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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My spouse recently moved to an adult care home and is deeply distressed that he is not with me all the time. He thinks he did something wrong to make us part. He is so sad and depressed.
I don’t think that there is anything that you can do right now. He is grieving his loss of independence and being with you. Allow him to mourn for now.
Adjusting to his new surroundings will take time. It is completely obvious that you deeply care for your husband. You are already supporting him by showing him that you cared enough to want him to be receiving the best care possible.
Wishing you peace as both of you transition into this new situation.
I know that you did what you had to do because with his dementia, incontinence and mobility issues he was getting to be just too much to care for in your home. So every day when you see him just reassure him that you love him and that you just couldn't care for him by yourself anymore. I know that when a loved one with dementia is placed in a facility it is recommended that you stay away for a couple of weeks so they can adjust to their new surroundings and caregivers. Have you done that? If not that is perhaps why he's having such a hard time. Give your husband time. He will eventually adjust. You take this time now to take care of yourself, so you can get back to just being your husbands loving wife and advocate. God bless you.
I do not agree with any advice to stay away a couple weeks. That advice is for very specific situations, I'm familiar with that, and your situation doesn't fall in that category unless you wanted to crush him and I know you don't. Give him all the love and assurance you can. Spend time with him. Try to make it positive and fun for him as possible.
I have been involved in my local caregiver support group for folks with loved ones with dementia since 2018 and am still actively involved even though my husband has been dead for almost 3 years. I now help facilitate several local caregiver groups, and I can tell you that the folks that had to place their loved one and listened to the advice of the facility to stay away for up to 2 weeks, that their loved ones adjusted much quicker than those who chose to ignore that advice and continued to go every day. As harsh at it may sound to not visit for a few weeks, there is a method to the madness and honestly it's a win win for all involved, as it gives the person placed to get used to their new surroundings and the new people caring for them and around them. It also gives their loved one time to readjust to their loved one not being at home anymore. And of course family members can still call the facility any time they want to to check on their loved one, so they're not completely left in the dark for those few weeks.
Your profile states that one of his issues is dementia. Dementia robs people of their ability to use logic and reason, and this impacts judgment. This prevents them from being able to work their minds to a "better" state. And, if he has memory impairment... even if he was able to work his mind to a better state, he will forget and the cycle starts over. This means he may continue to be derpressed. In this case it would be wise to contact his doctor about meds. My 2 LOs with cognitive impairment benefited greatly from meds for mood and agitation. It is merciful option for him so please don't discount it.
Maybe you can give him a photo book of happy pictures of the two of you, and hang pictures around his room. Tape a big note that says, "I love you and I'll see you tomorrow!"
With dementia, it's hard to control what perceptions our loved ones have and which messages get through. The visuals sure won't hurt. Wishing you grace and peace in this hard time, Wicker.
I love the idea of the photo album. When I print pictures for my aunt (94) to enjoy Shutterfly allows you to place a text box on the photo. You can add names or what the special event was.
I'm having this problem too. My husband is in a wonderful, kind assisted-living place (with memory unit -- he can die there), is visited by nurses 3 times a day, is greeted with affection by both staff and residents, but is still very isolated (by choice, I think), only going to meals, not attending the movies, lectures, exercise classes offered. He really misses me. Unfortunately the stress of caring for him when he got extremely ill, was in the hospital, went home and was going more and more quickly into dementia, has nearly killed me. I am truly too sick to leave my house much of the time, though I'd love to be with him. I go every day that I wake up feeling every mildly well. He "understands" about my own illness (even the doctor told him that he would have to try to help me get better by limiting demands) but he forgets, and it breaks my heart that he is so lonely.
My only solution so far is to have put his phone next to him with my number on auto-dial. I call him every day many times and just chat for a few minutes to tell him that I love him. Sometimes he calls me but he is getting less and less able to use the phone.
I'm interested in what people here recommend, and what you, Wicker, come up with.
Give him all the love and attention’s you can and be kind to yourself about your own limitations. My mother is at my home, but there are two things that help. Many dementia patients become disoriented to time and space. I bought her a large digital clock from Amazon that displays not only the date and time. But also the “time of day” ie: early evening, afternoon, before dawn. It has large print and seems to help her keep from getting confused about time and what day it is. For the isolation of being in her bedroom (she is bedridden), I make sure their are familiar pictures and a few of her favorite things and I keep the windows open to a view of bird feeders and our driveway. I also have an electronic photo frame that I can send photos to and which cycles through the photos every few seconds. Of course she has a TV. None of that makes up for you being able to visit him, but if any of these suggestions help him adjust when you are not there then they were worth writing. If not, I wish you peace with whatever you can do.
Hi Wicker2022, Why is your spouse in a care home? is it dementia? maybe it's something else because he still knows who you are and wants to be with you all the time. I realize there varying severities of the condition and different types.
Although not sure the circumstances your spouse had to be in a care home, but I'm assuming it's memory related. I agree with funkygrandma59, let him get use to not being around you for a while, kind of tough love and see how that goes.
Long-term if he's has the same missing feeling, other replies mentioned things to try and lessen the missing feeling, there is nothing that can substitute missing someone so much, if it has been there for a very long time before. As with funky's idea, maybe after a while the your spouse might adjust.
I'm sorry to hear your situation, it's a difficult one, maybe depressing for both of you equally, I do wish you blessings my dear. keep posting the forum with updates, there are many good folk on here, giving such good support. I do hope your spouse settles down eventually, it's a big adjustment.
This is a " normal" experience for most people going into a facility. So, don't beat yourself up. And, don't put all the burden on yourself to " help" him thru this grief; and grief is a large part of his emotions. Ask the facility social worker or a chaplain at the facility to visit him regularly and, to specifically address the grief associated with change. And, if you have a faith based pastor, request that they also visit him regularly. Get counseling, grief support for yourself so you can begin to practice good self care. When you do visit your spouse, keep the visits short and perhaps even spread out, not every day . Plan an activity of some type to build meaning with spouse during the visit and a shared memory. There will be some level of on going sadness so, start support sooner rather than later. Remember no one can change another person, one can only change oneself; so don't overburden yourself trying to change spouses feelings; let the folks I've mentioned work with his emotions and,you be the loving , caring spouse when you go to see him.
Normal or not as someone said --- it is very sad of what happens to some couples / partners when one person needs to move into a facility, and dementia / confusion, fears are activated / increased.
To 'recommend' not to help him thru his grief feels cruel to me. Not sure what that comment was about.
I am sure you feel sad / conflicted, too.
Visit as you wish ... don't see the reasoning to 'keep the visits short' (?) although I realize we all have differing experiences in many ways here.
My recommendation:
Be as present as you can when there. Touch him kiss him make lots of eye contact Smile Laugh.
As I did with my friend/companion "I loved him up" as much as I could when with him - he was in two different nursing home for two years ... as the time got closer to his demise, a year, a few months, a few weeks ... I visited more often and was 200% present. I posted lots of photos of me (and me and him) next to his bed, on his table and 'me and Jerry'. He appreciated them. He was bedridden.
Tell him how much you love him. Some medication might help him adjust.
I wouldn't recommend spending 'too much time' telling his it isn't his fault or anything he did. This likely won't help him much and will re-focus the time you have when there and the quality moments (smile, laugh, kiss him). That is his dementia/confusion 'talking'.
My heart goes out to you.
Self-care is important.
You might start to feel guilty not visiting as often as he'd like (24/7). You DO need to keep your self together, energy 'up' as much as possible, and get your re-newal time (sleep, exercise, your own friends/outings, adventures), time to meditate and cry.
Wicker2022: Perchance he will settle in his new residence IN TIME, although his dementia may have a large bearing on depression. Continue to show him love. It is difficult.
It takes some time to adjust to such a different life style and without you. It's a loss and he needs to grieve. The only cure is time. People usually adjust, to varying degrees. I would just tell him you love him but that you were no longer to safely care for him at home.
I have somewhat the same problem as you except that I decided to keep my 83 YO wife at home as long as our health permits, because this has been our home for 60 years and what life she has left would be easier for her if she remains in a place she is familiar with. She has AD and memory loss due to stroke and other disorders and I am her connection to life. I have most people advising me to admit her to a facility that can care for her and the advice is likely best for most people. I try to imagine what it must be like to have her problems and if it were me, I would want to stay close to those who know me and my problems and are sincerely concerned with my welfare and someone I can trust implicitly to do what is best for me and my happiness. As I have said before, as long as I can physically and mentally do what is best for her, I will keep her at home. I couldn't live with my conscience to do anything less!
What a gentleman. Your wife is lucky woman. I am always relieved when a elderly person keeping an elderly spouse at home does not automatically reject the idea of placement being a possibility if neccesary.
The best advice I received came from an Eldercare Attorney! He suggesting getting an electronic photo frame and loading it with photos to remind my mom of good memories...her wedding us as children, family photos, my dad, etc. He even said to add captions such as "Happily Married for ## years" (on a wedding photo), "Loving daughter, (name)" on a photo of myself, etc.
I did note, my mom settled in better and started partaking of the activities and meeting some of the other people on her floor when I was NOT visiting all the time. It was so very difficult to not visit for a few weeks, but the difference was dramatic. She went from morosely sitting alone in her room every day and crabbing at me whenever I visited that she hated it, wanted to go home, who said she needed to be there, etc. to having friends, participating in activities, having a life as she is able to at this point. She knows that I love her, and I tell her at every visit. And our visits are now enjoyable (for the most part) and not simply complaint sessions.
How sad. I don't think there's really anything you can do to help him other than find a facility where both of you can live together. There are such types of assisted living facilities.
Short of moving all you can really do is spend as much time as you can with him and talk to him on the phone as much as possible too. Encourage others to visit him and if he's well enough take him out like for lunch or to the park. Tell him you're going on a date.
You can only reassure him that he is here because you can no longer care for him at home. He will not understand and you need not expect him to. Try to discuss things he enjoys, watch TV together. There is really little to say other than the truth. This isn't something to be happy about and he may never be happy about it, but this is for now how it has to be. Life is, when you think on it, full of instances when something simply cannot be fixed.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Adjusting to his new surroundings will take time. It is completely obvious that you deeply care for your husband. You are already supporting him by showing him that you cared enough to want him to be receiving the best care possible.
Wishing you peace as both of you transition into this new situation.
So every day when you see him just reassure him that you love him and that you just couldn't care for him by yourself anymore.
I know that when a loved one with dementia is placed in a facility it is recommended that you stay away for a couple of weeks so they can adjust to their new surroundings and caregivers. Have you done that? If not that is perhaps why he's having such a hard time.
Give your husband time. He will eventually adjust. You take this time now to take care of yourself, so you can get back to just being your husbands loving wife and advocate.
God bless you.
As harsh at it may sound to not visit for a few weeks, there is a method to the madness and honestly it's a win win for all involved, as it gives the person placed to get used to their new surroundings and the new people caring for them and around them. It also gives their loved one time to readjust to their loved one not being at home anymore.
And of course family members can still call the facility any time they want to to check on their loved one, so they're not completely left in the dark for those few weeks.
With dementia, it's hard to control what perceptions our loved ones have and which messages get through. The visuals sure won't hurt. Wishing you grace and peace in this hard time, Wicker.
Sadly not everyone adjusts to their new setting. I hope he does and both of you find peace. It is no guarantee though sadly.
My only solution so far is to have put his phone next to him with my number on auto-dial. I call him every day many times and just chat for a few minutes to tell him that I love him. Sometimes he calls me but he is getting less and less able to use the phone.
I'm interested in what people here recommend, and what you, Wicker, come up with.
Betskand 7/6/2023
Although not sure the circumstances your spouse had to be in a care home, but I'm assuming it's memory related. I agree with funkygrandma59, let him get use to not being around you for a while, kind of tough love and see how that goes.
Long-term if he's has the same missing feeling, other replies mentioned things to try and lessen the missing feeling, there is nothing that can substitute missing someone so much, if it has been there for a very long time before. As with funky's idea, maybe after a while the your spouse might adjust.
I'm sorry to hear your situation, it's a difficult one, maybe depressing for both of you equally, I do wish you blessings my dear. keep posting the forum with updates, there are many good folk on here, giving such good support. I do hope your spouse settles down eventually, it's a big adjustment.
Take care.
So, don't beat yourself up.
And, don't put all the burden on yourself to " help" him thru this grief; and grief is a large part of his emotions. Ask the facility social worker or a chaplain at the facility to visit him regularly and, to specifically address the grief associated with change. And, if you have a faith based pastor, request that they also visit him regularly. Get counseling, grief support for yourself so you can begin to practice good self care.
When you do visit your spouse, keep the visits short and perhaps even spread out, not every day .
Plan an activity of some type to build meaning with spouse during the visit and a shared memory.
There will be some level of on going sadness so, start support sooner rather than later. Remember no one can change another person, one can only change oneself; so don't overburden yourself trying to change spouses feelings; let the folks I've mentioned work with his emotions and,you be the loving , caring spouse when you go to see him.
Normal or not as someone said --- it is very sad of what happens to some couples / partners when one person needs to move into a facility, and dementia / confusion, fears are activated / increased.
To 'recommend' not to help him thru his grief feels cruel to me. Not sure what that comment was about.
I am sure you feel sad / conflicted, too.
Visit as you wish ... don't see the reasoning to 'keep the visits short' (?) although I realize we all have differing experiences in many ways here.
My recommendation:
Be as present as you can when there.
Touch him
kiss him
make lots of eye contact
Smile
Laugh.
As I did with my friend/companion "I loved him up" as much as I could when with him - he was in two different nursing home for two years ... as the time got closer to his demise, a year, a few months, a few weeks ... I visited more often and was 200% present. I posted lots of photos of me (and me and him) next to his bed, on his table and 'me and Jerry'. He appreciated them. He was bedridden.
Tell him how much you love him.
Some medication might help him adjust.
I wouldn't recommend spending 'too much time' telling his it isn't his fault or anything he did. This likely won't help him much and will re-focus the time you have when there and the quality moments (smile, laugh, kiss him). That is his dementia/confusion 'talking'.
My heart goes out to you.
Self-care is important.
You might start to feel guilty not visiting as often as he'd like (24/7).
You DO need to keep your self together, energy 'up' as much as possible, and get your re-newal time (sleep, exercise, your own friends/outings, adventures), time to meditate and cry.
If it helps, call him as you feel comfortable.
Gena / Touch Matters
What a gentleman. Your wife is lucky woman. I am always relieved when a elderly person keeping an elderly spouse at home does not automatically reject the idea of placement being a possibility if neccesary.
Good luck to you and your wife.
I did note, my mom settled in better and started partaking of the activities and meeting some of the other people on her floor when I was NOT visiting all the time. It was so very difficult to not visit for a few weeks, but the difference was dramatic. She went from morosely sitting alone in her room every day and crabbing at me whenever I visited that she hated it, wanted to go home, who said she needed to be there, etc. to having friends, participating in activities, having a life as she is able to at this point. She knows that I love her, and I tell her at every visit. And our visits are now enjoyable (for the most part) and not simply complaint sessions.
There are such types of assisted living facilities.
Short of moving all you can really do is spend as much time as you can with him and talk to him on the phone as much as possible too.
Encourage others to visit him and if he's well enough take him out like for lunch or to the park. Tell him you're going on a date.