I am 43-years-old and my mom just turned 72. Me and my 16-year-old daughter live with my mom, or you could say she lives with us. We split the bills. Due to the high cost of living we decided this was best for all of us.
I love my mom dearly, but she is driving me insane. When she is happy, she wants us to be happy, (and if we are not, she is mad) when she is sad, she wonders why we are in a good mood.
She is draining me emotionally, and I don't know how to fix this. Please help!
This is a very nice description of our relationship. It's alot worse then just she wants me to be in her mood. I could actually write a book.
Can you share just a little bit more information please? Do you own a home or she owns the house? Do you rent and both names are on the lease?
I know that the cost of living is high these days and many people need roommates in order to be able to afford their living expenses.
The problem is that living with family members, especially parents can complicate our lives. I understand. My mom lived in our home for many years. It can be stressful at times.
Does your mom have any medical issues? Are you her caregiver or do you just live together for practical reasons?
I am sorry about your mom’s expectations from you and your daughter. Have you spoken directly with her about how this bothers you?
Do you want to continue to live with your mother? Or would you rather that you had a place for just you and your daughter? If you lived in a smaller place could you afford to live alone? What compromises would you make to have your own place?
You say that you can write a book. What are you troubled by the most?
I'm not sure I quite understand what you want or need?
You may want Mom to change, but that's up to her.
I do know my energy gets drained by certain people - so I try to limit exposure to them.
Do you need less time together? Or a standard reply you can use eg "Mom, you can feel however you feel. I'm a separate person to you, so naturally I have my own feelings."
Three women in the household, mother daughter dynamics, two of you used to being the queen bee of your own homes - it probably feels like the you are subject of a sociology term paper.😉
At 72, you mom can easily live 2 more decades, although you don't say what health issues she suffers from. You know YOU will suffer from some of your own, along w your daughter, if the situation isn't remedied, so what is your plan moving forward? I suggest you help mom find a senior apartment of her own where she can have autonomy and you can all find peace again, which you deserve. I grew up w mom's mom living in our home and it destroyed my childhood. Had mom been willing to recognize the toll their dysfunctional relationship had on ME, she'd have made other living arrangements for grandma. I'm not saying this to be mean or to upset you, but to give you a possible perspective from the teenagers point of view. Have a heart to heart talk with your DAUGHTER and go from there. You are not a bad daughter yourself for putting her first.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
There is a BIG difference in You and your daughter living WITH her or your mom living with you.
Who is on the title to the property where you live? Who's name is on the tax bill? If mom's name is on the title, if mom's name is on the tax bill YOU live with her she does not live with you. It does not matter if you split the bills.
If mom is cognizant, If mom has no medical conditions that cause her to need a caregiver then you and your daughter move out.
Save until you have enough to move into a place of your own.
I can tell you that if this is not a good living situation and possibly a toxic one your daughter will move out as soon as she is able to. (might only be 2 years from now)
This will leave you with mom being a caregiver possibly for the next 20 or 30 years.
If mom has dementia or conditions that require a caregiver 24/7 you need to make sure that you are able to do what you need to do to protect yourself if you can no longer care for her. Do you have POA? (for health as well as finances)
Are you listed on medical forms for HIPAA regulations? If not if she is take to the hospital legally, unless she signs a waiver they legally can not inform you of her condition. If you do not have POA if it becomes dangerous to care for her if you have to place her in Memory Care or Skilled Nursing you would have to become her Guardian in order to make decisions. A long, expensive procedure.
Look at your living together as roommates. Each one of you having a life if your own where each other is not invited into. What Mom needs to realize is if she is in a bad mood, everyone else is not obliged to be. When she gets like that, point her to her room. You all need lives of your own. Mom needs to find her own life. Its not yours or daughters responsibility to make her happy. And you make sure you have a life. Mom does not need to be involved in everything you do.
I've noticed that when we're around other happy people, we tend to feel happy too. When we're around depressed people, sometimes it's a struggle not to feel depressed right along with them.
I can't imagine feeling depressed and wanting others to feel like I do! Or joyful, but a roommate's dog just died, so I expect her to feel joyful right along with me but she can't, and then I get mad. Ummmm, what?
If there's anything we should feel entitled to, it's our own emotions and authentic selves.
I don't think most families have this rule. Maybe mom could live with a roommate closer to her own age who won't let her dominate and control her feelings.
is there “no talking to her”? A heart to heart has got to take place at some point.
a truism - nothing changes if nothing changes. And if she doesn’t change, then you have to change. And you changing will change the dynamics.
one way is more acceptance. I resented caring for and giving up my life but when I truly accepted the reality of the situation it got better; and I was better with them and others.
you don’t have to deliberately “be mean” but sometimes in putting your foot down for the best it looks mean. Know the difference and be good.
i read once where a lady had a sourpuss friend and one day she just started changing the situation. When she started complaining, she took her out for a walk. Started engaging her in more positive activities. does she have any friends you can support her getting together with?
it’s hard. But another on this thread is right-you need to think of the effects this is having on your daughter too.
don’t give up. Good for you for reaching out. Stick to your guns about striving for a healthier environment for all. get into a face to face support group.
God bless and good luck.
Your mother wants to be enmeshed. Setting boundaries will be the only way to potentially fix the relationship with your mother. And even then it may not fix it - she'll probably push back - that's when you stand your ground.
My mother wants to be enmeshed. What is it about some people who just want to suck the emotional life out of others? Do they realize what they're doing and just not care? Why try to get from another person what they cannot give?
Is it possible for you to move out of your mom's house? If not now, it can be worked on.
Be sure that she is assessed by her physician for her aging potential emotional changes; unresolved grief; other emotional issues not being accurately expressed but rather coming out as " controlling" behaviors such as " be happy when I am happy, be sad when I am sad" etc. You may can start also with a joint conversation with a faith leader of you choice or a community chaplain to get some more things out on the table with their presence and witness to what is being said.
Get some form of family counseling or help ; starting with her or your physician for a referral might help to get started. There a always many many factors that impact any family members living together and when it is a senior aging family member it can become more complicated.
Get some help for everyone's sanity .
And, sometimes other "living " arrangements may need to be considered; i.e. maybe she can get into some form of 'senior subsidized housing" ?? A Social Worker may also help you all assess the current situation and look at potential options based on needs and financial availability.
But she might change you - you might (I hope not) slowly become a grumpier person.
Firstly ... never ever argue with her.
When she starts this (wanting to make her point "being right," realize it is her asserting the independence she wants or feels she has ... and that she is frightened, perhaps confused. You can set boundaries with compassion.
It is important to focus on her responses / feelings and thoughts (vs you -- you are allowing her to 'dictate' your responses. Take your personal power 'back' - by focusing 'too' on your needs. Listen and value your feelings. They are 'talking' to you --- saying that other action / behavior (on your part) is needed.
If she 'drives you insane... this is a major CUE for you to do something:
1) leave for a while (a minute to an hour or however it feels right.
2) Get others in there to keep her company / volunteers
3) Consider placing her - or at least investigate what the options are - realizing that she WILL NOT change; it / the brain chemistry / will continue to change and she will be in a 'conversation loop.'
4) She is not driving you ... you are allowing this by not taking control (with the best of your intentions). You need to change in order for her to respond differently. In other words, if you are not there, she doesn't have 'you' to reflect off of -
5) Try music to relax her.
6) The way you 'fix' it is by changing yourself, not thinking you can change her. She will not change. She will continue to do what she is doing, and more frustrating communications triggering you.
7) Do start writing a journal, which could turn into a book. Research A NEW DIARY which shows how to write a book through journal entries. Your experience could be very valuable to others - and journal writing will HELP you.
8) Consider the structure in. the house.
Does she walk around as she wishes?
Do you have any private space / time ?
You must have your 'a room to ones own' with a lock on the door, if necessary. You need to re-new yourself as you need to. This 'work / relationship' you are in is exceeding draining, both emotionally and psychologically. You need to renew --- write, read, do yoga, meditate - whatever renews you.
Realize it isn't 'mean' to set boundaries for your own mental health. In fact, it is essential that you do this. Enlist a social worker or case manager if possible for more guidance.
Understand and expect that when you change, she will react - perhaps be angry and very vocal about it. Give her the space to vent. This is as difficult for her as it is for you. Remember, her brain is changing. Often she cannot help how she communicates although old patterns will / do come out.
It is always useful to use REFLECTIVE LISTENING.
You reflect her words back to her. "Oh, I hear you saying you feel xxx."
What this does:
Keeps you from getting into an argument. Keeps you grounded. Allows her to vent.
Gena / Touch Matters
Can I ask you a real question?
Have you ever lived with an elderly person or been a caregiver to one?
Really. I say this with all respect to you because I'm sure you're a very caring and kind person.
You literally have no idea what you're talking about.
Yes, it can happen and often does where the elder actually enjoys driving someone to their breaking point. They know every button to press because if it's a parent they usually are the ones who installed all the buttons.
It is the same thing as when children will bully and tease another child to the point where that tormented child finally breaks down. Then they do it more because it's fun. Same thing with the elderly much the time. They enjoy fighting. They enjoy their own brand of "teasing" their adult family.
I will be honest with you and I'm speaking from a very long experience. Very rarely is there good outcome when a senior parent moves in with one of their adult children. Sure, there are exceptions to the rule but they are few and far between.
Usually it's miserable for everyone involved.
I know it's a lot worse than her just wanting you to feel exactly like she does. She probably also expects you to be able to predict her future feelings and mirror them at exactly she same time she has them.
If you can't then that will be reason to berate or be snide to you.
She doesn't care what you actually feel or think. Just so long ad you go along with her.
I remember not so long ago being at the lowest point I've ever been at in my life. So low that I seriously considered doing myself harm.
One day I was emptying a full commode and she came in to tell me all about my cousin's vacation pictures that she posted on Facebook and how cute and gorgeous she looks. When I didn't immediately start jumping for joy and begging her to see the pictures like a dog begging for a taste, she turned on the usual snideness. She gave me a dirty look and snidely said to me,
'you're never happy about anything'.
I almost struck her. I didn't, but the profanity I used was spectacular. So, I know exactly what you mean. It was then that I knew come hell or high water, I was getting out of here.
You and your mother cannot live together anymore. You and your daughter have to find a different place. If you need help with making the rent and bills, get a roommate. Good luck.
Do you work outside the home? Does your D go to school? If so, what does your mother do during the day?
I looked Buena Vista up, and it is rural and isolated, yes? What's going to happen if your mother needs caregiving? Are you the plan for that? Do you want to be the plan for that? If not, then start planning for how to extricate yourself from this situation.
Where would your mother live if it wasn't with you? How long has she been living with you?
The only thing I can think of is to move to another place where each of you is able to have a sanctuary from the other and for your Mom to be less dependent upon you for socialization. Maybe move into a duplex or 2 condos near to each other or if your current place allows it, build a wall with 2 entrances from the outside.
At 16 years old, your daughter needs to see a healthy relationship between you and your Mom. What you do now, could influence significantly on how your daughter treats you in the future during your time of need.
It is not easy living with a parent. They still think of you as a kid and treat you as a dependent human. You, on the other hand, are trying to assert or maintain your independence
I would consult a therapist. You need some help coming up with alternatives and also how to respectfully deal with your mother and a teenager.
Good luck to all three of you.
I really hope you can stop living with your mom . In the meantime ban Mom from a room .