Even the seraqual doesn't seem to calm my father and all he does is yell and scream at me. I know it's the disease, but the days get harder and harder. I'm at the point that I don't want to wake up anymore, because I dread the day ahead of me. I try being calm with him; I try talking to him gently, but he's so angry, almost violent. What do I do? Help please!
You asked "Why is it that women take such abuse?"
If I might be so bold, I think it has something to do with how women are raised vs how men are raised.
From my own family of origin stuff and much of what I've read here, it sounds like mothers with certain personality types, ( disorders), end up training their children, usually daughters, to take their abuse so they can control them and then later on in life they put up with abuse from others not because they like it but because they are familiar with it.
I've yet to see a book explaining the Borderline father because most of them are dead or in prison. It often is the combination of a borderline mother plus a weak father that trains children, particularly girls, to live with such overt and covert abuse as borderline mothers and narcissistic mothers can dish out. When my wife and I started dating, I could not believe the abuse she and her twin sister put up with from their "mommy dearest mother."
This is one reason so many daughters are walking on eggshells in the midst of some really thick F.O.G. I would be amiss to not include the fact that fathers can be very abusive and delivered either overtly or covertly. I would include too that society seems to expect women to put up with more and to do the caring for the elderly parents more than otherwise.
Ok, this is my sociological analysis for tonight.
Try this site. I guarantee it will help you find the insights you need to deal with your father.
http://www.elderrage.com/
Jacqueline Marcell has experienced exactly what you are going through now and is also an Expert contributor to AgingCare.
Without going into my story and how long it took me to figure out what worked I will just offer what has worked for me but everyone is different. I don't raise my voice as all that did was make him angry. People tend to mimic your tone. When I reacted calmly and gently in tone, he would tone himself down. I also say to him, I can see that you are having a bad day, I don't need this and either do you, and leave the room. To my surprise it worked. That was for me. It's worth a try.
Personally, to keep your sanity, your health (and marriage), I would look into and Adult Family home. I just put my dad into one in December. He was in a nursing home prior to that for medical care and was not able to return home. As far as paying for it, he private pays until he qualifies for medicaid. Now I have the peace of knowing that he is in a good place and I don't have to feel that everything is on my shoulders as far as shopping for groceries, doing the laundry and cleaning the house.
I did a year and a half of that from a distance and it just wore me out. I gained weight, my hair started falling out and because of the stress, I ended up having to have physical therapy to release the stiff muscles I had developed during this.
When he was in the nursing home he was also on Seroquel. I said a pill for my dad was a pill for me. It was used to calm his agitation and also helped him sleep. So, to use that analogy, anything you do to make your dad's life easier, will make your life easier. If he is almost violent, it is time to do something else. You need your life back, you don't have to live his and you don't need to feel guilty about that. I'm sure he lived a good life and you deserve the same.
Chloroform? Splendid idea. He needs to be sedated -- or given a regular dose of his own medicine. I'm not suggesting you turn into a Dutchess of Discipline, including a whip. But he needs to be stopped or exiled to some nursing home until he realizes that kind of behavior isn't going to be tolerated anymore.
Rachel dear, stop being a punching bag. He keeps getting away with it because you let him out of sheer guilt. Take charge, and get your self-respect back. After that, everything else is gravy.
Stay sane.
-- ED
When I said Dutchess of Discipline, I meant Rachel. My apologies for the "senior moment."
-- ED
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