My husband passed away peacefully on Sunday, following an 8-day hospitalization, a three week stay in a skilled nursing facility and 24 hours at home in hospice. His family were all here and it was a relatively easy passing. Now I am riddled with guilt about the angry feelings that were a big part of his final months as I tried to deal with his violent behavior-a horrible part of frontal/temporal lobe dementia with vascular issues as well. His passing left me at once relieved and in deep mourning. And now that I am no longer a caregiver, who am I? To top it off I will, on Dec. 1st, lose nearly half my income, as his pension plan is that kind. I guess I really knew this, but the reality of it is going to kick in soon. There is no life insurance, and our home was sold in May with a move to a small apartment, allowing money to pay off a few bills and the many expenses his illness requires, yet one that I will no longer be able to afford, but for which I signed a year long lease in August. I alternate between determination to get paperwork done, planning a committal service, being absolutely numb and shedding tears of loss. The one light is that we had purchased a funeral plan that has been a true godsend. I try hard to remember the years when we were happy. He was a quiet, yet funny and joyfully talented man I fell in love with the night we met. I am alone for the first time in 38 years, and my fear grows daily.
As far as your living situation, I would try to hook up with the local social services agency and see if you can get help finding affordable housing. Help is out there if you look for it.
You are going through a big transition right now. I would advise leaning on friends and family for support. Better yet, find a caregiver support group of some sort. Even though that is no longer your role, you still need the support and understanding of others who are or have been in your position. I wish you well.
As unfair as you think it was to be angry at him at times, it is that you feel guilty for feeling what ever you felt at whatever point in your journey of caregiving She. The path we get to walk as caregivers who love and give up a lot -a lot- for those we love is filled with the widest array of feelings resulting from all the ups and downs, and more downs, and more downs, and ups we go through. We are entitled to feel. But we keep caring despite it all. So, be fair to yourself.
A big hug sent your way and hope that some peace and calm comes to your mind and heart very soon!
Glad that you're moving on with your life.
As soon as I knew I needed to move, I told the manager my situation right away and why I had to move. The manager tried to find a new tenant for my place, so that I would only be responsible for up to the month the place was rented out. In both instances, it took about a month or two to find a new tenant.
Another option you can use, if the manager is reluctant to help you out, is to sublease your place to someone else. You can advertise on Craigslist, or local newspapers, or senior center if your place is a senior only place. In this case, you have to do a bit more work yourself to make sure you sublease to someone who is credit worthy and will pay rent on time. So, there is a risk if you go this route.
And She1934 - I am sorry you lost the quiet, funny, joyful and talented husband with whom you fell in love at first night you met. I am sorry he gave you so much heartaches during his final years. But I am glad you are now relieved from that suffering. And your husband is now at rest and in peace.
Please post any and all questions you have in the days ahead. Things that seem simple are not so simple when you're grieving and worrying about finances. Questions about breaking the lease, how to deal with SS office, moving, anything, someone here would know and give you answers or suggestions.
We are here to help.
I hope you find peace and comfort in the days ahead, however it comes to you. In time, you will forget the heart breaking recent past and you will remember the quiet sweet man you loved for so long. It all just takes time. Many hugs to you. Becky
If your husband we’re still here, I suspect he would want you to focus on managing your finances and practical matters to the best of your ability without worrying over his last months. He would want to know you are safe and not distracted by unnecessary guilt about him. Cry when you need to cry to let it out but don’t dwell as it will make your present more difficult. My condolences for your loss and may you find strength to address your practical matters one step at a time.
Remember fondly all the happiness You and Your Husband shared in 38 years and how Blessed Both of You were to meet that night and fall in love and share a Life time of happily married Life together.
Ask some member of Your Family to help You with all of the paper work when You are ready to deal with it, but first give Yourself time to mourne and to grieve Your Husbands Loss.
Write down the numbers and look at them. Present fears are less than horrible imaginings. It will then be clear whether or not you can let this go. If you can't keep the apartment even with reasonable economy, then you need to negotiate an early termination of the lease. Was there no break clause at three or six months? Even if not, in the circumstances it's reasonable to expect some latitude from the lessor.
Ideally you could place this in the hands of a trusted friend or advisor. Do you not have anyone to turn to?
The thing is, you need to be free to sit still and grieve. Once this very real problem is under control it will stop polluting your thoughts and you can take the time you need. Otherwise I'd say don't try to do anything at all until you're ready, but I think the worry is really making the pain worse, isn't it?
So very sorry for your loss and the emotions that you are having and facing. Praying for you.
You will be ok, it is still very fresh.
I am very sorry for your loss. No matter how close death is, it always seems to bring with it a measure of surprise.
I know you only had the one day of hospice but they do have grief counselors. Perhaps they can help you begin to piece the bits together.
i hope you can get some good rest before you tackle all the logistics.
Hugs
Baby steps. Funeral first then SS to find out what u can receive. Give yourself time and baby steps. Talk to ur landlord, maybe he will be willing to let u out of the lease under the circumstances.