How do I get Mom to talk to someone besides me?

Welcome, JustTired!

A couple of thoughts...

1. Mom needs to see a geriatric psychiatrist.

2. Mom needs a social, congregate living setting, not your home. She is clearly DESPERATE for company. Find her a good IL or AL, depending on her level of need.

3. If those are financially out of the question, get her to Adult Day Care.

Consider hiring a companion aid for your Mom. Can be someone with no special medical training except understanding someone with memory impairment and cognitive issues. Someone with a driver's license to take her out for errands and entertainment. Could be a nursing student. Doesn't have to be every day, but just enough so that you feel like you've gotten a break and can recharge/refresh yourself.

If you think that Mom can't control this then you are more or less admitting that this isn't in her control and may be a problem coming with dementia???? Just asking. I would start with talking to her about your requirements for some space and about this non-stop talking. This isn't about love. This is about being able to live with one another. She is likely to have less activity living with you, not more.
This is impacting your household. You need to make a gentle, kind and honest attempt to change it. If there is no dementia then your Mom can and should change it.
I wish you luck. Talk to Mom. And if this is a problem that can't be changed then I do think you are looking at placement, or everyone in your household is going to be quite miserable. It sounds as tho the kids are soon ready to fly the nest, but are you willing to go on with this for a few decades?

You have choices. Your mother can be placed in an appopriate care facility for her needs.
You can put her into adult day care and insist that she go as a condition of her remaining in your home.
You can hire a companion to spend time with her and take her out.
What you have to do is pay her less attention. Tell her that you are not her doctor and do not want to hear about her health problems.
Also, you set a time at night when she goes to her room. After that time there's nothing. No talking to you. The kitchen is closed too. She can watch tv in her room. Or read a book. Or take up knitting, whatever. Get her some snacks and drink boxes to keep in her room if she wants a snack. You have to set boundaries. This means speaking plainly to her that you and the kids do not want to talk to her every waking moment. That there has to be alone time every day because everyone needs a break from her constant talking. When it's time for the kids to do their homework, she goes and watches tv in her room. No exceptions. You would also do well to lay down the law with your kids too. No eating meals in their bedrooms. That is unacceptable. They eat at the table and do their homework before or after supper. Not during. Set some boudaries and in the meantime, look into some assisted living facilities for her. She would get socialization with people her own age too.

This sudden talking needs to be brought up to her doctor. Go with her and hand a note to the receptionist telling the doctor what is going on and the same thing happened to grandmom. Ask her to let you go in with her. Don't be afraid to talk to him in front of her. This is not the time to worry about hurting her feelings. This is the time to find out why she is acting this way. Could be anxiety and medication may help.

If Mom can take care of herself, then you can have a life. I have a number a friends that are now widows starting in their 60s and a couple in there 70s. They have all gotten back into life. 2 at the ages of 72 and 73 have boyfriends. Your Mom should have been finding socialization 6 years ago other than your family. If she was an introvert and Dad was her friend, thats OK. Introverts usually like their own company. My Mom was a widow at 78. She had her Church and friends who were also widows.

If you want to be with friends, then be with friends. Hire a Mom sitter on her dime. If she has money, once you find out whats causing the talking, maybe you can place her in an Assisted Living.

Well, my opinion is that she needs to be with people her own age. Day care, hire someone or AL, perhaps to prepare you and her for eventual MC.

You have a right to your own life why not do something to regain it? Your kids deserve better as well.

I am terribly sorry about the loss of your father. I understand your concern for your mom.

You deserve a life for yourself as well. I had this problem with my mom too. She was very active before but as she aged with Parkinson’s disease she started to withdraw from others and became totally dependent upon me. I heard everything and it is emotionally draining.

We care about our mothers and often place their needs above ours and then we start to feel frustrated and hopeless.

It’s challenging when we make suggestions such as attending a senior community center and they won’t go. I even offered to go with my mom for awhile until she would get use to it and she still wouldn’t consider the idea.

My mom would admit that she had some anxiety and depression but wouldn’t take meds for them. Later on she agreed to try medication and it made a world of difference.

Speak with her doctor about the changes in her behavior and discuss any options.

Wishing you and your mom all the best.

No answer. Sounds like my husband. 62. Every convo is about him/latest health issue, real or imagined. Wonder why the kids never visit? Nope.

Whatever you decide: don’t be a lonely sacrificial lamb to this burden. Make sure your have enough time away from it to lead your own life - which must still come first.

I'm very sorry to hear about your late father's tragedy. Your mother needs to go to a facility for her care and companionship to save your own sanity and health, meaning you do not love her less. You need a break.

I am still independent but wish I had the money to move to independent living to have company around me with other folks, and sell my condo instead of living alone without local relatives, perhaps for my own health and safety. Unfortunately, the government considers this chosen arrangement as luxury that doesn't support our desires for safety, better living and dignity.

My late mother of several years ago was Forced into assisted living when she suffered too many fall injuries and still refused outside help in our place. She hated and bullied me, telling me I moved her out which was false.

Yup…the chatty non stop stuff drives me crazy…esp when she reads me an article or food ads. The health stuff I ignore…this can not last forever. We chose an AL..friends her own age.. much better!

No one seems to be addressing the fact that your father did not die a normal death. He committed suicide. The grief of this is a different kind of grief. You and your mother each need a grief counselor to help process the emotions that are bound to be coming up as a result of this. I know you said your grandmother also did the nonstop talking, so there is a learned pattern, but my guess for your mom is that it's a way of processing all that has happened to her, even if she's not actually talking about that. She's needing someone to listen. She's needing someone to care (that's what the medical concerns are likely really about). You love her and care, but this is overwhelming for you and you need someone who can come in and meet her need. Yes, friends would help, but I honestly think she needs counseling/therapy to help her process her husband's suicide. (I have a younger friend whose husband killed himself, and it utterly wrecked her life until she got help.)

Is there an Adult Day program in your area?
Is there a Senior Center that has activities?
If so to either ...or both.. get mom involved.
She will have contact with others, you will get a break and when she gets home she will have something else to talk about.

Your Mom's best friend (your father, you stated) committed suicide. This has not been addressed and needs attention. She has begun talking compulsively and non-stop, perhaps due to unaddressed depression and anxiety, as did her mother at age 80 years. Handing a note to her doctor when you accompany her to a visit is a good idea. Make sure your mother signs the HIPA release at your Mom's Dr's office so that you can talk freely with Dr. Another way to give a doctor valuable information is to FAX a concise overview of the problems your mother is experiencing: social isolation, unaddressed anxiety over the suicide, compulsive talking and obsessing on medical issues. A geriatric Psychiatrist might be a good person to consult about meds. Is it possible that your mother might have drifted into early stages Dementia? The social isolation will cause that to increase more rapidly. Hiring a 'sitter' for your Mom or transferring her to an Assisted Living are two alternatives. Do you work full time? Is she just sitting a home alone all day, waiting to barrage you will non-stop talk when you hit the door? The current setup is not helping your Mom or you. Handwrite a concise list of serious concerns, and either drop this off for your mother's doctor or FAX the one page overview to the doctor, days prior to a visit. And, yes, go into the doctor visit with your mother. Your mother might lack 'friendship making skills' due to anxiety and depression over Dad's suicide. I think you, too, could benefit from mental health therapy, as you likely have never had time to stop and grieve, with the multi-generational living situation you have been in since he committed suicide. Your mother's incessant talking is a compulsive behavior, and 'No', she can't help it. It sounds to be an "OCD" behavior and she needs help. You personally do deserve a good life, deserve time with friends, need to re-build your life following your father's suicide. Get help from a counselor who can assist you in re-building your life, one step at a time.

Was she social before he passed? Did she have solid friendships over the decades? I have a friend whose Mom lives with her. She is outgoing from what I have heard. She has a community shuttle pick her up & drop her back. I think this is to a Senior's Center. And they provide lunch too, for a small fee.
Do you have any neighbors her age?
Is she a walker? Or very sedentary? Afraid to walk the dog by herself?

I think this is a bigger problem than getting mum to talk to someone else. You and your kids are being very negatively affected by your mum's behaviour. As has been suggested below, her doctor needs to know about this and I suspect she needs a thorough evaluation by a geriatric specialist. She may be heading into dementia and/or there may be some meds that can help her.

You and your kids NEED a better environment in your home, It may be time to place your mum in a facility. Certainly you need some different arrangements and support.

You can stop feeling guilty by realizing that you have false guilt, which is not meeting the (often unrealistic) expectation of others, or even yourself. As you say, you can't be a spouse replacement That's right. That's OK. You can't! Nothing to feel guilty about.

You and your kids needs for a safe home environment are not being met. right now. Your mum, IMO, needs some medical help. Work on those things and accept your need for friendships and activities outside your home and pursue them. Good luck.

Geriatric Psychiatrist can evaluate and medicate.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/psychiatrists/oh/galloway

If your mom had a companion for a few hours a day while you are working do you think she would talk to them? Maybe she just needs someone to talk to so she feels like a part of life. Your father was this person for a long time and now that he’s gone and her world has gotten smaller she needs to feel social. She could have a companion who would take her out maybe (if she wants and is able).

Your mother “made me promise to tell her if she ever got as annoying as her mom was”. Well, now she is. Have you followed your “promise” and told her? If not, why not?

Your 'answer' to that is “I don't think she can stop it, so telling her would just hurt her feelings for no reason”. Your guess may be true, but it’s not the answer to the question. Even if it does “hurt her feelings”, would she understand? If she understands, would it help her “stop it”?

Your “I don’t think she can stop it” is not based on trying your options. These include telling her what and where she could do to continue staying with you, and what her options are if she doesn’t make the effort. At present, you are accepting this, and she has no incentive to change. Your responsibility to your mother and to your “promise” is to lay it on the line.

We regularly get posters who have cut off reasonable options because of THEIR fear of HIS or HER “hurt feelings”. It’s the way to let your future depend on YOUR fears. For decades.

I had my mother join a elderly chat line ...there r a few free ones....let her talk or text with groups that have same interest as her ....let her wear head phones and talk away in topics she enjoys ....these years go so fast ...try to enjoy her as much as u can with her....maybe chat room that does songs ...sings....and few hours a week get someone to just talk to her all she wants for a while

I hope you go with her to her doctor's appointments because she is NOT listing her health concerns to her PCP or any specialists.
You need to be your own advocate for your life as well as your mom's. You also need to involve your children even though they are about to leave the nest in how to be advocates and potential caregivers for you and their grandmother.
I began going with my mom to her PCP appointments in her late 60's and she was fully cognitive but often didn't want to burden her PCP with some of her aches and pains. Well, we found out in her early 70's that she was early colon cancer (& survived), developing congestive heart failure and ad fib. She live till she was 91.
Mom did have friends but as a widow she did rely upon her single daughters for her social activities. I made it a point to make plans with her friends for lunch and dinner and other outings. Even if she has lost contact with some of her friends reconnect. Or have her join the local Sr. Center for more socialization with folks her age. Who knows she may decide to move into Sr. Housing if she enjoys her new companions.
And I have never regretted a visit with her to any of her doctors nor emergency rooms.
I am now caregiving for my sister who is 2 years young than me who has a host of medical issues and her doctors, PCP and specialists & their teams, commend me for being an asset as her advocate.

JustTired57: Perhaps she needs to see her physician. She has told you to let her know when she gets as annoying as her mother, but you have not done so. I am so sorry that your father died by his own hand and send deepest condolences.

Redirect her on the medical issues. Give her a notebook and when she gets started, tell her to write down area of body w problem and short note as to what the problem is....you want to be sure to talk about those things at the next appointment.

Her interests are what is going on around her all the time. You/your family. She can't have outside interests if not exposed. You might tell her you are going to hire someone to help you around the house one day a week...maybe ask her to split the cost. Then find a need to leave the house when person shows up. Tell housekeeper to interact for at least an hour, sitting with your mom, over and above the time you want her to clean or do chores.

Call a nearby church and ask about elderly clubs/meetings. Go with her a couple of times and help her engage with others. Mix it up to see if there's a person in the group she talks to more than others. Then try going with her, tell her you have an errand and will be right back. That will expose her to new people and hopefully one she really likes.

What if you could get her to listen to audio books. There are thousands of titles you can get for free from the library. Find out what she's really interested in and who knows, how many enjoyable hours your mother might have. And, as she is listening, she will not be bothering you with talking.
My father lived alone in a big house for 26 years, (My mother passed away too early) plus he was legally blind. He enjoyed his books on tape ...
Is there anybody you could invite for lunch and make it special just for the 2 of them. That way she has another person to share her thoughts.

When I do eventually move to senior living, I expect it to be a Medicaid licensed facility to avoid moving twice and reduce relocation trauma.

Has she had any grief or trauma counseling for losing her husband? Her frequent talking may likely result from loneliness and anxiety. Not wanting to leave the house sounds like depression. Will she go out once a week to a movie with your kid? Would she be open to seeing a counselor or attending a grief support group? What types of things did she use to enjoy? Have to tried taking her on those types of outings? Does your town have a senior center?

No offense but have you tried anything to get her involved in things outside of you? There are a LOT of good suggestions here in the comments. I'm also my mom's only real social outlet and it took me a lot of nagging but she finally went out to her town's senior center and liked it so much she went back without me nagging.

I know your mom is annoying the hell out of you but there are solutions. If your mom is not mobile/ can't drive many towns have rides they give seniors to go places. Sometimes a home health aide can come in to help with chores and senior people some times like that just for the social factor. My point is sometimes a little change can make a big difference.

If you let your daughter and her boyfriend live there then shouldn't you make some effort to make sure your mom is happy too?

You need to take control of the situation.
When she starts talking / repeating herself, tell her:
"Excuse me, I need to go do xxx" and leave.

And bring in a friend, college student, caregiver. Tell her this person is a friend of yours. You need help and support.

Setting boundaries is important - for you (otherwise you will burn out).
She is sucking the air out of you. You can't stop her from doing this if you stay in her presence listening or being there / a sounding board.

IF she continues, you might need to consider placing her in a facility or somewhere else if this is an option.

IF she must stay with you, you need to get other people in there to lessen 'your load' - give you some relief.

You could try to stop her although I doubt this would work - if at all or for very long. It is her brain changing. She is not doing this to be mean; she can't help it.

I believe a person 'quits' feeling guilty when they consider their mental and psychological needs as well as the needs of the (other person/) parent.
You need to 'reframe' your feelings from the negative (guilt) to "I am doing this for me and my mom. I deserve a life, 'too' - and I want the best for her, too.

Another approach I use is self-compassion, realizing I did xxx and not happy about how I handled xxx. It is done. I can make my amends to whoever (I did) and then let it go. IF you hold on to these negative emotions (guilt), she will feel it and you will not be 100% there for her. You need to 'clear out' your emotional and psychological self, knowing you need help / support and feeling vulnerable.

You might feel you are hurting her feelings although she is totally unaware of what she is doing. It is up to you to do what you need to do.

Perhaps get her into the yard, planting, weeding ? re-focus her attention to something else. If you cannot do this, you need to get someone in the home for 1-2-3-4 hours however often to keep her company. Or do both.

You need to feel okay about changing your behavior to feel better and manage this stressful situation. Changing these behaviors and the dynamics between the two of you won't necessarily be easy.

Take a step at a time.
Start with when she starts in non-spot talking to interrupt her (immediately).
Do not just be there and listen. (This shows you are giving your personal power away to her). You need to learn to take that back, by doing it. And, yes. She may be stunned that you are reacting that way and she may feel bad or try to get your attention again and again . . . and again.

It sounds to me that she cannot stop / doesn't have the cognitive ability to do so.
If she does, be direct.

Say "I need some quiet time now. Are you okay with us being here together, and being quiet for a while?" If you aren't comfortable with this, would you like to go into your room for a while and watch TV (or do xxx) ? Give her an option:
Either be quiet with me here or
Go into your room / elsewhere

It won't be easy although you need to do this for your own sanity. Otherwise, you will be beyond depleted day after day.

Hope you can find a companion for her. Perhaps also try a [toy] dog / cat that purrs and / or barks. Or a (mechanical / real looking) baby. If she is re-directed, re-focused, she might be quieter. In addition to possible / probable dementia, it sounds like she is bored and needs something to do (if she can). She can have dementia and be bored, too.

Gena / Touch Matters

I think you just need to get out and do something for yourself. Or, take her someplace fun like an art gallery or museum. How about a nursery? Maybe you two can buy a plant or flowers and plant them. Sounds like you are no longer friends because of being together with no fun in your lives. What happened to her friends? Are they all gone? If not, call them and try to take her to visit. You can drop her off and pick her up later. Then she would have something to talk about that is new.

I would be concerned with the vomiting. What was this about and did it stop?

* It is important to realize that we cannot change another's thoughts or behavior; we can only change our own. And, as an elder loved one ages, we need to make decisions both in our best interest, and theirs.

* Your mom may need a health check up. Does she have dementia? Anxiety? Has she been tested? Is she on medication(s) ?

* You are confusing two important needs/issues: (1) Medical concerns and you saying to her to tell her MD and (2) (wanting her to have) having a friend are apples and oranges. These are two separate areas that need addressing.
- First off, once you rule out medical / psychological issues (and medication needs), you can address the socialization needs. You could start w researching day-care centers and/or get a caregiver in there 2-3 hours 2-3 days/week, or whatever works. Tell her s/he is a friend of yours. Slowly weave them into the home so she becomes comfortable with that person.

* You will need to take an active role if you want the situation to change. She will not change unless you make changes for first yourself and then her.
- The non-talk talking is likely something she cannot help, although perhaps a re-focus / distraction may help. Still, this is a question for her medical provider.

* Do understand her brain chemistry is changing and how she behaves / expresses herself is something she (likely) may not be able to change.
- Approach her with compassion. When you speak to her, hold her hand and look into her eyes. Speak slowly, smile. When you express love this way, she will respond 100% more than if you 'just' talk to her verbally. Voice tone, expression - all this matters.

* Guilt is a tough one. I would encourage you to not push it away, rather invite it in and explore it like a warrior in battle ...
" I wish I did xxx
" I wish I could xxx
Once you have all these challenges (and fears) out in the open, you can give yourself some compassion. "I am doing the best I know how and I cannot go back in time." ... "All I can do is move forward with compassion for both of us ... and figure out how to make changes that will serve both of us." (Start with MD appt / evaluation and research day care centers).

Gena / Touch Matters