My MIL is a very youthful 87. She drives and lives in her own condo. She appears to be healthy and is very active. Recently, Mom has made up stories. She swears that I didn't invite her to my own Mom's 90th birthday party (a big deal at a park venue with all my Mom's children and grandchildren, etc.) and that she is "still upset about it." The fact is that I would not dream of excluding my MIL from any celebration. She was invited a few weeks before the party. Both my MIL and Mom have birthdays within 2 days of each other and we often celebrate the BDays together. This year I took my MIL for lunch the day before her BDay. A couple days before the party my MIL phoned and said that her friends were having a party for her and she wouldn't be able to make it to my Mom's party - she was going out of town for the weekend. I even have this all written down in my agenda - where I keep track of everything. Yesterday Mom (MIL) sent my blood pressure through the roof! I had her here for lunch and then we went for pedicures. THEN she made the comment about still being upset that we didn't invite her to the party. AND she said that my husband (her son) told her that she wasn't family and the party was only for family. There was another recent episode where my MIL told me that my daughter told her she would take her out to lunch and she was all ready - but my daughter never came. After yesterday, I checked with my daughter and she had never made a date - just said that she would get back to my MIL and they would figure out a date. There was also an episode with a missing gold necklace. She was convinced that her neighbor had taken it. I had her check everywhere... Then I took her to a couple jewelry stores to get an estimate for the lost necklace. She received money for the necklace through her insurance AND THEN found the necklace in her safe. And the time she told me that she gave my husband $1,000 from the above insurance money - and he told her not to tell me. To start with, my MIL wouldn't even treat anyone to lunch let alone give someone that much money! And we have all the $$$ we need so I know that my husband would never take this money from his Mom, and especially would never tell my MIL not to tell. As you can see, she tells everyone everything anyways! I don't know what to do. On the surface, anyone would think she is amazing for her age. She is absolutely convinced that these stories are true. Yesterday, when I swore on my grandchildren's lives that I would never have left her out of the party, she said "Well, you can believe what you want but it happened" - and then she said that she probably went to see her friends because she wasn't invited to the party! It was like she didn't remember that her friends invited her to stay with them for her birthday. I am going crazy... Is anyone experiencing this with a mother or MIL who appears totally normal and healthy? I should add that my husband has a sister and brother who live in another State who share Power of Attorney. I am reluctant to say anything to them as if Mom finds out it will only make things worse.
Is there anyone around her with whom you might be able to compare notes as to whether she shares her “facts” with others?
My grandmother started this way many years ago, at the beginning of a terrible end of life experience with dementia. It is obviously excruciatingly uncomfortable for the target(s) of the untruths.
For now, all of you that are in her immediate circle will need to compare notes and document incidents and dates.
Whether sooner or later your documentation will be useful when a formal assessment is done to determine her competence.
I hope so, because it sounds like MIL's reasoning skills have left the building.
Yes, make sure that you and your husband have each other's backs here; watch Teepa Snow videos on how to respond (not react!) to folks with dementia.
Perhaps the best you can do is to protect yourself and your husband. Let other relevant people know that you are having difficulties, and ask if they check the record with you. Also could they let you know if they see anything themselves that concerns them. Your husband needs to back you up. This is the sort of thing that can create real difficulties in a family, particularly if anyone can see any reason for MIL’s stories to be true (eg money or revenge of some sort). Trying to avoid family conflict is well worth aiming for. ‘Concern’ is a more constructive position to take than ‘offended dignity’. What a difficult situation to cope with!