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I would first have a talk with the aide. Ask if she has suggested these things to ur Mom. If she admits she has, nicely ask her to stop. That is causes trouble in an already strained relationship. Explain that you have a bad back and as such you cannot help lifting Mom in and out off a car. By having Mom live with you, you can watch her and make sure she is safe. But, you need those 8 hrs a week to urself. And the time away does no good if when u come back u have to listen to Mom say the aide thinks u should take me out.

I cared for Mom for 20 months. Her decline was steady. I went to an AL to get info on respite care when I found they were having a sale on room and board. I placed Mom. Ten yrs is a long time. You are a senior yourself. Her Dementia will only get worse.

This is what you owe Mom. To be safe, clean, fed and cared for. If that means an AL, then thats where she can go.
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I think you have done very well by hiring caregivers twice a week and I am delighted that one of them is actually very good. Stay with that. Just a side note though that no caregiver should be telling your mother anything they think you need to be doing for her. Unless your mother is telling you this, and maybe it is not quite true? In any case, perhaps ask the caregivers to give any feedback relating to how you handle your mother directly to you and keep your mom out of the middle. Aside from that, I believe no child owes their parent elder care services due to the fact they raised them. Parents have kids and it is a known responsibility they will provide for them until at least 18 years of age. It is not a "favor" parents did for the kid. Let your mother's words run off your back. Your life matters and you do not owe her to sacrifice your happiness and your life for hers. Let the caregivers do their job, and keep finding ways to enjoy your life.
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I feel you! I'm only eight months in and it has cemented the fact that I will NEVER do this to my son. In fact I don't even share with him the very difficult time I am having with my mom now, because I am determined MY burdens will never become his burdens. As far as I am concerned no loving parent should ever want that for their child, let alone expect it!

You have been doing this for ten years! Enough! You have gone above and beyond and you need to get your life and freedom back. Forget her ridiculous demands. Get her into a care home ASAP. If money is an issue start the medicaid process and if anything happens and she requires a hospital stay refuse to bring her back to your home. That will speed things up.

Seriously Essie.... ten years is LONG ENOUGH! Please put yourself first for a change and get your life back. No guilt because you owe her NOTHING. What she is saying is cruel and manipulative. Don't tolerate it anymore.
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You've already tried telling her that her having you was her choice, not yours. We know that, but an elder likely only wants the comfort and security of their child/ren to care for them. Not only that, a baby is expected to be easier to raise as they become self-sufficient. We know that an elder will only get harder to care for.

I'm sure you've considered an assisted living/nursing home for her. Dementia will only get worse, as you know. Caring for a dementia person is hard (I cared for my mom.) It's far too much for one person, especially with only a few hours of respite a week. You can't continue. While she's 93, she could easily live for many years.

Seek out AL/NH for her. It's for the best care for her. You can tell her you'll still care for her and ensure she's getting great care in the facility.

I'm sure it hurts when she says you owe her. Please ignore it for your own sake. You matter too, and your profile says you're 68. It's time you became primary in your own life. {hug}
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