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I always knew I would not be able to be a caregiver to my mother. She is demanding and difficult. I helped her and my father with paperwork and errands and when my dad was dying from cancer and she did not want a nurse in her home I took him to my home and had nurse come in there. He passed away in my home not his. They lived across the street from my brother and his wife and I live 5 miles from them. I told my brother and his wife that I would not be able to handle her even before she fell and broke her hip. When that happened instead of her going to rehabilitation my brother and his wife took her home to their home across the street from my mothers home. She reluctantly agreed. My brother and his wife assumed I would be all in to sharing this responsibility. My mother did not want anyone coming to help in her home either. I let my brother know I had my own health issues and could not without loosing my mind deal with her. We would end up hating each other. I wanted to preserve the relationship we had. I had told his wife before that she should go to assisted living but she did not want that. My brother questioned compensation for his wife to care for her, I agreed with her being compensated for the caregiving. I would prefer her to be in assisted living but my brother does not want that(actually I believe that is his wife). Our parents always said they didn’t want their kids to be changing their diapers. My dad went pretty fast and it never really got to that. My mother has been with them almost 5 years now and they are being compensated from her savings she is about to turn 99. She is in late stage dementia and is in diapers and my sister in law doesn’t want any nursing help in her home. I feel she needs to be in nursing care. They will call me in to watch her if they have to be out where they can’t take her. She is now becoming fecal incontience. I do not want to do this with her, she needs a nurse. My mothers house sits empty across the street and it could be sold to pay for her nursing care but my brother and his wife insist on roughing it themselves. I don’t care about inheritance, let the money be spent to have the help from outside. I have helped but I feel it is time for additional help that I don’t have to provide. I have let them know my feelings about this and they continue to call on me for help. I want to see my mother as a nice visit not changing her soiled diapers. Is this selfish of me, I have so many conflicting feelings and it is taking a toll on my mental health. I have tried to tell my brother who now has diabetes that this is taking its toll on him also. I want to say no more but I feel like a louse.

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Two approaches, to anything where I might feel guilty:

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Everyone is different, but this is what I do when I feel I haven’t done something right: I correct it right away. If necessary, I say sorry to the other person; whatever it takes. I don’t like not having a clear conscience. I like to have things cleared up in my life. I don’t like to have anything nagging in the back of my mind.

(2)
If I feel I have done everything I could do, then I have a clear conscience: in other words, there’s no need for me to say sorry. I haven’t done anything wrong.

OP, trust your gut. Do what you feel is the right thing towards yourself, brother, his wife, your mom. Follow your gut. All their lives matter. Your life matters, too.
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Unctoy4 Jul 2023
I am not the strong young girl I once was and perhaps that is a good thing because I have made alot of mistakes. My gut appears to be pretty good at this stuff but my brain won’t shut up…I am going to do my best to try to remember your advice~
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Res, you have been clear as to the level of care you can offer.

There is a book called Boundaries by Cloud & Townsend. You can read a portion of it online to see if it’s helpful.

You need a little help with standing by your guns and requesting the respect of your family.

Your SIL has a boundary, no hired help in her house. Your brother has a boundary, he doesn’t want to pay taxes. Your mom had a boundary for your dad, no hired help in her house.

You took your father in when her boundaries were held and you cared for him. You are not a louse.

You told them up front years ago that you could not do what they are asking you to do.

Do you keep telling them what to do? Do you keep asking them to go against their boundaries? You deserve the respect of your family. Tell your brother and his wife they have done the heavy lifting for the last five years. Tell them you will take over, move ML where you think is best and give her the care she needs.

You are the same as them, not less than them, in that you have boundaries. Your health depends on you standing up for yourself.

One other thought is that your mother could be taken back to her own home and help be hired. Hospice can be called in.
SIL could walk across the street. The strangers would not be in her home, they would be in MIL home and you could visit your mom in her final days as her daughter and not as a care giver.

Please don’t feel wrong for taking care of yourself.
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Unctoy4 Jul 2023
I think your idea is great and I would support that. Unfortunately for some reason my brother and wife do not seem to want to pursue that idea. We have a past history of disagreements where we were pitted against each other by my mothers manipulation. My brother and I did not talk for years. She was telling one story to one of us and another to the other (I’m sure a common practice in dysfunctional families). One thing is my brother and his wife came to realize after she moved in, the true side of her that my family and I had been exposed to for years. I am tired and don’t want to blow up the small relationship we still have. When I first told my sister in law that I thought my mother should go to assisted living she said “We don’t do that in our family” and set her boundary. I believe my brother has reached his limit awhile back but my sister in law holds too much power over him. She is good to my mother and I am thankful, I could not do it and put up with her abuse. She was actually banned from a very nice daycare due to her temper and it was not from the dementia she always had that mad temper it just came out to certain family members. It was what she was taught from a abusive father. I just try to stay thankful and try to live my remaining years as peaceful as possible. but there is the part of me that wants to be able to be the perfect caretaking daughter that I know in reality cannot be and that voice over powers me for a time. I curse the internet sometimes but it is nice to have these such forums to reach out to. I thank you for your support.
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You are not a louse. Perhaps a compromise is that they hire help ( using Mom's money )to come in when they want to go out.

If you are willing, you can visit Mom as well while the hired help is there, and can step out of the room when the hired help gives mom care ?

Just an idea, but you are not required. If your brother and his wife still refuse to hire help, that's not anything for you to feel bad about.
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Unctoy4 Jul 2023
Thank you, it is that simple. I’m tired myself and forget how simple things can be if you can see clearly. Your response was nice to hear.
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Oh boy…

I bet there are a million people who feel your pain. It’s so difficult to be in your situation.

I commend you for knowing your limitations! Many people don’t and push themselves way past their limits.

Stay true to who you are. You’re honest and authentic. Please don’t compromise this for anyone or anything.

I would have loved to be as secure as you are now. I made plenty of mistakes due to being overwhelmed and confused due to certain circumstances that I was dealing with.

You are an incredibly smart woman. Please don’t view yourself as a louse.

Best wishes to you.
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Unctoy4 Jul 2023
I tend to panic and have also made many mistakes and I am trying to stay on course. I can easily listen to that voice and get myself in over my head and then I am no good for nothing. I am thankful for your kind words~
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"I feel it is time for additional help that I don’t have to provide. I have let them know my feelings about this and they continue to call on me for help".

Be a broken record.

I care for you all.
But I can't be 'the help'.
Please make other arrangements.
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Unctoy4 Jul 2023
I remember learning that strategy early in my dysfunctional marriage but man oh man some people wear my needle down to nothing. Thank you for the reminder, I just have to sharpen the needle and take a deep breath and repeat.
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I agree, when they call say No. You want to have a nice visit not change diapers. And again tell them that Mom needs Long-term care. That its OK to say "I can't do this anymore". Use what is left of Moms savings to get her placed into a facility that has Medicaid beds. When the money runs out, she goes on Medicaid.

Yes, stress is bad for diabetics. I think it ups sugar levels. Tell SIL time to take care of her husband. And you have told your brother and SIL what you will and won't do for Mom and it seems to fall on deaf ears. The one thing my daughter liked about the book Boundries was...

When you say No, you are not responsible for the reaction u get.
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Unctoy4 Jul 2023
My adult son helps out also and now that she is getting to where she can’t use the restroom without help I’m sure when she was in her right mind she would not be wanting her grandson helping her in the bathroom. I feel it is enough, I want to express this again at this point. She will be 99 in September and doesn’t even recognize us alot of the time. I had told my brother about the Medicaid route a while back and he really didn’t want to discuss it. I know I have to set my boundary and it’s great to have some support here. Unfortunately I fret and fret about it beforehand and like I have done before once I do it feels much better.
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Coming to the conclusion that there are no outcomes in this situation that will result in all of the participants being happy and comfortable is pretty predictable.

Your (sick) brother and (incomprehensible) sister are not “…roughing it for themselves…”. They are doing what they are doing and using you to justify the fact that this arrangement works, when it doesn’t work for you nor probably for your mother, nor for your brother.

whatever you do or don’t do or say or don’t say, you are not a louse, and there may be NO louse here, but there are three stubborn people who are trying to address a problem by doing nothing.

What is the best way to take care of yourself? Will you be able to lose your relationship with your brother?
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Unctoy4 Jul 2023
I have to say no and reiterate that she needs to be in a facility. “To justify the fact that this arrangement works” is spot on. If I continue to not say no, it will work. I need to be the change. My relationship with my brother is minimal but nonetheless important but yes I will have to loose it as you said three are doing nothing. Your response has presented a nice piece of clarity~
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