How do I deal with mom dying alone because of the pandemic?

Sometimes changing our perspective can help a bit in a difficult situation because a lot of our pain in self-inflicted. We seem to stress out the most when we cannot do what we think/believe we "should", even over a lot of stuff that is completely beyond our control. We either beat ourselves up because our LO deserved better or because we couldn't control the uncontrollable.

In our lifetime there has been an ease of travel allowing us to visit our families even as we lived distantly from each other. We also have lots of movies showing a touching life ending scene where the dying person is cognitively intact and pain free mere seconds before death. So we have developed an expectation that being physically present for a death (and maybe a death scene to resolve any relationship issues) is highly valued and "makes a difference". 100 years ago, when travel was more burdensome and expensive and letters were the primary means of communication between distant family members, there were no such expectations. People who heard of a parent's death in a letter didn't feel they had somehow failed because they were not present for the death or the funeral. Two of my great-aunts kept their relationship going with weekly letters and didn't see each other for over 50 years which included the Great Depression and WWII; no one reading one of the surviving letters has any doubt of their love and devotion to each other.

I have been present when family members died and I have been absent. I do not feel my presence during a death had any impact on the person dying. My presence during or just after the death made a difference to other living family members. I was present when my grandmother, sister, and uncle died. All three were in a coma for hours to days before actual death: my grandmother due to kidney failure and general organ shutdown in the hospital, my uncle from blood sugar issues and pain medication as cancer consumed his, and my sister from medications as her cancer consumed lungs failed to provide adequate oxygen. In my opinion, none of the three people dying as their bodies just shot down were impacted in any manner by the presence or absence of any person. I know I did not want my sister "aware" while she suffocated. My grandfather and father died somewhat unexpectedly during hospital stays: grandfather from a sudden heart attach and my father when an emotional upset led to a major stroke and heart failure. Even though my father and I had a contentious relationship during the final years of his vascular dementia and guardianship, no death bed scene was going to change that and I am very thankful I missed his last dementia driven fit and final collapse.

In one sense, everyone faces death alone; only one person ends up dying. In another sense no one faces death alone. People who have been loved and valued during their lifetimes carry those feelings and memories with them in their hearts, minds, and often dreams. LOs with failing health who begin sleeping for long periods will often talk upon waking about vivid dreams of times and/or LOs from decades past. Sometimes it takes them some time to realize it was "only" a dream.

I understand the urge to want to be with your ill LO. Our family just went through this as a senior became life threatening ill with an impacted colon and spent over 3 weeks in the surgical ICU. Instead of being discharged to a rehab, the family brought her home and provided 24/7 care with in home PT and OT while she regained her strength.

I do not expect you can really turned that urgent need to be there off. But maybe you can give yourself a guilt break. Factors beyond your control make your physical presence with your mother impossible. You have done nothing wrong. Even when you are not physically present or even communicating with your mother, you are still there in her heart and she knows you care.

Can someone at the hospital arrange to call, FaceTime or Zoom between you and your mom? She will hear you voice even if she can't respond. I hope the hospital can make this happen. May you have peace in your heart.

Hi,

My Mom just passed away during the pandemic, too. We also, had to do a rehab facility before we moved to a third facility where she died. We had the best luck with a Facebook Portal. It worked wonderfully. In the rehab she was on a second floor and there was no way I could get near her, but with the Facebook Portal I was able to attend via Facebook Messenger all her PT sessions. We also could visit regularly using it, as well. She felt like we were really visiting her compared to how we were able to visit with her prior. It is extremely easy to use, but at 97 she did have to have help from the nursing staff but it can be activated by voice only! It was a great way to have some accountability in the rehab facility.

Also, after she was discharged from the rehab facility I put her in a very small 10 patient Assisted Living House, where each patient had their own separate patio. My Mom did need skilled care at that point but we paid extra and the AL place was able to provide adequate care. The great part was we were able to see her face to face the week she died, almost daily. It worked but it was difficult working around the limitations of the pandemic, for sure.

I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Is there a pastor or someone you can talk with on the phone, and maybe meet virtually via a smartphone or laptop? You are not alone. I'll be praying for you.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mother died after a series of strokes, and she was alone. Though we knew the end was coming it was about 3 weeks in coming and no one could predict the timing. During this she wasn’t communicative and slept deeply. We often held her hand but there was no sign or acknowledgement from her. And then early one morning her sleep drifted into her passing away. I had to make peace with her having been alone. Somehow I think it was just how it was supposed to be, how she may have wanted it. I wish you peace with this as you walk through it

Butterfly72, I'm sorry you're going through this. I lost my mother last month to Covid, but she was in her nursing home, not the hospital. In the end, I decided not to go be with her, but the NH staff were very accommodating in setting up FaceTime connections for us so we could talk to her, play music for her, etc.

This is not the way anyone should die, but unfortunately, it's the way things are right now. For me, it's been a comfort to remember that my mother and I had expressed our love and gratitude to each other many times before she got sick. In the end, we all face our death alone, and I'm hopeful that my mom did it peacefully.

Be confident that: You are doing all that you can. Your mom knows how much you love her. You will miss her. You are going to be okay.

I don't have any great ideas, but I'd call the hospital and see what they can do. My mom died recently of stroke, not COVID. The hospital has plenty of COVID though, and had a general rule against visitors. I called the hospital on the way there and found she was already dead. But I asked if I could come see her anyway, to say good bye. They said yes. When I got there, a nurse came out to meet me in the emergency room. She took me back out the front door, and around to a non-public side door to a space, cordoned off by a curtain, where my mother's body lay in bed. It gave me a chance to sing a hymn for my mom, and to hold her hand through my sweatshirt and her blankets and say some things I needed to say. It was a priceless experience. It was not clear to me from your post if your mom has COVID or something else. If she has COVID, then I don't much see the point of the quarantine. You could quarantine except for the visit to your mom. If you are concerned for your own health, you might look at some alternative PPE. My wife makes masks with space to insert a vacuum cleaner bag that filters better than the N95 masks (if you can make a good enough seal). I have a 3M industrial facemask that I bought for working in dust, and with strong acids. It has two P100 filters, and a full face cover. It doesn't cover your ears like the hospital moon suits would. Ask around for a contractor / construction person who might be able to lend you something like that. Don't feel guilty if you can't go see her. You are in a tough spot. But if were me, I'd try to go despite all the sensible reasons not to. Also, you don't have to be next to your mom to talk to her. At some level you can do it just from within yourself. If you need something more traditional, if a nurse can hold a smart phone near her, you can Face Time if she is awake.

Butterfly, which province is Mum in? I know here in BC they are looking at loosening the restrictions on some visits to care facilities. Especially at end of life. If this is the case in the province where your Mum lives, perhaps there is a community member that you know who could sit with Mum.

Be aware that some people wait until their family has left their bedside before they die. My grandmother did this. She held out until her 82nd birthday, a died a couple hours after the family left the hospital. My in law grandparents did the same.

In my service as a chaplain...I have observed over and over what God does. He always gives the words. The person knows "I am dying". If a person has lived "reasonably close" to God...The Lord or God will give him "peace". There may be anxiety or pain (cancer may trigger it). The Dr. will give anxiety med. Morphine goes to the pain and is super. When the chaplain meets the patient where he or she is...He or she will respond to their "dying needs".
If there is no connection with God and they do not want God at this time in their dying. Here is how I would approach. The Dr. can give you meds.(if you want) that deal with your kind of anxiety and or "your just kind of out of it" and you don't care. You will not have the energy to visit. Or God can give you peace and He will take you to heaven when He is ready. But welcome morphine and have His peace.
If you need a chaplain to help. "we" are always there.

Sounds like she has congestive heart failure and diuretics may not help. Let hospice be involved. The hospice social worker and chaplain will help you deal with it....it can be a changing or somewhat of a relief so you can deal with it.