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I grew up in a household where my mother’s form of nurturing was with the belt and gaslighting. I was blamed for quite a lot. I became the family scapegoat. I eventually moved away to escape my mother’s and my grandparents’ controlling behavior. To this day, many decades later I am treated by my siblings in that manner.


I put my household in storage and moved from out of state to help care for my mother who has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. It has been a challenge. My time is not my own and the only respite I have is when I’m in the shower or in bed. I’ve started slowly to get out for a break. I’m always walking on eggshells with my family to the point that I do not wish to be around them for any family gatherings. They never ask me how I’m holding up and my brother always has some form of feedback when it comes to my mother’s care. For example I went out to get something to eat while her caretaker was here. He told me to make certain to bring back something for my mother. I would never neglect my mother. I never get thanked for any updates I provide to them. I feel like I’m their employee instead of a member of the family. I’m not a trained caregiver so I do the best I can do for my mother. I’m only about three months into this and the stress is building up.

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Why on earth would you go back?

Tell them you quit and go live your life.

There is no excuse for abuse, ever. You should chalk this up to an education. Stand up, walk out and never look back at these people.
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Why on earth, indred?

Get your belongings out of storage and resume your job and life.
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Not sure how else to say this. You need to stop being used and taken advantage of. Start making your way out. If you can get a job and support yourself in your own place (preferably far away from your family - all of them), do so.

It may take time to get a job and get back on your feet, but once you lay that foundation, you can go. You will be free. Your family will come unglued. Fine. Let them. They already treat you badly, they will continue, but they can continue without you. Let them take care of mother. You’ve done your part. Now it’s up to someone else. You need to take care of you. Yeah, it’ll be hard, but what’s happening now is no way to live. The geographically farther away the better, so there’s no way they can cajole you into coming back “for just a few days” or stopping for an overnight. If you are so inclined, you can keep tabs on your mom. You can send you mother gifts, talk on the phone if she’s able. You are not forsaking her…you are standing up for yourself. It sounds like she has always treated you badly, so if you decided to break contact for your own well being, then do it. Don’t let some guilt trip make you feel like you need to stick around.

Also, keep your plans to yourself for now, because they will first try to make you feel even worse and second they will try to talk you out of leaving (because it will hit home what you leaving really means for them!) please don’t fall for empty promises of they will help…they won’t. They haven’t yet. Save yourself. Seriously, make your plans for your life. Good luck!
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you for your advice. I am retired but able to support myself. As some point it is my plan to resume my life. For now, I will help as much as I am able (cook meals, drive her to appointments, run errands as needed). I’ve cut back on providing status updates. If they want to know how my mother is doing, they can call her or ask me for an update.
I’ve questioned my motives for wanting to help out. I think perhaps I’m looking for redemption and acceptance. Perhaps also to allow my siblings to see me in a different light. All this remains to be seen.
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You can't 'get past' being the family scapegoat. That's your role and you've agreed to accept it by putting your things in storage & moving back in with your mother. Until & unless you move out and on with your own life, you're stuck where you're at, willingly, and the stress will only continue to build up until you say ENOUGH and put an end to it.

Children like us of such parents are groomed to believe we're responsible for their happiness and for their care until they're dead or until we're dead, whichever comes first. Which isn't true, it's just something that's stuck in our heads as it was intended to be.

What WE decide to do about it is entirely up to US. Hopefully, we don't wind up dying before they do, and then it's all a moot point anyway.

Wishing you the best of luck disentangling yourself from the mess, if that's what you wish to do.
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Are there any specific advantages for you, staying in the situation you’re in?

If not, write up a resignation, give your bosses 6-8 weeks notice, and stick to it.

You had crafted a life you deserved. You made personal sacrifices.

You don’t say how the original plan was developed, or why you agreed to it.

If you allow yourself to be used, you will be used.

DON’T HANG AROUND LETTING THAT HAPPEN.
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Just read your reply below. Please know that redemption and acceptance aren’t things you’ll find from caregiving in this toxic situation. You’ve received wise advice. I can only hope you’ll make changes to guard your own emotional and physical health, once gone it won’t come back. I wish you courage and peace
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you for you kind words.
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PM, you will never be "good enough" for your abusive family. They will twist your motives and say you are taking advantage (by getting "free rent").

Don't go down this path. Seek self-acceptance through therapy.

And by the way, my mom had vascular dementia. No angry or abusive words ever crossed her lips.

Your mom is abusive due to mental illness which in turn has twisted your familial relationships.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2021
Family members always make the "free-rent" argument when there's an unpaid family caregiver. I've had it made to me a few times.
My response is always the same and I ask if living rent free justifies slavery and abuse. If one of my siblings was going on about free rent, I would remind them that I make their lives possible. That if it wasn't for me they would have to be the ones caregiving for mother and taking her abuse.
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You moved back by this family? Really. Back into their abuse? Because they won't change. The only way to change is to change yourself and to stay out of their general vacinity. I recommend another move. Give the family a date by which you will be withdrawing from care, and stick to it.
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you. Fortunately they live at least 6 hours away. So my interaction with them is limited. They will visit maybe once a month. I’ve learned to limit my communications with them to only a status of how my mother is doing and not to disclose some of my frustrations dealing with my mother.
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Oh my heavens - I did the exact same thing - put my stuff in storage and went to help. I went for the same reason you probably did: a last ditch effort to get my mother's love. I learned in the two years I was there - tortured mercilessly by her - that she will never love me, never care about me, never even like me. Me, the person who did everything for her and sacrificed for her for my entire life to the point that I have nothing for my old age I am now in.

Get out. Go away. We all have limited time in our lives. Do not waste yours any longer. You tried, I tried, many of us have. She's not going to change and you cannot make her treat you well, so you need to treat yourself well. And seriously consider going low or no contact with your siblings. We have to find our own family - those who love us, respect us, care about us, like us even! THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO BE YOUR FAMILY OF ORIGIN.
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ckrestaurant1 Dec 2021
Please people whatever the relationship with yr parents this behavior is due to their getting old and infirm.....needy...do not take all this so personally...treat it as though you are an employee...dont you see no one wants to be a burden...to their children...they dont feel good...as far as providing money well just take into account when or if they will qualify for medicaid or give their social and get them into a AS or NH....
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If you are determined to help your mom out, limit your interactions with your siblings as much as possible. Don't engage in any arguing or defending yourself, etc. They can think whatever the heck they want. Don't let it bother you.

Look into things like grey rock. And setting boundaries.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself. You come first! How bad is your mom's condition? Can she be left alone? If not, please get someone to sit with her so you can get out! It doesn't matter if she likes it or not. It needs to be done for YOU.

When this becomes too much, make arrangements for her care and extricate yourself as quickly as possible. You are giving her a big gift and you get to decide when it ends.
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Are you living with her? If so, the primary caregiver has the last word. If you have any authority over her money, please hire someone to come in to give you some necessary time away.
Family strife is a biggie in these situations, and you can be kind, but redirect to saying WE are doing fine, thank you for asking. Get some ooutside help. You should never do it alone. Siblings should be helping with care, and if not, with money to help with expenses.
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Quit now!
Give the family members a 30 day notice that other arrangements must be made and in the meantime, tell all Siblings that they need to fill in some time slots so you can have a break during thraters.

Care giving is very hard, even for the experience Caregiver.

It will literally drain the life out of you slowly but surely.

You need help, it is not a one person job.

Prayers

Prayers.
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ckrestaurant1 Dec 2021
So In my case the caregiver was their son...the three were together in business, having a restaurant, with son providing companionship,and facilitating any areas to the family,., my brother was more than happy to accomadate them as well as being a great friend,..owning a home was the only equity.,myself, I the sister lived in NYC for forty years on my own...after returninghome, I found some culture shock and a somewhat resentful brother...as the parents aged at 90 yrs old my mother passed, then Dad lived to 97 yrs old in our house not going to NH..until one day brother becoming so burned out more sickly and this is what the stress has to do with....the unpredictableness of the demise....with this comes anger and resentfulness as the needyness of the elders increases..my brother, 69yrs old, passed away before his 97 yr old Dad..looking back..i see it was my fault for not helping out..to a certain degree i was renting brothers house which i thought was a good deal as he did not have to worry about a tenant.....and I did bring in groceries...sit with them at nite but as the aging out process is different for everyone...the attentiveness,being there at all times,being frightened that they will die with you...at nite the bathroom visits...all these things require 24 hour attentiveness....i should say he did verywell,brother, until he got sick..out of the blue..some sort of flulike illness....so lesson being take it easy.
..of course no one mentions the enormous financial decision weighing in to put them in a facility.....my next point is the lack of funds confronting the person,or the ownership of the house where one has to give over these things before putting your loved one away....is what tears at you .............now i will say if you are fortunate and
not a working class family you do have funds to go the next step.........our Healthcare system with daycare at least or a visting nurse at 25 dollars an hour.....as well as parents do not want to leave their home...that is a given....most of the time there are instances where an assisted living situation is great ..many are now 3500 and up per mo. so the caretaking becomes a guiltrip and unknown...actually my brother had everything under control...he did not want to be interfered with having his schedule down with the folks but i noticed when i visited he was resentful or i should say he wanted to live in his own home but by default this is what happened....97ys is a long time..he did a fantastic job!
after i was in charge and could no longer accomadate Dad..he walked around at nite was incontinent..so after he fell I left him in rehab and then did not bring him back home.....no one knows the timeframe...dad passed four mos later and I did all the after work funerals..etc.try to work it out.
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I’m unsure why you were the one to volunteer, but it does show your heart is in the right place. If I were you I’d start telling the family that caregiving is much more stressful than you realized and since you’re not even getting thanks and support from the family, that you will provide her care for another 3 or six months and then you are leaving. That should give them time to find some accommodation for your mother. You can work with them to find her care or, if they are not responsive, you can do it on your own depending who has written authority to make decisions for her and who has power of attorney for finances. Give the ultimatum and stick with it. You can feel good about what you did, but don’t leave yourself open to abuse. You are a good person who did your best, but if you continue to take the stress expecting a different result you will end up in the hospital. God bless you, you are in my prayers.
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Joniprins Dec 2021
I wouldn’t stay 3-6 months. I would give them 2 weeks like they are an employer and go. You have stepped right back into the old roll of scapegoat. Have you gotten therapy for the mental abuse they have caused you. If you haven’t you may want to find a therapist. If you have you may want to go back and try to understand why you let yourself back into that situation. You don’t need it.
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If you are staying in this situation for "free place to live," it's not worth it.
Family will probably not step up to help, so spend your time now arranging for more in-home care or for placement for your mother.
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Wow! It never entered my mind for a free place to live. That is so offensive and rude to me. Very unsupportive. You don’t know me or the financial arrangements I made to make that kind of remark. I am capable of living very well on my own and I could have stayed put. When I made the decision to move in with my mother I thought that I needed to do my part as I did for my father.
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I agree with many others. Give notice that you will be leaving, have in-home caretaker hired for a temporary length of time after you leave. Give your eldest brother notice that he will be the primary person for taking calls from the hired help. Your siblings can scatter their visits once a month. They can decide if your mother is able to live at home without hired help, or if she needs to be moved. Let them take some responsibility,
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As a follow up, I have come to the conclusion that in their own way my siblings have become more appreciative of my efforts to keep my mother safe and cared for. My brother who had POA has been more supportive. My SIL has told a close family friend who has relayed to me how much she and my brother are relieved and appreciative that I am here. That’s good enough for me. They understand that this is temporary and that when the time comes, we will make decisions together.
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bundleofjoy Dec 2021
as for siblings, i truly hope they're nice to you.

awful siblings of course are delighted someone else is sacrificing their life! someone else has all the problems/stress.

i hope your siblings are truly treating you the right way.
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We get groomed into this role as caregiver at a early age . I hope you are being Paid for your work ? Temporary could be 10 years .
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you. I’m not being paid. I’m doing this to help as best I can. I lived away from family for many years. In that time they have taken the brunt of caring for a rather difficult mother. I felt it was time to do my part. I feel fortunate that I am able to do this. Right now the goal is 6mos to a year. At that point I will sit down with my siblings and together we will make decisions.
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Oh no, this is a bad situation. I know your whole life has groomed you for this role but get some therapy. Increase mom's caregivers or move her to assisted living.

You need your separate place to live.

This situation will only have a negative impact on your health. You deserve your own life.

We teach people how to treat us. Do not allow yourself to be abused further.
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Stop being a doormat
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I know how your feeling. My mom has vascular dementia and I have been caring for her since 2020. It doesn’t get any easier only worse. Your family will continue to use you until you get ill or die and then they’ll put mom in a care facility. It’s obvious they don’t want the responsibility and need you to be scapegoat for things especially if something goes wrong. Get out! Found a full time caregiver for your mom and move away. Limit your visits and get yourself back on track. Best of luck
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If you are being taken advantage of, then just resign from your obligation. But before you do, in just the few sentences you wrote, try some introspection. Why did you put yourself in the situation of primary caregiver if the childhood was so painful. Is there some martyr syndrome in you? Has your childhood made you overly sensitive to comments?
In the end, if this is that stressful, advice your family that you are making plans to remove yourself unless significant help is forthcoming. Make it known that your level of assistance will be equal to theirs. And if they can't agree or understand, then your martyr days should be numbered because I would seriously doubt your family will come to your aid if you become the patient mentally or physically.
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Decide now if this is really worth it. It’s not going to get any better, and could last years. Your sacrifice will never be appreciated, and your own life will become non-existent.
If you really DO want want to go down this road, set and maintain BOUNDARIES - you decide what those are. Cut contact if those boundaries not respected. No one controls you but you.
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You 'volunteered' in effect, by putting your household (your life) in storage (on 'Hold') to cater to your mom; if this has been a long family pattern, even with siblings playing the game, you stepped right back into the 'role.' It's what you know from early conditioning; be careful to not let it become your martyr 'cross to bear.' If you feel like an employee, charge what an employee would charge; if your family can't step up and help whether with funds or 'in-kind' help, then They Can't Afford You. Value yourself so that your entire life and identity aren't swallowed up. The brother that told you to 'make certain to bring back something for mother' is doing a feeble stab at 'contributing', as if you need such advice; it gives him an excuse to 'act' involved. Stop giving them updates; if they want/need to know they should contact you When Convenient For You or even better, come spend time with mom to know first hand what you deal with day in and day out. Get support for yourself: groups, counseling, caseworker, etc. If they think of you as the 'black sheep' (Cinderella?) who must carry that role, time to reject the role and bill siblings and mom for your work on her behalf. Move back home and get your life out of storage, literally and figuratively. This looks like a case of the females are 'supposed' to caretake...enlist sisters-in-law if there are any and see how quickly your siblings wake up to reality.

It's kind of like when dating a guy who takes you for granted: stop being so available. As you likely read on this forum, moving in with aging parent or having them move in with you too often leads to trouble. All the best.
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My first inclination when I read your question was to say "don't bother". But unfortunately, you left your good comfort zone and entered the war zone again.

Once you recognized you're the scapegoat, you can walk away ( which you did and very probably would have been my response ), or stay and fight back, or stay and let everyone continue treating you the same.

Not sure I am qualified to give advice, but I've always felt compelled to side with the underdog. And I would strongly encourage you to NOT let everyone continue treating you as they have always done, continuing to be miserable and get to a breaking point. I would want to advise to stand up and "fight"..... hold your ground.

In the first place, when you take time to go out, all you need to do is say you're going out. I wouldn't say anything else. You don't need to explain to anyone.

But once you said that and your brother told you to bring something back, I'd say, oh, sorry, but I won't be coming right back and can't bring leftovers... or something to that effect. Or even, don't say anything, don't answer, just ignore, and forget to do that.

Take time when you're alone, figure out things that are said to you, and come up with a response to have ready. I would suggest practicing this so you can be ready and say things calmly. You don't want to argue, but you need to stand up for yourself. YOU must take care of yourself.
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you for your kind words. I have redeployed my boundaries and I am fighting back. I told my siblings that I cannot do this alone and that I will be needing more breaks. I’ve asked for the wonderful caregiver my mother has to make a couple more visits each week. As I settle into this role, things get better each day.
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So apparently from your other comments/replies on here, your situation is resolved.
That's good to know.

But fyi, your comment about someone else's comments being rude and offensive, show you have plenty of backbone, at least on-line.

Just know that that person was NOT trying to be nasty in thinking that you MIGHT be living with your mom just to "stay living for free". No one knows "you" but after having read these posts for years, there are plenty others who have done this, not because they are "bad" or "selfish" but to help their parent, sometimes sibling.

Most of us on here sincerely want to help and give advice based on the initial question and we probably all read into it based on our individual experiences. So, please don't bite someone's head off when they try to help.
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PMoskowitz Dec 2021
Thank you for your kind words. I am only 2+ months into this and at times I am overwhelmed. Yes my situation is resolving as I settle into my role. The poster’s intention may have been trying to be helpful. However applying a filter to the remark would have made it a bit more welcomed.
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I have 3 siblings; we live all over the country. The other three didn't feel they could care for our mother and father (both age 86 at the time) when they could no longer live independently. She had always been grumpy. They moved to where I live. My father died shortly after they moved here. It was difficult at first, but guess what? She became more and more loving as her dementia worsened. She lived for 12 more years, mostly in an assisted living facility. When she died I was so glad I was with her those last years. I realize that the fact that she wasn't living independently, or with me, made it easier. I think those who've written about increasing anger and depression over caregiving would consider placement. It is ultimately more difficult on the aging parent to live around negative emotions.
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Dear OP, it seems as though thinking and writing had made a real shift in how you feel, which is great. You started with ‘How do I get past being the family scapegoat’, ‘I’m always walking on eggshells with my family’, and ‘I feel like I’m their employee instead of a member of the family’.

You moved on to ‘I’ve questioned my motives for wanting to help out. I think perhaps I’m looking for redemption and acceptance. Perhaps also to allow my siblings to see me in a different light’. Now you are not only feeling clearer about your own plans, you feel happier about your relations with your siblings.

That’s a huge shift in just a few days! Well done! We have posters who are stuck in the same place for months or years. I’m sure that we all hope that things continue to go well. Clearly you are very capable of thinking your way out of the problems you encounter, and long may it stay that way! Best wishes, Margaret
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I’m so sorry you are going through this misery. Good news is you’re in good company! We’re all going through similar horrors. Dementia gets worse. Try to get her in a facility….maybe close to where you live. Siblings won’t help so just ignore them. In the meantime, if your mother is able to sign her name, have elder law Atty draw up caregiver contract. You can also get paid as family caregiver under CDPAP program..just make sure you have backups or else they can’t pay you. That’s what my mistake was..not making sure I had private caregivers willing to register with agency to be my CDPAP backup. It seems that they didn’t want anyone to have their SS # ? Anyway, feel free to send me pvt msg if you need additional advice.
Hugs 🤗
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It can be hard to caregive and family members don't always give support. Almost all families have some dysfunction and much of it never gets resolved. The reason - it takes everybody wanting to change things.

Since your family members are not supportive, find your support in other people. Get enough others - friends, members of your faith community, and paid help - to make sure your needs are not neglected. Your health, your needs for positive social interactions, your need for "time off" are as important as caring for your mom's needs.

I have a thought I remind myself when I feel mistreated,
"Living my best life and being my best self is the best form of revenge."
It also helps that I can pray to Christ who totally understands me and helps me to live the thought above.
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What a horrible relationship you had and it sure seems like your own family is basically treating you the same way. So I ask you - if you found yourself in a situation surrounded by dangerous people who could harm you, would you just sit there and take what they dish out? Would you strike back - and most likely lose because there are too many of them? Or would you get up, dust yourself off, and move to a better safer place where you will be happy. When people treat you like this, and I don't think they will stop, then sever your ties and find decent, honest, caring people out there who will love you and support you for being you. Walk away and don't look back. People like this do NOT deserve you.
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Riley2166 Dec 2021
I speak from a lifetime of experience - I will be 88 on Tuesday. Please realize just because someone is a caretaker - not every human is suited to be a caretaker. You may want to but physically and mentally you are not suited to it. THEN DO NOT BE A CARETAKER. Find alternative arrangements so you can live your life as it should be lived. For example, I am a business genius but a technology failure. I can handle technology but it takes forever to learn and I hate it. In business issues, I excel, even now at almost 88. Please do not do this work - it will destroy your life.
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