I have been primary everything for my mom for last 10+ years. I did/do alot of things I don't want to and have just to make sure she stays happy. My fiancee had a stroke Feb 2021 and left him R side paralysis (he can walk functionally now) and speech disorders called aphasia and brain damage apraxia. My mom is very jealous of the time I give him and the way our relationship makes me happy while she has been giving me much other than grief and guilt (guilt my entire life). She makes it known in snide remarks and dirty looks.
From your profile:
I am 54y/o woman, homeowner, employed and I am a carepartner to my fiancee who suffered a stroke 02/21/2021 at age 52. I am also long time primary care daugther, assistant, driver, p/t housekeeper, yard care, ear, and the ONLY person she will allow to help her.
From what you say about all you do for your mother, I would say, STOP right now! Once you say NO, then she has no other choice but to hire a housekeeper and gardener and person to help her with all the other things you've been 'appointed' to do for her! Enough already.
As far as FOG goes (Fear Obligation & Guilt), some of our mothers train us from birth using FOG control techniques to get us to do their bidding. Using us as their pawns to get what they want. Read about FOG here:
https://outofthefog.website/toolbox-1/2015/11/17/fog-fear-obligation-guilt
This article is just an overall discussion about a very popular subject. Google FOG to learn more coping mechanisms to deal with it, and ways to stop yourself from falling for mom's tricks. Here's another good website I like a lot which discusses passive/aggressive tricks these women tend to use a lot as well (like the Silent Treatment to cow us into doing their dirty work):
https://www.excelatlife.com/articles/crazy-makers.htm
Here's a great list of passive/aggressive examples:
https://www.excelatlife.com/pa_examples/index.htm
Good luck getting rid of caring about snide remarks & dirty looks as you focus on caring for your fiancee now!
After well over a year, what is his prognosis? Is he going to improve any further? So sad to have such a bad stroke at such a young age.
She can hire someone to do the lawn.
Next time she makes a snide remark and gives you a dirty look you can tell her that your "ear" is going to walk away. Get up and leave.
Give her 1 day a week that you can help her get things done that she can not do. If everything can't be done in that day then it can wait until the next week.
You are working and you are caring for your partner. That is a lot for 1 person, then add mom into the mix.... You need time for yourself as well.
I would say the same thing about your partner. If you are doing a lot for your partner stop doing things for him that he, maybe with a bit of trouble could do himself. If he needs more PT and or OT have him discuss it with his doctor.
Not that you asked about this but.....
By the way with the stroke and the brain damage he may develop dementia down the road. Please make sure that you are both prepared for this possibility and discuss options and a plan. The plan may never have to be implemented but better to have an unneeded plan than to need one and not have one. It might be worth seeing an Elder Care Attorney.
Really, don't know how you have done it this long. Mom will just need to learn she is not #1. That your partner needs more care than she does and she has options that he doesn't.
As its been said her before, your are not independent if you have to rely on other people to do the most basic things for you.
Yes, He is improving daily. He is learning words and is beginning movement in his arm the past 6-7 mos. Its a marathon not a sprint (that's how we were told at the hospital, and Im grateful it was put to me that way) He is independent by way of getting up in the am (pls Lord no falling) and getting face washed and even dresses :)! he goes to his chair and does "homework" does exercises that he can do when I can not assist. He is my hero. My mom is broke. She only get 1009.00 a month and that doesnt cover bills even. I cannot hire someone to help her. She is lonley, bitter and resentful. She is mostly angry at getting old. She raised us kids after the loser was gone. She was so Strong, She held it together and if it broke... SHE put it back together. Very independant and strong until approx 11 yrs ago. Had no one to lean on. Brother took his stand and is raising a family. Im close. I moved close 15yrs ago to be close. Never knew it would be like this. Guys, Im sorry. I probably need a shrink. Anyway, she isn't bad. She is jealous. And she is hinting for me to move in( in my past, I was able to do that for a cpl weeks at a time; now-No way)
Just to clarify: I now work P/T. Thanks to everyone
Your profile says: " I am also long time primary care daughter, assistant, driver, p/t housekeeper, yard care, ear, and the ONLY person she will allow to help her. "
If she only gets $1009/month and that doesn't even cover bills, are you subsidizing her PLUS being her caregiver? If she owns her own home, then it's time it gets sold and she needs to move to somewhere she can afford. It sounds like she might be a candidate for AL?
How does she do with her ADS (Activities of Daily Living)? Can she bathe, dress, cook, administer her own meds, etc.? What are her medical conditions?
Your mother’s income is so low that she might meet thresholds for OASDI and state specific Medicaid waiver programs that will allow her to be placed in a foster home or group living situation. Contact your Areawide Agency on Aging and find out what programs and services she may be eligible for. Sign up for the local food bank and explore subsidized housing for the elderly. With an income so low, she should be eligible for all kinds of public assistance programs. If she is not a candidate for assisted living, that’s all you can do. See if you can find a church volunteer to mow her lawn and help her with other tasks.
in the meantime, how much is the boyfriend contributing toward his care in your home? You may be getting ripped off financially by both of them. Who besides you is helping with your boyfriend’s living expenses and rehabilitation? It may not be simple jealousy that annoys your mother. She may be “jealous” that someone else beside herself is taking advantage of you. I would definitely not consider moving in with her even if you take your boyfriend with you. It sounds like all of you need a social worker to help you sort things out. Things are likely get a whole lot worse as your mother ages if the boyfriend is never able to return to work. It doesn’t sound like anyone is looking after you.
You do not know how much the boyfriend contributes financially to the household, or even if he supports it entirely.
The OP loves her partner and wants to take care of him. She does not want to take care of her snide, passive/aggressive, verbally/psychologically/emotionally abusive mother.
Who can blame her?
I don't want to either and that's why I'm stopping. It's okay for people to get a choice about who they want to be caregivers for or if they want to do it at all.
As for handling your mom, tell her you love her and will help her. Tell her that you also love your man and are committed to helping him too. If she pressures you about this, you may have to find her other living arrangements - for your own mental health.
Be well!
Just say, Mom i took care of you for 10 years, my main priority is my partner for now. You are not responsible for her happiness, however, you need to remain happy.
All of us here will help her. That's for sure! gena
You will need to remind her of how long you have taken care of her and now that time must be split between two people in your life. How sad it is that she needs help and that fiancée needs help, too. Not the way you planned it, but here it is for all 3 of you to deal with. Emphasize that it hurts your feelings when she says mean things, sulks, or acts in a way to make you feel guilty for helping the other important person in your life. You need her support to keep the whole caregiving thing for TWO people going each day. Be as firm as you can about - stop playing the mean game and repeat as necessary - i'm telling you those words hurt me, so why would you want to hurt me? Can please just be nice so this works for all of us. --- Get your speech prepared so you can say it calmly. Asking her to help instead of hinder.
I read your profile and I want to start by saying the total nonsense of you being the only person your mother will "allow" to help her is a crock. She will "allow" hired caregivers if she is not given a choice.
DO NOT GIVE HER A CHOICE!!!
You need to put her in her place immediately and that 'place' may very well be a care facility.
The nonsense of her being jealous of your man who had a stroke needs to be addressed today.
Tell her plainly that even though you love and care for her, he is a higher priority to you than she is. If she thinks thats selfish, too damn bad.
My mother pulls this crap all the time. The snide guilt/pity party that I don't love or care for her. I told her that she has used guilt-tripping and scapegoating on me my entire life. I do love her but I love myself, my man, and our son more.
If she cannot live with that and is going to behave like a spoiled, entitled senior brat about it, then she will be on her own or placed in a care facility.
Here is the 'new' care plan for your mother.
-Hired homecare aides (she pays what insurance doesn't cover). They bathe her, wash her clothes, get her a meal, clean her room, and take her on whatever errands or appointments she has.
-She IS GOING to adult day care or a senior day program through your town's senior center a few days a week. You will not be her social life anymore.
-She gets called out on any snide comments every time. You put her in her place presently. Let her have the dirty looks. Then let her experience what it like to be completely and utterly ignored.
I was an in-home caregiver for almost 25 years and am to my mother for some time.
I find that the absolute ignoring improves the behavior, even with some dementia.
Like children what the senior wants above all things is attention. Many times to be the center of attention and the central focus of everyone's life.
Sometimes they have to be deprived of attention when they are behaving abusively.
Think of the ignoring as a kind of 'time-out'.
-Give her a month to improve her behavior. If she fails then leave her on her own. If dementia is the cause for the spoiled, jealous, nasty behavior then don't even give her a chance to clean up her act because she won't be able to. Call APS and let the state take over.
If she needs help with hiring people to do work around her house or landscaping, then you can make some calls and arrange it. She will of course pay for it, not you.
Do not tolerate this senior brat behavior one more day.
It is how you feel and it is up to you to change your automatic thinking and behavior to take back your 'personal power' and be a fully functioning adult.
Try reframing and reflective listening.
"You say you feel xxx about me xxx doing xxx. I hear you."
That's it. Stop.
You learn to set boundaries with her.
"I can do xxx for you as I have xxx minutes / hours now."
"I'll get to xxx another time."
It is critically important that you realize that she isn't doing anything to you to 'make you feel' any specific way. You need to take control of your own life.
If her 'snide remarks and dirty looks' aren't from dementia and 'just' being disrespectful to you, tell her you expect an apology for xxx. And, if that isn't forthcoming, you will not do xxx. You must stop this NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT for her to continue as she has been - perhaps all your life. If you do not change, she won't either.
You owe it to your husband to care for him.
If that means getting a care giver for your mother 2-3-4 hours a day or some days, than do it (if she can afford it). Don't use your own money to pay for her expenses.
Please do not short change your husband due to a controlling mother.
I almost guarantee you that once you start respecting yourself and expect others (her) to respect and appreciate you, she will change her tune and quickly. And, if she doesn't, you need to take care of yourself. Even if that means she moves out. Do what you need to do. You only have one life and you have so much responsibility now / taking on all this responsibility. Sounds like she doesn't appreciate you and all you do. She will if you aren't there rolling out the red carpet. Gena