now is not the silly things her disease says. The question is who has power of attorney for health care, who is guardian of your Mom, who is the power of attorney to pay the bills on someone who is no longer living in reality.
As I said, for all intent and purpose your real Mom is gone. Unfortunately, someone must now take over responsibility to care for this person who has taken your Mom's place within her body and see that she is safe and cared for until her demise.
To be frank, once your Mom is safely placed, if your visits continue to disturb her, I would curtail visits, limit them, and move on with your life. I am so very sorry for your loss, but your Mom is gone. A disease took her. And there is nothing to be done about that.
You do mention she has caregivers and family other than yourself. If she has stuck in her head that you are evil, then spare her having to be with you, because no one will convince her otherwise. Until you or someone else can come up with a cure this is the new reality. I am so very very sorry for all you have lost.
If that doesn't work . Limit your visits and cut down on the time you spend with her.
I could go on and on myself! But you get the idea. The trained caregivers do everything in their power to re-direct, calm her down, or engage in another thought or activity. To no avail. If they get her to talk about something else she jumps right back to ME as the source of all her problems. LOL...at this point the poor caregivers try as hard as humanly possible to not even mention my name lest it set her off!
Her anger towards me has absolutely no basis in reality.