My Mother has 7 children. I have been her caregiver for 6 years with the help of a private lady and PSW.s. and very little help to none from my other siblings except one of my brothers.
Her wishes were to always remain in her home. My family has always wanted her in a long term care home. 4 months ago I reluctantly decided to put her in a long term care facility due to me not being able to care for her 24 hours. She suffers from Dementia but only needs help with medication heating up food, bathing and hygiene. She is fairly easy to take care of but of course requires 24hr. care.
When we received the call that a bed was available for her my whole family got excited and we said yes to a room we did not even go see.
I brought my Mom by myself to this long term care, I loaded the car with what personal belongings I could and brought them to her new room while she had her first lunch in this place. I stayed with her all day and helped her to bed when she fell asleep I left and returned the next day.
It did not take me long to see that 90% of the other residents were very disabled and that there was no resident or nurse that spoke her native language of Portuguese. I made a mistake. The unit my Mother was put in is a secure unit no one ever told me what a secure unit was like. There is no activity's except for a couple things on main floor but she will not go unless I am there to take her. There is only one common room in this unit with a T.V and since most residents are in wheelchairs they are all propped there all day and night. The first month and a half my Mother resisted nurses very much the continuing months she just wanders hallways all day and night sometimes not sleeping for 24 hrs. I see her decline everyday.
I visit every second day and spent every minute I had after work looking for a full time live in caregiver to bring her back to her home. I found one the most special caregiver I have ever met and I have met many. I arranged for all the previous support she had and more in case this new Portuguese live in caregiver gets sick or myself. I arranged everything to bring her home with 24 hour care and for a one week trial .
5 of my siblings refused to even consider a one week trial.
They even refused to bring her home for Christmas but still had the nerve to celebrate Christmas in her home without her. My 1 brother and I did not go but instead brought her home the 26th on a 48 hr approved release.
The 2 days went well and I know 100% she belongs in her home of over 40 years surrounded by neighbours that are her real family and agree with me and surrounded by community and Church members that lover her.
I have POA but it is joint and severally with one of my sisters which means either one of us can sign. I have always signed everything as other POA is not involved at all. I am determined to bring her home despite going against my 5 siblings. The problem is every time I think of how angry they will be when I discharge her and how against they are of this Portuguese caregiver living there. They are so against this. I have tried everything to get them to give this a chance but there is no way to change there mind.
I beg for courage to stand up to them. Because there are 2 POA I know they will try to bring her back. I hope to legally close the room immediately but am told that the room remains open for 7 days once discharged. My intentions are to guard her at home until the room is closed . I do not see how they will be able to fight there way in and pull her in a car and bring her back. but I need to find a way to have the courage to go against all of them.
Lastly our family has money we are not like so many families that cannot afford care. We put her in a government home and I am not experiencing caregiver guilt I am experiencing the decline of my Mother in this unit that she has nothing to do and no one to talk her language. It breaks my heart everyday.
this is the first time I have ever posted.
I am shocked by people, strangers taking the time to show any support or advice to me.
I do have everything in place to bring her home and even more in case I get sick or live in caregiver. I believe I have covered all bases.
I have told my family that I will cover the burden and they should trust me as I have done it for 6 years.
It is in comprehensive to me why they will not even consider a trial basis.
They have very rarely helped in my Mothers care at all and 2 of them never have done anything.
I did not plan to be my mothers caregiver it just turned out that way and I enjoy spending time with my Mother but her care has taken over my life especially the day I brought her to this place. It is not a good place for my Mom it is sadly for elderly that are very disabled and need complete 24 hour care.
I sincerely appreciate you taking the time to write, Ana
Thank you for taking the time to try to help me.
Yes one of my sisters lives in my Mothers house. She is a little bit of special needs and has always lived in my Mothers house. This sister works part time and is very functional and fairly independent. I have always helped her and will continue to in any way. Also I feel this 24 hour care giver will become my special needs sister best friend and in a good way also a caregiver to her also. My Mother being home along with me living there part time I strongly feel was a positive impact on my sister.
The rest of my siblings plans are to now sell my Mothers house and to buy my sister with special needs a Condo. This way the rest of my 4 siblings can live there life with no responsibility's at all.
Everything is so complicated.
I can tell you that in no way my siblings are concerned about my well being they think I am crazy for even thinking about bringing my Mother home again. Despite me showing them for 6 years that I am dedicated and have shown responsibility to my Mothers needs. Despite me finding a 24 hour Portuguese caregiver and confirming all the support we previously had and so much more. What has happened is I believe a true in justice to our Mom and against all the rights she has. My siblings will not even consider a 1 week trial. They celebrated Christmas in my Mothers home without even the consideration of bringing her home.
So I did on the 26th with a 48 hr. approved absence from LTCH.
Upon bringing my Mother home on the 26th we found out that all the safety measures once in place in my Mothers home was gone. Within just a few months her once configured bathroom with safety measures on toilet and safety handle bars were gone. All the night sensor lights were gone , her bed had been moved. Everything she once had in place only a few months were gone.
I do not understand at all , they never even want her to visit again.
Her neighbours are her real family they have been for over 30 years, her community her church. You would not believe the amount of people that came to see her when I brought her home for the first time in months.
I am trying to get legal advise the Doctor at the long term home seen nothing wrong with a 1 week trial and sees that I have gone through extreme efforts to make sure of 24hr care and more.
The social worker at long term care is delaying everything and caused great confusion so now I look to speak to legal.
I do feel confident that what I am doing is best for my Moms safety and well being.
Your words that if this is what I feel my Mom wants that I should do so with a clear and happy conscience resiginates deeply with me because I honestly feel my Mother needs me to speak up.
Your words confirm I need to have the courage .
Thank you so much for taking the time , Ana
Be sure that you will be able to keep the help and cover if she does not work out.
You are right! Your advice means a lot. Yes I have never looked at it that way.
I need to remember I am not going against people I am only trying to do whatever is best for Mom as she suffers from Dementia and needs someone to speak for her.
Your words resignate with me because the last thing I want is to go against 5 siblings, the only thing want is to help Mom.
Also I believe I have covered all aspects of Home Care and more.
I have arranged a full time live in Portuguese caregiver that right now visits my Mom every 2nd day at this long term care home . and all the other support she had before LTCH , I have her neighbours, community and church behind her my brother and I and Alzheimer's society , more and myself and brother. My family just will not agree and do not see or care what she is experiencing,
Your way of looking at it helps me, Thank you very much , Ana
Be brave & try it. Ask the siblings to give it a chance.
Explain you tried the care home - it wasn't meeting your Mother's needs. It would be better if the siblings could support if at all possible. Explain if this really doesn't work, you will look into care again, but a different place. She may not need a secure dementia memory care setting, but even if she does, a different one.
I wish you all the best.
I have read and learnt so much on this site . Last night I finally reached out for help. Your advice means so much to me. Just the fact that a stranger would reach out helps me.
The way you explained it helps me because the fact is we did try the care home and it definitely is not meeting my Mothers needs.
The fact that she has had a fractured wrist for 31/2 weeks should confirm this to my family. But it still does not they excuse the long term care home because of the holidays .
My Mother and I spent the 30th of Dec. in emergency at hospital after nurse recommended I take her there. Hospital put a cast on her and nurse said long term care home should have resolved immediately.
So your words are right . Mom has tried the care home and it definitely is not meeting her needs. There is so much that has happened , I just want to bring her home, I see her decline everyday , I pray my family could see what I see but I know they cannot because they have no idea what she is going through or even who she is . I sincerely appreciate your advice and I will try explaining this way to my siblings , There support would be the best way but unfortunately they refuse . I will try your way of explaining I have not tried these words yet. It is an amicable way to explain and will help me when they start yelling.
I have no doubt that they will yell your advice shows me a way to be calm and reasonable about my decision,
Thank you for reaching out to me, Ana
I don’t think the place she is in is the right fit for her. You have witnessed how unhappy she is there. They weren’t involved with her care and don’t know her like you do. This has to be terribly frustrating for you.
Everyone deserves to be heard. We all matter but in this case I feel that you know your mom’s needs best. Your siblings should respect that. Will that happen? I hope so. Does it always happen like that? Uh, no. Pride can rear it’s ugly head and people don’t always want to have to admit they were wrong or even want to hear the other person’s view.
You know your siblings better than we do. I would like to believe they would be reasonable adults and realize that you sincerely have your mom’s best interest at heart. You don’t sound as if you have a huge ego or on a power trip at all. You communicate very well and sound very caring to me. I hope that your siblings know you well enough to know this isn’t a personal attack on anyone.
I hope that your siblings show some humility, grace and most of all gratitude for having a wonderful sister like you!
Best wishes to you and your family.
Take care.
I agree the worst part is when conflicts aren't resolved this is why it is so difficult for me to go against their decision to leave my Mom there.
The main reason they feel they want her in a facility is my brother scares them by saying if something happens to Mother the authority's could charge us. He scares them by saying if Portuguese caregiver moves in we will not be able to get her out of house if we have to.
Her references are all good , I have met her previous employer and the employers parents she helped for 3 years and other references I have done a criminal check and both my Mom and I have gotten to know her.
My oldest brother has always been the leader and I feel right now he feels he has more control over everything because my Mom is in a facility. His next plan is to try to sell the house I have told my siblings even if the house is sold the money has to be used for my Mom. So money is probably another thing.
Your kind words help me because most of my family have disregarded the fact that I have dedicated my life to my Mom for many years with little to no help from them . Tremendous help from neighbours that are her real family and private care and PSW's it has been a long road but since putting her in this facility my life and I believe my Moms has been completely turned upside down. This site has helped me this is the first time I asked a question because I have felt so lost.
Again your kind words help me I do not have an ego , I told my one brother that is the only sibling that sees what I see that this is not about me this is not about him or my other siblings this is about what is best for our Mother and the fact that my Mothers wishes were to stay at home.
I can provide her wishes now and shown my family all the previous support she had is still available, My one brother and I are available, emergency help is set up if anybody gets sick or needs holidays.
I set so much up because I knew what I was against they have always wanted her in a facility and now that she is there is no way they want her out.
They cannot tell me what a wonderful sister and daughter I feel I have been, For you as a stranger and a couple of other stranger telling me that helps me to confirm what I already know in my heart that I am only trying to do the best for my Mom .
I have never even once tried to use my POA but they give me no choice .
I will bring my Mom home with 24 hour care and more , I hope with time they will understand but the last few months show me that they cannot be reasonable adults they refused to even bring her home for Christmas. They did go to my mothers house and celebrate without her. My brother already removed all the safety measures I had in place in her home. So much has happened to show me that they just don't care all they say is she is being looked after by nurses. They say with the Dementia she does not even know where she is. Than they contradict by saying not to bring her home for Christmas because it will confuse her.
I will bring her home soon, I am speaking to a lawyer. I cannot try to talk to them anymore it takes to much of what little time I have.
I did bring her home for 48 hours on the 26th they were all so scared that I would not bring her back I did but only because I need to confirm legality.
The fact that you could read my feelings and understand me with such little information shows me how can a stranger understand and not my own family.
NeedHelpWithMom ,Thank you for your time !
Ana
I should:
take advantage of the seven day "returns" policy of the facility to keep your options open.
write down a table showing a comparison of advantages and drawbacks of the family home vs the facility. You will find, if you have been objective, that there are one or two points in which the facility scores more highly - access to medical and nursing care, availability of trained staff, equipment and bathing facilities, for example. It may also score better in terms of cost, but as long as your mother has sufficient funds to last her that's all right. You then share this information with your POA sister. Is the problem with her more that she's afraid of standing up to your siblings, or that she would rather make life simple by placing your mother and not having to think about it after that?
you should also look at other, more suitable facilities! Portuguese is of course not as widely spoken as Spanish (which I believe is the USA's second commonest language?) but all the same there should be plenty of it around.
And you could consider hiring the excellent caregiver you have found as supplementary one-to-one support within a facility, and put a proposal to her. It would have advantages for her too - more flexibility, more support at work, and less demanding hours.
Look forward :) You have your mother's best interests at heart, and you are acting correctly and responsibly.
thank you for taking the time to advise me,
The pros of living in her home far out weigh a long term care facility. As long as this new Portuguese live in caregiver works out. I have gotten to know her well in the last couple of months and pay her to visit my Mom so my Mom will know her well when I bring Mom home. I have also confirmed all the previous support I had is ready to be available and insured even more back up.
She has so many true friends there and direct neighbours that love her and have been her real family for over 40 years. Their children call her grandma. When my Mom was at home she was happy and fairly independent but was alone sometimes and never should have been. With this live in caregiver she will be covered 24 hrs.
As far as the other POA the problem with her is both she is afraid of standing up to your siblings,and she would rather make life simple by placing your mother and not having to think about it after that? She has not been involved for many years, She sees her Mom twice a year, she loves her mom but has children and that is her new family.
The reply's to my plea for help on this site means a lot to me. The last few months have been unbearable and exhausting to me with work and trying to fix everything for my Mom . I work retail so with holidays over I have had a chance to breathe and I know what I have to do.
I will bring her home unfortunately against 5 siblings wishes I have tried everything but I know my oldest brother will never change his mind and also intends to sell the house soon. I have told the other siblings that even if the house is sold no one can touch the money..
Nobody listens to me or my Mother,
The hard part for me is also having this Portuguese caregiver move in they are so against it and my brother scares them by saying if something happens to Mother the authority's could charge us. He scares them by saying if she moves in we will not be able to get her out if we have to.
Her references are all good , I have met her previous employer and parents she helped I have done a criminal check and I have gotten to know her.
I just don't understand my siblings at all but my brother has always been the leader and I feel right now he feels he has more control over everything because my Mom is in a facility.
Again I appreciate your advise and thank you
Any mother would be delighted to have you as a daughter. You are such a blessing to her and a strong advocate for her.
I admire your dedication and loyalty. While I can understand your siblings legal concerns I feel that you have been extremely thorough in finding the very best care for your mom. She also has the support system of her neighbors. You have done all you can possibly do to ensure safety for her.
You have tried to reason with your siblings but unfortunately they do not agree with you. I am so sorry that you have been placed in this situation. You know your mom and her needs. You desire for her final days to be peaceful. I believe that you want what is best for her. It’s a shame that your siblings don’t respect your view and are willing to allow your mom to be miserable. They don’t seem willing to compromise at all which makes it really difficult for you and your mom.
I wish you and your mom the very best possible outcome. You are not responsible for your siblings so don’t feel guilty at all for your actions. You are doing what you feel is best for your mother. Your siblings will have to adjust and accept and I sincerely hope that they will apologize to you and learn to appreciate the loving, gentle and kind soul that you are. There aren’t many people who are as genuine as you are.
I do see a woman who is kind but fiercely strong as well. I admire you for that. Hold onto that strength. Keep the faith and things will fall into place. You will see.
Take care, Ana. Please let us know how you and your mom are doing. I would love to hear about when your mom is settled in with her caregiver.
Sending a million hugs your way! 💗
thank you so much again for taking the time.
How do you know me from me writing so few words. You are right I can be fiercely strong if I have to be.
The position I am faced with is all about my Mother she is a human being.
I do feel her feelings and sadness despite her Dementia I see and feel her digress this place is definitely not right. I am planning to bring her home this month.
Your words that I am not responsible for my siblings really resigonates with me . They have their own life they go on holidays celebrate Christmas celebrate NY Eve and my one brother and I only think about Mom.
I will definitely let you know how my Mom is doing. I will definitely re-look all legal matters again. I have checked fairly thoroughly but because of your words I realize I better make certain of all legal before proceeding.
I do have faith, Your advice again helped me .
I tried to see if this site told me a little bit about you but it does not. I don't know who you are or what your struggles are or how your Mom or Dad are. I hope your family is o.k.
I have never reached out to any social media and never expected all the reply's I received on this site especially yours.
So I will confirm legal . I have faith that my hardship for so many months will be in the past.
I do feel faith that soon I will have good news for you
Judy lost hubby a short year after I met them. Judy was a wonderful woman.Her trust in God through all of this never waivered.
am sharing this part, because, things happen.. Judy trusted everyone, and this one person, sued, got a lot over a "sore back". You need to look into having an umbrella insurance that covers caretaker accidents, especially nowadays, some people would do just that... You don't know their whole life history... caution...
And watching someone 24/7 is difficult... I did that with my LO,,, shadowed her all night, and got up and went home to get my family going for the day, went to work, and back at it again. A month, it seems like, hubby finally realized I was not sleeping...It is so hard to be a 24/7 caretaker, especially for her.. She didn't sleep either.. so up all night. I really did try and wanted her to stay there.
There is no right or wrong answer. It is what you can do without killing yourself with GUILT. That is the worst part ... It has been over 2 years since my LO passed away... I STILL FEEL GUILTY... me... I am my jury.
just make sure you have POLST/DNR on board, have recent visits and talks with her doctors and make sure YOU understand POLST/DNR.
My cousin's mom had ALZ.. their family stressed over moving her for a number of years. When they did, she didn't even know she was moved...Your mom may be more alert...
Do Not Feel Guilty especially a few years after this, after she passes away.. She loves you, and she knows you are doing your best.
Judy's faith in God never waivered. I thank God I had the time to know her and I was asked to speak at her funeral..Her niece was a professional television executive. Yup, I had to get up and talk after her speech. My friend's mom, was my mom's roommate at the same place. she came with me.. I gave her special instructions to let me know to stop talking. I didn't have a prepared speech. Who can speak after that wonderful executive woman? Well, I got the signal, hand across the throat, same signal in SCUBA; OUT OF AIR...I was done speaking. The next guest was a relative... who decided he wanted to say something about this WONDERFUL WOMAN... His story went on a bit.. I guess the gesture I was given from my friend, rendered the rabbi to walk up to this gentleman who was talking about Judy, placed his hands on his shoulders and guided him back to his seat...
So, look at other options, look at 6 packs in your area, private like homes with 2 caretakers. Usually, they have permanent wheel chair ramps to the front door. Do look online, do ask the church, doctor office, Salvation army for references to private homelike facilites....Do look at places close to your home.
I have one down the street from me. I placed aunt in there, but it turned out to be too big, too many people/personalities.
If yo can handle taking care of mom and putting your life on hold a bit longer, then look for a more fitful place for her..That you are comfortable and your mother is comfortable with. You could also look into turning your one story home into a 6 pack with the right contracts, and licenses... I knew a couple who did just that. They had 3 elders they were taking care of, and finally realized they could rent out 3 more beds, and get the state and health licensing, and make a bit of a living out of it..... It is work, but they like it... I think.
Follow your instincts and your heart. Perhaps a TOTAL FAMILY/SIBLING CONFERENCE. PUT IT ALL OUT.
When Kay's sister retired, Kay moved mom close to sister, saying Great! It's your turn to take care of mom.
You and mom have options. If there is no urgency to this, do your homework. :)
She is roaming, this is not a good sign.
I hope this works out for all concerned.
God gives us courage.
Do what is best for your Mom, My siblings have no contact with me. But I know my Mom is happy here with me, as was my Dad.
I can live with that.
Be strong, be courageous.
you taking the time to write me means a lot to me. Faith is not something I have thought a lot about in the past but find myself thinking about it all the time now. Because of people like you and others on this site especially NeedHelpWithMom my faith has been restored.
Your words give me much courage . I only want to bring my Mom back home the place that she knows for 40 years. It is hard for me to explain except that when she is home she understands her purpose her existence.
I know she feels safe there. I will bring her back home very soon.
Any courage God can give me I am so looking forward to it.
Thank you very much. Ana
It will get better. One step leads to another. One day at a time.
Hugs!
One step leads to another I haven't heard . I feel that is where I am, taking one step at a time and yes so far all steps bring me closer to doing what is best health , spiritually and safety for my Mom despite some of these steps taking different directions.
I hope to cover only a couple more steps like insurance, caregiver contract legal aspects.I have looked into this but as you mentioned need to confirm all legal.
The goal is to bring my Mother home within 2 weeks,
Thanks many hugs back