Been with my spouse over 5 yrs. He is exceptionally close to his parents. Had them over to spend the night once a week for years. I always assumed that was a thing he did when he was single, but he continued that even when we started dating and even when we moved in together. Every weekend.
His father became sick 10 months ago and has been in the hospital ever since. Partner visits his dad daily, spending anywhere from 4-9 hours (including commuting time) at the hospital. His mother is healthy but meek and anxiety prone so she hasn’t been able to do things on her own. Eg wont drive by herself, needs the family to shuttle her around. He moved her in with us on a temporary basis because she doesn’t like being alone and he’s worried for her health. We’ve had to piece together their financial picture because the dad did everything and the mom isn’t capable of doing these things. We’ve become the parents.
He eventually lost his job because he was just going to the hospital and taking care of his mom. So now I’m supporting us both with his mother still living with us. There’s no end in sight to this arrangement.
How do I remain supportive. but still keep myself? It’s hard to not be depressed and we aren’t even at the point where we will be doing full time care. I’m at a lost on what to do.
Eventually you will know where Mom stands financially. Her age will have a lot to do with adjustment. I assume she has a house that can be sold. At that point, and depending on her age, it will be time for her to make the decision on where is she going to live. If no health problems and can do her ADLs, maybe a nice Independent living. She will get her meals, socialization, activities and outings. Your husband may find Moms problem was Dad. She may bloom on her own. Transportation to shop and get to appts is usually provided.
Your caring DH may well be very raw. He also may refocus his helping nature onto his Mother. Just as BlueEyed said, your MIL will refocus her needs onto him.
I agree that this time of grief, change & transition may benefit from councelling.
MIL will be starting her next life stage. She may like to explore her options & obtain support too from a grief councellor or faith leader?
Why be a widow dependant on your Son & DIL for everything, inc all socialisation? Why not join a village life, with other people, women & men, for outings, activities, happy hour. Embrace this next stage.
When I read your story - I was reminded of my FIL's "solution" to his need for care as he aged. He never had a plan. It was MIL first, then when she passed, he fully expected one of his children to step in. He sort of "lucked" into SIL and her DH falling on hard times and needing a roof over their own heads and needing his financial assistance, because his other solution would have gotten him laughed right out of my house. And it got him laughed right out of my DH's presence when he suggested it. His brilliant idea was for DH to come take care of him...permanently. Now...I should clarify. Not DH....and myself (his wife of almost 30 years now) and our daughters (one of whom has Autism and is still in college and lives at home). JUST DH. He expected him to leave his family..PERMANENTLY to take care of him.
My point...sometimes our elderly parents aren't very realistic in their future plans. Some of them DO expect their adult children to provide their care permanently without regard to what it means for their lives. And in your case, your DH has given no indication that he won't be completely on board with this plan. And you add to that your MIL's learned helplessness - your DH is going to feel as if he can't possibly turn your MIL out to fend for herself. How on earth will she take care of herself, after all.
If you haven't already - I think you definitely need to look into counseling. For yourself. For your marriage. This transition already wasn't going to be easy. But considering the situation - it's going to be nearly impossible to extricate your MIL from your home. And does your DH plan to return to work now that FIL no longer needs his constant presence at the hospital? You said that MIL is healthy, just meek. That means she doesn't really need him to take care of her. He should have plenty of time to return to work. Help you support your family. Whether she stays or not.
I think right now you have to let things settle down because FIL's death is very fresh. But I think you have a lot of thinking to do. What your DH does now will tell you what you need to do. He needs time to grieve of course. But he shouldn't just settle in with MIL permanently to sit around all day and do nothing but hang out while you continue to work and take care of both of them.
I wish you all of the best. This is a difficult position to find yourself in and I hope you find the right answers.
Not to mention his mother now lives with you. I have news for you mom is there to stay.
The only bright spot in this is that you gave a good paying job and can leave and find your own place or kick him out of your current place if it gets to be to much for you.
Something compulsory controls his thinking & emotions with regard to his parental duties that is fueling this. GUILT if he doesn't.... SHAME if he doesn't... Even FEAR of some sort. Again, no doubt by a constant drumbeat was instilled into him throughout his formative years. Undoing such a thing, is no easy task. People in gen, consider their emotions true ie allow them to control their minds perceptions of the world around them. U trust me and I tell you your best friend is lying on you, what do your emotions do? But your friend did no such thing, is loyal to you. Emotions react they do not think/reason. Therefore a mother or dad that molds a boy thru guilt to always react pos+ to any requests or demands they make, no matter how ridiculous, grows into a man who to AVOID GUILT or SHAME, just always says YES< YES< YES<, how high can I jump for you to avoid feeling bad about myself. The word is CONTROL!
But this is only true if it fits their situation. Your on the inside, ask questions, try to put together what is the cause of this. For $200.00 an hour a stranger can talk you thru it or we can all do our own homework and initiate necessary discussions our mates can handle from time to time to deep dive and learn what happened. What ever the control is, it has to be broken. You can't begin to break or chip away at something when you don't know where to start or what you are directly dealing with.
Men don't like to be analyzed by their wives no directly questioned. Your best tactic for success is to initiate everyday seemingly innocent inquiries when they pop up. Keep your eyes open for entries to such inquiries that won't feel like interrogations nor place him in a place of answering to you about why this or that about what he does with his mom & dad. Just coaxing stories of his childhood and interactions with his parents that might shed details on exactly what happened and how it came to be. Then you can see the progression to the present and be in a far better place to help him see the dysfunctionality he now sees as functionality. Place to start...
You knew this was abnormal but went along with it. And you're still going along with it now, Hubby is part of the problem but so are you because you will not enforce your boundaries.
Re: "Partner visits his dad daily, spending anywhere from 4-9 hours (including commuting time) at the hospital."
There is no need for this unless his father is very close to death. He can get another job and stop by the hospital after work and on weekends.
DO SOMETHING and enforce it. Complaining endlessly doesn't change things.
DH changes, or you do.
My DH was 34 when we married. Second one for me first for him. He did live home until he bought a house a year before. But he had gone to college and lived down the shore. Told me it was just convenient so he could save up for a house. He did for his parents, paid for a roof for their house and to have city water brought in. Among other things. But when we married, that all stopped. He now had me, a child and cat to support. I did work until my/our 2nd daughter was born. His family became #1. I was #1 which I don't think his Mom liked.
I really don't think I would have moved in knowing his parents visited every weekend. You don't say dating, moving in together and then married. Are you married? If not then I look at this differently than if u were. You now see what your future is going to be. Caring for his parents. His Dad was safe in the Hospital. Would he have jeopardized his job if you weren't there able to support him? He could have applied for Family leave and taken the time in increments. He then would have a job to go back to.
If your married, a little different but seems you are getting all the responsibility. Looks like to me Dad will never recover if he hasn't by now. Looks like he maybe 24/7 care. Maybe even Hospice care and ur partner and Mom won't except it. Bet ur partner will want to bring him home to care for him. So then u have these two people living with you or you with them. Are you willing to work from home with 2 people in your home vying for you and partners attention. To me, what you want will be of no importance because Mom and Dad are #1.
Seems to me you are not some 20 something year old still kind of naive. Your a woman who holds down a job that its felt u can do from home. Maybe lived on her own b/f moving in. Single or married, is this what you want for the next 10 to 20 yrs. There are members with parents 100 yrs old and older. Do you want your life centered around these two?
If your married, your partner needs to understand that you became #1 when he married. Your needs override his parents. If Dad is 24/7 care, he needs to be placed once discharged. If Mom wants to care for him and find the resources to help with that, then that is her choice. But your partner should not take on the responsibility. She and her son need to realize that he needs to get back to work. He needs those earnings for SS later. Dad being like this may now be his norm. So everyone needs to get back to their lives.
Your DH has it good. A wife who works and supports him and cares for his aged mother and supports his choices to spend all day at the hospital with his sick dad. He is fine, trust me, if you asked him what the problem was that brought you to counseling you'd get a blank stare. In his mind, since you are there doing your 120%, why is there a problem????
My DH is not a bad guy, but a clueless one, like yours. I refuse to visit his mother or have anything to do with her care (she is housebound and fairly independent)..and he blames me for it. She does NOT want to see me, and he DOES NOT want to go to her house alone. So, ergo, his 'issues' with his mom are my fault.
Marriage counseling was an epic, epic fail. Dh would actually make appts and then I'd show up but he never would. Our counselor was about 85, an old fashioned alpha male if ever there was one and he NEVER called out my DH for 'missing' appts, etc and all the blame wound up on ME. I walked out halfway through our LAST appt and never went back.
Unless both parties are at least 50% 'in' to the counseling idea, it will not work. And it's expensive and usually not covered by insurance. That was another huge bugaboo. This 'counseling' cost us more than $2K and we got nothing out of it.
Your DH can find ways to be supportive of his folks while not being their only go-to. He has to want to. You wanting it for both of you is pointless.
I've heard too many cases where a spouse/partner just stands there with their hands in their pockets not knowing or not wanting to do anything to help.
I can't know the circumstances under which he took parents into the home. Did you discuss? Did you agree to do this? Did you agree to later assess or assess as you were going how this was working for each of you and the marriage in general?
At this point I would suggest marriage counseling. That is if you care to work on it that much, because this looks like some major changing of a marriage that you had little to say about, that you were not asked about.
I would sit hubby down and tell him that you were wrong not to tell him early on prior to marriage that you had some limitations and one of them was the moving of elders into your home and your marriage. That this is not working for you. That you feel you should both seek a marriage counselor to see if your marriage can be saved.
Meanwhile, you are making a salary and he is not. Time to separate your finances into accounts so that he cannot freeze and access your finances. You may be needing a divorce attorney.
Make it gently clear to this man that you love him, but having parents in the marriage who you do not love is a deal breaker for you. That you are sorry you didn't make that clear. That you love him. That you will support him, but need to separate from him if you cannot come to a time limit in which the parents will enter placement.
For myself this would be it. For you, you must make your own choices, and I sure do wish you really good luck moving forward. Don't argue, don't rage, don't enter discussion when angry. Just sit down and gently make clear that you are sorry for your limitation, but there you are; you have them.
With good boundaries.
Think of it like a sliding scale. The right support level of others leaves room for care for yourself too.
However, if too much support is given out, if there are no limits, this errodes into your own needs.
Eg Being 'supportive' of DH's decision to make extra visits to his parents - in a short term hospital acute care crises situation. It may look like.. You picking up a few extra home chores, temporarily.
However, having to run the househouse yourself, financially support the both of you - with no end timeline in sight.. IMHO crosses the line into 'enabling'.
DH is not feeling the consequences of his actions. You are. This needs to be rectified.
If he wishes to be unemployed, be at the hospital with his Father & with his Mother - he can.
But this has consequences.
He needs to move out.
Taking Mother with him.
Ay yi yi. I'm so sorry for your predicament. Would your DH (dear husband/damn husband) consider marriage counseling? Does he see that a problem exists or is he so caught up in 'helping' his parents that he doesn't realize there IS a problem? If he's agreeable, and has any spare time after hospital visiting hours are over, then by all means, go see a marriage counselor. But he will have to be WILLING to take the advice given to him, ie: get a job, be a husband, let his parents live their own lives, even if that means they move into Assisted Living, etc.
You don't know what you're up against here, I don't think. What your DH expects of you, of himself, or what his long term plans are for the future. I think you have to ask HIM what those plans are, first and foremost, and take things from there. Because if his plans are to stop working for good to care for his parents in your home full time, then you'll have some long hard thinking to do. Is that YOUR plan for the future?
Wishing you the best of luck coming up with a plan for how to tackle this problem you face.
You can also click on the magnifying glass next to Care Topics, and type in a word that seems appropriate to your issue. I tried ‘enmeshment’, and I think you will find some interesting discussions there that are really relevant for you.
Seeing other people’s experience may be a help on its own. It may also help you to work out questions that reflect your own experience.
Try this for starters! Your, Margaret
Hopefully there will be many supporters arriving soon!
I would suggest relationship counselling. Sit down with a third party to have a chance to discuss the big picture of this matter. For it is big.
From your point of view I read: Spouse has dropped his responsibilities: to be employed, to earn a living, towards joint financial commitments, to your relationship.
Of course he may see things very differently. That he IS being very responsible: to his aging parents.
If you haven't read the Boundaries book by Drs Townsend & Cloud, get your hands in a copy asap. Ignore all the Christian talk (if that's not your faith - the message cuts across all faiths). It describes how helping can become enabling. But mostly about responsibilities & boundaries setting.
While he has been concentrating on his folks day to day living tasks, he may have missed the facts they need a whole new living arrangement. Also, that this is *their* responsibility to do.