My 90-year-old mom who broke her shoulder last week called me from home today crying and asking me to get someone to come to the house and check on her. My sister who lives there and "cares for her" is not helping. I live 100s of miles away. I tried to get someone to look in on her to no avail. I finally had the local PD do a welfare check. Not only did they NOT contact her, but they also believed my sister's story that she has Alzheimer’s (first I've ever heard of this) was sleeping (which she wasn't) and said I was trying to torture her by having this welfare check! I then got a call from a male (not the PD) who told me that if I keep checking on her welfare, I was going to cause mom to get "locked up." I can hear her crying in the background, "Please, please give me my phone back." I sent the PD back, who still didn't talk to her because my sister told them that mom has dementia this time and was sleeping. A third call, and I was told that mom was detoxing from pain pills and that's why she's acting this way. My sister said that she took mom's phone away and would "kick my ass" if I flew there to try and check on her (no worries, she can't). These same people forced her to have a reverse mortgage on her paid off house on Long Island and did not give her the money or make repairs to the home. I had to purchase an oil burner for her house so she wouldn’t freeze in the winter 5 years ago when this reverse mortgage took place. Is any of this, in your collective experience, considered elder abuse and should I report it? I told my sister that I must hear from mom once a week or I will continue to call for the PD to do welfare checks (even if they are ineffective). My sister blocked me on my mother's social media, and I can only dial mom if I do it from another phones (she has me blocked on mom's phone now). Mom's local PD says they cannot force them to let mom make a phone call. I'm just so sad, remembering how she sounded when she was begging for her phone. My thought is that if they're doing right by her, what difference does it make if she uses her phone or is the subject of a welfare check? This is new territory for me. Please advise. I'm searching the internet as well. I just wanted to hear from people who have been here before. FYI, before this I talked to mom monthly, and we've always had pleasant conversations where she was alert, oriented, smart, and funny. She cooked all the meals for herself and my sister, even though mom uses a walker, until she no longer could, due to this broken shoulder. Never any indication she was in any sort of cognitive decline, for example, completely aware that my adult daughter was planning a trip to come see me in 2 weeks. This sister is a drug addict in her fifties, who never had a steady job and was investigated several times for child abuse. Her children are adults now, and want nothing to do with her, or this situation.
Have you given any thought about what you would like to see happen next if your mother is removed from your sister's care?
My hope would be for my husband and I to take mom in (we have the means) and let her enjoy her twilight years for as much, and as long as she desires. We've cared for my husband's grandmother in the past so we wouldn't be going into it blind.
To facilitate it, we'd be willing to let mom sign over her house to my sister (that's what she really wants) and her entire social security/retirement checks (sister hasnt ever had meaningful employment and has been living on mom's dole, even before she moved in to "care" for her). I'm sad that my mother is 90 and unhappy. I'm confused as to why someone would isolate her from her support group, from social media, or from just having conversations with her children, while simultaneously taking away her ability to call for help if need be. It seems counterintuitive and counterproductive. The last conversation I had with mom before this, she was perfectly normal, just complaining of shoulder pain from a fall. And finally, why the three different excuses during the welfare checks for mom's behavior? Drug seeking behavior (mom never touched a drop of alcohol in her life but did have a brief period of opiod dependency, 16 yrs ago, following double hip replacement), then alzheimers and dementia, all within 5 hrs of each other. I kick myself for not seeing this coming. I'm in contact with her adult protective services (anonymously, i havent made a formal complaint), getting advice and probably going to need a lawyer who specializes in this area, (my attorney said he can only craft a cease and desist letter on her blocking access at this point, since we don't have anything concrete on the situation). This waiting is the hardest part, imagining her in pain (physically and emotionally) and feeling so helpless.
Sorry, I'm a chatty Cathy when I'm trying to work through things.
Is she getting proper medical attention?
Adequate pain relief?
How did it happen?
Call APS RIGHT Now for heaven's sake.
not open until 830 on Monday. At this point, I'm sit and wait and research. I'm also making sure there are no complaints against the agency!
Definitely get APS involved ASAP.
From what you have shared, your mom is being financially exploited, psychologically abused and is receiving threats and intimidation from your scuzzy sister and her friend. She is probably being physically, emotionally and mentally abused as well.
Your sister is a proven abuser of vulnerable human beings. What makes you think she might not be abusive to mom?
Edit: Sharon, your mom should say whatever to get away from your sister but, she can't sign over a reverse mortgage, the mortgage company can deal with your sister after mom leaves. It is against the law for anyone to take an elders social security, so let your sister and mom think whatever they want and then use the law to protect your mom. Her as is for her, not your deadbeat sister.
Yes, I included sister's history of child abuse to help you all understand that she's not some compassionate caregiver. She's really a monster. My instinct is that all of this isolation was initiated when I talked to my mom after her shoulder injury and told her I would convert my dining room into a bedroom for her because the doorways are wide enough to accommodate handrails and a walker or wheelchair, I already have a huge walk in shower with a built in seat, and my brother can get a tiny house and set it up in my backyard. Several months ago, I promised her that I would look after him if anything happened to her. I think (I'm not there and am estranged from her) that this offer (though not intended) put sister into full blown panic and that's when she started isolating them. Also we're not wealthy. We are basically working class people with a mortgage and car payments, etc. that have enough financial means that helping mom would be a strain, but not be a burden and of corse a pleasure.
When we cared for hubby's grandma before she died (93 yo) I felt blessed to hear all the old stories (sometimes 5 times a day, lol). These women lived through the depression, WW II and Korea, lost sons to Vietnam, etc. I am the lucky one to have them. I told people, when I was caring for grandma *she had that dementia that made her mean sometimes, that I got the very best of her. Those who weren't willing to step up and help or even visit, lost out.
Sharon, you will find plenty of complaints against APS. Also the Police Department, any local school authority and Child Protective Services.
Government agencies that are charged with protecting and providing services to the public are ALWAYS getting complained about. Please don't let it deter your from reporting what may be abuse.
I would be MOST concerned that your mother has gotten proper medical care for her broken shoulder and followup like a PT agency coming into the home. And pain meds that aren't being abused by your sister and her pal.
And of course, the big question, how did the injury happen in the first place?
In the meantime and even afterwards, I'm planning to be as relentless as possible in research, in reporting, and in oversight. I want to keep resources available for every foreseen and unforeseen contingency. I was estranged from my toxic family members (with the exception of mom and brother) for 10 years. That's how I (with a major capital i) let the wolves get in the door. My eyes are open now. I can't "unsee" this.
For good or for ill, before her phone was stolen by my sister, mom asked for help. She's not asked me to back down so I'm not going to. I wish I can make an appearance, it's just not possible at the moment, but hopefully in the very near future.
Mom explained to me that she fell against a stack of boxes (sister is also a known hoarder so I wasn't very surprised by this. She said that her doctor ordered physical therapy and cortisone shots. She sounded cognizant. She said she wasn't a candidate for surgery because of her age and physical condition. It seemed plausible, and may even be true, or just her inner strength showing through). I wish, in hindsight, I would have asked for her doctor's name and number then (she has a new primary care since the last time I saw her, two years ago).
This sycks. I'm sad. I'm a sandwich taking care of multiple generations for the moment. Thank God I at least have the abilities I need for right now. Just keep the suggestions coming folks. You never know which one can tip the scales
Ps: sorry I'm so down on my sister, but she was my childhood abuser who has never remotely displayed remorse. I used to try to please her, now she is just a waste of human flesh.
With that out of the way...
You asked what others would do in your situation. As I am a blunt and direct and some probably even say, bullheaded person, I would apply for emergency guardianship. I would throw my sister's history in with the court filing as justification that my mother needs to be immediately removed from the home or have my sister removed from the home. Then I would have the cops with me when I picked up my mother. I would then file a TRO until a permanent solution can be secured. And I wouldn't be taking her home.
Assuming I cannot be there fast enough to get her, I would let the Area on Aging and APS know that I was filing for an emergency guardianship to get my mother out of a bad situation and find out if they can take her into care until I got there.
FWIW, I have had to prioritize one family member over another and it hurts. One of the things I look for is which family member can handle the situation without my help and which one cannot. That helps me know which person needs me most. Maybe that small tidbit can help you too.
Yeah, that's what I would do.
Whatever you decide, may it be a comfort that you are trying.
You can't expect any 'agencies' or police departments to get an accurate feel for what's going on with your mother and her daughter to the degree that they can call you with details to put your mind at ease 100%. You've given enough background about your sister being a drug addict, a child abuser who's children want nothing to do with her NOW as adults, and a financial exploiter so that we can advise you to go out there yourself to see what's happening. That's what happens on an internet forum: you get advice from lots of people who are and have been caregiving for elders for a long time who can give you advice from the heart and/or from our gut instincts. You hear your mother crying in the background, begging for her phone back.......that would be enough for me to go out there to see for myself what's going on with my mother! Nothing anyone tells me over the phone would calm my nerves on this matter, nothing but an in-person visit would do the trick for me, so that's the advice I'm giving to you.
Do what you wish, but don't say that we have 'misdirected anger' towards you. Then you'll wind up coming back here writing another post one of these days saying 'how did I miss all the warning signs mom was being abused', God forbid???? Take the advice you're being given in the spirit it's being given: with the hope your mother is NOT being abused but with the hunch she IS. Go find out for yourself. Then come back & let us know how everything turned out.
Good luck and Godspeed to you.
I needed help, 99% of yall provided it.
This all happened on Thursday. I had the cops check on her then. I learned about the appropriate government agencies from here and started making calls on Friday. I will pull the trigger on the report when suffolk county opens 0830 on Monday. Long story even longer, it's a toxic and narcissistic family I come from. Mom chose to stay swimming in that cess pool (which I'm not blaming her for). I wish I would have kept a closer watch on them. Mom was always so strong. She never "needed" my help, which now I understand is one of the symptoms. I live very close to the Florida border, I just moved here two weeks ago from El Paso for my husband's work. My daughter is pregnant, living here, a college professor who now has COVID.
I want to be with mom, or there for mom or bring her here with me. I also want to take care of my preschool and elementary grandchildren while my daughter recovers. Due to my family's toxic nature, I can't actually pin point my location any more than that. I was estranged from everyone except from my mother and brother, for very good reason. Talking to my brother, my hunch is he will be the next target. His info is also included in my report.
I was only interested in who provides oversight to elder protection agencies, in the event I need to know. I'm not sitting on my hands, just trying to learn from helpful people who have been there before.
Its a little too late for me to wonder how I missed the warning signs. I already did. Now it's time to catch all this up. I am getting my lawyer here to send my sister a cease and desist letter. Scary looking, but not a lot of teeth. At least it shows her my eyes have been opened. My mom told me about the broken shoulder the week before but acted like it was under control. Obviously, that was wrong too. 20/20 hindsight on my part.
Bottom line, mom called (with or without dementia), crying, asking for my help and has not rescinded that request. As soon as I can boots on the ground, I will. In the meantime I'm using every resource I have to help her and my brother, that includes you all.
I own that I didn't know sooner, that's on me
Sounds like the PD called it in.
Sit tight and keep us updated.
You've done the right thing. Hope that mom will talk openly with the when they speak with her.
Your sister sounds a bit "off" but may be burned out if mom indeed has dementia.
Wishing you well.
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