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So my emotionally abusive father passed one year ago this week. I’ve spent over a year with my mom who is 74 yo since his passing either at my home in New England or her home in California. 365 days non-stop. She’s under a drs care and has suffered for years with depression, anxiety and PTSD. We flew out to Cali for 4 months to settle her cars and home and pack up to come back East. Throughout this year, she has taken out so much anger on me while I handle everything from bills to layers to drs and the selling, packing and moving of their house. She’s pushed me a few times, called me a bitch because her dr told her to let me handle things (and she said I looked smug) all while I’ve worked a full time job and tried to answer her every need. She’s become very forgetful and her hearing is going and add in the confusion that really kicked up once my dad passed and she is very hard to deal with. I managed to get her to agree to trade in her cars for a new one and sell the house and then drove us back East to my house. Threw her a wonderful Thanksgiving and Christmas and showered her with gifts with my husband and a few days later she is making remarks and miserable again. We also just got a new puppy and she disagrees with how we are training him (thinks the crate is mean) and makes a fuss about that too. She wants to take him out but I tell her he is too hard to handle right now and that makes her sulk because she thinks I think she’s “stupid” (her words not mine.) Then she gets annoyed that my husband is in the family room as she feels like she can’t be there too so she goes and sulks in her room. I overheard her tell

her sister she hopes he has a business trip soon so she can “have a break”. But it’s his house!! And he has been amazing to her and helps me when he can. It’s just been too much and I would give her the heart from my chest but I’m at the point where I have no more fuse and fly off the handle with any little comment she makes now. I’m tired of the victim attitude and negativity about everything and she doesn’t understand I need a break and that my anger is because of her attitude. She wants to look for her own place and I worry she cannot live alone but am at the point where I’m losing my mind as I always have to tell her where I’m going and when I’m eating and where my husband went for 2 minutes because she has to know. I used to be very independent before my dad passed and this plus Covid has me nuts. I just shake when she starts with the attitude because I can’t hold it in anymore. Soon as Covid lets up a bit, we plan to try and find her a place to live nearby but then the rent is so high that she complains about that too. I am at my wits end and my husband sees me unraveling day by day plus I’ve not grieved for my dad or my dog that I lost last year as well. It’s just too much and I’m wondering if anyone has any advice on how to go forward aside from “find her a place, go see a therapist yourself or stop feeling guilty”. I even feel guilty writing about her this way because she’s lost her partner in life and her home. Then just last night she gifted me $1000 for all my help in selling a lot of their things and doing all her bills and everything else. I told her I didn’t want it but appreciate it and that I worked so hard for her to enjoy the money. So she appreciates me but doesn’t realize her own attitude is what makes me crazy. Then in two days she’ll say she’s broke. Any help is appreciated. Tia.

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I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. You've certainly had yourself super busy with the care and handling of your mother, so you haven't even had time to grieve.

Just because your mother is riddled with anxiety, depression, anger and PTSD doesn't give her the right to treat YOU badly. She doesn't get a free pass because she's your mother, nope.

That said, I suggest you get you mother OUT of your house as soon as humanly possible. No guilt, no looking back.....just recognize that its not working out and make the move while your relationship is still intact. Otherwise, you'll start losing your cool more and more and THAT'S when the FOG gets too thick to see clearly thru. FOG=fear obligation and guilt.

I recommend you find mom a senior living complex with a continuum of care available. She starts out in Independent Living in her own apartment, then moves to Assisted Living or Memory Care or Skilled Nursing as needed. That's your best bet. From the description of your mothers behaviors, it sounds like she could be starting some cognitive decline. If so, and she gets into a senior community with continuum of care, you'll feel good that if/when/as she declines, care options WILL be available.

I've had my mother in Assisted Living and now Memory Care in the same place since 2014. I could never in a million years have her living with me and I recognize and accept my stand on that matter. We are oil and water, she and I, so the only way to preserve any semblance of a relationship is to live separate lives. I still manage her entire life for her, it's just from 4 miles away.

Wishing you the best of luck deciding what's best for YOU and your husband, first and foremost, and then for your mother.
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K102938 Jan 2021
Thank you for your response. She’s of the mindset that she can still do everything normally but she does get confused. I talked to her drs and they ran some cognitive tests and say she’s fine. I call BS and now that we are back East I need to find her new drs and will try again. But I doubt she would ever go into an assisted living or non-normal condo/apartment willingly yet. I’ve had to restrict her from doing so much because she doesn’t remember to not touch her face before washing her hands and similar Covid things so I know she feels trapped at my house and really by me all year. But I have to keep her safe and explain how she’s confused and once she gets the vaccine she can maybe go do her shopping again. I know she misses my dad even though she would call me crying about how he treated her. And I think knowing how hard her life was with him makes me feel even more guilty about not placating to her every need now. :(
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Hi! Mother is 74, and you don’t say that she is in poor health or has dementia. I’m 73, and I could probably say convincingly that I also have “suffered for years with depression, anxiety and PTSD”, starting with being sued for all our savings by fraudulent neighbors, having our house burn down in a wildfire, and being denied insurance coverage for 7 years until the insurer finally settled. And I DO have health issues and a lot of pain. I could go on and on and on, if it would help you (no) or me (no).

I’d suggest that you stop trying to be responsible for mother, and let her take responsibility for her own decisions. Give her a time limit to find somewhere else to go, give her some suggestions about agencies that can help her to work things out, and stick to your guns. She is young enough to make her own decisions, and young enough to live for another 25 years with behavior that gets worse for you all that time.

It’s hard to stop trying to help, but think about it very very carefully.
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K102938 Jan 2021
Hi there and thanks for replying. She wants to be independent but I see things that scare me and decisions that I question. Her confusion scares me the most when she asks the same question or gets something stuck in her head that no matter how many times I correct it, she keeps going back to her original thought. The other issue is she hates technology. Can’t use a computer and won’t learn. My dad handled all of everything and she hates that I do it but she doesn’t understand what is needed so now it’s all mine to handle, which was a huge problem in not having that control for her, which she never had anyway so go figure. But that said, she can’t go online and look for drs or a place to live without me. I’m needed for everything and my husband has even commented how codependent she is on me even though all I heard for most of the year is that she wants to be alone and do everything herself. Maybe she wants to prove she can but from what I’ve seen she mostly cannot. Really need Covid to go away so she can see relatives and go food shop for herself. She hates telemedicine too (see comment above about technology — won’t even use a simple cell flip phone) so won’t go to a dr unless it’s in person. Just so many restrictions she has that any little thing, if not done exactly how she wants or expected it, is terrible and everything goes wrong for her and life is terrible. I have started looking for new drs and once that is underway, need to find a place.
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Dear friend.
You can say no about her living with you from here on out. You really can.
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Guilt belongs to felons who do malice aforethought and get great pleasure in the pain of others. Does that describe you? No? Then you can put aside the question of guilt. That isn't the correct word. The word is GRIEF and you feel it because it is appropriate to feel grief when you have a cruel parent.
Your mother is not going to change.
So the question now is, are YOU going to change?
Because if not, welcome to your new life as a slave. A willing slave, because you are willingly signing up to serve in this manner.
You have even put up the roadblocks of not wanting the advice that will help you most, the first being placement and the second being therapy to look at the choices you are making and examine why you are making them.
Cruel parents teach their children that they are worthless. ALWAYS worthless. They do this so that they can control and mold the child to do their bidding without question. I think that you are smart enough to recognize the truth of that. In fact there is no question in my mind about that.
So I will basically tell you that you already knew every single thing I just said to you. Now you will have the choice to change your life or continue on the path you have chosen. You have already walked it a good long way.
Don't accept gifting from your mother; accept handling POA for financial as being paid; take the payment and record it faithfully and fully in your financial accounts you do for your mother; report it to the IRS. Then should your mother need aid of any kind in future money will not be called into question.
No one can make your choices. You will have to make them. Be clear that they are CHOICES. You are not a martyr tied to a stake.
I wish you the very best. I hope you will consider this new year as a way to change your life moving forward.
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K102938 Jan 2021
I don’t have an issue going to therapy myself. I merely stated I was hoping for other suggestions because it is already on my radar of things to do. My mom is not cruel and sometimes says I’m too hard on myself. It’s just this switch flips and she does a Jeckyl and Hyde thing. Rather, we tend to think she is just so depressed and angry that she is taking it out me (and hubby). It was very bad earlier in the year. Lots of screaming matches. Not pretty. But she is very particular and very negative — always has been and it’s just been unleashed since my dad died. She doesn’t trust anyone, even my husband who has proved again and again he would do anything for me and in turn, her. She definitely needs psychiatric help to continue her therapy from California and as I admitted so do I from my childhood up to now and what this year has put upon me. I realize I need to let her be independent but with Covid it is very hard right now with her self-admitted cloudy head.
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"I know she misses my dad even though she would call me crying about how he treated her. And I think knowing how hard her life was with him makes me feel even more guilty about not placating to her every need now."

No. Nope. You're not here to replace your dad or repair the damage he did. You will never be able to fill the void or heal her. She has to do that herself, and at her age it sounds like she's not inclined to change. She's lived this way for so long. Now she knows she can say whatever mean things she wants and treat you terribly, getting away with actions she likely couldn't with your father. You're now her emotional and verbal punching bag. This does not help you or her.

She should not have told you about her marriage problems. That was between them and it's manipulative to involve a child-- yes, even an adult child-- in their relationship issues. This is actually a tactic of narcissistic mothers, to get their child to sympathize with them and become their ally. Google "narcissistic moms" and see how similar the stories are.

You say she appreciates you. I think deep down you know this is not true. She doesn't appreciate you if her actions and words say otherwise. You could wait on her hand and foot 24/7 and give her bricks of cash, and she'd still be upset about something you did. You WANT her to appreciate and love you so badly! Who doesn't want their mom's love? Problem is, she doesn't treat you as a caring daughter who helps her. Because that is not how she sees you. You're not her daughter; you're her husband, part two.
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K102938 Jan 2021
Well I knew how he treated her because I was their daughter and endured the verbal abuse before they moved away to CA. She would never tell me what he said but would be upset when I would call or if he did something that wasn’t right. He was actually clinically diagnosed as a malignant narcissist. Her dr did tell me she has a lot of anger to release from her years of having to hold her tongue w him and yes, it’s easy to take it out on me and have me replace him - so to speak. I’ve not been an angel either as on a few occasions I’ve yelled back harder and more fierce than she ever could. Then of course I feel terrible for doing so. She tells my husband she appreciates all that I’ve done but then acts out.

She’d come to see me twice a year (it’s all my dad would allow) and when she did, I’d make it full
of yummy food, restaurants, trips to Aruba and concerts of her favorite singers. I always wanted to be her refuge from his tirades. I always worried what was happening in CA as I was so far away. I know she used to taunt him sometimes. Mostly though he would just unleash on her. That’s why I feel horrible not helping her however I can. But, I’m at the point where I’ve left my freedom behind and I think that, coupled with how much I’ve done for her this year and how much anger she’s directed towards me while doing all that for her - is why my fuse is non existent at this point in time.
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K, I am sorry for your loss.

Can I recommend that you find a geriatric doctor for your mom. They will be able to help you know what is happening with her. Stress can cause dementia like symptoms and it sounds like she lived under a tremendous amount of stress. You just want to know what the reality is so you can help her where she is.

I also recommend buying her a soft bat, nerf like, and rig up a punching bag type thing, throw pillows are great hanging from a rafter on the patio and tell her that she needs to go take her anger out on the bag. I would have a pillowcase printed with dads face and have her say everything that she needs to say and never could while she whacked away. It helps to have a safe outlet for all the suppressed emotions and it sounds like she has lots.

It is also okay to tell her to be nice and that she is speaking, behaving inappropriately and it is not okay, then walk away and don't engage in the ugliness. She will get the point that you will not be her scratching post.

If the geriatric doctor determines that she can live alone it is a good idea to find a senior complex that has activities so she can make friends her own age and spread her wings without her husband clipping them.

Best of luck, such a difficult situation to become the parent to a parent. She is blessed to have you.
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I don't think you're the one who needs therapy here. Your mother is the one who does. You're her safe target to take her anger, frustration, and grief out on because she doesn't behave this way to your husband. Why would that be? You love your mom and want to do right by her and she loves you too. She has no respect for you though and that is impossible to live with.
I have said many times that being elderly does not give someone a free pass to behave abusively and to bully anyone else. This is truth.
Suggest she start going to therapy to help with her depression and let that be the end of it. When she starts up with the negativity walk away and completely ignore her for a time. I don't know if she's like my mother who will pick a fight and when she doesn't get one with me will work herself up into an anxiety/panic attack to get attention. I totally ignore that and walk away. The behavior has decreased considerably since I started handling it this way. You are the person helping your mom as I am the one helping mine as well. The only way she will start showing any respect towards you is if you demand it by standing up for yourself and ignoring her when she starts up with the bad behavior. When she gets physically abusive and pushes you, push her back. I can all but guarantee she will never get physically abusive with you again.
You are not a doormat to be stepped upon because a person is feeling low or depressed. You are not a slave who has to tolerate snide bullying and abuse from your mother. You do not owe her anything. You and your husband are doing right by her out of love and because you want to. Not because you have to.
This being said you have to love and do right by yourself too. You will not be able to help her and keep a loving relationship if you allow her to wear you down to the point that she breaks you. This will happen if you continue allowing her to treat you with no respect. Everyone has a breaking point and it's very easy for elders to bring even the most patient and loving of people to theirs. Don't let your mother's behavior towards you bring you to your breaking point. Good luck.
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K102938 Jan 2021
i mentioned somewhere that earlier in the year she was much more angry and at that time she did take it out on my husband as well. It seems lately though she is more silent and sly about her anger even though I can sniff it out a mile away. It just gets under my skin so much that I do so much and have basically given up my life this year to help and yet I still get such disdain from her. And I have stood up to her and almost pushed her back, I’ve screamed back at her and told her to stop playing the damn victim and it just makes her cry and then she tells me I’m awful to her and the reason why she acts out. Then she’ll do it again so matching fire with her fire doesn’t work either. I’m just so tired and want my life back with some autonomy. She had a psy in California and I’m trying to find one here to support her but I know I need one too. I have so much guilt and wish I could have made things different but had no power as their only child. Been the worst year of my life and I’ve lost half my hair and lots of weight from all the stress and meltdowns.
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K, just a different take on a couple of the comments. It is politically correct these days to say that parents should never talk to children about their marriage problems. Partly true, partly not. I’d agree that a parent shouldn’t try to alienate children from the other parent, or to use the child as a weapon against the other parent. But children have a major stake in their own family situation, and actually deserve to have some idea about what is going on. Children’s reaction can be ‘If parents act like they are getting on well, why have they separated?' Even worse, 'If they can't tell me why they've separated, was it my fault?’.

If one parent has been totally unreasonable, why should the child not know why? The child certainly knows about the impact on their own life! But there is a difference between having an understanding, and being drawn into the problem, over and over again.

You have a good idea of at least some of what went on between your parents. You tried hard to support your mother when she took a break with you, to give her a good time away from your difficult father. Well done! Now your father is dead, and she doesn’t need that break. You can’t make up to her for the hard time she had in the past, she shouldn’t be taking out her anger on you, and you shouldn’t tolerate it. She is young enough to make a good life for herself now, it's her responsibility, and that’s what should be happening.
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LoopyLoo Jan 2021
The reason parents don't need to involve children in marital problems is because the child becomes a bargaining chip. "See how terrible your father is? He's the bad guy here, don't you believe me?". Then the father: "Your mother is just crazy and a liar. You believe me, right?". The child is in the middle and pitted against the other.

It's one thing to say "We had an argument". It's another to cry to your daughter on the phone and want sympathy and assurance she's being abused.

Of course children should know why their parents split up. That is when the parent sits the children down and explains just that, in as neutral a way possible. No trash-talking, no taking sides, no implying they must choose to love mom OR dad, but not both. Explaining why things couldn't be worked out. And assuring the children that it is not their fault. Even adult children. A friend of mine had parents who didn't divorce until she was away at college. She knew something was wrong, but then felt terrible, because she worried they'd stayed in a miserable marriage solely because of her.
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Am sorry this is happening to you. I had issues with an abusive husband and he passed away unexpectedly when he was 55. I also have a very abusive mom.

I guess I have experience with some of what you are going through. I know you want to help your mom out and are concerned about her. Did she want to leave California? If yes, does she miss it now?

I wonder if part of this is too much change too soon. Or if part of this is guilt. I often wished my husband would pass away due to the abuse I suffered from him. When it happened, I felt relief but also deep shame about my wish coming true. I don’t feel that anymore. It took time to work through it.

This isn’t to excuse your mom’s abuse and control issues. That’s not acceptable under any circumstances. It’s not going to change for some time.

She can take care of herself. Let her live somewhere else near you or back in California. It may not be for always, but it sounds like you and she need your own places.

Hope it works out.
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K102938 Jan 2021
So with my help, I moved her out of CA and back to New England with me (for now). Tough to find a place during Covid.

For years I wished my dad would let her come back here and live. I just wanted him to “leave her alone” and sometimes just go away. Now I feel so guilty. Like I wished him away, which has made her miserable and as a result, took my life, freedom and independence away as well. I was so upset how much he would yell at her it made me so nervous to be so far away for so many years when they lived on the West coast. Always had their police station number not far away. It was not a god way to live with half my brain worrying and there for 18 years. Now she’s back, which she said she wanted for so long and she’s so miserable I just feel like it’s lose-lose-lose no matter what. It’s exhausting and no matter how much sleep I get, my soul is just tired.

Glad to hear you’ve healed from your abuse. I know my mom and I have quite a way to go. Hugs to you.
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Your mother needs to get her life back on track.


That is not your job.

Fixing her marriage wasn't your job. Providing her with breaks from an abusive husband wasnt your job. The loss of your father wasn't of your doing.

It sounds as though your mother has groomed you from an early age to be her "fixer" and to feel guilty when there were things you couldn't fix.

Yes, you need to see a therapist. It is MOM's job to find herslef a place to live and a new shrink.
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I just read your profile.

I am sorry for the loss of your dad and the loss of your dog.

Enjoy your new puppy!

You mentioned in your profile that your dad had narcissistic behavior and your mom has a variety of issues, including ALZ.

You sound frustrated and exhausted which is completely understandable.

I looked after my mom after my dad died too. It’s hard. We do all that we can and somehow it never seems like it’s enough for them.

I got tired of banging my head against a brick wall. I suspect if you aren’t quite at that point you will get there soon. I am no longer my mother’s caregiver.

Why not stop being as involved in your mom’s life now, rather than wait until it becomes worse?

Judging by what you have written I doubt that the situation will get better.

Your mom won’t adapt to living with you on your terms.

Her behavior is always going to be unnerving. She’s used to doing things her way.

Chances are she wouldn’t push other people’s buttons like she does yours. So allow her to live in an assisted living facility near your home.

Don’t be as concerned about your mom’s feelings or reactions. Be more concerned about what will improve her situation. Such as a safe place for her to live.

Then you can resume your life with your husband.

Best wishes to you and your family.
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K102938 Jan 2021
So she has not been diagnosed with anything other than severe depression and anxiety. When I get her a dr here, hoping to have a thourough work up. She needs to find her own place so I can have my life back. Absolutely!! She can drive a car and take care of herself though she forgets things daily and needs help with bills and things so assisted living would not work as thankfully it is not needed yet. I may need it first!!
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K, has your mom been diagnosed with dementia, or are you taking it as a given that her confusion is dementia related?
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K102938 Jan 2021
No diagnosis yet. Dr said her confusion could be attributed to severe stress and grief.
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K, if that is what her doctor says, then I would encourage her to seek mental health support where she is living now and BACK OFF.

She needs to take control of her life. Your therapist gave you good advice!
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Maybe it would be good to try family counseling. Have you tried to sit down with her and truly explain how you feel? Perhaps she needs medication and grief counseling for her loss. I also think it would be good for you to get out on your every now and then for some alone time. If she is able to be independent and live on her own then the best thing is for her to do that. You definitely need to do something though. Getting so stressed and shaky is not good.
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K102938 Jan 2021
She is on medication for anxiety and depression. I have gone with her to her sessions and sometimes it did not bode well for me as her psy would tell her to let me handle things. She looked at that as him being in “cohoots” with me and didn’t want to listen. Trying to find her a new dr here but no ones takes new patience or her insurance!! Terrible times for sure.
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There are Assisted Living places for her where she can live "independently" and yet still count on you for banking, shopping, doctors visits & emergencies. My brother in law is in one and he has adjusted well. (nothing is perfect) It will be a lot less burden on all of you in this current living situation. If you can find a nice place, she will be able to socialize with people of her own age, and that counts for a lot of what she needs right now. You can install wifi cameras to check in on her. These places have clear cut rules and regulations during Covid, and she will learn and adapt.

Get her a therapist she likes, and let her go alone. She will never change her personality or outlook, she is who she is. It seems was dependent on your father for most of her adult life, even though it may have been abusive or not healthy. Most likely she is feeling a bit "trapped" in a home that's not hers, with rules that she can't relate to, with people she loves but would rather not live with. Although she knows it's coming, she is frightened of losing her independence. It really is quite understandable. Please know that I also take care of my mom, and can relate to some of these issues, but my mom is 98 with moderate dementia, so assisted living isn't an option for her. Take it from me, I have lost many years of peace of mind (and strain on my husband who is a saint) trying to anticipate and satisfy her every need. It's an impossible job.. Get at least some of your life back for the time being while your mom is well enough to live alone.
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K102938 Jan 2021
Thanks for the thoughtful response. I’m going to start looking for a place very soon. I hear a lot of what you say in her comments. Praying for peace and normalcy soon.
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